Falling into Surrender

by A. Zavarelli

  I set down my menu and shake my head. “It’s nothing.”

  “Tell me,” she demands, with the same intimidating look Gabriel likes to use. I smile at the resemblance I never noticed before. “Did he do something to piss you off?” she asks. “He’s good at that.”

  “No.” I laugh. “It’s kind of weird, he’s your brother, I don’t really want to…”

  “Just tell me,” she says, exasperated. “We’re friends, aren’t we? You can tell me anything, I promise I will be totally unbiased.”

  I blow out a breath and shrug as though it’s not really that big of a deal. “I don’t know,” I say softly. “He just seemed kind of distant last night after everyone left, and this morning too. I don’t know what’s going through his mind.”

  Angelina dismisses my line of thoughts with a wave of her hand. “He’s just worried about you honey,” she reassures me. “You should have seen him while you were away. He was so angry, geez you couldn’t say one little thing to him. And then yesterday when he knew you were coming home, he lit up like a Christmas tree. Trust me, you have nothing to be worried about, Victoria, he is madly in love with you.”

  “Okay,” I say, resigned.

  Angelina smiles knowingly, reaching across the table to squeeze my hand. “You’ve both been through a lot, it’s just going to take some time to get back in the swing of things.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure you’re right.” I nod. “I’m just being silly.”

  “Well, you shouldn’t feel weird. I’ve never seen Gabriel so happy before. Quite frankly, it’s a little creepy.” She laughs. “But seriously, he’s head over heels with you honey. You’re all he ever talks about.”

  “Thanks, Angelina.”

  “And you don’t have to worry about Anya anymore because I told her exactly that the night she showed up at Gabriel’s. She was trying to play his sympathy card, and I told her to forget it. I even threatened to tell the media about all the work she’s had done.” She smirks. “So you can rest assured you won’t be hearing from her again.”

  Over the next hour, Angelina makes sure I order an entrée, a main, and a dessert. By the time I leave, I’m stuffed, but surprisingly relaxed. I feel good after our conversation, and it gives me an idea for tonight. An offer that I’m sure Gabriel can’t refuse.

  ***

  The minute I hear the front door shut at six o clock, I scurry down the hall and into the sex room. I’m wearing one of my corsets and matching thongs along with my best stockings and stilettos. Grabbing my phone, I type in Gabriel’s name and send off a quick text.

  Hide and seek?

  Waiting for you x

  I don’t bother waiting for a reply as I chuck the phone aside and get into position. My head is down, my eyes cast to the floor while five long minutes tick by before the door creaks open. I sneak a glance up at Gabriel when he doesn’t move.

  He’s still in his black work pants, but his dress shirt is unbuttoned and his tie undone around his neck, casually showing off his bare chest. He has a glass of whiskey in his hand which he brings to his lips as he circles around me slowly, like a cat hunting it’s pray.

  I cast my eyes back to the ground, waiting nervously for his instructions. This is what I want from him. What I need. But when he stops in front of me, not moving or saying anything else, my throat burns with repressed emotion.

  A glance upwards only serves to confirm my fears when I find his jaw rigid and his blue eyes stormy. That isn’t desire I see staring back at me, but irritation. My shoulders slump as the realization hits me hard in the gut. He doesn’t have any intentions of dominating me right now.

  When he sees the disappointment on my face, he reaches down and scoops me into his arms, carrying me to his bedroom silently.

  “What are you doing?” I protest.

  “Shh baby,” he whispers. “Not today.”

  He lays me down on the bed, climbing on top of me and kissing me gently. It isn’t our usual passion laced routine, but I’ll take what I can get right now. I rock my hips against him, his erection digging into my belly. He looks at me with a forlorn expression, and I want to shake him. To demand he tell me what’s wrong, but instead, I say the only words I can.

  “Gabriel, I need you.”

  “I know,” he says softly, kissing my cheek.

  To my relief, he stands up and removes his pants and shirt, tossing them onto the ground in a haphazard pile. He climbs back into the bed and lifts me so that I’m straddling him. I’m surprised by this, and more than a little disappointed. He’s giving me free reign again, but what I really want is for him to take control of me. To guide and comfort me the way that only he can. But if his expression is anything to go by, I know arguing is pointless.

  I slide my thong aside and mount him, pushing his cock inside of me slowly. My hips ease forward to give him access to my breasts, and he palms them both gently for a moment before resting his hands on my hips.

  Unable to hold back my emotions, a sigh escapes me. I want to feel his wanton hands and mouth on my body the way I remember them, to know he still desires me in that way. I rock my hips against him harder, increasing the pace before he grabs them and slows me down again.

  My frustration comes to an all-time high when I realize I’m not going to come. My mind has shut down and can only focus on one thought…. he doesn’t want me anymore. When I look into his eyes, I know he isn’t enjoying this the way he usually does. We’ve made love before, but it was different. This feels so stilted, so… wrong. I’ve never needed or wanted him more than I do right now, and I can’t understand why he doesn’t feel the same. I need his passion, his guidance, his control. And he’s refusing to give it to me.

  Resigned to my fate, I pull off of him, watching his thick erection flop back against his belly. I scoot down between his legs and pull him into my mouth. His hand reaches out to stop me as he speaks.

  “Victoria, don’t.”

  I ignore him, giving it my all as I suck him furiously. At least one of us should come. Eventually, his protests are drowned out by his groans as he relaxes back into the bed. I suck him into oblivion, and within moments he explodes in my mouth. I swallow everything he has to give me along with my pain and sorrow.

  And then I gather what’s left of my dignity and walk towards the bathroom.

  “Victoria,” he calls out, “come back, baby.”

  I don’t respond because I can’t. The minute I have the door shut the tears spill down my cheeks. I want Gabriel back. My rough, possessive, dominant Gabriel. But somehow I fear this is the end. We’ve been through too much. I pulled him into my fucked up life, and now he doesn’t want to deal with it. It’s the only logical conclusion I can come up with.

  I turn on the shower and strip off my clothes, leaving the door locked behind me. As I relax under the stream of hot water, I think back on my time in prison. How I imagined what it would be like if I got out and came back to Gabriel. I envisioned it in my head hundreds of times but never was it anything like this.

  When the water finally runs cold, I step out and dry off, my skin as raw as my nerves at the moment. The bed is empty when I open the door, and Gabriel has disappeared again. I’m sure he’s holed back up in his office, and if last night was any indication, he’ll be there all night.

  After throwing on comfortable clothes, I text Alanna and ask her if she wants to meet for drinks. To my relief, she agrees right away.

  Gabriel’s office door is shut as I pause in front of it, debating whether I should even say anything. But then I realize it would just seem childish if I didn’t, so I knock lightly, feeling a little awkward as I wait for him to call out. When he does I open it to find him sitting in front of his desk with a stack of paperwork.

  “How did your meetings go today?” I ask.

  “Good,” he mutters, not even bothering to look at me. “Yep, everything is good.”

  Okay then. “Alright, well I can see you’re busy, so I’ll leave you to it. I’m going to meet
Alanna for a while.”

  Gabriel spins around in his chair and looks up at me, a lingering note of sadness in his eyes. Again I want to beg him to tell me what’s wrong with him, but I can’t. I’ve already asked him several times since I’ve been home, and he needs to tell me on his own.

  “Victoria, I….” His words fall short with a deep sigh, and I can tell he doesn’t know what to say.

  “It’s okay, Gabriel,” I reassure him. “I’m going. You can do your work in peace. I’ll see you when I get back.”

  “Okay,” he says softly.

  ***

  When I get to the bar, a Mexican themed place named Cabo, I’m greeted by Alanna and two Pina coladas. She hands me one of them and eagerly takes a sip, motioning to our table.

  “We’re over there,” she says. “Ladies night out. I have so missed this.”

  “Me too,” I manage to say between sips. I did miss her. It’s weird not having a place together anymore when we’ve been living together for so long. I didn’t even have time to prepare or get used to the idea. I just came back to find my apartment, and my life as I knew it, gone.

  I follow Alanna to the table across the room and sit down. There’s upbeat music playing from the speakers above, and I feel myself relax as I look across the table at my happy companion.

  “So,” Alanna starts. “You said Gabriel’s acting weird. What’s going on?”

  I smile at her eagerness to get to the bottom of the situation. At least she hasn’t changed drastically in my absence. “I don’t know what’s going on,” I say. “Was he acting weird while I was gone?”

  “If by acting weird you mean him brooding the whole time and throwing a temper tantrum every time you refused to see him, then yes.” Alanna laughs. “I think he went mad without you around.”

  “Well, it sure doesn’t seem like it now.” I frown. “He seems like he can’t get far enough away from me. He spent all night in his office, and I don’t know if he even came to bed.”

  Alanna furrows her brows in disbelief. “Really?”

  “Yes, really,” I groan. “He’s treating me like I might break. The sex has been… I don’t know different. And besides that, he’s hardly touching me.”

  “Hmm…” Alanna taps her fingers across the table. “Is he stressed at work or something?”

  “Could be, I don’t know. We don’t really talk much about his job. He’s trying to start up his business, so I guess he could be stressed about that.”

  “Well, maybe that’s it then.” She smiles reassuringly.

  “I don’t know. It could be, but I don’t think it is. Something just doesn’t feel right. And I don’t like it.”

  “Well you are still having sex though right?” she asks as she scrunches up her face.

  “Yes, well we have. But not like before. And I practically had to throw myself at him today.”

  “Well,” Alanna says, “I don’t know what’s going through his mind babe, but if there’s one thing I know for certain, it’s that he loves you. You should have seen him when you went away, he was devastated. You were all he talked about. And if I had to guess, I would just say he is stressed from work or something. You just need to take his mind off of it.”

  “And how do I do that?” I ask.

  “Just don’t take no for an answer. Do some of that kinky stuff you guys like.” She winks. “I don’t know, be creative. You know him better than I do.”

  I mull over her advice, wondering if it could work.

  “Thanks, Alanna. I don’t know how you do it, but you always make me feel better.”

  “Oh trust me…” She takes another sip of her drink. “When I’m through with you tonight, you will be feeling much better. I hear some margaritas calling our name.”

  Chapter Ten

  Victoria

  The next morning, I glance at the alarm clock and groan. It’s already past nine, which means I missed Gabriel this morning. I make a mental note then and there that I really need to find a real job now. But first, I have something more important to do today.

  It’s ten minutes to noon when I arrive at Gabriel’s office. I chat with his secretary Margie for a moment, and she informs me he’s out but will be back shortly. She gives me a conspiratorial wink as I sneak into his office to wait for him.

  As I sit in his chair, attempting to be patient, I feel like there’s a giant knot lodged in my throat. Because I can’t stop wondering what will happen if he rejects me today. I really don’t think I can handle that possibility.

  But then I remember the last time I came here to do this, and how passionately he took me then. My breathing calms and when I look down into my hands, I realize that I’m instinctively tapping the riding crop against my palm.

  The door swings open, and Gabriel walks in, pausing when he sees me in his chair.

  “Victoria, what are you doing here?”

  I swallow my nerves and try to muster up a smile. This isn’t exactly the warm welcome I was going for. Even though my confidence is wavering at this point, I decide to follow through with my plan. Because deep down inside of me, I know we can’t keep going on like this. Whatever Gabriel has going on at the moment, I need to know that he still wants me too.

  “Just thought I’d pay you a little visit, handsome.” My voice isn’t nearly as seductive as I’m going for. “I brought you a gift,” I say, holding up the crop in my hand.

  When he doesn’t move, I saunter over to him, letting him drink me in with his gaze. Despite the frown on his face, his eyes are hooded, and I take that as a good sign. But as soon as I put my hand on his chest, he stiffens. An odd look flashes through his eyes before he places his hand over mine, effectively stopping me.

  “I’m sorry, Victoria, but I can’t today. I have some important meetings.” His tone is stiff, dismissive even, and something else that sounds vaguely like anger.

  Still, I refuse to take no for an answer. I slowly pull up my skirt to reveal my new garter and lace panties, hoping I can tempt him that way. “We can be quick.”

  “Victoria,” he admonishes me, his voice harsh, “please don’t embarrass yourself. I said I can’t.”

  What. The. Fuck.

  My heart lurches in my chest, and I can’t contain the horrified look on my face as his rejection sears through me. He’s never said anything like that to me before. And beyond all reason, I can’t see the point in talking this out right now. I feel my legs, along with my wounded pride, running for the door. Just as I’m about to make my escape, his hand wraps around my arm.

  “Victoria,” he rasps. “Wait.”

  His voice is laced with regret, but I don’t know why. In the back of my mind, I wonder if he’s just afraid of causing an embarrassing scene in his office. The thought is enough to send me over the edge. Before I can get control of myself, I turn around and slap him.

  “Don’t. Touch. Me.” I hiss.

  I can’t believe how feral I sound. And apparently he can’t either because he’s actually gaping at me.

  I run out the door and directly into the crowded elevator that’s just about to close. It takes everything inside of me to wait until I make it onto the street before I burst into full blown tears, but I do. As I shuffle down the sidewalk with everyone staring at me like a lunatic, my cell phone starts ringing in my purse. I know it’s Gabriel, but I have no desire to talk to him right now, so I put it on silent and hail a cab.

  As soon as I get back to the apartment, I’m at a loss as to what I should do. I can’t believe I actually slapped him. But part of me, the immature little girl inside, still thinks he deserves it, and therefore, refuses to feel guilty.

  The way he acted towards me today was so cold, it felt like we’ve reverted back to the very beginning. Somehow the dynamic between us has changed, and my sweet Gabriel is slipping away from me. The thought is crippling, and I don’t know what else to do.

  When I finally pull out my phone, I see I have ten missed calls from Gabriel. And one text.

  I
’m sorry Victoria,

  Please don’t be angry.

  The words that I really need to hear aren’t there. I hesitate for a moment before coming to a decision. It just isn’t enough. That isn’t an explanation, and I can’t sit here, in his apartment, feeling totally out of place. It serves as a brutal reminder of why I never wanted a relationship to begin with. Because, inevitably, I always end up hurt. And I hate the fact that I have nowhere to go, feeling so displaced.

  I head for the closet and stuff as many of my clothes as I can into an overnight bag. I don’t want to take everything. At least not yet. Because that would mean admitting it’s over. As I head back down in the elevator, I try calling both Alanna and Trevor. Neither of them answers. I feel frustrated and alone as I hail a taxi to the nearest hotel.

  I book in for the night, unsure of what I’m going to do tomorrow. When I open the door with my key, I remember how much I hate hotel rooms. They’re the place I spent a great deal of my years on the run, and they never felt like home. Granted, they weren’t nearly as nice as this place, but that really makes no difference.

  I collapse onto the bed and flip through the TV channels, not really seeing anything on the screen. It’s just a way to distract my mind from the painful silence around me. Eventually, I curl up on the bed and close my eyes, allowing myself to succumb to the emotional exhaustion.

  When I wake again, I reach for my cell phone, anxiety blooming in my chest. It’s 8:00 pm and Gabriel will be home by now. But when I flip open the phone, the only texts I find are from Trevor and Alanna. My heart sinks as my mind confirms this is what I’d been expecting all along.

  I call Alanna back, giving her a brief rundown of the day’s events, and she agrees to take me out to get my mind off everything. I hang up with a satisfied smile on my face, knowing exactly where I want to go.

  Alanna arrives an hour later, and she’s brought Trevor with her. They both glance at my sexy black dress and then at each other before ushering me out the door. When we get to the Club, Alanna just throws her head back in laughter.