Just Breathe Series (Trilogy Box Set)

by Martha Sweeney

  I’ve never seen Maggie like this and I feel like I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless and useless. How do I help her? How do I help my grieving friend? Why did this have to happen? Maggie is a good person. She doesn’t deserve this. Henry doesn’t deserve this. I don’t deserve this. This is exactly why I don’t let people in. The pain is unbearable. I can’t breathe.

  The sound of something smashing against the wall startles me. I didn’t even realize I threw the tea cup until my hand burns from some of the scorching liquid splashing on it.

  “Emma,” a soft voice calls from behind me as a warm hand touches my back.

  “No!” I shout, yanking my body away from him.

  “Emma,” he consoles, trying to pull me closer.

  “No!” I yell again in opposition. My arms curl around my chest as I violently pull my body away. I fall to the ground as he forces me against him. “No!” The tears rush down my face and I can feel my body trembling from anger and remorse.

  My hands ferociously push him away, but I can’t seem to break free. He holds me tight, not willing to let go. As hard as my brain is fighting for control, my body eventually surrenders to him. I uncontrollably weep into his chest as my hands grip his shirt and my body trembles. I don’t care if Joe sees me like this. I need him and his arms wrapped around me. I don’t care if my friends see me like this. I need to be comforted, I can feel it, and if I deny myself it right now, I fear what I may do.

  By the time Kim gets to the house, Kim, Maggie, Ava, Sadie and I are the only ones in the bedroom — all the men give us privacy. My mind fogs over as I helplessly watch Kim check Maggie. Kim hands me a piece of paper, but I’m unable to read it right away. Ava kindly takes it, keeping it safe and secure for when I’m ready to handle the next step. I walk Kim out and she confirms that Maggie will be okay in time. Most of the challenge is not physical — just grief from the loss. She recommends more tea and says she’ll bring some more ingredients and other things later.

  Ava brings up some fruit and tea as everyone gets settled back into the bed with Maggie, except me. I wrap my arms around my legs, sitting on the chaise by the balcony window. I barely notice when someone comes over to check on me. I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep. From time to time, I glance over at the bodies in the bed. My eye catches movement and I see that Joe is awake. I quickly look away, not wanting to invite him or anyone else over.

  By eight forty-eight in the morning, Henry barges through the bedroom door and flies over to Maggie. The rest of us leave them alone and Arnold escorts us each to a guest room. I don’t let anyone follow me into mine, not even Jared. I text Kim to let her know that Henry has arrived and she confirms that she’ll call the rest of the family. I slump onto the bed and curl up with Sadie. My eyes stare blankly at the wall across from me until exhaustion weighs my eyes closed.

  Sixty

  As I attempt to lift my heavy eyelids, I discover a hazy darkness surrounding me. Blinking slowly several times, my half-opened eyes won’t focus to give me any clear indication of what’s around me and where the blurry, flashing lights above are coming from. My body feels heavy. Still unable to open my eyes all the way, I perceive that I’m laying down somewhere. A cool dampness near my left cheek reveals itself as a slight gust of air brushes past my face. Sliding my right arm up the side of my body like a snake, my fingers creep to my lips. Drool — or, at least I hope so.

  Two large and oddly shaped figures materialize in front of me. They are so close, only a foot or two away. Voices suddenly emanate from the now more defined silhouettes. Their speech sounds muffled and trails off into the distance even as I try to concentrate on their words. Who are they? What are they saying? Why can’t I understand them? One of the voices almost sounds feminine.

  Another indistinguishable sound gradually becomes more apparent as it grows louder and the ringing in my ears subsides. It’s the engine of a car. My brain finally starts to put the fuzzy pieces of evidence together. I must have fallen asleep in the back seat. A familiar smell creeps into my nose that reassures me — my mother’s perfume.

  “Mom?” my throat squeezes out in a raw, breathy, hoarse tone.

  The face of one of the figures sharply turns in my direction, but I can’t make out who it is. The sound of a baby crying in the distance catches my attention. I sit up to see where the child is, but I’m blinded by light.

  The wail of the baby gets louder as I suddenly find myself in a stark white bathroom with the only contrast being large, red puddles all over the floor. My head snaps around and I see Maggie in the corner, wearing a blood-drenched nightgown as she holds something in her arms.

  “Maggie?” my voice cracks.

  I slump to my knees as my right hand reaches for her — for them. Both of their eyes are large, black, lifeless holes and blood continues to seep from their bodies, filling the puddles on the floor. The baby hangs limply in Maggie’s arms as the screams shoot out of Maggie’s mouth.

  “Maggie!” I cry.

  I move to console her, but my body is frozen, suddenly falling into a deep red abyss. Then, my body halts, as if suspended in air. I’m weighted and there’s blood all around me. From my chest down to my toes, my body is submerged in one of the deep bloody puddles a few feet away from Maggie. I’m fighting to keep my arms and head from sinking into the bloody pool, but my arms keep slipping along the floor, spreading more of the dark liquid all around.

  “Maggie!” I scream out in terror.

  The loud sound of a door being forced open snaps me awake and I’m met with Jared striding across the bedroom. Before he gets to me, I’m backing away. “No!”

  “Emma,” Jared calls, reaching after me.

  “No!” I yell, continuing to move away. “No, no, no!” I manage to slip into the bathroom and lock the door after almost tripping over my own feet.

  “Emma, let me in,” Jared instructs with concern while banging on the door.

  I shake my head in opposition as if he can see me.

  “Emma, please,” he begs.

  I hear people mumbling on the other side of my barrier, but I cover my ears and shake my head to rid myself of everything.

  “Emma, please,” Jared pleas again, wrought with distress.

  Continuing to profusely shake my head, I repeatedly mutter under my breath, “No, no, no, no, no, no, no . . . .” As my throat becomes dry and hoarse over time, exhaustion eventually takes over.

  Sixty One

  I wake feeling chilled, temporarily forgetting that I had fallen asleep on the marble bathroom floor. I crack the door open to make sure no one is in the bedroom before exiting. My head and body ache as if I’ve had nothing to drink but alcohol for days. My body slumps into the bed after I check to make sure the main door is locked.

  I know I fell asleep at some point because I don’t remember when Ava came in with some food and tea, leaving it on the nightstand. She must have a master key for all the rooms.

  By the time the sun starts to set, I leave the bedroom and head out to find Maggie. Voices reverberate throughout the halls, but no one sees me as I get to Maggie’s bedroom. The door opens effortlessly and without any noise. As my eyes adjust to the darkness, I discover two bodies wrapped around each other under the covers.

  After leaving Maggie and Henry sleeping, I wander aimlessly and find my body taking me to the backyard. As I round the corner to the outdoor patio, Jade shouts my name. She and Sadie run wildly to me. I sweep Jade up, using her as cover from anyone else getting too close — I’m not sure when everyone arrived since I’ve been hiding in my room all day. Before I sit down with her in my arms, I find myself desperately clinging to her body. Jade doesn’t seem to mind and her compliance encourages my avoidance behavior.

  I sit at a distant chair by the long table, holding on to Jade as Sadie whimpers, trying to lay across Jade and me. Nǎinai and Mŭqīn bring me some tea and food once I get settled. Neither of them say a word to me, but their appreciation and love is seen in their gaze under their
sadness. Jared and Joe reposition themselves closer to me, but they don’t say anything. The family remains silent for a long while as if they are waiting for me to say something. I dodge making eye contact with mostly everyone. At some point, Jade reaches and hands me my tea, but I refuse to take it at first. Jade stays on my lap and tries to get me to eat. I know I should, but the nausea is making even the thought of it appalling.

  “What’s wrong with Maggie?” Jade asks me quietly.

  “She’s not feeling well, sweetie,” I offer in a low voice.

  “I heard Nǎinai mention a baby,” Jade informs. “What baby?”

  Aware that I can’t evade her question, I answer honestly. “Maggie’s baby.”

  “When did she have a baby? I never saw it grow in her belly.”

  “It was just starting to grow, honey,” I say with a sniffle.

  “Did God take her . . . the baby, like He took your parents?” she innocently asks.

  “Yes,” my voice cracks.

  Jade wraps her arms around my neck. “I love you, Emma.”

  “I love you, sweetie,” I say, allowing a tear or two to fall as I squeeze her tight to my body.

  Conversations slowly strike back up throughout the family until everyone eventually ventures into the house to rest. I take Jade into my room with me for several reasons. She’s asleep, and she’s my leverage to escape anyone who may want to come with me. Sadie curls up with us and sleep subdues me quickly.

  The next morning, after a restless night, I learn that because a miscarriage is the death of a child, Chinese tradition dictates that no funeral rites are performed since respect cannot be shown to a younger person, causing the child to be buried in silence. Seeking Ava’s help, I find out where she put Maggie’s blood-stained nightgown and dig a hole in the backyard, burying them myself. As I start to cover the box, Maggie’s gardener, Jose, brings me a small rose bush to add to the grave. Later in the day, I see Nǎinai in front of the roses, lighting some incense and bowing in prayer. Compelled by my love for Maggie and my family, I join Nǎinai. We don’t talk or say our prayers aloud, but words don’t seem to be necessary at the moment.

  Other than when Jade spoke to me last night, and this morning to get the stuff from Ava, I have yet to speak to anyone. I do let Jared closer and seek to console him as well as myself, but it becomes too painful at times. Nathan and Pop-Pop tentatively comfort me as well, but don’t force it. Mŭqīn and Fŭqīn sit by me, and on occasion, they both place their hands on my arms, legs or shoulders. When I make eye contact, they bow in silence, expressing their gratitude.

  By Friday afternoon, Maggie and Henry emerge from their room to join us temporarily. Maggie appears despondent and distant, but who can blame her. Jade tries to console her, but I see the pain in Maggie’s face — she was hoping to have a little girl.

  Henry makes a point to hug me once Maggie is occupied by her mother and Mrs. Wu. He holds me for a long while and I don’t mind it, comforted by the embrace. We don’t say anything, able to express ourselves enough with just our bodies.

  I sneak away from the house after dinner, taking Sadie home with me. Arnold arranges for Deacon, Maggie’s assigned driver and bodyguard, to drive me home. When I get back, I make sure the security latch is in place so even with a key, no one can enter. I leave my phone on, but I turn the volume down, only willing to answer the phone for Maggie.

  After a little bit of time puttering at home, I realize that I don’t want to be around anyone — I know Jared or someone else may come over. So, I decide to leave town with Sadie and check in to a hotel, determined to be away from everyone for a few days. I don’t tell anyone where I’m going. I need space. I need time. I need to heal.

  While at the hotel, I get several text messages from Jared, Nathan, Pop-Pop and Joe checking in on me. They all sound concerned; Jared and Joe the most. When Jared leaves his third voice message, he informs me that he is at my apartment looking for me. Every day he texts and calls trying to get me to answer and announcing that he, Nathan and Pop-Pop are staying at my place waiting for me when they aren’t with Maggie and the family. The one person, Maggie, who I want to call or text doesn’t. I shouldn’t be surprised since she’s got her husband and family with her. I wish she would just tell me what to do.

  From the way Jared texts some of his later messages, it’s clear that he and Pop-pop went back to Maggie’s on Sunday, realizing it’s fruitless to expect me to come home while they are there. To play it safe, I stay at the hotel and checkout on Monday morning.

  Sixty Two

  By late Monday night, I find myself walking over to Joe’s with Sadie. Joe hugs me immediately upon opening the door and we stand connected for a long time without saying a word. When Joe loosens his grip on me, my mouth springs to his. Joe’s lips follow mine eagerly until I push for more physical intimacy.

  Joe shakes his head despite keeping his lips glued mine. “Not like this, Emma.”

  My body press harder against his as my hands cup his face to hold him still, not wanting to hear his words. Joe’s body immediately responds, but a few seconds later, Joe forces himself away from me. Not taking no for an answer, I start to strip in his foyer, moving to follow his attempts to back away. Joe is swayed to my intent by the time I’ve got nothing but my panties on and my hands down his pants.

  I’ve got us both naked before we make it to his bed. Unable to wait for Joe to get the condom on, I drop to my knees and plunge his cock into my mouth. He’s completely hard by the fourth stroke. Not letting me finish him, Joe tosses me onto the bed and crawls over me once the condom is on. Our mouths mash together and I can feel his desperate need for me, which seems to be just as intense as my need for him. His mouth moves to my neck as his hand plays with my sex. He groans his satisfaction when he feels how wet I am between my legs. Joe drops down and plants his mouth on my folds, manipulating my body with his mouth and fingers easily. My first release comes quickly due to denying my body any form of pleasure for the past few days.

  Taking his time as I finish shuddering from the pleasure, Joe gradually moves up my body. My tongue dives into his mouth and my hips shift, eager to feel him inside. Joe denies us both entry as he nonchalantly explores my neck and chest. I try to slide my body down so we’re level for him to fuck me. Joe kisses my mouth, but then moves back to his previous adventure. When I try to move again, Joe captures me by the hips and restricts my movement. My hands try to pry my body free, but end up locked next to my head.

  Unable to break free, my legs wrap around his, pulling him closer. When Joe lets go of my arms, my legs release, expecting him to give me what I want. Instead, Joe continues his gradual exploration of my body. Frustrated and wanting more, I maneuver our naked frames until I’m positioned above him. He tries to flip us, but I’m able to remain on top and slide down on his shaft. My body shivers at the penetration. He tries to shift us again, but I manage to pin his arms down against the bed. My hips savagely rock up and down repeatedly in desperate need for release. Joe pulses his groin up and my legs widen, wanting optimal penetration. My face buries into his neck as the orgasm violently shakes my body.

  Flipping me onto my back, Joe begins to plow into my wet, sensitive cave. He pushes hard as my legs curl around his thighs. My arms wrap up over his back and my hands latch onto his shoulders, securing my body in place. My nails scratch down his back when his organ hardens, causing me to climax. Joe doesn’t slow — his pace fiercely quickens and another orgasm tears through me as he shudders his own release. My lungs intensely burn as my body revels in the combined pain and pleasure.

  The sudden urge to cry consumes me and I roll away from him trying to hide. I feel Joe caress my skin with his hand while his lips try to comfort me along my shoulders. Ashamed of my openness, I jolt out of bed and look for my clothes.

  “What are you doing?” Joe asks, chasing me down the hall.

  My body freezes for a moment, but I say nothing.

  “Emma, please,” he begs with pain in
his words.

  I continue to gather my clothes, getting dressed in the foyer since that’s where they fell. When I have my bra, panties and pants on, Joe spins me around to face him. I try to fight, but my muscles feel too weak to challenge him. My eyes stay fixed on the floor not wanting to look at Joe.

  “Talk to me . . . please,” he implores.

  All I can do is shake my head.

  “Do you need me to reschedule the trip again?” he searches.

  I shake my head with a little more definitiveness. The last thing I want to do is to cause anymore delay for my business moving forward. He graciously postponed it because of Maggie’s condition. My work is one of the few things I can control in my life right now. I don’t even feel like I can control myself — especially with him.

  “Stay. . . please.” His hands cup my face trying to get me to look at him. “Please.”

  I pinch my eyes shut, not wanting to expose myself. My head uncontrollably waves in opposition.

  “Emma . . . beautiful,” he coaxes. His mouth sweetly captures mine.

  My body instantly gives into him — needing him — wanting him — all of him. I press into him, hoping he’ll understand. Joe immediately pushes my pants down as my feet scurry to break free. Two seconds later, he rips off my panties and he heaves my body backward, colliding us into the wall.

  “Fuck me,” I hoarsely moan after not talking for four days.

  Without thought, Joe’s mouth trails the length of my body until his mouth teases my navel. The sound of metal sliding across the marble floor catches my attention and I watch Joe search his pants’ pockets. He grunts irritation, but shifts, leaning far to reach something on the table by the door. Joe lifts his hand to his mouth and tears open a fresh condom wrapper.