Wanderlust

by Roni Loren

  Lex opened his mouth to protest but then clamped his lips shut. What exactly would he say to Aubrey if she were awake? After the I’m-sorry-I’m-an-asshole speech, what then? You’re great, but I’m leaving? Thanks for a fun few days? Stop by and see me in L.A. sometime?

  He wasn’t offering any kind of forever, any kind of normal. He wasn’t in a place to give her what she deserved. He was going to record an album and then hop right back on the road. What woman would want that kind of life?

  Gray gave a satisfied grin. “Yeah, I thought so.” He turned his back on Lex and returned to the chair next to Aubrey’s bed. “I’ll tell her you stopped in to say good-bye whenever she wakes up.”

  “Sure you will.” Lex wasn’t going to count on that. He walked with deliberate steps to the opposite side of the hospital bed. Gray’s eyes followed him warily. Lex leaned down and touched his lips gingerly to the curve of Aubrey’s jaw, savoring the last moment he’d be able to kiss her. Then, he put his mouth next to her ear so that Gray couldn’t hear his whispered good-byes, couldn’t hear him tell Aubrey how he felt about her.

  When Lex was done, Gray raised a hand in a mock wave. “Have a safe trip home.”

  Lex knew it was juvenile, but he flipped him off before he strode out the door. The shithead.

  A few steps outside the door, he glanced down at the card he’d been holding in his hand and shook his head. He tossed it in the wastebasket outside of her room.

  An older woman nearly bumped into him as he strode past the trashcan. “Excuse me,” she said haughtily, eyeing him up and down with hawklike precision.

  He grumbled a response and headed past her, out of the hospital, and to the airport. Out of Aubrey’s life for good.

  Chapter 14

  Aubrey couldn’t tell if she was dreaming or awake. If it was a dream, it was a particularly crappy one. Where was the dashing knight? Or the ability to fly? Or unlimited cupcakes that never made you gain weight? All good dreams had one of those components. This one had none. Only pain, blackness, and incessant beeping noises. So many things ached that she couldn’t begin to pinpoint where the hurt came from. She tried to open her eyes, but her lids wouldn’t obey her command.

  A faint murmuring of voices seeped through the fog in her brain. Familiar voices. She strained her ears, trying to decipher what was being said.

  “We could have lost her,” someone said, her voice catching.

  Mom.

  “Exactly. She’s clearly under too much stress,” her father stated in his booming Southern drawl.

  “And that’s my fault?” a new voice cut in.

  “You’ve loaded her up with too much work. You put her on a music assignment, for God’s sake. You sent an alcoholic into the den of iniquity, Jordana.” Her father’s sharp tone ratcheted up the pounding in Aubrey’s head.

  Jordana sighed. “Since when is Aubrey an alcoholic? I’ve never seen her take a drink. And when I agreed to hire her, I didn’t sign up to be her babysitter. I gave her a shot as a favor to you. But it turns out she’s good at what she does. She earned her chance to try an assignment with more responsibility. I thought you’d be pleased.”

  Aubrey’s breath caught. Her father had asked Jordana to hire her?

  Her father scoffed. “Pleased that she was being sent out to strip clubs and bars? During a campaign, no less? Brilliant thinking on your part.”

  Jordana’s voice was low but firm. “You can’t treat her like a child forever. She’s a grown woman.”

  “I don’t care. I love her and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep her safe, even if that means having her hate me in the process. I’ve already buried one daughter, I’ll be damned if I bury another. I won’t survive if I lose Aubrey, too,” her father said, his voice wavering.

  Moisture gathered beneath Aubrey’s lids. She hadn’t heard that level of raw emotion from him since the weeks following her sister’s death.

  Her father cleared his throat, his voice returning to the cool control he’d honed as a politician. “As soon as she comes out of this, I want you to release her from her job.”

  What? Aubrey opened her mouth to protest, but her throat felt like she had swallowed razor blades.

  “I can’t fire her for no reason,” Jordana protested. “She was about to get a promotion.”

  “You can fire her for sleeping with the guy she was supposed to be interviewing,” said a tired voice. Grayson.

  Someone sucked in a breath. Aubrey assumed it was her mother.

  “Aubrey and Lex?” Jordana asked, sounding shocked. “Wow, I didn’t know she had it in her. That’s . . . wow.”

  Jordan sounded more impressed than anything, but Aubrey’s father didn’t seem to pick up on that.

  “Well, there you go,” her father snapped, all business despite the fact that the topic had suddenly turned to his daughter’s sex life. “There’s your reason. You can let her go, and she can come and stay with us for a while. Get her head on straight.”

  “She’s not going to want to move out of her place,” Gray said. “I can go stay with her to help her recover if you want.”

  Aubrey’s heart thumped rapidly. Recover? From what? And what right did they have to plan her future without her? Anger tore through her like wildfire, heating her cold, stiff muscles. She fought past the pain in her throat and forced a sound through. An unattractive stuck-pig grunt made it past her dry lips.

  The voices paused.

  “What was that?” her mother asked.

  “I think she’s waking up,” Gray said, a smile entering his voice.

  ***

  Three days later, the doctor agreed to release her. She had a broken rib, a concussion, and more bruises than a prizefighter, but nothing was permanently damaged. The swelling in her face had gone down a bit, allowing her to finally speak more than groans and murmurs. And boy was she ready to talk.

  Grayson arrived with an armful of flowers and a face full of smiles.

  “Aubs, it’s so good to see you sitting up and out of that hospital gown.” He strode across the room, dropped the bouquet of roses on the bedside table, and kissed her forehead. “Even beat-up, you look beautiful.”

  She cringed and shrank away. “Don’t.”

  He frowned. “I’m sorry. Your skin’s probably still tender everywhere, huh? I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  The irony in his last statement made her cough on a bitter laugh.

  He went over to the solitary window in her room and yanked open the curtains. The bright morning sun made the hospital room look even more soulless and sterile.

  He turned toward her and leaned against the windowsill. “Look, your parents are going to be here in a few minutes, and I know they want you to go and stay with them. But, I know you’d rather live in a tent in City Park than have your mother hovering over you constantly. So, what do you say to me coming to stay with you for a little while? I think if they know I’m there to help, they’ll let you go home.”

  “No one needs to let me go home. If I want to go home, I will.” She crossed her arms and winced when her rib reminded her it was broken.

  He laughed. “Oh, right, that’s not what I meant. It’s just, you know how your parents can be. So what do you say to me being your new temporary roommate?”

  She looked down at the twisted bed sheets and took a deep breath. “Gray . . .”

  He crossed the room before she could say another word. She didn’t lift her head as he sat on the edge of her bed. “Aubs, I’m not asking to start things up again. I’ll only be there to help you out. If that turns into more, so be it. If not, that’s okay, too. I can wait for you.”

  She smoothed a patch of sheet with her hand and then met his eyes. “Gray, there can’t be anything between us.”

  His brow creased. “What? Why? If it’s too soon—”

  “It’s not about timing.”<
br />
  “If this is about that idiot musician, I mean, I know what happened between you two. And look, I don’t care. We all do stupid things sometimes.”

  A shot of pain that had nothing to do with her injuries rocketed through her. Lex. “It’s not about him.”

  “Then what?”

  She took a deep breath, an inner cold creeping through her at even saying the words aloud, making the ugly truth real. “Gray, I know.”

  He pushed her hair away from eyes, searching her face. “What do you mean? Know what?”

  “What you did that night. What made me veer off the road.”

  The color drained from his cheeks and he stood, a sharp edge to the movement. “What?”

  Her voice held no anger, only resigned sadness. “You were the one who was too drunk that night. You distracted me. You lied to me about how it all happened.” She swallowed hard. “Why would you do that to me? How could you let me carry that blame all alone?”

  “Shit, Aubrey. Shit.” He swiped a hand through his hair, tears turning his bright eyes to a swampy green. He shook his head and looked down as if the answers were written on the ugly linoleum floor. “God, I don’t know. It just happened. I panicked.”

  “You panicked?” Ten years seemed like a long time to be panicked.

  “Yes. I saw Ashley. She was so . . . broken. No one was going to be able to help her, Aubs. I would’ve done anything, but there was just so much blood . . .” His voice caught, and he glanced up at her, anguish on his face. “She was dead before any help got there. Because of me. I got scared.”

  “Scared? Of what? Having people treat you how they’ve treated me for the last ten years?” She knew the answer, but couldn’t help asking the question. She wanted to hear him say it. Admit out loud what he had done.

  “You weren’t eighteen yet. I didn’t know if I could be charged with something for distracting you. I knew they wouldn’t throw you in jail.”

  “No, but they could toss me in rehab and blame me for the rest of my life. God, Gray, all this time, you let me think . . . Even if you didn’t want to tell anyone else, you should’ve told me. You let me live with this. Every fucking day, Grayson. I’ve thought about it every day.”

  He returned to the window, turning his back to her. “I know. I know. I’ve lived with it, too. I tear myself up thinking about it. Believe me. But I didn’t know what else to do. No matter what I said, it wasn’t going to bring her back or undo what happened to you afterward. So I thought I could be there for you instead.”

  Her jaw flexed as she stared at his back. “Be there. Meaning, sleep with me like you wanted to in the first place, like you told me that night.”

  He stayed silent.

  “All those years we dated. All the crap you saw me go through with my parents. You never considered telling me? Saving me some of that grief? Sharing some of that blame?”

  “You would’ve hated me,” he said, whirling around. “I didn’t want to lose you.”

  She shook her head. “You didn’t want to lose me? You left me.”

  “I—”

  Before he could respond, her mother and father strode into the room, not bothering to knock. The matching tense looks on their faces said they had been fighting. Her mom quickly covered her sourness with a gleaming smile.

  “Look at you, all dressed and ready to go.” She flitted to the bed, grabbed Aubrey’s hands and squeezed. “I’m so glad you get to come home with us today. I was able to rearrange my appearances at campaign events for the next week, so that I can stay home with you and help you recover.”

  Aubrey gave a small smile. “Mom, that’s really nice of you, but I don’t think that’s necessary.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Of course it is. You look like a poster child for a domestic violence shelter.”

  Aubrey cringed. Even after being in the political world for decades, her mother still hadn’t learned the art of tact. “I’ll be fine.”

  “Sure you will. After a few weeks of rest and relaxation, not to mention a break from that job of yours, you’ll be as good as new. Your dad and I will take care of everything.”

  “And we’re willing to pay for rehab again so you can get back on track,” her father said gruffly.

  Her mother gave him a sharp look. “Emile, we talked about this. She’s coming home with us, not going to some clinic.”

  Aubrey’s politeness drained from her, and the anger from the overheard conversation with Jordana returned. She extracted her hands from her mother’s and straightened her shoulders. She’d been planning her speech in her head for days. She wanted to announce to them that Gray had lied. That there was nothing wrong with her. That guilt trips would no longer work. That she wasn’t going to let them puppet master her life. Her life and dreams were her own, and she was in charge.

  But when she saw Gray’s haunted face, the words lodged in her throat. Instead of seeing him as the man he was now, she saw the teenager from the night of the concert. Any one of them, her sister included, could’ve ended up behind the wheel that night. They’d all made shitty decisions. Yes, he’d been an asshole and had distracted her. But she should’ve never been driving in the first place. Gray had freaked out and made a selfish decision to let her take the fall. She wasn’t sure if she would ever be able to forgive him for that, but reassigning blame wouldn’t fix anything. It’d just reopen the wounds. Her parents wouldn’t change, and Ashley would still be gone.

  She wet her lips.

  “Listen. I don’t want anyone to say anything until I’m finished.” She gave each one of them a pointed look. “I am not going home with anyone. Not to your house, Mom and Dad. And not with you, Gray. I know you all love me and think you have my best interests at heart, but the decision is not yours to make. I’m getting a cab and going to my own home. I’m not going to rehab. I don’t need any mental help. I don’t need a boyfriend.”

  Gray looked down at his feet.

  “I’m going to live my life the way I want. If you would like to be a part of that, fine. I would love that. However, if all you want to do is tell me who or how to be, then you can all say good-bye now. I don’t have time for that anymore.”

  Her mother’s lips parted then closed, and her father’s face turned an unbecoming shade of purple. Gray continued to stare at the mottled pattern of the hospital’s linoleum.

  She grabbed her bag of belongings, which had been collected from the accident, and gingerly rose to her feet. Then, with as much poise as she could muster without grimacing, she walked past them without saying another word.

  She was fucking done.

  ***

  Six weeks later

  Maybe making life-changing decisions while under the influence of painkillers had not been her wisest moment. As Aubrey surveyed her now-empty office, a wave of anxiety roiled in her stomach. The job had been her first out of college, and she had loved it. She wouldn’t let the knowledge that her dad had gotten her foot in the door taint that. She’d worked hard here and had moved up quickly. And now she was leaving it. No job. No paycheck. No safety net.

  She leaned forward in her desk chair and stared at her reflection in the blank screen of her computer monitor. “I can do this.”

  Her reflection didn’t look as confident as her voice sounded. She groaned and stood.

  The only thing left to pack was hanging on the wall above her desk. She unhooked the framed cover of the August edition of NOLA Vibe from its nail and placed it on top of her last box of personal belongings. Her first cover story. Something she had wanted for as long as she could remember. Too bad that every time she looked at it, she felt emptiness pinging through her.

  She absently traced the frame with her finger, letting her eyes linger on the photo of Lex—a photo that had been taken only a few hours after their tryst in Nick’s office. Even on a flat page, Lex’s eyes sparkled with a mischievo
us glint that made her whole body ache. She swallowed past the sudden tightness in her throat and flipped the frame over. No use looking back.

  “Have you talked to him since he left?”

  Aubrey jumped with a squeak and whirled around.

  Jordana cringed. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you. I hate when people do that to me. I should’ve knocked.”

  She waved her off. “It’s fine. I was just lost in thought, I guess.”

  Jordana glanced at the box and then back to her. “So?”

  Aubrey shrugged. “No. I haven’t talked to him. Anything I needed for the article, Pete handled.” She dropped her gaze and busied herself with digging through her purse for lip balm. She didn’t want to have this conversation even though Jordana had been surprisingly okay with the revelation that Aubrey had slept with the talent. Honey, if you only knew how many musicians I’ve gotten myself in trouble with over the years.

  Jordana crossed her arms, somehow looking nonchalant and stern at the same time. “You could always give him a call.”

  Aubrey twisted the cap off the stick of lip balm and rubbed it on her chapped lips, eyeing Jordana. “There’s nothing to talk about. It was a silly fling. It was six weeks ago. I’ve moved on.”

  Her boss’s pointed stare proved that the woman had missed her calling as an interrogator.

  But Aubrey wasn’t going to give in. “So did you need me for something?”

  Jordana sighed but let her arms drop to her sides. “Yes, I wanted to make sure you hadn’t reconsidered. I know you were upset about why I hired you, but your dad was just trying to help you in his own way. Believe me, you wouldn’t have been here this long unless you were good. I hate to lose you.”

  She smiled. “I know. And, really, I was never mad at you. But that’s not why I’m leaving. I need a fresh start. I have to get out of town for a while.”