A Thousand Cuts (CELL BLOCK C)

by Melissa Toppen

  Clearly he feels good about last night as well. Or at least that’s what his actions and mood would suggest. The thought makes my already good mood soar.

  “So, you and Lily?” Ryland says as he steps up next to Finn.

  Lily drops her face into her hands, clearly not finding this as amusing as I am.

  “You guys, I’m sitting right here,” she announces when Ryland goes as far as to ask Finn how she was in bed.

  “Awe, Lil, we’re just messing with you.” I wrap my arm around her shoulder and give her a squeeze. “No one thinks any less of you for sleeping with my brother,” I tell her, laughing when she shoves me off of her.

  “What has gotten into you today?” She cocks a brow at me.

  “What do you mean?” I can’t wipe the smile from my face.

  “Exactly what it sounds like. First you’re mad, then you’re laughing, now you’re poking fun at me like this is all a big joke. Are you sure you’re feeling okay?” She holds the back of her hand up to my forehead.

  “I feel great,” I tell her, pushing her hand away.

  “Maybe a little too great,” she murmurs under her breath so only I can hear.

  This seems to get the reaction she wants and her gaze instantly shoots to Ryland before coming back to me, a million questions in her eyes.

  “Perhaps I’m not the only one that did something unexpected last night,” she whispers.

  I immediately shake my head and hold a finger to my lips.

  “I wish it was what you were thinking,” I mouth, just as surprised as she is by my confession.

  “What are you two whispering about over there?” Finn interrupts our hushed conversation.

  “Oh nothing. Lily’s just telling me more about what a disappointment you were,” I fire at Finn, garnering me another elbow from Lily.

  “Ainsley!” she objects, her gaze swinging to Finn. “I swear I didn’t say that.”

  “Well, this isn’t an awkward morning after or anything,” Ryland observes, sliding down into the chair to my right, holding a steaming cup of coffee in his hands. “And here I thought nothing could top Carol Baxter.”

  “Seriously, Ryland, not you, too.” Finn throws Lily an apologetic glance as he takes the seat between her and Ryland.

  “Who’s Carol Baxter?” I grin, enjoying this way more than I should be.

  “No one,” Finn cuts Ryland off before he can say anymore.

  Ryland chuckles, clearly as amused as I am.

  “Why don’t you two fuck off and give me and Lily a chance to talk?” he suggests.

  “You don’t have to ask me twice.” Ryland stands, glancing down at me. “You coming, Ains?”

  “Right behind you.” I climb to my feet and quickly follow him out of the kitchen and into the living room.

  He settles down on one side of the couch while I claim the other, clicking on the morning news before pulling my legs up underneath me.

  “So Lily and Finn, huh?” he says after a couple minutes of silence have stretched between us. “I don’t know about you, but I totally saw that one coming.”

  “You did?” My surprised expression swings in his direction.

  “You didn’t?” He quirks a brow at me. “How could you miss it? The way they were all over each other last night.”

  “I guess I was a little preoccupied with other things.”

  “Speaking of other things.” He lowers his voice. “About last night.”

  I hold my hand up to stop him.

  “I already know what you’re going to say, so don’t. I won’t say anything to Finn. We can chalk it up to Ainsley drinking too much. And as far as everyone is concerned, it never happened.”

  “Just like that?” He takes a tentative sip of his coffee, watching me over the rim of his cup.

  “Just like that.” I nod, looking back at the television.

  “Ains.” His soft voice coaxes my gaze back to him. “I don’t want to pretend like it didn’t happen.”

  It’s all he’s able to say before Finn and Lily come strolling into the room. Lily slides down between me and Ryland while Finn takes the chair.

  My stomach is a ball of nerves and all I want to do is drag Ryland out of this room and ask him what he meant by that. But knowing I can do no such thing, I turn my attention to Lily.

  “All good?” I ask, smiling at my best friend.

  “All good,” she confirms with a smile so wide it nearly splits her face in half.

  I look over at my brother who’s watching us with a grin on his face as well.

  “I asked Lily to have dinner with me tonight. And she said yes. You got a problem with that?”

  I slide my hand in front of my mouth to cover my smile. “Nope, no problem at all.” I giggle.

  “Good.” He nods once, turning his attention to the television as if to say, ‘that’s the end of that.’

  I’m not sure what the hell was in the air last night, but clearly a lot of shit went down. For starters, I kissed the man I’ve been dreaming of kissing since I was old enough to know what kissing was. And now, suddenly, my best friend and older brother are dating?

  I feel like I’m suffering from a case of wicked whiplash. It’s like I woke up yesterday and everything was one way, then I woke up today and everything was completely upside down.

  I glance over at Ryland who just so happens to look over at me at the exact same moment. Our eyes lock and something unspoken passes between us. Something that causes my palms to sweat and the little hairs on the back of my neck to stand. Something that makes me extremely nervous and yet equally excited. And I have no idea what it is.

  I blink, finally breaking the moment. When I look over at Finn, I find him watching me, a curious look on his face. I smile in an attempt to seem completely natural but I’m not sure if he buys it. Then again, maybe I’m just extremely paranoid.

  Besides, what right does he have to say anything? I caught my best friend sneaking out of his bedroom.

  At the same time, I know this is different. Even if I don’t want it to be.

  Chapter 14

  Ainsley

  “All ready for your date?” I stop in the hallway when I catch sight of Finn primping his hair in the bathroom.

  “Just about.” He wipes his hands on the towel in front of him and turns to face me. “How do I look?” He holds out his arms.

  “You look good,” I admit, taking in his dark jeans and short sleeve gray button down. “Though I have to say, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so dressed up before.”

  “Too dressed up?” he questions.

  “No, no. I think you look perfect. It’s just... different, is all.”

  “Listen, I know this is sudden and we kind of caught you off guard this morning...”

  “Kind of?” I snort out.

  “Okay, we really caught you off guard. But the truth is, Ains, I’ve had a huge crush on Lily for a while and I’ve kept my distance for your sake. Last night things changed and I really hope you can get on board with the two of us feeling this thing out because I really like her.”

  “I can see that. And don’t worry about me. I love Lily and I love you. As long as you two don’t end up hating each other or making it extremely awkward for me, then I’m good with whatever.”

  “Thanks, Ains.” He steps into the hallway with me, dropping an arm over my shoulder as he leads us into the living room. “You going to be okay with it being just you and Ryland tonight?”

  “Of course. Nothing we haven’t done a million times before.” I blow it off like it’s nothing, when in reality I’ve been dying to get him alone all day so I can figure out what his comment this morning meant.

  The thought of possibly kissing him again sends a thrill through me so intense that I have trouble keeping a straight face.

  “I know, but things are still on shaky ground with you two. I don’t want you to feel like I’m throwing you to the wolves.”

  I laugh. “Seriously, Finn. We’ll be fine,” I tell h
im, grabbing his car keys off the coffee table before shoving them in his hand. “Now get out of here or you’re going to be late.” I usher him toward the door.

  “Wait.” He stops, looking around the room as he pats his pockets. “Wallet. Phone. Keys.” He nods. “I think I have everything.”

  “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this nervous about a date before,” I point out.

  “I don’t think I’ve ever been this nervous for a date before. Lily is...” He pauses. “Different. Special.”

  “Yes, she is,” I agree. “And don’t you forget it.” I step around him and open the door. “Now go.”

  Finn takes a deep breath and quickly blows it out, turning to drop a kiss on the top of my head.

  “Thanks, Ains,” he murmurs.

  “Yeah. Yeah. You two have fun.” I stand in the open doorway until Finn has pulled out of the driveway. Stepping inside, I close the door and slide the deadbolt in place.

  “He gone?” I jump at the sound of Ryland’s voice.

  “Shit, you scared me,” I tell him, turning to see him leaning in the doorway of the hallway where it opens up to the living room.

  “Sorry. I didn’t want to interrupt whatever you two were talking about.”

  “We weren’t talking about anything. Not really. He just left for his date with Lily.” I hitch my thumb back toward the door.

  “And how do you feel about that? Your brother dating your best friend?”

  “It’s totally fine.” I shrug, plopping down on the couch moments later.

  “Ainsley, it’s me. You can tell me how you’re really feeling.” He chuckles, pushing away from the wall. “I know a lot has changed over the last five years, but I hope you know you can still talk to me about anything.”

  “I know.” I flip on the television, feeling more awkward than I think I ever have when alone with Ryland. When I was younger nothing felt more comfortable to me.

  “Okay,” he draws out, taking the seat at the opposite end of the couch so that we’re both sitting in the exact same spots as this morning.

  I chew on the inside of my cheek as I mull over his original question.

  “It’s weird,” I finally admit.

  “What’s weird?” He cocks a brow; his mind having already moved on.

  “Lily and Finn,” I admit. “It’s weird. Don’t you think?” I pull my leg up as I angle my body in his direction.

  “Not really. Then again, I don’t really know Lily. To me, she’s just a girl Finn is interested in. But clearly it’s weird for you.”

  “No, it isn’t. Okay, maybe a little.” I laugh, shaking my head. “It’s just, well, what if it doesn’t work out and they end up hating each other?”

  “I guess that’s a risk you take with any relationship. You can’t base your life on what ifs. You have to embrace the good stuff when it comes along and hope for the best.”

  “Yeah, I guess.” I blow out a breath.

  “Look at it this way, maybe they’ll end up getting married and spending the rest of their lives happy and in love. I’m sure you’d love that for both of them.”

  “Of course I would.”

  “See. There’s always the worry that something will go wrong. We don’t stop often enough to ask ourselves what would happen if it goes right.”

  “What did they do to you in prison?” I pull my other leg up and shift further inward, resting my back against the arm rest of the couch. “I don’t remember you being so... insightful.”

  “When you’re staring at the same four walls day in and day out for over five years, all there is to do is think. I guess it forced me to look at things differently than I used to.”

  “What was it like? Being in there.”

  “Lonely.” A sad smile tugs at his lips. “You’re surrounded by people almost all the time, yet I’ve never felt more alone than I did while I was there.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I would do it all over again if I had to.”

  The comment seems weird to me, but for whatever reason, I choose not to question what he means by it.

  “I should have come to visit you,” I say instead, my voice soft.

  “I’m glad you didn’t.” He catches my hurt expression and quickly moves to explain. “I never wanted you anywhere near that place.”

  “It was that bad?”

  “Yes.” He nods. “And no. Just like everything else, when you do something for so long it starts to become your new normal. Eventually I got used to the routine, the people, the lifestyle. But it’s not a world I would ever want you to have any part of.”

  “Is it weird being out?”

  “The first few days were a little rough. Even now I can’t say I’ve fully adjusted to being out, but it’s getting better. I still go to bed every night convinced I’m going to wake up and be back in that cell and all of this was a dream. When you’re on the inside there’s a part of you that feels like you’ll never get out.”

  “That must have been so hard for you.” I knot my hands in my lap. “I was so angry at you for so long that I never really stopped to think about what you must have been going through. Honestly, I think it was easier for me to pretend that you left on your own free will. It was easier to be mad at you for what you did than to focus on why I was really so hurt.”

  “Ainsley.”

  “It’s okay.” I offer a soft smile. “I was fifteen. I wasn’t emotionally equipped to deal with you being gone or why you were gone for that matter. After my mom and dad, I thought you of all people would always be there. And then suddenly you weren’t.”

  “I never wanted to hurt you.” He turns toward me, throwing his arm over the back of the couch. “That’s the last thing I ever wanted.”

  “I know that now. At the time I was just so angry. I was mad at you, at Finn, at the entire world.”

  “What you said last night...” He swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he does.

  “I meant it,” I admit, knowing there’s no point in back pedaling. Truthfully I don’t want to take it back. Even though Ryland now knowing how I felt, how I feel, is embarrassing, it’s also freeing. “I’ve been secretly in love with you for a very long time.” I laugh lightly, trying to lighten the admission.

  “How long is a very long time?”

  “Since I was twelve, maybe.”

  “Twelve.” He chokes over the word. “I had no idea.”

  “How could you have? It’s not like there was a blaring neon sign on my forehead or anything. Besides, I probably would have died if you had found out.”

  “And yet you’re telling me now.”

  “I’m not a kid anymore.”

  “That you most certainly are not.” His eyes do a quick sweep over my face.

  “I’m sorry about last night.” I pause and then, “You know what, no, I’m not. I may have said it after drinking too much, but it didn’t make it any less true. I’m glad you know. I’m glad you can see why I was so mad at you for so long.”

  “Ainsley.”

  “Don’t. I already know what you’re going to say.” I hold my hand up to stop him.

  “Actually, I don’t think you do.” He shifts toward me, not stopping until less than a foot separates us. “I may not have felt the way you did all those years ago, but that doesn’t mean things haven’t changed. I told you last night, you’re all I’ve been able to think about. That wasn’t a lie.”

  My heart kicks up speed, pounding so rapidly against my ribs that the impact vibrates through my entire body.

  “But you also said we can’t,” I remind him, my voice barely above a whisper.

  “We can’t,” he confirms. “Or at least we shouldn’t. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to. Fuck, Ainsley, it’s all I want. Kissing you last night, holding you, I should regret it, or at the very least feel guilty, but I don’t. I don’t feel any of those things because all I can think about is doing it again.”

  “Me, too,” I whisper.

  He take
s a deep breath in and slowly blows it out through his nose like he’s trying to reel himself in, but isn’t sure if he can. I know the feeling all too well right about now.

  He’s not the only one that feels conflicted. But unlike him, I’ve spent my entire life denying myself the things I really want. Well, not anymore.

  Shifting up onto my knees, I throw my leg over his before settling onto his lap.

  “We can’t,” he reiterates when my fingers slide into the back of his hair.

  “We can.” I lean forward so our faces are so close our noses nearly touch. “I know you’re worried about Finn. So am I. But I’ve spent my entire life denying myself of the thing I’ve wanted the most out of fear of rejection or what my brother would think. But now here you are, sitting in front of me, telling me that you want me. How could I possibly ignore that and go back to pretending like my feelings aren’t real?”

  “He would never forgive me,” he whispers.

  “He doesn’t have to forgive what he doesn’t know.” I tangle my fingers around the ends of his hair and tug his face upward slightly.

  “What are you suggesting right now, Ains?” His voice is hoarse, his expression tense.

  “That we see what this is. Just you and me. If it doesn’t work then no one has to be the wiser. But what if it does? What were you saying earlier about even though it could turn out bad, it can also turn out good?”

  “Using my words against me, I see.” A grin tugs at his mouth.

  “Do you want me?” I shift on his lap, my hands sliding to cup his face.

  “I do.” His gaze drops to my lips before darting back to my eyes.

  “Then that’s good enough for me.”

  Without giving him a chance to object, I press my lips against his. It starts out slow, tentative, but it doesn’t stay that way for long. I’ve spent half my life dreaming about what it would feel like to kiss Ryland Thorpe, and let me tell you, it’s a million times better than I ever imagined.

  I didn’t realize how much he was holding back last night, how hesitant the kiss had been, until now. It’s like suddenly there’s no barrier between us. It’s not about our friendship. It’s not about my brother. It’s not about our past. It’s about right now. It’s about him and me. It’s about all the things I’ve felt and never been able to express.