Exposed: A Jaded Regret Novel

by L. L. Collins

  I cradled my head in my hands, rocking back and forth on the hard tile as tears leaked between my fingers. I heard my phone ringing on top of the counter, but I knew I couldn’t answer it. It would be my brother, asking me when I would arrive at their house. Nothing satisfied me more than playing with Robbie and Olivia. Except maybe seeing Beau as their dad.

  “No,” I cried. “What am I going to do? I can’t…” I couldn’t even let the words come out of my mouth. I knew what the risks were when I started this. I knew there was a chance someday it would all come to a head. But it couldn’t be now.

  Hearing from her years ago was shocking enough. It was something I still couldn’t recover from. Thank God I never came face to face with her. Oh, no. She wanted nothing to do with us. She just wanted to capitalize on our success.

  Well, their success.

  My phone rang on the counter again, but I shut my eyes and the sound muted and then went away completely. I curled into a ball on my floor. It hurt to lay here; the hard tile made my bones ache, but I couldn’t force myself to move.

  I didn’t know how long I lay there before I got onto my hands and knees and crawled to my room. The second my body fell into my bed, the tears started up again.

  This was the only time I would allow myself to cry about this. I had to be strong.

  I would figure this out.

  I would protect Beau.

  I would stop at nothing to make sure he never had to deal with one second of this.

  No matter what it took.

  A knock on my door startled me awake. I rolled over, and my head instantly began pounding.

  The knock came again, louder this time, so I swung my legs over the side of the bed and slipped on my robe. At some point, I’d shed my clothes and was only in my bra and underwear. I must’ve passed out from sheer exhaustion.

  I padded to the front door and looked out the peephole. It was Beau. I should’ve known. I never called him last night to tell him I wasn’t coming over, and I didn’t answer any of his calls.

  He was alone, thank goodness. I couldn’t deal with April and the kids right now, as much as I loved them. It would be hard enough to stand in front of Beau and not lose my mind.

  I swung the door open, and his gaze immediately narrowed on my face. “Nat. What the hell?” He stepped in and shut the door behind us.

  “You have a key. Why didn’t you just let yourself in?”

  Beau frowned. “Because you deserve some form of privacy, Nat. What if you had a visitor?”

  I wanted to laugh, but it wouldn’t come out. A visitor. What he meant was—a man. That hadn’t happened in a long time. Not that I would tell my brother that, but still.

  The email from yesterday floated between us like a hidden snake, ready to strike us full of its venom.

  “What’s wrong? You look like shit.”

  I smoothed my hair back and tied it with the elastic on my wrist. “You just woke me up, Beau. Geez. Give a girl a complex, why don’t you.”

  “Sorry, but it is almost noon. You never sleep this late.” He was right. I was an early bird, always up by seven. “This isn’t like you at all. Plus, I’ve called you no less than a hundred times. What happened to you? I wanted to come over here last night and check on you, but April talked me out of it. So talk to me. What’s wrong?”

  There was a time when having this much conversation with my brother would’ve been virtually impossible. He was so locked up inside his head he had a hard time relating to anyone.

  April saved his life. She brought him out of his issues and made him see he was worth it.

  She did what I never could. Though she would say I was instrumental in his change, I didn’t think so.

  “Sorry, Beau. I didn’t mean to make you worry. I felt horrible when I got home last night, and I passed out I guess. I’ll make it up to the kids.”

  He waved his hand. “The kids are fine. Are you okay?” He stepped forward and pressed his palm to my forehead like—no, I couldn’t think about that. The thought of what she used to do made my stomach roll and twist. I turned and ran for the bathroom, barely making it before I threw up.

  “Natalie? Should I call the doctor?” Beau’s worried voice came from behind me, and I hoped to God he wasn’t watching this horrible scene. One of the major bonuses to the fame Jaded Regret had now was always having anything you needed at a moment’s notice. Like a doctor. But that wouldn’t fix what ailed me.

  I stood, my legs shaking as I forced them to move. I barely made it to the sink. I leaned over on the counter as my legs gave way. I was so weak.

  I saw Beau’s reflection in the mirror, and I wanted to turn and throw myself into his arms. I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to ask him for help, to get me out of this mess I got myself into.

  But I couldn’t.

  Because he’d never understand why I’d done it.

  Why I would continue to do it.

  “Oh, Nat.” He lifted me, and I sagged against him. It felt so good to feel his strong arms enveloping my fragile body. “You’re not okay. Come on. Let me get you into bed.” He lay me gently in my soft bed, pulling the down comforter over me. “I’m going to get you some crackers and Ginger Ale. I’ll be right back. Don’t move.”

  The second he walked out, I crumpled, burying my face in the pillow again.

  I’m sorry, Beau. All I ever wanted to do was protect you from all of this.

  The next thing I knew, I felt cool water on my face. I blinked, wondering where it was coming from. Beau sat on the edge of my bed with a washcloth.

  “Hey,” he said. “Are you sure I can’t call the doctor?”

  A doctor can’t help me. “No. I just need to rest,” I lied.

  Beau leaned over and kissed my forehead. “I’m going to stay here, so you sleep. I’ll be in the family room if you need me.”

  I shook my head. “No. I’m fine. You can go. I’m sure you have other stuff you need to do.”

  “Natalie.” Beau’s tone told me he wasn’t buying my story. “I’m staying here until you feel better. You shouldn’t be alone. Whatever I have to do isn’t more important than you. Okay?”

  I closed my eyes and nodded, not having the strength to fight him anymore.

  I stood on the scale three days after receiving the email that made me physically sick, not able to eat and barely able to function. Beau told the band I was sick, and I begged off talking to Kai. But today, I had stuff to do. A smile of satisfaction crossed my face as I saw the number. I lost five pounds. Awesome. Ten more and I would be happy.

  For now.

  My stomach growled, but I ignored it. I had a lot to do today, and if I planned to meet my goal, I had to watch what I ate.

  I had four days to figure out how to get the money and get her out of my life. For good.

  It wasn’t the money as much as it was the questions about why, and the fact I didn’t think it would make her go away.

  I wished I could confide in someone, but that wasn’t a possibility. No one knew, and no one could.

  I had to take care of this myself.

  I slipped my jean capris on, satisfied with myself when they hung on my hips. I looked at myself in the mirror and turned from side to side, checking out my stomach, chest, and arms. I pinched some fat on my lower stomach and scowled. I hadn’t worked out in days, so I knew I was pudgier than normal.

  “More time doing abs, fewer carbs,” I said to myself. I pulled my shirt over my head and combed my hair into a smooth ponytail at my nape. My eyes were wide and bright, my best feature. That and my lips. The one part of my body I was okay with being full and plump. I put on my favorite pink lip gloss and popped them, the sound resonating around the small bathroom. I investigated my face for any stray wrinkles or zits.

  I paid good money for my skin care to keep me looking youthful, but I knew I wasn’t getting younger.

  Kai’s question resounded in my head. Nobody wanted to be single…not really. I just didn’t have a clue how to
fit someone into my crazy life or my crazier head. I liked the thought of sharing my life with someone. I watched Johnny and Bex, Beau and April, and now Tanner and Mac and knew it was what I missed in my life.

  Opening myself up to someone was a whole different ball game. I was closed off, and I knew it. Even trying to get to know Kai, it was painfully obvious I was way out of my league. Every time he tried to push past my boundaries, I constructed another wall.

  My phone rang, and April’s name popped up on the screen. I smiled and accepted, hitting the speakerphone so I could finish getting ready. “Hey, April.”

  “Nat! So great to hear your voice. You sound better. Are you okay?”

  I always land on my feet. I can’t let anything get me down. I just have to take care of it like I always have. For you and your family.

  “Yes, I’m much better, thank you. I’ve missed you guys!”

  “Well, that’s why I’m calling! Beau said you were feeling better, and the band’s practicing this afternoon. I know you probably have a lot of work to catch up on, but Mac and I were going to lay by the pool and relax this afternoon, and we would love if you could come.”

  My gaze snapped to my reflection in the mirror and dread spread through my veins. I loathed bathing suits almost as much as I hated pictures of myself.

  Especially next to beautiful April and drop-dead gorgeous—even sporting a baby bump—Mackenzie.

  I avoided being in a bathing suit at all costs, even though we lived in one of the most beautiful places in Florida. I loved the beach and lived with it in my backyard, but I made sure I spent as little time as possible parading around in nothing more than the equivalent of underwear.

  “Nat?”

  I realized I didn’t answer her. “Sorry, April.” I could say I had too much work to do, but the truth was, Kai and I did a lot last week and other than checking my emails—which I could do from my phone—I didn’t have anything that pressing to do. And I wanted to be with them. When I was with them, I could almost forget everything else.

  I wanted to forget.

  “I’ll be there! Let me go and check in at the office and make sure there aren’t any major fires I need to put out, and then I’ll come over. Do you want me to bring anything?”

  “Nope. I’m making lunch, and Mac is making cocktails—virgin too, of course. Robbie has a friend over from the neighborhood, and Olivia is napping but will come out with us once she’s up.”

  I smiled at Robbie having a friend over. Though he was an entirely different kid than the one we met at the group home what seemed like forever ago, it hadn’t been a bump-free road. Touring with Jaded Regret and being homeschooled added to the transition, especially now that they were home for a good amount of time. He took it in stride and was a great kid. He loved his parents and his sister.

  “Okay, let me run then. I’ll text you once I’m on my way.”

  I disconnected and caught my reflection once more before I exited the bathroom. “You can do this, Nat.” I didn’t have time to try on every bathing suit I owned to see which one made me look less fat today, so I grabbed the first two piece tankini—it was the most covered I could get—I saw in my drawer and shoved it into a bag with a cover up.

  “You can do this,” I said to myself. “Let’s go kick this day’s ass and take names.”

  “I’ve missed you.” Kai’s deep voice made my heart rate accelerate. “Are you feeling better?”

  “I’ve missed you, too,” I admitted. It was true. I was so used to talking to him multiple times a day now, but I knew I wasn’t in any shape to talk to him before. “I’m much better now, thank you. I’m just checking things out at the office before I head over to April’s to hang with the girls by the pool.”

  “Good for you, Natalie. You work too hard, anyway. Wish I was there with you to soak in some rays today. The walls of my office are suffocating me.” We both sat quietly for a moment, contemplating what it would be like if he were in fact here. “Anyway, I won’t keep you too long. I called because we’re going to have to switch Italy and France,” Kai explained. “There’s a scheduling conflict with one of the arenas.”

  I chewed on my lip, tapping my finger on the mouse of my computer as I studied the schedule he sent me. The band laughed through the thin wall. They were discussing new lyrics to some songs Bex and Beau worked on, and they wanted on their tour. Every once in a while, I would hear one of them play a few chords before they stopped to discuss. I loved this part of being on their journey. New music was such a thrilling experience. Bex and Beau were kickass songwriters and, after years of writing together, had a dynamic that was hard to recreate. Thankfully, No Limits Recordings wasn’t the type of label to stuff songwriters down their artists’ throats, especially one like Jaded Regret. They knew they were successful because they wrote their own material, so they went with it.

  The kickoff of the international tour would be a concert in New York City. It was the only U.S. stop, and the only one already announced. Kai said the tickets sold at a premium and sold out in less than five minutes. The buzz was electric waiting on the international dates, and Kai hoped to have it all ironed out and ready to start selling by the time I went to New York.

  They would debut new music at each concert and then release an album after the tour. That meant renting recording studio space while we were overseas as well. This would be a jam packed year for us, especially with the arrival of the Hart twins.

  “Doesn’t matter to me. Is that a big deal?”

  “No, we’ll just adjust the recording schedule, too. Thankfully, they’ll have a bit of downtime at each place, so it shouldn’t be too stressful. I’ll be there to adjust as we need to, also.”

  I didn’t know why he was coming. Or why it bothered me.

  “Y-you’re coming?” I realized it probably sounded rude, but I wasn’t known for mincing words.

  “I didn’t tell you that? Barney wants me to accompany the group. It’s rather unorthodox, but I didn’t argue. Travel the world with the hottest rock band? No problem.”

  Barney was the CEO of No Limits Recordings and one of the nicest guys I ever met. If you liked the grandfatherly type, that was.

  “Wow.” I stood, pacing the two steps it took to get to the wall before I turned around and did the whole thing again. My stomach churned, and my palms were sweaty.

  “I know.” I could hear him talking to someone in his office, but it was muffled like he covered the mouthpiece. It was probably Khara, his assistant. I wondered what she looked like and if she had a crush on Kai. I knew he was the youngest executive the company had, so if she was a normal, red-blooded woman, she probably did. She probably wore tight skirts and low-cut blouses to try to get his attention.

  I wondered why I cared. I didn’t. I shook my head, forcing those ridiculous thoughts out of my head. What Kai did in his personal time had nothing to do with me. I was getting myself way ahead of the game here.

  “Do you need to go?” I almost hoped he did. Talking to him made me act even crazier than I already was.

  “No.” His voice came back on the line. “Sorry. That was just Khara. I have a lunch meeting in a few. Even though they say lunch, not much eating happens. I’m not sure I’ve had a full meal in weeks.”

  Right on time, my stomach growled. I knew a thing or two about not having a full meal. “You make sure you take care of yourself.”

  “Is someone worrying about me?” I loved the little edge in Kai’s voice when he teased me.

  “Well, a man has to keep up his strength.” The second the words were out of my mouth, I gasped. It sounded…suggestive. My face flamed, despite the fact I couldn’t see him, and he couldn’t see me. I covered my eyes with my hand, embarrassment coursing through my veins, making my blood pulse in my temples. “I mean…”

  Kai laughed for so long I had no choice but to join in with him.

  “What’s so funny?” I asked, almost afraid of the answer.

  “I like when you get feisty.” H
is low voice sent vibrations throughout my body, zapping me like electric currents. “Hey, Natalie? Before I run to my meeting, I haven’t forgotten.”

  “Forgotten?” I put my cool hand against my warm cheek, still flushed from embarrassment.

  “The time is ticking until you come up here. I’m going to see you in person. We’re going to spend several days together. So whether or not you send me a picture, I’m going to see you. Very soon.”

  Damn, an entire flight of butterflies hatched in my lower stomach and began their initial ascent up my body. I had no business going to New York.

  “When you get here, I’m taking you everywhere I love to eat, because, despite this job, I do love food.”

  It dawned on me, Kai might not be anything I expected.

  Then again, he could be.

  I wasn’t sure which one I was more scared about.

  When I didn’t respond, he sighed. “I’ll tell you what. I went and got my pictures done the other day. I’ll text you one later, and you can tell me what you think. Will that make you more comfortable?”

  Yes. No. Probably not.

  “Talk to you later.” I deflected, and we both knew it.

  I couldn’t wait to see if he followed through, though. The thought of seeing the man that had become so important to me after only such a short time excited me more than I wanted to admit.

  I nursed a glass of lemonade as I watched April splash with Olivia in the pool. Robbie and his friend swam at the other end, careful not to splash his baby sister. Mac lay next to me in her lounge chair, snacking on pretzels and sipping lemonade.

  So far, it was the perfect afternoon. The hot Florida sun beat down on us on the deck of April and Beau’s beautiful home.

  So proud of you, Beau. Look how far you’ve come. You aren’t that scared little boy anymore. You have everything.

  April walked up carrying a dripping wet Olivia, showing off her toothless grin.

  “What time does Dad come home?” Robbie appeared next to April, dripping water off every part of his body. His friend Camden ran up next to him, looking over shyly at Mac and me.