Love Online

by Penelope Ward

  Fuck, I needed to tell her. Now. But she was right in the middle of her show, so I couldn’t talk to her.

  The need to see her, though, was unbearable, especially when she might be thinking she was about to lose me. I needed to make sure she was okay. So I decided to turn on her show and watch for a while.

  When I called up her page, Eden was sitting with her legs crossed, just talking and answering questions. She looked okay, not sad or anything, so that calmed me down a little. And my pulse definitely slowed any time I logged in and found her not naked. Thank God her clothes were on.

  One of the questions someone typed in for her caught my attention.

  Luke893: Have you ever been in love, Montana? And how can you tell if you’re really in love with someone?

  She was still in the middle of answering a different question, so I wasn’t sure if she had seen that one. But I waited anxiously for her response.

  After about a minute, she said, “Have I ever been in love, Luke wants to know.”

  My heart pounded as Eden inhaled and closed her eyes.

  Say yes.

  “I most definitely have been in love, Luke. All I can say is…you just know when you love someone. But the most telltale sign is if the thought of losing them scares you more than anything. You spend years just fine on your own and then—boom. Someone comes along, and you realize you can no longer breathe without them. It’s…terrifying.”

  And if I’d had any doubt she was referring to me, she added, “Let’s just say, your question is very timely tonight.”

  I couldn’t let her go on another second thinking she was about to lose me. I needed her to know how much I loved her, how much she had me.

  I typed frantically.

  I love you so much, Eden. I’m so sorry I haven’t said those words before tonight, but I’ve felt it for a very long time. You’re my person. And you’re not going to lose me—not for any job, not for any other woman, not for anything in this world. You are a gift from God who came into my life just when I needed you most. I want to spend the rest of my life showing you just how much I cherish you. Please forgive me for taking so long to realize that I cannot live without you.

  When she finally noticed the comment, the look on Eden’s face wasn’t what I’d been hoping for. It was an expression of shock…confusion…maybe disgust?

  Then it hit me.

  Fuck.

  Fuck!

  Fuck!

  I’d just professed my love for her logged in as AssLover433! She had no way of knowing it was me—probably thought I was a whack-job stalker.

  Nice, Ryder.

  Nice!

  I rubbed my hands over my face. Okay, think.

  I typed.

  Eden, it’s Ryder. Please don’t hate me, but I created this account so I could watch you without you getting nervous about it. It’s me—been me all along, fucking with you from this account. (Was gonna tell you about it eventually so we could have a laugh. Never got around to it. Whoops!) I got a little ahead of myself and forgot I wasn’t logged in as ScreenGod just now. I’m losing my mind because I needed to tell you how much I love you before you spent another second thinking we were in trouble. I know why you were worried. And you were wrong, Eden. It’s not her. It’s you. It’s always been you. I love you. I meant every word I just said. I love you so much. So fucking much, baby. You have no idea.

  I immediately purchased a thousand coins and dumped them into the pot to request a private chat.

  Eden’s hands were shaking as she covered her mouth.

  Her voice trembled. “I’ll be right back, everyone.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  * * *

  EDEN

  What the what?

  I couldn’t switch over to the private chat room fast enough. My entire body was trembling.

  When Ryder’s gorgeous face lit up my screen, the look in his eyes matched the beautiful sentiments he’d just typed.

  I couldn’t wait to say the words. “I love you, too. Oh my God, Ryder. I love you so much.”

  “I love you,” he said again. “I love you. I love you. I love you. I’ll never be able to say it enough.”

  “Say it again.”

  His eyes were glistening. “I love you, Eden Shortsleeve.”

  I wiped tears from my eyes. “You really shocked me tonight.”

  “Mallory told me what she said to you at the wake, and now I realize that’s what’s been bothering you. You’ve been holding your breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I also realize now that you had no reason to have confidence in me, because I never gave you a solid reason to believe in my feelings for you.”

  I had to know. “What happened with her tonight?”

  “She came by and told me she wanted me back, that she loved me—everything you were expecting. I felt almost nothing while she was pouring her soul out to me. I was numb, and that’s because every inch of my heart is filled with you. It’s been slowly filling up from the moment I laid eyes on you.”

  I started to cry harder.

  “Are you okay?”

  I sniffled. “Yes. I’m just really happy.”

  “I know your mind is probably going a mile a minute, still wondering how we’re gonna make this work. But we will make this work. When something is worth fighting for, you don’t wait around to figure out logistics. You say yes, you accept the gift you’ve been given, and you figure out the rest later, because life is too damn short to be unhappy.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying, fuck the job, fuck everything else—I want to be with you. That’s my priority. And I want to be a part of Ollie’s life, too. Not just from a distance, but every day. And not just as a friend but as family. Because that’s how I feel about you—both of you. You’re my family, the only family I have.”

  I wiped my eyes again, overwhelmed with emotion. Then I started to laugh as the reality of what he was saying set in. “What? You’re gonna move into my tiny house?”

  “Yeah, maybe. Fuck it. That’s for the three of us to figure out. It won’t happen overnight. But in the meantime, I’ll come visit more often, and the goal will be deciding where we’ll settle, whether that’s L.A. or St. George. Maybe both. I know you don’t want Ollie to leave his school. We’ll figure it out, even if I have to commute every weekend for a while or indefinitely—that would be worth it. There is nothing that matters more to me than you, Eden. Nothing.”

  I felt like I could finally exhale. Looking up at the ceiling, I said a silent prayer to my mother, thanking her in case she had something to do with this.

  Thank you.

  “I can’t believe you were AssLover all along. I can’t even be mad at you for that.”

  “I had a lot of fun with it.”

  “Oh, I know. I was there!”

  ***

  We’d decided we weren’t going to say anything to Ollie about Ryder’s upcoming visit. This one was going to be particularly epic because Ryder and I planned to tell Ollie about our commitment to each other.

  Ollie and I were hanging around the house after dinner. I knew Ryder was set to arrive any minute, so I was feeling very antsy.

  At one point, I noticed Ollie carrying a large pile of towels into the laundry room. Had he been hoarding towels? That was odd. He never took care of his own laundry. While perplexing, it made me happy to think he was taking some initiative around the house.

  My heart jumped for joy when Ryder texted me that he was outside.

  Ollie had returned to his room, so I quietly opened the front door and leapt into Ryder’s arms.

  His kiss felt warmer, more intense than ever, and I knew that was because for the first time I was tasting the man I knew truly belonged to me.

  “How was your flight?” I whispered.

  “Too long. I couldn’t wait to get here.” He looked beyond my shoulder. “Where’s Ollie?”

  “In his room.”

  When he arrived at Ollie’s bedroom door, Ryder s
tarted to make his cricket sound.

  Ollie jumped. “No way!”

  “Hey, buddy.” Ryder embraced him.

  “You didn’t tell me you were coming!”

  “That was the whole point—to surprise you.”

  It warmed my heart to see the look on Ollie’s face as they hugged. He was so at peace whenever Ryder was around.

  “How long can you stay?”

  “How long do you want me to stay?” Ryder asked.

  “Is that a trick question?”

  He laughed. “What if it wasn’t?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “If it wasn’t a trick question, how would you answer it? If you could choose, how long would I stay?”

  Without hesitation, Ollie answered, “I would say forever.”

  “Well, I’m gonna stay longer than I normally do this time. And I’m gonna figure out a way to be with you guys more, and I don’t have any plans to stop coming back. So that sounds kind of like forever to me.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Dead serious. I love your sister very much. And I love you, too. I want you to know that.”

  Ollie’s eyes opened, something he only did when he was either stressed or really excited. It made me want to cry.

  “You really mean that?” he asked.

  Before Ryder, my brother had only known the men in his life to disappear. It meant so much to me that Ryder would be setting a different example.

  Ryder placed his hand on Ollie’s shoulder. “If there’s one thing you know about me by now, I hope it’s that I don’t say things I don’t mean.”

  Ollie nodded. “Yeah.”

  “You know, Ollie, people who can see are sometimes able to look into each other’s eyes and tell when someone’s being sincere. I know you can’t do that, but I can show you something else.” Ryder took Ollie’s hand and placed it over his heart. “Feel that?”

  “Your heart. It’s beating really fast.”

  “It’s beating like this because I’ve been wanting to say these things for a long time, but I was scared to. I was so nervous to admit that to you—not because I’m unsure, but because I was afraid you wouldn’t believe me. I’m in this for the long haul, if you want me to be.”

  “Yeah, I do.” Ollie reached for him. “I love you, too, Ryder. Like, more than anything—besides Eden.”

  They embraced, and Ryder shut his eyes tightly as if to soak in those words.

  “You love me more than Gilbert Gottfried?”

  Ollie pretended to have to think about it. “Yeah, I think so.”

  “I’ll accept that one-percent doubt.”

  After they broke their hug, Ollie asked, “Does this mean you’re moving here?”

  “I can’t move completely yet, because I still have a lot to figure out at work. But I’m gonna try to come every weekend, if that’s cool with you.”

  “If we lived in California, you wouldn’t have to do that.”

  “I know, but your school is here, and that’s the most important thing.”

  Ollie shrugged. “Says who?”

  “Your sister. And you feel that way, too, right?”

  Surprised at Ollie’s question, I addressed him, “You used to say you’d never want to move from St. George.”

  “That was before Ryder. I love my school, but if I had to choose between the two, I’d rather have Ryder around every day. It’s not even a contest.”

  Wow. I guess I underestimated his feelings.

  “There are a lot of considerations,” I said. “You know this house inside out, and if we moved, you’d have to get used to an entirely new layout. We’d have to find a school that was a good fit for you. That takes time.”

  Ryder could see the look of concern on my face. I was sure he knew this talk of moving was starting to stress me out. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to move to California. I wanted that more than anything.

  As if he could read my mind, Ryder came up behind me and rubbed my shoulders. “We’ve got all the time in the world. We can start by keeping an eye out for schools in California, though.”

  “Or keeping an ear out,” Ollie corrected.

  Ryder smacked his forehead. “You got me, kid. We’ll keep our ears and noses out. If the right fit comes along, we’ll make a decision together about moving. And even if we find a good school, you can change your mind. That’s okay, too.”

  “It will be a team decision,” I said.

  Ryder glanced over at me. “Yeah, a family decision.”

  ***

  After Ollie went to sleep that night, Ryder seemed on edge as we retreated to my bedroom. We hadn’t discussed whether or not I’d be working tonight, although my plan was to skip it.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  He seemed very tense. “There’s actually something I want to talk to you about.”

  My heart sped up a bit. “Okay…”

  “This is hard for me, because I normally consider myself a strong person, but when it comes to you, all bets are off. I’m jealous, out of control, a little crazy.”

  “What’s going on?”

  Ryder took me by the hand. “Come here. Let’s sit.” He sat on the bed with his back against the headboard and pulled me to straddle him. His face turned red as he let out a long breath. “I don’t want to share you anymore, Eden.”

  It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what he was getting at. “You want me to stop camming…”

  “Here’s the thing. I don’t want you to stop if it truly makes you happy. But if it doesn’t make you happy? Then, yes. I want you to stop.” He ran his hand along my body. “Because this is mine, and I don’t want anyone else to have it anymore—even virtually.”

  This clearly wasn’t easy for him to bring up.

  “You’ve been wanting to say this for a while, haven’t you?”

  “What right do I have to tell you what to do? None. All I can tell you is how I feel. I know that sounds hypocritical, because your job is how we met, but the more I grow to love you, the harder it is for me to accept sharing you.”

  I wanted to quit camming more than anything, but this wasn’t just about no longer taking my clothes off. The camming was my livelihood, and giving it up meant becoming dependent on Ryder, something I’d vowed I’d never do.

  “I really want to be able to say yes.”

  “What’s your hesitation?”

  “I don’t want to have to rely on you. And without that money coming in, I will.”

  “What’s wrong with leaning on someone else for a while—especially someone who has the means to support you? You’ve been independent for a long time. It’s okay to let someone else help you, especially if they love you. This isn’t charity, Eden. You finding a different career would benefit me just as much as you. In a way, it’s me being selfish and using my money for my own benefit—for my own sanity. Look at it that way, if you want. Let me buy some sanity.”

  That did help me see the situation a bit differently. “Love is about sacrifice, isn’t it? I guess I’m still getting used to not only that concept but the idea that someone would love me enough to want to take care of me.”

  “I wouldn’t be supporting you forever, because I know you wouldn’t let me do that, even though I might want to. So just let me get you on your feet, so you can do something you want to do, that makes you happy and doesn’t make me want to kill half the male population of the world.”

  That made me laugh, but I knew he wasn’t kidding. And I’d made up my mind; I wasn’t going to continue doing something that made him miserable. It had been different before we were truly committed, but being in a relationship was about sacrifices. Ryder was already sacrificing a lot of time to be with me, and I needed to take this plunge, despite how scary it seemed.

  There was only one thing left to say. “Okay.”

  Ryder seemed surprised at how easily I gave in. “Okay? Like, you’re done? Just like that?”

  “Yes. Cold turkey. I’ll post a mess
age on my page tomorrow and cancel my account.”

  He buried his face in my chest. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

  “You know, it was a big deal what you did earlier, using the word family around Ollie. I know you wouldn’t do that unless you absolutely planned to stick around. That helped it sink in how serious you are about this. So, this is a two-way street. I wouldn’t have the courage to leave camming if I wasn’t certain you were here to stay.”

  “I am, baby. I love you so much.”

  I looked around at all of my props. “Whatever am I gonna do with all of this shit?”

  He sighed. “Some of it I think we should burn. Other things, like the lube, we can put to good use.”

  With each second that passed, I became more relieved about leaving my job. “Oh my God, I never want to see another dildo for as long as I live.”

  “No more sacrificing bananas,” he joked.

  I cackled. “No more telling men how to dress themselves. No more talking like a baby to men wearing diapers.”

  His eyes widened. “Hold up. What?”

  “Oh yeah. I didn’t tell you that one?”

  “No!” Ryder shook his head and laughed. “Also, no more dumb questions from AssLover.”

  “Aw, I loved AssLover. He was so…special.”

  “Until he professed his love—that’s when he crossed the line. You should’ve seen the look of horror on your face when you thought he was the one saying all those things.”

  “I can’t even be mad about anything that went down that night. I was so relieved to find out I didn’t have a delusional stalker, and that our feelings are mutual.”

  Ryder looked up into my eyes. “You know, I spent a long time feeling like I didn’t belong in my own skin. I had the perfect job, the seemingly perfect life, yet I was never happy. Happiness cannot be found in things. I know that now. I never felt truly happy until I met you. And Ollie just adds a layer to that—one I didn’t even know was possible. I’ve realized making him happy makes me happy. And it doesn’t take much, because he appreciates the little things. I’m learning that the little things are the big things. He’s taught me so much about what’s really important. All I need is this little family we have. Thank you for letting me be part of it.”