The Truth We Chase

by Carl Richards

  I had been out with them on several occasions to scout out properties. The property they had chosen was ideal, on a corner block in a leafy and classy part of the Ironbound. The front of the building was on the junction of a crossroad and resembled a turret with three windows, one of the windows looks straight out onto the local Church

  The sculpture of St Benedict (Patron Saint of Europeans and Civil Engineers) stands on a plinth high on the front wall of the Church opposite and appears to be giving his blessing to the apartment, if I believed in all that stuff, I would say it was a sign.

  Friday arrived and I went to sign up for the property with Ana and Luciana, afterwards, I made the journey over to my office in Manhattan. I had to give notice on the apartment to Marco and I could almost sense the relief as I did. He had never wanted to kick me out, but both of us needed to draw a line under the past. My moving on meant we avoided any awkwardness and our friendship remained intact.

  Chapter 4

  I’ve been living with Ana and Luciana for nearly five months now here in the Ironbound, I love it here, and whilst this is mainly a South American, Spanish, and Portuguese neighbourhood, there are many nationalities, cultures, and languages. That said, I appear to be the only person from England or Great Britain or for that matter, the United Kingdom.

  Perhaps it’s because I feel so settled here that going back to Manchester doesn’t sit well with me. I must keep in focus the reason for going back, my whole thought process has now become about how Jill and myself will be around each other when we eventually meet and how we will deal with the events from our past. I’m also curious as to why she felt the need to look me up after all these years and why the urgency? My head was full to overflowing with all the different scenarios and the imagined outcomes, one thing was for sure; this visit was going to be life-changing.

  So, tonight, Ana, Luciana and myself are heading over to El Coca, a restaurant, bar, and club all together in one building on the eastern corner of our block and only a two-minute walk away.

  We get there for seven and then a couple of hours later, after eating, we make our way to the outdoor patio. It is a beautiful space, with brightly coloured murals, palm trees, and a “beach bar”, it is very easy to forget this is Newark. The outdoor patio is also the place to go drinking between eating and clubbing. I have some catching up to do, Ana and Luciana have already spent most of the day drinking, topped up with red wine throughout the meal and now they are on Grey Goose Martini. In the end, I decided to try to catch up with them was a lost cause!

  It’s now getting late and as the chill of the night starts to set in, the staff come to light the fire pits dotted around the patio area. Ironically this seemed to prompt an exodus of people into the club, we follow on.

  As we enter the club there is a subtle change in the music from sensual Latin to the heavy beat of Reggaeton.

  The alcohol is starting to take effect now, the strobe lighting pierces the darkness of the club picking out couples engaged in bump and grind on the dance floor.

  After the near kiss between Ana and myself back at the apartment, I’m starting to regret this choice of venue, it would be great if this was a lad’s night out and I knew Luciana loved it here, but Ana... not so much.

  I can just about make out Ana’s face in the dark and as she turns to me I can see from her expression that she’s feeling the same way about being here as me. Luciana, however, was off, dragging a man away from his group of friends onto the dance floor. She had picked out her unsuspecting victim within thirty seconds of walking through the door, but then, that is how she is. Ana and I have given her the nickname of Hawk, after the Tomahawk cruise missile, because if you’re Luciana’s target, she’ll fly under the radar and hit (on) you before you know what’s happened!

  I leave Ana stood on the side of the dancefloor whilst I go to the bar for a couple of drinks for us, on my return I find my place has been taken by another. But to my relief, Ana was having none of it and I claim my spot back at her side.

  We stand on the edge of the dancefloor, in silence, there’s no way of having a conversation. This club is all about actions, not words.

  Within minutes of my return from the bar our hands touch, I instinctively go to hold her hand, Ana responds, not only by holding my hand but interlocking our fingers. That is a committed handhold and it encourages me to do what I should have done months ago.

  I release my hand from hers and put my arm around her, she turns, smiles and then rests her head on my shoulder. It must have been another ten minutes before we finished our drinks. Ana moves away from me and my arm slips from off her shoulder, she grabs hold of my hand again and leads me towards the door that takes us back out to the patio area. As we make our way out of the club, I collect my jacket from the cloakroom and put it around her.

  It was late, or early; one thing for sure it was cold. I find a table around a fire pit at the back of the patio area and claim it before making my way over to the bar to get us both a drink. On my return Ana is leaning forward, warming herself from the heat of the firepit, our two chairs have been pulled so they are side by side. I sit down placing both drinks on the table before moving in for an affectionate and intimate embrace, unfortunately, the arms of the wrought iron chairs act as a barrier and dig into our sides. Ana stands up, then gently lowers herself down on to my lap so we are facing in the same direction, the back of her head rests on my shoulder and we are cheek to cheek. The warmth between us was not only physical but also emotional, as I put my arms around her, she reaches down and entwines our fingers again. This was a whole different experience for me, previously the testosterone would be overwhelming my senses and in this first physical embrace I would normally be feeling quite lustful. This was decidedly different though, perhaps it was because we’ve already spent so much time building a strong confident bond, or perhaps I have finally matured emotionally. Whatever the reason it felt perfectly balanced, intimate, and affectionate. We stayed in this embrace for about five minutes, just gazing through the flames. There was no talking, anything we said at this point, no matter how profound, would just sound cheap.

  Ana sits up, shuffles down towards the table, picks up both drinks then turns so she is now side on to me, whilst drinking her own drink, she hands me mine. She finishes her drink first then leaning forward she puts the empty glass back on the table and then attempts to lean back in towards me, but these chairs are not designed for lovers. I sit forward and we both stand up. Taking her by the hand we move to a low brick wall around the base of a palm tree by the door that leads back into the club. I sit down and Ana sits on my lap, side on, her tight black dress won’t allow her to straddle me. This time Ana goes the ninety percent, I quickly make up the ten percent and our lips touch, I can taste the sweetness of the Caipirinha still fresh on her lips, we pause, pulling back slightly we gazed at each other, before embracing once more, but this time in a lingering, sensual kiss.

  We separate from the kiss; she rests her head on my shoulder again and nuzzles into my neck with her long black hair covering her face. I sweep it back behind her ear and as I do, I can see her eyes are closed. We just sit there, holding each other. After a while Luciana appears in the doorway at the side of us, she catches sight of us and quickly picks up on what has happened. Her face lights up. Bending down she kisses my forehead, steps back giving me the thumbs up and then kneels in front of Ana. Luciana gently strokes her hair and Ana opens her eyes, as she does, Luciana silently mouths to her, ‘are you okay?’

  Ana lets go of me, stands up and whilst looking straight at Luciana gives her a half-hearted nod. Luciana looks back to me ‘just give us ten minutes.’ She says as they disappeared back through the door.

  I recover my half-full bottle of beer from the table and slump back into my seat. It has been a lifetime of emotion crammed into the last sixteen hours and I need another drink. After running the gauntlet of the bar staff and their smart-ass comments about how I should get a room and the like, I return to
my original seat at the far end of the patio, with a fresh beer in hand.

  Half an hour has now passed, and I’m starting to think negative thoughts, this didn’t lessen when Luciana appears at the door with my jacket but not with Ana. I can’t think of a time in my adult life when I’ve felt so deflated. It must have shown on my face as Luciana walked towards me as her first words were ‘stop it... don’t freak out.’

  She hands me my jacket, turns towards the bar, then looks back over her shoulder, ‘I’m getting a drink, do you want another?’

  ‘No thanks,’ I reply. What I need now are answers not a drink. I put my jacket back on, as I do the welcome smell of Ana’s perfume wafts up off the collar.

  Luciana is back from the bar, she pulls a chair side on and puts her feet up on me, then leans forward taps her bottle against mine, ‘cheers,’ she says, ‘cheers’ I reply. She carries on, ‘So that was a pretty weird day huh?’

  ‘Yeah, weird.’ I had been expecting her to break some bad news, but there was nothing in her voice or demeanour to suggest that she was going to.

  I continue, ‘do you know what’s really weird, Luciana? I’m an English man, in America, talking about my Brazilian girlfriend with our Venezuelan friend in an Ecuadorian club, listening to Puerto Rican music whilst drinking Mexican beer under palm trees... in Newark... I mean... palm trees in Newark, what’s that about?’

  Luciana’s laughing at me, and then with a disbelieving tone and through her laughter she asks, ‘drinking beer under palm trees in Newark is the weirdest thing that’s happened to you today... really...?’

  ‘No, probably not’ I say, laughing with her, as her infectious humour takes over me.

  I stare into the flames of the fire pit, to create a break in the conversation so we can talk seriously.

  ‘Is Ana okay?’ I ask.

  ‘She’s fine, the one thing I will say is to take it easy, slowly, small steps. She has a lot of emotion that she needs to work on, it’s not my place to say what, that’ll be for the two of you to work out. She found tonight a little overwhelming, in a good way, but overwhelming nevertheless; her Brother has picked her up and she’ll be staying at her Mum’s house tonight, but don’t worry it’s not a bad thing just be patient and kind.’

  ‘I can do patient and kind, I thought when you came back without Ana...’

  Luciana interrupts me, ‘you thought that she was having second thoughts, that it wasn’t turning out as she expected?’

  ‘Exactly,’ I am impressed at how intuitive Luciana is.

  ‘Two things’ She gently slaps my face ‘pay attention. One, if you think this all happened tonight you couldn’t be more wrong, Ana knows you inside out, upside down, back to front. Over the last year she has grown with you from your first smile in the coffee shop through to living with us. She has seen how you are around her family and friends, and around your own friends, she has seen the company you keep, your honesty and integrity and your work ethic.’

  She pauses for breath before continuing.

  ‘Two; apart from physical and sexual attraction, passion and common interests, the attraction people feel in relationships are usually based on a subconscious sense that something is missing in themselves. From their subconscious need they’ll find someone who they deem has that missing something as they think that they can draw on that strength to make them feel whole. That’s why so many relationships fail and fall apart. Over time when they realise that that missing something is still... missing; they feel let down by their partner and boom, their partner is now the bad guy, or girl, as they haven’t fulfilled them.’

  Another pause, ‘still with me?’

  ‘Still with you’ I say. When Luciana is in assertive mode, you can’t be anything else!

  ‘Good. The difference in your relationship with Ana is neither of you is drawing on the other, your relationship is perfectly balanced. There is no expectation to fulfil the other person’s needs. The irony of this is because you don’t expect the other to make you whole, either on a conscious or subconscious level, you actually make each other whole!’

  Luciana stops talking at this point, she knows me well. She knows I don’t have a fragile ego and that I’m emotionally mature enough to take it and she knows I’ll see that she is right.

  And she is.

  She finishes her drink, puts the bottle back on the table, turns to me with a perplexed look on her face, ‘Wow, that was deep!’ She picks her bottle back up and taps it against mine, ‘come on lightweight, drink up’

  ‘Is that it, we’re going?’

  ‘We certainly are hombre, some of us have to be in work tomorrow’ she glances at her watch ‘I mean today, later, whatever.’

  Luciana links arms with me on the short walk back from El Coca to the apartment. We talk and laugh all the way back as she jokes about all the sleazy men that had tried to hit on her in the club. We arrive back and as we make our way up the stairs, I start to realise the enormity of the events of the last twenty-four hours. Coming back to the apartment has reminded me of the email from Jill, the enigma of why she felt the need to contact me, planning my trip back to Manchester, Luciana and Ana’s drunk arrival from daytime drinking, our night out. The first kiss with Ana, that first kiss that could be the start of our relationship after months of waiting for the right time. But, following her disappearance, I’m now all alone with her best friend in our apartment.

  I need some headspace as everything in my life is going at a hundred miles an hour.

  At the top of the stairs we part, Luciana makes her way to her bedroom, I head to the kitchen, I need water. My head is throbbing either through dehydration or the stress of living out every human emotion possible all in one day. I down the first glass of water in one, the second I take with me into the lounge and collapse into the armchair.

  Ten minutes later Luciana appears at the door in her dressing gown. She makes her way over to me and sits astride the arm of the chair, strokes my face, then putting her index finger under my chin lifts my head up, she looks straight into my eyes, ‘Everything is going to be okay, I promise you’, places her hand on my cheek and leans in towards me. As she does, the front of her dressing gown falls open, she is naked, her breasts are inches from my face and right in my eye line. I turn my gaze back to her face and as I raise my head, she lands a kiss on the corner of my mouth and lingers for a second or two in front of me. Her kiss was far enough off the lips to be a friendship kiss, but close enough to act as an invitation for me to come back to her for another.

  I’m stunned, this vivacious, sometimes reckless, wild child, now seems very controlled and purposeful, not a side of Luciana I’d seen before. In fact, I’ve seen so much more of Luciana tonight than I have before, quite literally. Just for a moment, I succumb to the temptation and I’m thinking the thoughts that get people into trouble. She is so beautiful; her toned olive skin is lighter than Ana’s and she is more petite but the big brown eyes are the same, although the look is different. Ana has seductive come to bed eyes, Luciana has warmth but there is something in her look that I can’t fathom.

  She stands up, the moment has passed and a metaphorical bucket of cold water has been dropped on us. Luciana is still facing me as she pulls both sides of the dressing gown tight across her body and refastens the belt. ‘I’m going to bed’ she says. Her voice was devoid of tone and with no expression on her face to give me an indication if this was an invitation or a statement, I am struggling, was it, I’m going to bed - come with me, or, I’m going to bed - see you in the morning?

  I physically shake myself out of overthinking the situation, the intensity of the day is now leading me to make some poor decisions and irrational thoughts. Of course, it was a statement, not an invitation, I berate myself on how ridiculous I had been to think it was anything else.

  ‘Night’ I say as she walks away, she doesn’t turn or say anything, she just raises her hand in acknowledgement as she disappeared through the door.

  Finishing my w
ater, I make my way to the bathroom then to my bedroom. Still fully clothed I lie-down on the bed. The blind on the window is up and the room is in darkness apart from the glow of the street light outside. I lie there in a trance-like state, watching the light from passing car headlights sweep their way across the ceiling. There is no way I could sleep, or at least that’s what I thought.

  The next thing I know, I’m slowly regaining consciousness. Daylight is streaming in through the window which is slightly ajar allowing in the sound of children as they make their way to the school across the street, the early morning flights arriving at Newark, the shop below our apartment opening for business and the people on their way to work.

  I find myself lay half on, half off another person in my bed, my face is nuzzled into a soft sweetly feminine fragranced neck, my left arm is under her head, my right arm is across her body and my right leg between her legs.

  After twenty-two hours of being awake and a copious amount of alcohol, I am struggling to fully regain consciousness and open my eyes. The person next to me turns over on to her side so she was now facing me, with her arm across my lower back she pulls me to her. Now in a tight intimate hold I feel her hand move up my spine, over the back of my neck onto the back of my head. I feel her soft lips on mine. Disorientated, I start to panic.

  Luciana... so I caved in, I succumbed, what am I doing, what have I done? I was desperately trying to recall last night’s events, trying to work out in my mind how I ended up with Luciana...and how we came to be in bed... together.

  I finally awake fully from my slumber. Squinting my eyes, the brightness of the daylight silhouettes the person I have just been with as she stands up and makes her way to close the blind on the window. When the blind is about halfway down, I can make out that the silhouette is Ana. With the blind now fully down she turns, and on her way back she removes her T-shirt and her jeans. As she climbs back into bed, I climb out. ‘one minute’ I say as I rush off to the bathroom to freshen up, I splash cold water on my face several times to bring myself around. ‘Yes, this is actually happening!’ I say, with a sense of euphoria, to the rather dishevelled image of myself in the mirror.