Catch My Breath

by Wendy L. Wilson

  “Geez … are you even listening to me? Earth to Judd?” Evan shouts from the bow of the boat as he holds one hand up waving.

  I look at him and nod, slyly pretending as if I was paying attention the whole time.

  His face goes slack with an expression that reads, “Really?! Seriously?”

  I laugh. “Sorry … I was sort of zoning out. What did you say?”

  “No joke. Thinking about girlie, huh?” He shakes his head, steering the boat into a private cove where we have caught some pretty decent sized bass in the past. “So what warrants a day off from the ole’ ball and chain? You guys break up or something?”

  Chuckling at his choice of words that implies so much more than girlfriend and boyfriend, I correct him quickly, “No we didn’t break up. I actually asked her out last night.” I spit out a huff of air at the memory of how lame I felt asking her and how silly I probably looked stumbling around my words as if I was asking her to wear my class ring or something. “I have no clue how that shit is done.”

  Evan throws his head back on a howl and stomps his foot to the floorboard of the boat as if he’s determined to knock a hole in it. “Ah oh, no more slumming … it’s official now! Did you drop down on one knee or what?” he pesters on, having a ball with my attempt at being romantic. This is the reason guys don’t sit around discussing their feelings.

  “No … besides, I was in my truck, jackass,” I laugh with a bit of a frown, curious and wondering. Would I be sitting at the kitchen table with Mom telling her all about Alyssa right now, if she were alive? Would I possibly ask Dad for advice on my next move; about the night of the Fourth?

  Oblivious to my sudden silence, Evan clears his throat and brings his voice to a serious tone. “Seriously though, that’s great. I can see that she makes you happy and you deserve that, you know?”

  I look at him, a little stunned. His expression changes to his usual smirk and I expect the conversation to either barrel into the gutter or him to come up with some cynical remark.

  “You know, I did the same thing.”

  Again he surprises me as I wait to hear the rest.

  “The same summer you came out here for the first time …” he pauses almost in deep thought as he kills the engine a little ways from the shore.

  I remember that summer, how he at first he was quiet down until the day I opened up, telling him how my mother had just died a few months prior. After that he became my best friend and someone I could always depend on to pull my head out of the sand and jolt me out of any feel-sorry-for-myself mode that I would indulge in.

  Grabbing our poles, he stares out at the water a sense of genuineness masking every feature of his face. “I even went a step further.” He laughs and looks at me, squinting from the sunlight that is blazing over my back. “I asked Piper out on the main boat dock under the moonlight after …” he holds his finger up to deliver a punch line I assume, “… carving our initials into it. Then I kissed her.” I remain quiet; shocked that he is giving more details than he ever has about his summer with her. He speeds up his talking as if he’s embarrassed or maybe even feeling something he wants to escape. I know how that feels. “Anyways, she said yes, of course. I mean who could refuse, right? Real romantical bullshit.”

  I nod slowly, getting my line ready to toss out, but still stay quiet in case he’s not done. It’s nice to see him open up for once. We cut up nonstop, but Evan is about as sealed off as me about his past.

  “So she said yes, right?” He snaps his head around to me suddenly, his voice and expression laced in confusion. “I mean, you guys aren’t together today for a change. Shit, she didn’t say no, did she?”

  “Oh no … she said yes.”

  He lets out a breath and I chuckle, casting my line far out into the dark rippling waters.

  “Oh ok. I was about to feel like a horse’s ass.”

  “You are a jackass, no use denying it, but while we are having this sappy little heart-to-heart,” I roll my eyes, using one finger to air quote as he laughs. “I have a question for you.”

  “Yeah …” he draws out.

  I wait, knowing this may get met with a thunder of laughter.

  “So, I rented the main cabin across the lake for the night of the Fourth for Alyssa and me.”

  “Wait … are you asking me for sex advice?” he says in a flabbergasted tone, holding his fishing pole in mid air before casting out.

  “No!” I snap and go on, “Well, not really. I know how to do that …”

  “Oh good. I was going to say … dude, I’m not walking you through the birds and the bees. Go to Tristan for that shit. I’m sure he has a manual or a little black book or dictionary on moves to get your screw on.”

  Shaking my head, yet in absolute agreement with him that my brother probably does write that crap down, I finish with what’s on my mind, “No, what I’m curious about is …” I pause. How the hell do I put this? “Well, I’ve got the cabin rented, but it’s like this … I don’t want her to think I expect anything … I just …”

  “Yet, you rented a cabin for the night … clear across the lake from everyone you know …”

  I ignore his interruption, but flinching from his comment, because it does look that way, like I am expecting sex. I’m not, but if it happens, I sure as hell don’t want it to be in my truck or in a cabin with all my friends listening in and making crude comments immediately following.

  “If it happens, it happens, but what do I do … I mean, do I just take her into the kitchen and sit at the table or to the living room and pull out a deck of cards? I mean, I want …” I ramble on not even knowing what the hell I’m saying anymore or sure of how to word anything floating through my mind at this point.

  “Whoa … whoa … you’re going to hurt yourself. Just chill out for a second,” Evan finishes reeling his line in with a nice sized bass swooshing and flipping through the air as he secures the line and pulls it from the hook. “Just …” He stops what he’s doing, holding the fish by the mouth for a second before he throws it in the cage. “Just go at her pace, ok. I mean, I don’t know her history, but I’m sure you two have discussed that by now whether she’s tested the waters or if she’s still hanging onto her cherry for dear life, but …”

  I chuckle at his always-colorful selection of words, a surge of reassurance swelling inside of me that we have already discussed the matter of past experiences, even though I was a little timid on the subject.

  “… just let her lead. Seriously…” with no traces of a smile and a crease between his brows, he levels me with a completely humorless look, “You don’t know what that is for her. She could have had an accidental pregnancy in her past, a bad experience … maybe she’s not on birth control or you know …” his seriousness falters with his eyes desperately looking for something other than me to land on. I feel a tug at my line and we both look forward, but I quickly look back at him.

  His signature smirk fills the edges of his face and he ends the male bonding in only a way Evan can, “… or she could have been with some dude that was really hung and then she may laugh when you drop your drawers.” His shitty smile drops and he points to my line.

  Twisting the reel at a steady pace and gripping the handle from the weight of the fish, I pull it in while setting him straight, “First off … I’m plenty confident that she won’t laugh, but will more than likely be nervous as hell …” he snickers and I glance his way out of the corner of my eyes as he uses his finger as a gun, making a “pssshhhh” noise.

  “Second …” I go on, tugging my line out of the water. “I’m not sure if she’s on birth control. Our conversation hasn’t got to the point yet, but I think you all have been very generous in that department with all the condoms I have found in random places each and every time I come back to the cabin.” I roll my eyes and Evan spits out a snort. I have seriously got a gym bag full, finding them in my truck, my bag, under my pillow. Some were even lying under my towel when I got out of the shower the other da
y with a clever note from Tristan:

  Ha-ha, is all I can say. Nice stroll down memory lane, Tristan.

  “Third … I will most definitely not do anything she doesn’t want to do. She’s pretty good about acting on what she’s feeling in the moment, I’ve found.” I chuckle, with visions of our first kiss and how she actually licked my chest in the shower house. I still cannot get over that. That was awesome.

  “Nice,” Evan jokes while stumbling to help me with the catfish that I’m struggling with. “That’s a big one.”

  Chuckling to myself, I nod. “And that’s what she’ll say.”

  Evan bursts out laughing as I smile at the hefty beast that I just reeled in.

  The day stretches on with the blistering sun slowly torturing us and making us call it a day.

  “What time is it anyways,” Evan asks, packing the fish we caught into the Styrofoam cooler.

  I pull my phone out of the bottom of the tackle box, thankful that I remembered to grab it out of the truck earlier. Luckily we’ve gotten good at not drowning the boat when we fish or my phone would be toast. Back when we were sixteen, we would usually drag back to the docks with about three inches of water lapping at our feet in the bottom of the boat. We’d end our fishing trips with a celebratory jump into the lake to cool off then carefully pull ourselves back over the edge, bringing in a bucket of water with us. It took us a few trips to figure out that it was best to wait until we pulled into the dock or to just pull into shore for a swim. That was only after out we managed to tip the boat and lose all our fish.

  Pressing the main button, it lights up. “It’s 3:11,” I announce as my eyes land on my photos icon.

  My mind wanders back to last night as Alyssa and I sat in the back of my truck, taking photo after photo. I hit the button and am immediately greeted with her beautiful blue eyes smiling at the camera as she pushes her pink cheek against mine. My heart bounces like the strings on a guitar, vibrating throughout my body with all that I feel for her.

  “Oh shit … what’s this?” Evan stands at the end of the boat, looking down at my phone with a perfect view of the picture I am marveling over. “Really?! You’re acting like a girl,” he spits out, pestering me as he takes a seat back on his side.

  I shake my head with a laugh, “Don’t think I haven’t seen that picture that you keep peaking out of the lining of the camper right above your bed of Piper.”

  Evan’s eyes light up and he stops for a brief second, gathering his wits or maybe shocked that I know about it. “Oooo … you’re quick. Me so proud!” he chuckles, grabbing the boat cord to crank it up. “What were you doing lying in my bed, anyways?”

  I cock my head back, amused that he never stops as we slowly wind our way along the now choppy waters back to the cabin grounds. Getting one past Evan is beyond me; maybe someday.

  Once our feet hit land and we drag all our equipment back to the cabin, I rush down the path and across the lot to find Alyssa. Squealing and laughter reaches my ears as I near the beach and I see her. She’s lounged comfortably across a towel on the sandy shoreline with a pair of big sunglasses positioned across her nose and her face pointed out towards the waters. Lucky for me, she’s alone. I may very well have had a conniption if Tristan was sitting with her.

  “Hey,” I stride up behind her, a stupid grin pulling upward over my cheeks.

  She flips her head around and instantly lights up. “Hi,” she gasps, tossing her glasses from her face, and bouncing onto her feet right into my arms.

  My hands fall around her and my chin lands on the top of her head with wisps of hair tickling at my neck. Evening comes and we swim, fry up some fish and try our best to stay within the group. Of course we sneak away a couple times, but with people like Tristan around that only lasts so long before dirty comments start going around.

  As soon as darkness falls and the girls start to retreat to their cabin, we finally get some time to ourselves. Since I no longer have my truck, and seeing how my cabin is full of listening ears and hers is full of giggling girls, we have to be imaginative on finding a place to sleep. The jokes would run all night in my cabin, so without much of a discussion, we sneak off to the boat house with a bundle of sheets, a sleeping bag and pillow wedged in my arms. That’s pretty much all I need to get comfortable with her by my side.

  We reach the boat house and all that fills the night is the soft chirping of bugs and birds, the gentle whistling of the wind over the metal awning and a subtle slapping of gentle waves against the base of the dock.

  With absolutely no light to guide our way, I hold tight to her hand as we both slide our feet over each board of the dock. Small bays open up every six to eight feet along the edge, offering us relief from the darkness and assuring us that we are not about to take a nose dive into the lake.

  I stop at the end of the dock, my eyes pulled to the night sky where a full moon beams over the trees and illuminates the murky waters.

  Assessing our plan to sleep here, I stare over the hard planks that stretches about five feet across into the bay with the boat Evan and I took out today. We won’t need that much room, because I intend on keeping her very close to me through the night, so this is perfect...

  Squatting down in front of Alyssa, I get busy making a small pallet by laying the sleeping bag down as a cushion over the hard surface, the pillow to the top then the sheet spread out last. The nights have dipped into the low 60’s a couple times this week, but I’m confident I can keep us warm. I turn to face her and rub my hands together, ready to curl up at last.

  “This good?”

  She smiles and nods her head.

  I pull the sheet back, motioning for her to get in and she quickly indulges, sliding her sandals off at the base of the pallet. I do the same and slide in beside her, already at ease.

  We both squirm around to get comfortable then settle into a peaceful silence for a few minutes. Her head rests on my chest with one of her legs flung over one of mine and one of her arms wrapped around my side, her fingertips making a slow path back and forth over my ribcage.

  My hands find contentment across her back, with her pulled so tightly against me that it pushes a deep sigh from her lungs that has the traces of a smile in it. I feel exactly the same way.

  After about five minutes of quiet and right when my eyes start dipping back into darkness, she moves, folding her arms across my chest and laying her chin on them to look at me. Fully opening my eyes, I’m wide awake with the sight of her beauty. The moonlight that shines through the last bay illuminates her face making her eyes sparkle and skin look like porcelain. I take in a quick breath and reach my hand out, running my thumb up her jawline and over her cheek. She smiles but still says nothing, just looks at me with adoring eyes.

  Ok, I can’t help myself. I lift up forcing her to roll onto her back beside me, so I can slide over to lie against her. Our positions have reversed and I’m grateful that there is plenty of room on the dock. I think us falling in the water would really dampen the mood.

  “Have I told you how beautiful you are today?” I whisper, the pace of my heart thudding rapidly.

  “It’s dark … you can’t even see me,” she laughs, writing off my compliment as empty words.

  She doesn’t know how wrong she is; I don’t need to see her.

  “It is dark, but I can see you. I have the contours of your face, every curve of your body and every strand of your hair memorized. I see you every time I close my eyes. So believe me when I say, you’re beautiful,” I enlighten her, not even sure where the hell those words came from, but feeling every ounce of them throughout my heart and soul.

  At first she doesn’t say anything, but as her face lifts, her lips cover mine. I lean into her, moving my mouth in a synchronized rhythm with hers. When she wiggles around beneath me, I pull back to end our kiss.

  “Are you ok?” I laugh.

  “Actually, my swimsuit is tied in the back and the knot is digging into me,” she squirms some more, reaching her han
d behind her back to reposition the tie.

  “Did you bring anything else to wear?” I ask, knowing full well that she didn’t have a bag or anything else with her; neither of us did. She shakes her head.

  I sit up, sliding my t-shirt over my head. I didn’t plan to sleep with it on anyway. “Here,” I say, holding the neck of it open so she can slip it on.

  She slides it on without hesitation and within a second pulls her swimsuit top out of the sleeve. I really wish she would have done that before the shirt was on.

  Once the swimsuit top is flung to our feet to join our shoes, she lies back down. I take in the fact that she is in my shirt for a brief moment before sliding back down on top of her. Something about my shirt hanging over her bare body makes me feel territorial and animalistic in a way, damn near like a cave man that would like nothing more than to drag her off.

  Our lips automatically pick up where they left off and we devour one another.

  “I love the way you kiss,” her muffled voice breathes out between my lips.

  I stop and look at her, wanting to scream out how I feel about her; that I love her, because I know I do, but also really wanting to wait until we are in the cabin on the Fourth.

  Instead I choose to say it without saying it exactly. “I love kissing you, too, Lyssa,” I whisper then move in for a slower kiss. Keeping my lips close to her, I go on, “I love touching you.” I run my hands under her shirt and up the side of her body. “I love feeling you against me.” My hand continues a path over to the bare skin of her back as I pull her to me so that we are nearly one. “I love waking up next to you … I can’t even sleep anymore unless I feel you near.” I take a breath, noticing that she is staring at me as I go on with my declaration of how much I love her.