Kids on the Doorstep

by Kimberly Van Meter

  “What’s to be upset about? We’re two consenting adults. We didn’t do anything wrong. Everyone needs release every now and again.” She watched him from beneath her lashes, holding her breath against the reaction she knew her words would cause.

  “Release. I see,” he said, moving away from her. “That’s all it was to you?”

  “Wasn’t it for you?”

  “Yeah. Sure.” His answer was flippant but his sharp movements as he jerked his boxers back on told a different story. She winced inwardly because deep down she knew she was hurting him even if he was too prideful to let it show. But, really, who were they kidding? It wasn’t as if she was going to move in and be his little country wife and he was going to adopt three kids that weren’t even his. In what kind of world does that happen? She lived in the real world even when it sucked.

  She made quick work of finding her clothes and putting them back on, all the while avoiding any eye contact with John. She didn’t want to see the pain that would be there. Didn’t want to acknowledge the odd ache in her own chest that rightly shouldn’t be there. Get real, Renee! You don’t fall in love with a man after only two months of knowing him. She paused at the door and met his gaze briefly. “Let’s keep this between us, okay? I don’t want the girls to know,” she said, not expecting the cold look he sent her way.

  “I’ve already forgotten about it,” he answered and her knees threatened to buckle from the wave of hurt that followed but she’d be damned before she let him see it.

  She stiffened. “Great. So have I.”

  Taking care not to slam the door behind her when in fact she wanted to bring the house down with the force of her pain, she gritted her teeth against the cold and made the short, slippery walk back to her little cottage. Each step affirming her decision that playing house with John Murphy had been the stupidest idea on the planet.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  RENEE STARED MOROSELY at the expensive off-white Berber carpet covering the expanse of her therapist’s office and wished she had control over the passage of time. If she did she’d zip past her mandatory meetings with Dr. Perfectly Put-Together and move straight to the part where she received the all clear to get the hell out of this place.

  “Tell me what’s bothering you today,” Dr. Phillips suggested, her unwavering gaze soft and knowing at the same time, and Renee shifted in her chair. “The last few sessions have gone so well, yet today it seems…you’ve had a setback. What happened?”

  I think I fell in love with a man who’s totally inappropriate for my life. As usual. Obviously, this therapy stuff wasn’t working. She speared the doc with an annoyed glare. “Can’t we just skip to the part where you tell social services that everything is fine and I deserve to get my girls back?”

  Dr. Phillips smiled her answer, which clearly said Renee was asking for the moon, and merely waited for Renee to open up. Surprisingly, and almost against her own will, Renee started talking, or rather, her mouth just started blurting out things that under ordinary circumstances she would never share. Either way, the cat was out of the bag.

  “I slept with John Murphy. And it was good. No, it was better than good. It was mind-blowing and frankly, I didn’t even believe that sex could reach that kind of level but it did and it’s messing with my mind. I mean, really messing with my mind because now I’ve been wanting things that are impossible and ridiculous—”

  “Such as?”

  Renee scowled at the doctor. “Such as things that are completely out of my reach.”

  Dr. Phillips smiled again and in Renee’s present state of agitation it was like gasoline on a fire. “Please stop smiling at me like that. Like you know something I don’t. Don’t you understand? I’m bad news. And John doesn’t need or want the kind of complications I bring to the table. I’m talking major baggage. The kind you should have to declare before you board the relationship airplane.”

  “And you think he doesn’t realize this?”

  “Of course he doesn’t,” Renee snapped. “If he did he’d run far and fast.”

  “And he’s not.”

  “No.” Was that her voice that sounded just a bit mournful? Renee bit her lip to fight the inexplicable tears that filled her eyes. “No, he’s not.”

  “Maybe he sees something in you that he likes and that makes him willing to shoulder your ‘baggage’ as you call it.”

  Renee snorted. “Like what? A recovering alcoholic with a loser ex-husband who could show up at any moment, and three little girls, one of whom can’t seem to stand me, and barely tolerates anyone else. Oh, yes. I’m a prime package. Who wouldn’t want to take me on?”

  “Renee,” Dr. Phillips leaned forward. “Anyone can change the course of their life. Just as you did when you chose sobriety. When you chose to find your girls no matter what. When you chose to stick it through even though Alexis is not making it easy. You don’t give yourself enough credit. John is an adult. He doesn’t need you to protect him from whatever he might choose to take on.”

  Renee hated the logic of that statement. It stripped away her carefully constructed excuses as if they were made from thin strips of gauze and Renee was left with nothing but the ruin of it in her hands. Silence filled the room.

  “It was more than sex,” Renee admitted quietly. “I’m pretty sure I fell in love with him.” Even before the sex happened. Possibly the moment she realized he’d protect her girls from everyone…including herself.

  “You aren’t sure?”

  Renee twisted the strap on her purse and refused to meet the doctor’s gaze. The inquiry in her voice was enough to make her cheeks burn. Of course she knew. It was just so mortifying to admit. Who falls in love within such a short time under these kinds of conditions? It practically screamed dysfunction and Renee was doing her best to avoid that kind of—

  “Has he fallen in love with you?” The doctor broke into Renee’s thoughts.

  She swallowed. “I don’t know.”

  “And if he has?”

  Her heart stuttered painfully and while the possibility filled her soul with ridiculous misplaced hope that a future with John might be in her grasp, the cold hand of reality slapped her hard and fast and she forced the next words out of her mouth.

  “Then he’s not as smart as I gave him credit for. There’s absolutely no future between John and me. I hate it here and I’m leaving as soon as I get the green light. How’s that for the possibility of happily ever after?”

  “Renee—”

  Tears blinded her and she ran out of the office before Dr. Phillips could call her bluff and see the very thing Renee wanted to hide from everyone—including herself—and that was the fact that she’d fallen hard for the very man that she should’ve kept her distance from.

  RENEE WASN’T THINKING CLEARLY. She drove like a madwoman to the house, one thing on her mind. Get out. Leave. Run.

  Bursting into the house, she started calling for the girls, startling Gladys in the process.

  “Goodness gracious, what’s all the fuss for?” Gladys asked, trailing Renee with a worried frown. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost or something. Therapy not go well today?”

  Renee ignored Gladys’s question, intent on finding her girls. She found them in their bedroom with Alexis at the small desk doing homework and Taylor looking at a horse picture book with Chloe.

  Wiping at the tears flowing down her cheeks, Renee went to the closet and started pulling clothes from the racks.

  Gladys, hands on her hips, exclaimed, “Child, have you done lost your mind? What are you doing?”

  “Leaving.”

  Alexis jumped up from her chair and fairly screeched at the top of her lungs, “No, we’re not! And you can’t make us! The court says—”

  “I’m your mother! And I say we’re leaving!”

  Gladys paled and disappeared. Renee knew where she was going and panic fueled her thoughts. Kneeling before Alexis, she implored her oldest child. “Please, sweetheart. This isn’t the place for us. T
his isn’t real! The longer we stay the harder it will be to leave. Don’t you realize that? We don’t belong here. It’s not our house. Not our family. We’re all we have and we have to stick together. Please…please…” Her plea ended in a pained whisper and Chloe began to wail.

  “Don’t wanna go,” she sniffed as Taylor hugged her close with wide, fearful eyes. “Don’t wanna g-go.”

  Renee felt her heart crack as she looked at her children, their frightened faces searing into her brain, just as John skidded around the corner with Gladys on his tail. Brokenhearted and defeated, Renee dropped her face into her hands and started to sob.

  The next thing Renee knew, she was in John’s arms.

  JOHN HELD RENEE AS SHE CRIED what seemed like an endless stream of tears. When Gladys had come running to him in a panic, he’d simply reacted. But then as Renee had folded in on herself, he couldn’t stop himself from going to her.

  Leaving Gladys to calm the girls, he took Renee to the bedroom and closed the door for privacy.

  After a long while, her sobs turned to watery hiccups and John felt her take a deep, shuddering breath.

  “You probably think I’m insane,” she said against his chest.

  “The thought did occur to me,” he said mildly.

  “You wouldn’t be far off,” she said, pulling away and wiping at her face with the flat of her palm. “I feel like I’m being torn in two.”

  “How so?”

  She sighed. “Because.”

  “Because why?”

  She looked him square in the eye. “What’s going on between us?”

  The tender and protective feelings he’d felt moments earlier faded to wariness. “You said it yourself. Release.”

  She swallowed. “What if I was wrong?” She whispered the words as if afraid of saying them aloud.

  It’s the same damn question he’d been asking himself since that night. He’d always considered himself a simple man but since meeting Renee, his life had been turned upside down and everything he’d thought was black and white were really shades of gray. He shared the same insecurities as she did, it’s just that he didn’t wear his feelings on his sleeve for everyone to see.

  “Do you…have feelings for me?” she asked.

  The simple answer? Yes. But it wasn’t as simple as that and he wasn’t fool enough to believe that. Instead of answering, he pointed out, “You hate it here. So what difference does it make if I do have feelings for you? My life is here. I’m not going anywhere.”

  “I know.”

  “So…”

  She hung her head, the corners of her mouth pulling down. “So, the very thing that I didn’t want to happen, has happened and I don’t know what to do about it.”

  John thought about what she was implying but he didn’t have the courage to ask her to clarify. Did he want to know? He sensed she was talking about more than the physical act they shared. She wasn’t the only one dealing with a barrage of inappropriate feelings. She was the last person he wanted to have feelings for. Renee was like a stick of dynamite, dangerous and ready to explode at any minute. John liked routine whereas Renee seemed to balk at anything smacking of customary. He’d been a bachelor for so long…he just didn’t know if he was capable of becoming a husband and a father in one fell swoop, but the thought of watching the girls and Renee walk away and never come back took a chunk out of his heart.

  “Wow. This sucks,” Renee said wryly, her voice nasal from the crying jag. He chuckled but it sounded as hollow as he felt. She drew a deep breath and apologized for her earlier behavior. “I don’t know what came over me. Tough day at therapy I guess.”

  He nodded but felt it safer to remain silent. There was too much going on in his head to trust what might come out of his mouth. He couldn’t help but wonder what chink in Renee’s armor had allowed such a breakdown. Something had obviously hit a nerve. A part of him needed to know. The other part shied away from the knowledge. She stood and he didn’t try to stop her.

  “I’d like to say that I’m never this irrational but the truth of the matter is…I have days where I don’t do anything that makes sense. That’s what scares me. I’m trying to change that part of myself and you seem to bring out that particular trait in me. I have to steer clear of any self-destructive patterns. Not just for my girls…but for myself. You understand, right?”

  He did. Everything she said made perfect sense and he should’ve just nodded and agreed because essentially they were on the same page, but his heart was singing a different tune and the sound of it was drowning out the melody of reason.

  IT’D BEEN SEVERAL DAYS since The Day Renee Lost Her Mind as Alexis liked to call it, and although Renee wished she wouldn’t say that, she had to admire her daughter’s wry sense of humor about the whole humiliating episode.

  Renee was sitting outside on the porch swing watching John in the arena as he worked with Vixen when Gladys came out to join her with a hot mug of cider.

  “He’s something else with that horse,” Gladys remarked mildly and Renee agreed, somewhat in awe of John in his environment. Something akin to wonder and pride swelled her heart even though she shouldn’t indulge in such fanciful emotions. Gladys shook her head. “But then he’s always been something of a miracle worker when it comes to animals. When he was a boy he used to give his mama fits for all the critters he’d bring home and stash in his room. Lizards, birds, squirrels…anything that needed his help. It was just his way.”

  The older woman handed Renee the mug and sat in the old wicker chair and sipped her hot drink in silence. Renee felt terrible for scaring Gladys that day. In the short time she’d gotten to know Gladys, she felt closer to the older woman than she had to her own mother.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I know you are.”

  Renee smiled above her mug. “Were you always this wise or did it come with age?”

  “I’ve always been smarter than the average bear,” Gladys answered cheekily, eliciting a chuckle from Renee. They settled into a companionable silence until Gladys brought up the one subject Renee wanted to stay away from. “I know you’re in love with John.” Renee started to protest but Gladys motioned for her to be quiet and listen. “John is a good man. Better than most I’d say. You’re never going to find a man as solid and dependable and loving than that man right there. What more are you looking for, child?”

  “What makes you think I’m looking at all?”

  “It’s in your eyes. You yearn for happiness and stability and that’s not a bad thing. Why else would you have stayed with that good-for-nothing nephew of mine? You were trying to make a go of it even when you knew it was falling apart at the seams. A woman doesn’t do that when she’s hoping and wishing to be footloose and fancy-free.”

  “Gladys, I wish I could say that was the case but it wasn’t. I stayed because I was a drunk and a failure. Where else was I supposed to go?”

  “Stop that.” Gladys’s normal tone sharpened with her annoyance. “Everyone makes mistakes. It’s how you deal with those mistakes that make up the strength of your backbone. You didn’t run away from your girls. You went to get help for yourself first so you could take care of them properly. You couldn’t have known that Jason was going to fly the coop or do something to Chloe. If you had, I know you wouldn’t have left them behind. Stop beating yourself up, child.”

  If only it were that simple. “Alexis…she’s never going to forgive me.”

  “She will. But it’ll take time. She loves you something fierce. Trust me in this if nothing else.”

  Tears stung Renee’s eyes. “I miss her.” Desperately. Renee hadn’t realized how much she depended on her oldest daughter until she fell into the void left by her absence. It also made her realize that she’d put entirely too much pressure on the child and somewhere along the way Alexis had lost her childhood. How could Renee give it back to her?

  “And she misses you. Don’t give up. She’ll come around when she senses she can trust you. But you know, the
problem isn’t with Alexis or John.”

  “Oh?” Renee wiped at her eyes. “What is the problem then?”

  Gladys pointed and tapped Renee gently in the chest where her heart beat painfully. “It’s here.”

  “What do you mean?” Renee asked, though to be truthful she was afraid of what Gladys was going to say. Part of her already knew.

  “Honey, you’re afraid of opening up and letting go of that part of yourself that keeps you believing that you’re not worthy of a good life.”

  “Why wouldn’t I want to let go of that?” Renee asked, half joking, despite the look in Gladys’s eyes that was anything but full of laughter.

  “That’s something you have to ask yourself, child. When you find that answer, everything else will fall into place.”

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  JOHN WAS ON A SHORT FUSE the day Cutter Buford returned to collect his horse and Cutter’s attitude didn’t improve matters.

  It had taken weeks to get Vixen to the point where she would tolerate John—and no one else—but Cutter wasn’t pleased that his expensive horseflesh clearly seemed to hate him. Her nostrils flared and she neighed sharply as she punched the ground with her front hooves.

  “What’s this shit?” Cutter yelled, jumping away from Vixen and out of the arena as John followed. “I paid you good money to tame this horse! She doesn’t look any different than when I brought her to you.”

  “She doesn’t like you,” John said, unwilling to sugarcoat anything for this dumb-ass abusive man. “I can’t change that. For what it’s worth, she doesn’t act up around me.”

  “Well that doesn’t do me any good, now does it?” he sneered, sucking back a wad of spit before letting it fly at John’s feet. “I paid you good money and all I get for it is ‘she don’t like you’? I want my money and my horse back you son of a bitch. Now.”

  John wasn’t impressed or intimidated by Cutter’s bluster but he was interested in one thing. “Let me buy her off you,” he suggested.