Restoring Us

by Fabiola Francisco

  “Yeah, yeah, whatever. I still fucked up,” I say, looking at him, daring him to say something different.

  “Yeah, but you were also twenty-two and scared. You need to stop obsessing over the fact that you abandoned her. Shit happens. You can’t change what you did. Let’s go have drinks when you finish ‘analyzing your reports’,” he says, knowing I was probably over thinking about Ava instead of actually reading reports and working. He stands up buttoning his blazer and walks out of my office.

  I go back to thinking about Ava and my remorse for leaving her the way I did. The disease was so hard on her, on me, but I had promised I would stay by her side.

  She started coughing. She looked so weak and thin, like she would break in half at any minute. Her skin was always pale, hinting to gray. She stood up to run to the bathroom. I knew the chemo made her sick, and it broke my heart to be so helpless in this situation. “Let me help you,” I said.

  “No. I got it. Please.” She begged for me to keep my distance. She wanted to do this on her own, and she didn’t want me to see her falling apart. It was hard, though.

  Suddenly I heard her scream. I ran to the bathroom, but she yelled, “No! Don’t come in!” She closed the door behind her. I was going crazy. What if she was hurt?

  “Ava, open the door, please. Let me see you,” I begged her. She was shutting me out, and this was just the beginning. I heard her crying, defeated. She was giving up. I couldn’t let her.

  After a few minutes, I slowly opened the door, so she was aware of what I was doing. I stepped in and saw her slumped over on the floor next to the toilet, her body shaking with her cries. I had to swallow hard a few times before approaching her. I couldn’t let her see me hurt because of this. I needed to be strong for her. I swallowed down the cry bubbling at the back of my throat.

  She didn’t look at me. She just whispered, “My hair.” I noticed she had a lock of hair in her hand that had fallen off. She loved her long hair, but I knew this was more of a realization of the seriousness of the situation.

  I sat down beside her, hugging her tightly. “Let me help you win this fight. I’m here for you. Always.” Except I wasn’t.

  I finish organizing what I need for tomorrow’s meeting and go up to the marketing department to make sure they’re ready, too. Once I finish, I text Dan to meet at the lobby of our building so we can head out for drinks. Maybe he can help me with the Ava situation. In reality though, I need a strong drink or two to help me not focus on that memory I just relived.

  “You want to go to Dave’s?” Dan asks.

  “No. Let’s go down to Smugglers Tavern,” I say leading the way.

  “Okay. Thought you might want to use Kasey to clear your mind for a bit tonight,” he says shrugging his shoulders beside me.

  “No. I’m giving up women,” I deadpan.

  “What? So are you into guys now? Because I’ve got to say that you’re cute and all, but I don’t think you’re my type,” he laughs.

  “Oh, yeah, because you’re just my type.” I shake my head. Seriously.

  “Whatever. You know I’d make a killer boyfriend.”

  I roll my eyes at him and keep walking. “You know what I mean, dumbass. If I really want a second chance with Ava, I need to stop fooling around and show her I can be what she needs.”

  “Ethan…”

  “Don’t bother trying to change my mind. You know how I feel about her.”

  “I’m not trying to change your mind. Just be careful. Remember it was also hard on you to lose her. I know she’s back and you think you’ll get a second chance with her, but the damage may be too big to fix. Some things are just meant to stay broken.” His expression has changed from amusement to serious.

  “Not us. It can’t be. I’ll just have to spend the days proving to her how much I love her and that I am sorry for what I did. She’ll have to eventually see I’m being honest.” I shake my head. I know there has to be a way of talking to her again and make her listen to me. I know she still has to care about me like I do her. “And the first thing I need to do to make things better is stop acting like Chicago’s biggest whore.”

  We reach Smugglers Tavern and walk in, taking a seat at a table near the bar. Dan turns to look at me and says, “I know you’re hopeful. I know how you feel about her. All I’m saying is to be smart. I know Ava, too, and she’s not going to let that go easily.”

  “I know,” I say, running my hand through my hair. Ava is stubborn as hell.

  The waitress approaches our table and smiles when she sees us. We order our drinks, and she gives me a flirty smile. I try to ignore it and tell her what I want, but Dan speaks up next to me. “Sorry, sweetheart. He’s off the market. But I’m more than happy to show you a good time.”

  She frowns and quickly composes herself. “I’m just here to serve your drinks. Don’t be such an arrogant asshole.” I guess she didn’t like to be called out on her obvious flirting.

  “Then serve our drinks. And speaking to me like that isn’t going to get you a good tip,” Dan says, dismissing her.

  “Seriously?” I ask in disbelief. “Can’t you just leave things alone? You don’t have to announce it to the world that I’m ‘off the market.’ And Jess would have your balls if you showed that waitress a ‘good time’.”

  “Just trying to help with your no women plan. And Jess already has my balls, every night.” He smiles wickedly and winks at me. “Seriously, though, I do hope you get to work things out with Ava.”

  “Thanks.” I ignore his previous comment. I don’t need to think of his balls.

  The waitress returns with our drinks and walks away after scowling at Dan just as he winks at her. I laugh at their exchange. He can be such an ass sometimes.

  “She’s going on a date with Matt Reilly tomorrow,” I inform Dan.

  Dan’s eyes widen in a ‘what-the-fuck’ expression. “When did that happen?”

  “He was at her house on Sunday for the dinner party her parents hosted,” I say, my nostrils flaring. Why the hell would she want to go out with him?

  “Oh, there was a party? I’m kind of hurt I wasn’t invited.” Dan pouts his lips like a teenage girl.

  “Really, Dan? That’s your response? Focus!”

  “Okay, okay. Well, Matt always had a crush on her in high school. He’s arrogant as hell, too. I’m sure he threw that in your face as soon as he had the chance to. I’m kind of surprised she agreed to it, though.”

  “He definitely threw it in my face. Of course, Ava wasn’t there to witness his cockiness. My mom said she noticed Ava talking to Matt more excitedly after I arrived and spoke to her. I’m thinking that-”

  “Stop. Stop thinking. Stop analyzing things. This isn’t a finance report you need to dissect to see where you can best satisfy your client’s needs. I’m all for you trying to make things work with Ava, but if you’re going to do something about it, just do it. You want to talk to her, find a way to talk to her. You want to see her, go see her. But stop driving yourself crazy with the ‘what ifs’. Show her how much you care.”

  I drink my whiskey taking in what Dan has just said. He’s right. I’ve been driving myself crazy since I saw her through the window at Miss Annie’s Diner five days ago. At this rate, I’ll be locked up in an asylum for losing my mind.

  “I say we crash their date!” Dan’s eyes light up with mischief. I think I need new friends.

  “Most definitely not. I don’t want to give Matt the satisfaction of knowing I’m all wound up about this date. Or piss Ava off anymore than she already is.”

  “Fine.” Dan rolls his eyes and drinks his gin and tonic.

  ∞

  I get up from bed earlier than usual. Not that I could sleep anyways. I get to work early for my meeting and focus on delivering the information perfectly without any setbacks. Right now, my mind needs to be at work.

  The meeting begins at 8:00 and goes on until 10:00, with a very satisfied James Connell. After the meeting, I get back to thinking
about how I can reach Ava. Talk to her, see her. In a moment of desperation, I grab my phone and text Katie. Dan said to be proactive and do something about seeing her so here goes nothing. Katie may have my balls for doing this, but I need to try.

  Hey, don’t ignore this. Please. I want to talk to Ava, but I don’t know where I can reach her. Can you give me her number? I think about pushing send or just deleting the text and keeping my balls. After a few minutes of going back and forth, I press send and close my eyes letting out a long exhale.

  I continue to work, checking my phone every few minutes to make sure I didn’t miss her response. I’ve been torturing myself about leaving Ava ever since I walked out of her room that fateful day. It’s something I have always regretted and will always regret. She’s my everything. Sometimes I wonder what the hell possessed me to leave her. To not support her like I had promised. To not love her like I should have.

  Finally, she responds. I quickly fumble with my phone to open and see what Katie said.

  You know where she is. If you want to see her, all you need to do is go to her.

  I exhale deeply and smile at her message. She could’ve told me to go fuck myself. She didn’t exactly give me her phone number, but she gave me encouragement to go to Ava. That has to be a good sign, right?

  Thank you. I reply and relax.

  Yeah, yeah. Don’t thank me. But don’t fuck with her again or I’ll personally remove your balls. I guess I was right about Katie cutting my balls off, but for a different reason. I feel much more relieved after that text with Katie and her indirect way of giving me an okay to contact Ava. Katie must know something about Ava’s feelings if she’s giving me the go ahead to see her.

  I go to the gym after work to release tension and frustration. I decided I wasn’t going to fuck any other girls anymore, but that means I need to distract myself another way. Working out has always been helpful for that. It clears my mind and allows me to only focus on the energy being exerted from my body.

  I’m doing abs when my phone beeps, and I look over at it to see who’s writing to me. Maybe Katie regrets what she told me earlier.

  I swear I didn’t crash their date, but I just ran into Ava and Matt at Spiaggia Restaurant. If it helps you calm down, she didn’t seem like she was ready to jump into his pants. It’s Dan.

  Fuck you for that visual, but thank you for the update. He really went all out for that date. I hit send. Spiaggia is a really fancy restaurant in downtown. Matt is definitely trying to impress her.

  I don’t want to think of Ava having sex with anyone or having that visual Dan planted in my head. It does calm me to know that Ava may not be running off to Matt’s bed at the end of the night. I know; we already established I’m a hypocritical ass. I finish my workout a lot more determined and head home.

  My phone beeps again. Yeah, he did. She definitely tensed up when I mentioned your name. I shake my head. Of course he would bring me up to test Ava’s reaction. Fucking bastard and fucking genius. She still cares. She has to.

  I get home ready to unwind and forget about the fact that Ava is out with Matt. After I shower, I turn on the television to watch a college basketball game. March Madness has been going on, and my bracket hasn’t been doing too good. You’d think four years of high school ball would make me a better judge of teams.

  I grab a beer from the fridge and sink into my couch, watching the game with a smug grin remembering what Dan said about Ava not seeming overly interested on her date. Serves Matt right. He can’t have what’s mine.

  Chapter 8

  Ethan

  Just do it! Like Dan said, I need to find Ava and make her listen. I’m done sitting on the sidelines. Great, now I sound like a fucking Nike commercial.

  She was on her date with Matt last night, and from Dan’s text it could have gone better. I haven’t had a chance to talk to him today since I’ve been swamped with work but she’s been on my mind all day. I plan on getting her back, and I plan on acting on it today.

  I go in search of Dan to get more information on Ava’s date. Maybe I’m acting like a pussy, but oh well. “Hey, man. Thought you’d come by sooner. I had a bet going on how fast you’d run to me to get the insight on Ava’s date.” Dan greets me, sitting behind his desk with his legs resting up on it.

  “Very funny, asshole. Was she miserable?” I ask hopeful that the date was horrible. Maybe it’s fucked up for me to want her to be miserable.

  “No, she wasn’t miserable. Who’s the asshole now?” I shrug unapologetically. “She just didn’t seem to be very invested in the date. She seemed like she was more with a friend than on a date. You should’ve seen her face when she saw me and I mentioned your name. She froze. I don’t think she breathed for a few seconds. I think she still digs you.”

  “Digs me? What are we in the 70s?” I bust out laughing but very happy with the news of Ava’s reaction to my name. I knew she had to still care. How could she not? We’ve been through so much together. We belong together. I know I fucked up. I say it every day, but she’s mine. She will always be mine. And I will always be hers. “I’m going to see her tonight,” I state confidently.

  “You spoke to her?” Dan’s eyes widen in surprise.

  “No. I’m just going to go over. You told me to just go for it and do something about it. Katie encouraged it, too. So-”

  “You spoke to Katie about it?” Dan asks in disbelief. Here we go.

  “Well, yeah, I asked her for Ava’s number. She told me that I know where to go if I want to see her.”

  “No fucking way. The bitch told you that?” Dan says shaking his head.

  “She’s not a bitch. Just because she hooked up with you once and left you high and dry wanting more from her doesn’t make her a bitch. You were in high school. Lord knows you weren’t as experienced as she was.” I still can’t believe those two actually hooked up once. They’re so alike that it makes it difficult for them to get along. One always trying to outshine the other.

  “I was experienced. I’m Dan the Man. Just ask Jess.”

  “Dan the Man? Really? I can’t even look at you right now. I’ll let you know how it goes with Ava tonight. See ya, Dan the Man,” I say as I’m walking out of his office. I hear Dan yell something about wishing I was as good as he was, but I’m already down the hall to fully catch what he’s said. I’m leaving work as soon as possible and stopping at the flower shop before going to Ava’s house. Pink roses are in order. Hopefully she’ll talk to me.

  ∞

  I leave work on time for once and head over to Ava’s house after buying her favorite flowers. I’m not sure what I’m going to say once I get there. I’m not sure if she’ll even talk to me. I’ve been torturing myself for two and a half years. I need to prove to her that I am sorry for what I did and that we still have a chance at living out the dreams and promises we made to each other.

  I park in front of her house and take a few deep breaths. It’s cold as hell outside and I’m sweating. Get yourself in check. I need to be honest and firm. I won’t leave until she gives me a second chance. I get out of my car and walk to the door. I knock and wait. And wait. And wait. I knock again, a little louder this time.

  “I’m coming!” I hear a voice just as someone opens the door and shuts it right back in my face. It’s Ava.

  “Ava?” I chuckle. “You don’t have to slam the door in my face.”

  Silence.

  “Are you going to pretend you didn’t just answer the door? Now you can’t give me some lame excuse saying you aren’t home.” Thank God she didn’t check who it was first. I was already expecting her to send someone else to the door to dismiss me.

  “What do you want, Ethan?” I hear her muffled voice through the door.

  “To see you.” I state plainly. “Isn’t that obvious?”

  “Why?”

  “Because I do. Open the door and stop being ridiculous.” I am hoping she’ll do as I say.

  “I’m not dressed appropriately.”
r />   “Even better.” I can just imagine what she looks like.

  I hear something that sounds like “asshole” and the door opens. She rolls her eyes at me. She is dressed in short shorts and a tank top. Her long legs look amazing, and I can see a bit of her stomach peeking under her top. I can tell she isn’t wearing a bra and my cock hardens at the sight.

  “Well, are you just going to stare at me or talk?” She says annoyed. She looks gorgeous. In her simplicity, I can see her true beauty. Her blonde hair is up in a messy bun. She doesn’t have any make up on. She looks like herself, finally in front of me. Close enough for me to touch and feel and kiss. Okay, snap out of it and say something.

  “You look great. Can I come in?”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Whatever you need to say, you can say here.” Ava looks at me guarded, but I can see how this is affecting her, too. Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are trying to hide her emotions. I feel it, too. The electricity between us has always been palpable, sparking a strong desire deep in our cores.

  It’s harder being here in front of her, hoping she’ll give me a second chance, hoping I can beat the odds and make it up to her. I felt braver when I wasn’t looking at her in the flesh, but I’m here to claim what’s mine, and that’s her.

  “These are for you. You should probably put them in water. I know they’re your favori-”

  “Stop. Stop talking. Stop acting like this is normal. Tell me what you want so you can leave,” she interrupts. Her hazel eyes are sad.

  “I want to talk to you. I want to see how you’re doing. I want to see you. To feel you. I want to explain.” I rub the back of my neck, searching for some sign that she’s going to give in.

  “Don’t worry about it, Ethan. It was a long time ago. There’s no need to apologize. If that’s all you want, you can leave.” She can’t really mean what she’s saying. I run my hand through my short hair, sighing heavily.

  “Ava, I know this isn’t normal. Normal would be me lying on the couch with you while you flip through different channels on the TV because you can’t decide what you want to watch. Normal would be sleeping together in the same bed. Hell, normal would be living together, probably married. This isn’t normal,” I say, raising my voice in frustration.