Exposed: A Jaded Regret Novel

by L. L. Collins

  “That sounds nice! I’m glad you got a break from working for a little while. Are you feeling better, too?”

  I was so glad he gave me an out for a few minutes. I knew he’d still broach the subject, but I had time to process what to say.

  “Yes, I’m better,” I lied. There was never any way to make me better.

  “I can’t wait to see you.” Kai’s voice turned deeper, quieter like he held his mouth against the phone. I closed my eyes. I didn’t think I could do this. I contemplated telling him, right here and now, that I couldn’t come up there. Whatever we needed to do, we would do over the phone and computer like we already were doing.

  You know that’s not the only reason he wants you there. You’ve known it all along.

  The problem was, I did. I did know that. I never had to meet with Allan by myself in all the years we were with him. But now that I saw Kai, I wasn’t sure if I could do this with him.

  “D-do you have all the meetings set up? Do you have our schedule yet?”

  Kai chuckled. “Not yet. I’ll have it all ready by the time you get here. Don’t worry. We’ll get a lot accomplished.” He cleared his throat. “Natalie, don’t hurt my feelings. What did you think of my photo? I have to put that on a website for the whole world to see, so you have to be honest. I can’t text it to Sebby or any of the guys because all they’ll do is bust my balls.”

  Honest. I had to be honest. The words I wanted to use were nowhere near the ones I had to say. “It’s a great picture, Kai. You’re very handsome. I’m sure you have the ladies lined up around the block.”

  He was quiet for just long enough for me to check my phone to see if we’d gotten disconnected. “Thanks, Natalie. I have a few more, but that’s the one they want to use on the site. I wasn’t too sure of it, so I thought I’d ask you. Plus, now you’ll know what I look like.” I waited; I knew it was coming. “And, for the record, I don’t have ladies lined up around the corner, nor do I want them to be.”

  Dread crept into my gut, curling around my insides and settling like rocks. He didn’t have ladies coming after him. Surely there was a reason. If he didn’t want any… Understanding rained down on me.

  He’s gay. This is why he likes being friends with me. He doesn’t see me like that; he sees me like everyone else sees me.

  Relief spread through my veins, making my limbs tingle and a laugh bubble up in my throat. Though I swore he told me before about having girlfriends in high school and college, maybe he hadn’t figured it out until later.

  Maybe he didn’t think I’d want to be his friend if he told me. Or he was going to tell me when I went to New York.

  Before I could stop it, the laugh burst out of my mouth. I was so ridiculous. Here I was, freaking out for no reason.

  As if he would want you, anyway.

  “What’s so funny, Natalie?”

  I cleared my throat, forcing the next bubble of laughter back down where it came from. “Nothing. Sorry. Just thinking about something Mac said earlier.”

  “Yeah? Is that so? Did you show her my picture?”

  I swallowed. I debated admitting my friends swooned over his picture and thought he was the hottest thing since sliced bread.

  “I was over there with them when it came through, so, yes, they saw it. Mac was glad to finally see you actually exist, and you weren’t some crazy stalker guy.”

  Kai laughed, and I imagined him throwing his head back and closing his eyes. An image of him doubled over holding his stomach floated through my mind. Every vision a picture of perfection.

  I realized I wanted to know what he looked like when he did that and many other things.

  I also realized I was barking up the wrong tree. Of course. That just figured, didn’t it.

  “They both agreed it was a fantastic picture of you. Mac instantly started plotting how to fix us up. She’s always trying to pair me with someone.”

  I felt safe saying this now; I would’ve never before. But Kai all but admitted he had no desire for women, so I was safe. We could get a good laugh out of it when he finally admitted it to me. The relief I felt now about going to New York was palpable. He wanted me there for business, and to be his friend. That was all.

  “Is that right?” His voice was something out of a movie—deep, rich, and reverberated right to your soul.

  “Yes.” I laughed. “She thinks I’m missing out on something by not having a boyfriend or husband. I think it’s her goal in life to marry me off.”

  Chapter Five

  Kai

  The sound of her laughter made a smile break out on my face. She liked my picture. She thought I was handsome. She talked to her friends about it. I knew she was uncomfortable talking to me about it. I didn’t understand if it was me, the picture, or something else entirely. She admitted her friends wanted to set her up with me. That excited me more than I cared to admit. What she didn’t admit was what she thought, if she was interested in me that way. It dawned on me she could’ve said I was handsome to be nice.

  I felt like a teenage boy crushing on the popular girl, not a man in his early thirties. From the outside, I sure looked like I had it all. And I did. Except someone to share it with. Until recently, I was okay with that. But being the last sibling and the last friend to find that special person was wearing on me. That and “meeting” Natalie Anderson changed things for me. Hearing her voice on a daily basis made everything else seem gray in a rainbow-colored world.

  I wanted her to send me a picture, and now. But I didn’t want to drive her away. She knew what I looked like. If I wasn’t her type, our relationship would stay as it was.

  I knew she was my type without even seeing her, because what she looked like didn’t matter. Sure, being attracted to someone was important, but I wasn’t worried about that. I had the feeling I wouldn’t be disappointed. I loved talking to her and trying my hardest to break through that hard exterior shell. I couldn’t wait for her to get up here so we could meet.

  I found it strange that she not only told me her friends wanted to fix us up, but that they wanted to marry her off. She never got that personal about her dating life before. That was good. Progress. Maybe I tore down a wall or two by giving her a visual of myself.

  “What are you doing this weekend?” I sipped the now warm beer I was still nursing. It was Friday night, and I had no plans. I didn’t want any. It was an exhausting week, and talking to Natalie was enough for me.

  “No real plans. The band is taking the weekend off, so we may have a barbecue at Beau’s or Johnny’s. That’s usually what ends up happening. Even when we have time off, we end up together.”

  “That sounds fun. I’m going to my parents’ house tomorrow afternoon. They’re having a barbecue, too. My siblings will all be there.”

  “What are their names again?” I thought she might be deflecting to keep me talking about other things, but I’d take it.

  “Malia is the oldest. She’s married to Jacoby and has two kids. She’s a kickass lawyer in Manhattan. Lana is next, and she just got married last year to her husband, Tony, and is expecting her first baby, a little girl. She’s a teacher. Kale is my only brother. He’s an FBI agent and rather badass, in my opinion. Just don’t tell him I said that; his head is big enough already. He and his wife, Lilly, have three kids. Then there’s me.”

  Natalie laughed again. “Wow. So the pressure’s on you, too.”

  “Yes. Lana having a baby buys me some time, but there’s never a time that I get together with my family that one of them doesn’t bring it up.” I sighed. “They’re happy about my new job, and that’ll keep them off my back, but not for too long.” I loved my family. All of us still lived in the New York area, which was unheard of. We were as close as any people could be, but I wished I could show up there tomorrow with someone on my arm.

  And not just anyone. Someone who meant something special to me. It had been too long since I felt strong enough about someone to take them to meet my family.

  “I
took a picture.” Natalie spoke so softly I almost didn’t register what she said. But the way my heart rate instantly accelerated, my brain registered the words before I comprehended them.

  “You did?” I still didn’t know why, but I knew this was big for her. Huge. We were about to take an important step in our friendship. Or whatever this was. “That’s good; now I know who I’m going to pick up at the airport.” I purposely made my voice light and chuckled to keep the tone less serious.

  “I hate selfies even more than I hate pictures,” she admitted.

  “Why do you hate pictures, Natalie?”

  “Always have,” she said immediately. “When I was a kid I took the photos, never wanting to be in them. As I got older, it just got worse.”

  “So you were never that teenager who had pictures of you with friends plastered all over your room?”

  She was silent for a beat too long. “I didn’t have many friends or my own room.”

  Shit. Kai Pierson, you are a moron. You know she and Beau were in foster care, where they met Bex. That was the most insensitive thing I’d ever said to her, and I didn’t know how to retract it.

  “Natalie, I—”

  “Don’t.” Her sharp word interrupted me. “It’s okay. You didn’t mean anything by it.”

  “Someday will you tell me about it?”

  “About what?”

  “Your childhood.” I wanted to know everything there was to know about Natalie Anderson. I knew her story was sad. Their dad killed himself when Beau was just five and Natalie, seven. I knew something horrible happened years after that, and they ended up wards of the state. I also knew Natalie was extremely protective of Beau, and he went through a lot in his life. But that’s where my knowledge of her past stopped.

  She sighed. “I don’t like to talk about it. It’s over, and we somehow survived.”

  I didn’t understand because I had a wonderful childhood. My parents were married for over forty-five years, and while my siblings tortured me, we loved each other. But I ached for her, and I wished I could do something to alleviate the permanent hole she must’ve had in her soul from such a painful past.

  “I get that. If you ever want to talk about it, though, I’m a good listener.”

  “I know you are, Kai. I’m going to send you a picture in just a second. But I need you to promise me something.”

  I would promise her anything. “Name it.”

  “Please don’t show anyone.”

  I frowned. I didn’t understand why she didn’t want anyone to see her. “I promise, Natalie. It’ll be for my eyes only.”

  She blew out a breath. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

  “Well, I am going to meet you in just a few weeks. So a picture is nothing in comparison, you know.”

  “I know.” She laughed. “It sounds so ridiculous, doesn’t it? I know I’m being a stupid girl about all of this. You are going to see me soon.”

  Send it. Please. You’re killing me.

  “Okay, I’m sending. It may take a second. God, I feel like I’m going to throw up now.”

  I closed my eyes, waiting for the vibration that the text came through. I imagined what I was about to see, but I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I knew she had blond hair, that she was petite and very slender. My mind raced a million miles an hour wondering about the minute details of her features. Up until now I’d only imagined them, and now I would see if what I envisioned was even close.

  God, I was a dying man. Slowest connection ever.

  “Get it yet?” I could hear a slight tremor in her voice, and I knew she felt the same about this entire thing, but for a totally different reason.

  “No.” I knew I should be engaging her in small talk while we waited, but my brain was frozen. I could think of nothing else but what I was about to see, and I wondered if I would be able to talk to her after I saw the image. “Hey, let me hang up. Maybe it’s having a hard time coming through while I’m on the phone. Then I’ll call you right back.”

  Natalie didn’t say anything for a few beats. “O-okay. You promise you’ll call me back, though, right?”

  She couldn’t possibly think I’d hate what I saw. This woman had zero self-esteem, and I decided I needed to find out exactly why and make her see herself in a better light. Whether she never wanted to be more than friends with me or not, I made it a goal to help her change what she saw when she looked at herself.

  “Yes, I promise.” We said quick goodbyes and I ended the call and tapped my fingers on the screen. Come on. Don’t fail me now.

  After what seemed like hours, but was probably only a few minutes, my screen lit up with a text message from Natalie. A picture was attached. My fingers shook as I entered my password and waited impatiently for the picture to come up.

  My eyes didn’t know where to look first as the image filled the screen. The first thing I noticed was her skin—it was a flawless, beautiful masterpiece. She looked like a porcelain doll, and I wondered if she was as fragile inside as she looked outside. My eyes fell to her full pink lips, and I groaned at the way they turned up slightly in a small smile. She looked uneasy and nervous and…the most gorgeous woman I ever laid eyes on. Her wide eyes were a beautiful green, framed by long eyelashes and sculpted eyebrows just a shade darker than her light hair. If she wore makeup, it wasn’t much—she was natural and not overdone and…flawless. That was the only word I continued to repeat mentally as my eyes drank in her features over, over, and over again. Her long hair framed her face, parted more to one side than the other. She wore small diamond studs in her ears and a matching necklace on her slender neck. Her creamy skin continued down where I saw just a hint of cleavage before the picture ended.

  Dear God. Natalie Anderson was a knockout. She was a classic beauty, one of those people you stopped to admire because they’re so striking you couldn’t take your eyes off them.

  My lungs heaved like I just ran ten miles on the treadmill, and I clutched my chest and tried to get ahold of myself. I knew I was right. A woman with a beautiful soul had to be just as gorgeous on the outside.

  God didn’t make any mistakes; that was for darn sure.

  I had to tear my eyes from this picture and call her back. I couldn’t wait the few weeks I had left until I saw her in person. I might die before then.

  A text appeared under her picture, and I forced myself to look at what she said.

  Did you get it? Are you going to call me?

  I debated on what to tell her and whether or not to be honest about what I thought. Somehow, I believed Natalie might not appreciate my total honesty at this moment. She had a hard time with this entire thing, so I had to treat it with kid gloves.

  Instead of responding over text, I clicked her name and called her. She answered before it even rang.

  “Hi.” Her voice was so soft and far away; I wished I could’ve reached through the phone and held her to reassure her.

  “Natalie.” My throat was thick with so many emotions and words I didn’t know how to say without terrifying her. “You’re so beautiful.”

  I heard a small noise come from her, but I wasn’t sure if it was a cry, a laugh, or a gasp.

  “Thank you for sending it.” I’ll stare at it every second until I see you. “I know that was hard for you.” I thought maybe if I kept talking she may believe me.

  “You’re welcome.” She still sounded far off and…sad.

  I looked at the photo again and imagined her next to me, in this apartment, and I couldn’t wait. I wanted to see if what I thought was going to happen was right.

  “Hey.” I wasn’t sure if what I was about to do would help anything or not, but I had to try. I knew she wouldn’t believe my words because I knew trusting people was hard for her.

  “Yeah?”

  I knew Natalie loved all types of music, despite her rock background, and I was the same. We often talked about our favorite bands or songs, but this would be different.

  “When we hang up, go lis
ten to a song for me. It’s what I think you need to remember when you look at yourself.” When she stayed quiet, I continued. “You like Bruno Mars?”

  “Of course.”

  “Listen to ‘Just the Way You Are,’ Natalie. And know it’s true. Every word of it.”

  She gasped, and it made me smile. She knew the song.

  “I mean it, Natalie. Listen to it, but most of all, you need to believe it.”

  I knew I would start a playlist for her and show her exactly what I thought with a song. Maybe that would resonate with her better than my words.

  “Uncle Kai!” My five-year-old nephew, Landon, bounded up to me and wrapped his arms around my legs. I lifted him and turned him upside down, making him giggle. His three-year-old sister, Malley, ran up, wanting her turn.

  The family turned at the commotion, and everyone echoed their hellos. As usual, I arrived last.

  “Hey, little brother.” Malia stood and hugged me, followed by Lana. Her round belly made it difficult for us to hug closely and we laughed.

  “‘Bout time you got here,” Kale said. He grabbed me, and we hugged brother-style. “We were going to eat all the food.”

  “Don’t listen to him.” My mom swatted Kale. “Your dad’s still cooking. How are you? You look more rested than the last time I saw you.”

  When I took Mom to lunch, she went on and on about how tired I looked and I needed to rest more. If only she knew I hadn’t slept much at all, but I felt like I had all the energy in the world.

  After Natalie had sent me the picture last night, we talked for a little longer before we called it a night and I reminded her to listen to the song. But I hadn’t called it a night at all. I stared at her picture and listened to that song on repeat until I fell asleep and the phone hit me in the nose. That still hurt.

  I dreamt about her all night long. We did have some work to do when she came up, but I planned to make time to do some touristy things around the city. I wanted to spend time with her and find out if friends were all we were meant to be.