Little Games of Love: A Novel

by Gabriela Paz

  It didn’t matter, even if she kept it, forgetting about her father was the only choice she had, and that’s what she had been trying to do all these years. Trying was one thing, though, and succeeding was another. Growing up without a father was not something she could forget about or move on from that easily.

  Most people she knew who lived with their mothers still had caring fathers who tried to stay in touch. Even if it was only for show or to pretend like they were loving fathers, at least they were somewhat in the picture. Her father hadn’t tried to make contact with her for over twelve years now. So if this was his attempt to make contact, it was surely too late.

  As Eva walked up the stairs with the letter in her hand, she wondered if she should tell her mother about it. Whatever was written in that letter, her mother would surely want to know about. But why didn’t he send her one too? Or worse, what if he had already sent her one?

  “You stupid man. I hate you!” she cried out. It didn’t matter if she was talking to a letter or to her father’s ghost. She was furious. “You see what you have done? One more thing to add to your list of the worst father in history. It’s all your fault, everything is your fault! You ruined me, and you think that you have the right to write me a stupid letter now? After all this time?”

  Eva sobbed, utterly hopeless. Without realizing it, she had finally unleashed her repressed snowstorm of emotions that had kept her trapped all this time, and now, there was no going back. “We were so happy. Everything was perfect. I will never forgive you,” she cried as she entered her bedroom, where she locked herself in for the rest of the night.

  The rays of light escaping through the window woke Eva up the next morning. Her mind had already regained consciousness, but her body wouldn’t move. Knowing well what her first thought was going to be in the morning didn’t exactly make her excited. As she finally rolled to the side, trying to avoid reality, there it was, sitting on her night table, the stupid letter. She looked at it closely one last time, and decided to put it safely inside the bottom drawer of her night table.

  Just like she had been able to avoid thinking about her father, she was going to forget about the letter. Why not? She could pretend like she never received it, and that would be the end of it. Suddenly she heard the noise of plates and cups clinking together from the bottom floor as her mom probably prepared breakfast. She stood up quickly to brush her teeth and made her way down the stairs to see her mother. “Hey, I thought you would be working today,” she said with a sleepy voice and still in her pajamas.

  “Hi, sweetie. I have the day off. I thought I told you. You slept late this morning.”

  “Oh, right. Yeah, I was tired. It was a long week.” Eva said as she sat on one of the barstools yawning.

  “Any plans for today? Will you go sailing again anytime soon?”

  Eva laughed. “Stop fishing, mom! If I was going, you know I would tell you. Leo is actually traveling right now, and I haven’t heard from him in a few days, so…”

  “Well, I’m sure he will turn up. He seems like a clever guy.”

  “I don’t know. I actually don’t know him all that well, I just realized. Maybe I should slow down a bit and take this less seriously.”

  “If you like him, I don’t see why you should.”

  “I don’t know…I checked the mail for you yesterday, by the way. I put it here on the counter. I assume you saw it?”

  “Yes, thank you, sweetie. Nothing important, only my regular magazine and bills.”

  “Oh, okay,” Eva stuttered, and without giving it a second consideration, she blurted, “Have you heard from dad?” If she was going to rip the band-aid off, she needed to do it quickly before it was too difficult.

  Her mother looked disconcerted, “Your father? Why?”

  “No, just wondering. I don’t know, I guess I haven’t asked in a long time.”

  “Has he tried to contact you?” Her mother asked in a paranoid tone. Her eyes were wide open as she waited for Eva to give her answer.

  Yes. “No,” Eva mumbled.

  “Okay, good. He has no right.”

  “Has he ever? Tried to contact you after he left?” Eva persisted.

  “Oh, sweetie, it doesn’t matter anymore. He is not coming back now.”

  “I know. I didn’t say that I wanted him to. I only asked you if he had contacted you.”

  “Well, while you were away in college, he called for the first time in years.”

  “What?” Eva asked incredulously. She’d suspected her mother was hiding something, but she never actually believed it. “You talked to him, and you didn’t tell me? When?”

  “It was a few months back. You were about to graduate, and it didn’t make any sense for me to tell you. Our conversation was pointless, sweetie, and I didn’t want you to worry.”

  “What did he say? Did he tell you where he is? And why did he leave?” she blurted in an instant.

  “I don’t remember all of it, honey. I was very distraught when I heard his voice. I couldn’t believe it after all this time. He said he was sorry and that he thought of us all the time.”

  “Bullshit!” Eva interrupted. “He couldn’t have.”

  “I know. He didn’t say much more, just that he was sorry and that he wanted to talk to you. I got extremely angry when he mentioned you, and I kind of lost it… I told him I didn’t want to speak with him ever again and to stay away.”

  Eva couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mother’s mouth. It was as if she was still in that deep dream before the sun rays woke her up. “He wanted to talk to me? Why?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. But he has no right after being away for so long,” her mother lamented.

  Damn right he doesn’t. “I wish you would have told me,” she said, for a second thinking about confessing about the letter. She deserved to know, and maybe it would help having her there when she read it.

  “I’m sorry, sweetie,” she paused. “I… couldn’t bear the thought of having you go through this all over again, are you okay?” her facial expression looking disturbed. At that moment, seeing her mother’s concern, she thought it best to keep it a secret. She had no idea what was the content of that letter and how it could affect them both. Plus, she wasn’t even sure she would open the damn letter at all.

  “I’m okay,” Eva lied. “I’ve been doing fine without him all this time, and I surely don’t want to speak with him at this point.”

  “I don’t think you will have to after the way I spoke to him.”

  “Really? Are you okay, Mom?” Eva asked, knowing how difficult this was for her as well.

  “I’m fine now. But I had a few bad days after his unexpected call.” Her mother paused and stuttered, “Honey, if you ever want to talk with him… you can. I won’t stop you.”

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to help you deal with this. I wish I was. I never want to talk to that man in my life. For all I care, he is no longer my father.”

  Her mother then grabbed both of her hands, and as a tear dropped down her cheek, she said, “It’s your choice to make, not mine. I will support you, no matter what.”

  Eva gave her mother a kiss on the cheek, and without giving her an answer, she left upstairs without looking back. She was feeling defeated and confused. It felt like too much, and her whole universe was falling apart. What if the letter holds the answer to all of my questions? As simple as it looked to open it, however, maybe she wasn’t ready to know the answers yet.

  “Eva, are you in there?” her mother knocked on her bedroom door a few hours later. “Honey, I’m going to go out with Phil, but I will see you later, okay?”

  Eva had gone back to sleep after their conversation. Her mind was overwhelmed with so much new information, and the only way of avoiding reality was to turn herself off. But her mother’s knocking had woken her, “Okay, Bye!” she mumbled with
an effort to emit a sound.

  As soon as her mother left, she tried closing her eyes again, but the storm of thoughts came rushing back the moment her brain was conscious. Her plan had been to sleep through the whole afternoon, but now that she was awake, she had no choice but to figure out what to do. Suddenly, the thought of Leo’s smile crossed her mind. The sweet smell of his skin made her heart warm, and she didn’t want to let that feeling go. Heaven. Surely he had texted her by now; after all, it was Saturday afternoon.

  Disappointment spread when she realized there was nothing, no text from him or anybody. What is going on? Where is he? Leo is not the flaky type; he is literally perfect. Why hasn’t he texted me another one of his cute morning text?

  She started scrolling down their message thread to see if there was something she missed. She even restarted her phone just in case it was a signal problem. But when the phone turned on again, and the little text icon still showed no message, her heart sank. What the hell? In an act of surrender, she decided to write to him, “Hey, are you busy? Hope everything is okay.”

  She knew their relationship was only at its early stages, but their feelings for each other were much deeper than that. She was sure of it. The thought of being merely a distraction to any man ate her insides. She respected herself and expected men to do the same. Making love to Leo had not been a game for her at all. It had been an act of love and passion, which she had vividly adored. There was no chance he didn’t feel the same way. The way he persisted in going out with her and the way he looked at her, it wouldn’t make any sense, but the doubt was still there, as small as it was.

  Eva got up from her bed and started pacing around her room as she stared at the phone screen. Please answer. She bit her nails anxiously as she waited for him to text back, but nothing happened.

  The clock in her bedroom kept ticking, and every tormenting second that passed since Eva sent the text, seemed unbearable. She sat back down on her bed and pretended to read a magazine for a little while, but her phone remained silent. What the hell is happening? She was trying to be patient and give him a chance, thinking he was probably busy and couldn’t answer right away, but it wasn’t like him to take so long to respond. Is he okay? Where are you Leo?

  If she hadn’t received that stupid letter from her father, maybe she would be feeling calmer about it all. But her fear of opening the letter was eating her alive, and she wanted to tell him about what she was going through. Most of all, she wanted to make sure he was still in this, that he wasn’t going to disappear as he did before. She suddenly felt as small as a mustard seed—vulnerable and insecure. All of those feelings of abandonment suddenly felt so vivid and intense. I am all alone.

  CHAPTER 25

  “Who Are You really?”

  Knock, Knock, Knock.

  Somebody banged on the door Sunday afternoon. Eva was alone at home and answered quickly. “Daniel? What are you doing here?” she exclaimed, not looking too happy to see him. Although he looked very handsome, she did not have the mental or emotional capacity to let him in right now.

  “Can we talk?”

  No. Please leave. “Fine, let’s sit outside,” Eva agreed. She had to face him sooner or later.

  “How have you been? You look great!” Daniel gushed as they sat down on the bench by the front porch.

  “Thanks. I’ve been good, actually. Just working and enjoying being back home, how about you?”

  He smiled, almost as if he was trying too hard. “That’s nice, yeah me too. My dad pulled some strings, and I got an IT job in a company nearby. It’s great. I still can’t believe it. What have you been up to?”

  “Wow, congrats. That’s great news,” she said with a forced grimace. “What's going on, Daniel?” she asked.

  “I miss you, Eva. I want to talk about us. I thought we were getting along in college. I mean… it wasn’t too long ago that we—. You are almost acting as if it didn’t happen.”

  “It’s not a good time to talk. I can’t do this right now. I’m sorry.”

  “Eva! Please. At least let me say what I’ve come to tell you,” Daniel blurted.

  “It doesn’t matter. We weren’t together…You know that. We just had sex on a drunken college night, and that was it.” There it was, her huge and biggest regret.

  “Why? Can you honestly tell me you have no feelings for me? If you tell me that, I promise I will leave you alone.” He begged, which surprised her.

  Why is he doing this now? He had so much time to tell her. They had become friendly after their drunken encounter, and she really believed he had changed. But it was too late. “I’ve met someone, okay?” Eva said in a low tone, which made it almost difficult to hear.

  “What? You couldn’t have. Why are you doing this?”

  “Me? You are the one who broke my heart all those years ago, remember? On this same porch, if I recall. You can expect us to go back to the way things were.”

  “Why not? Eva, I’ve waited for you to heal and to forgive me all this time. I haven’t wanted to push you because I know I’m the one who screwed up. But things are different now. I’ve changed, and I would never hurt you.” He paused and took a deep breath. “I was a stupid boy, doing what everyone else did—including my father… I’m so sorry. I didn’t even want to do it. I even stopped seeing anyone after we broke up. You were everything to me, Eva. You still are. If you are doing this to hurt me, please know that I love you. I never stopped loving you, I swear,” Daniel blurted.

  Wait, what? So I guess that solves the mystery of his parents' divorce. His dad cheated. Or maybe he just went crazy after the divorce. Whatever the truth was, it still wasn’t any of her business.

  Did he just say he loved me? She was shaken and was, in fact, speechless for a few seconds. As inexpressive as Daniel was, it was hard for her to stay centered and strong the moment he proclaimed those three words.

  The drunken night they spent together suddenly flashed before her eyes. She couldn’t remember all of it, only glimpses here and there. Glimpses she had been purposely avoiding. Go away. Please go away. “How can you tell me that, after what you did? You were happy to take advantage of me.”

  He seemed offended as he brought his hands to his head. “That is not true! How can you say that? I’ve always wanted to be with you and not just physically.”

  “Why, Daniel? Why tell me this now? You’ve had like four years to tell me how you felt,” she screamed in frustration.

  “I was scared. I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. I swear,” Daniel pleaded.

  “It’s too late,” Eva mumbled as she looked down at her fingernails. “I have actually met someone, and I really like him. Everything is so complicated right now.”

  “Come on, Eva, I love you! Are you listening to me?”

  Stop. Please. She started crying hopelessly. She felt bad for him and couldn’t stop wondering if maybe, just maybe, he was a victim of his own behavior. Perhaps he had grown up with a bad example, and he didn’t even realize that it was wrong at the time.

  It doesn’t even matter anymore. I can’t have a future with him. “I’m sorry, Daniel, I don’t know what to say. I just can’t.”

  Suddenly, the glimpses started getting clearer as she made an effort to recall that night. The image of him loving her was now the only thought on her mind. The way his hands touched her body and her eyes loved her soul was definitely not a one night stand kind of encounter. He loves me, he really does… but it’s too late.

  “I can make you happy, and we can have an amazing life together. Don’t you think it’s meant to be that we both ended up going to the same school and that we are back here together now? I got a good job now, and I could take care of you,” he said as he held her hand, which, surprisingly, she didn’t refuse.

  “Stop. Please, just stop—”

  He looked at her mortified, and asked, “Have you really moved on?�
��

  “I can’t do this, Daniel. I can’t have this conversation right now. I gotta go.”

  “Eva!” Daniel raised his voice. She couldn’t bear to tell him about Leo—she couldn’t hurt him—no matter what he did to her, she couldn’t do it. She turned around as if to look at him for the last time when he suddenly darted up to her— grabbed her face, and before she knew it, he was kissing her.

  CHAPTER 26

  Doubts

  What the hell am I doing? The moment Daniel’s lips connected with hers, she couldn’t pull away. The familiarity of his scent and the way he kissed her literally brought her back to her teenage years. She had been so in love with him back then, and at that moment, she solely wanted to get lost and forget all of the worries. He made her feel wanted and alive, but she wasn’t sure if it was love, and in all honesty, she never asked herself that question before because she knew it wasn’t an option to get back together with him.

  Back then, there was no doubt in her mind that he only wanted to take advantage of the situation. Can somebody really change that much in a few years? Is it possible that he is telling me the truth?

  She had been astonished to hear him say he loved her since she never once considered that he could. Suddenly the image of Leo was all she could think of before she placed her hand on his chest and pulled him away slowly. “I can’t, Daniel. I can’t do this! I gotta go.”

  “Eva!” Daniel called out once more. But in a matter of seconds, Eva made her way back inside the house and shut the door without looking back. What have I done? She asked herself, mortified as she sat on the couch. It didn’t matter if he kissed her. She had returned the kiss in a moment of weakness, and there was no excuse.

  What is Leo going to think? He deserved better than this. How am I going to look at him in the eyes after this?

  She had promised to wait for him, and she hadn’t. At the first bump in the road, she had sought refuge in the arms of another. And not just any other, but her ex, who she had sworn to have nothing going on with. Maybe she wasn’t worthy of him or worthy of having something that good.