Land of My Dreams

by Norma Gail

  They stood in stunned silence, until Kari straightened, pulling the phone out of her pocket. “I’ll have to phone Scotland again, though if Bonny couldn’t convince Kieran she needs him, I doubt I’ll succeed.” Adam stopped her.

  “She called that Scotsman?”

  “She loves him, Adam,” Kari said. “She wants him here. He thinks he hurt her too much but …”

  “He hurt her? She didn’t say …” He grew red in the face, and clenched his fists as if ready to punch his rival in the nose.

  “It’s between them.” The anger she harbored toward both men felt like it would be boil over. “Forgiving and loving aren’t the same, Adam. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to make these calls.” She kissed Dan on the cheek and headed for the elevators.

  “Why tell them? If he doesn’t love her, be done with them.”

  “They’re her friends, Adam. She teaches at the college. They have to know.”

  Kari and Dan began to let Adam rotate shifts with them. They were exhausted but trying to concentrate on the healing power of God. Bonny’s face, pale against the sheets, her mouth obscured by the ventilator tubing once again, forecast a bleak outlook. During the infrequent moments when her eyes opened, she gave no sign of recognition.

  Adam whispered he loved her and made grand promises, but she responded to nothing. As her kidney function decreased, she began to retain fluids. With her frail body growing bloated, the doctors warned of the possibility of heart failure. She was slipping away.

  The day was as dreich as Kieran’s mood. The college building juddered as if it were a castle battered by Mons Meg, the medieval siege cannon in Edinburgh. Sheets of rain lashed the windows, running down like tears. If Bonny dies, they will never stop for as long as I live.

  A knock on his half-open office door jolted his mind back from the hospital in far off Albuquerque, where his love lay dying.

  “Kieran, I heard the news.”

  Deirdre.

  “May I come in?”

  “I was just getting ready to go home. I’m tired.”

  She walked around to his side of the desk, her fingers running up his arm. “You could come to my place for dinner. I heard about you and Dr. Bryant.”

  “Deirdre. I thought you left school.” He shoved the stack of papers he had been grading into his briefcase, and stood.

  “I’m back. I told you I would know when you were ready.” Her voice was smooth as steel, but it irritated his raw nerves like winter wind down the chimney. Why would no one leave him alone?

  “No Deirdre, I’m not interested. I love Bonny. She’s dying, but I’ll never love again.”

  She rested her hand on his, caressing, and squeezing. “You say that now, but a man shouldn’t be alone.”

  He extracted his hand and moved toward the door. “Go home, Deirdre. I just want to be alone.”

  “I’ll leave you alone for now, but I’m available anytime you change your mind.”

  She headed down the stairs, and he stepped back into his office. He was not going to risk running into her between his office and the car.

  He closed his eyes, leaning his head against the back of his chair.

  There was a knock at the door, and Janet stuck her head around the door.

  “Can I come in?”

  “Of course.” He nodded, pushing back from the desk, and gripping the arms of his office chair, ready for her scolding.

  She came around the desk, standing beside him with her hands on her hips. “Kieran, without a miracle, Bonny will die in the next day or two.”

  “Kari phoned me.”

  He stood, moving past her to the window, turning his back. The thunderclouds in Janet’s eyes were almost as threatening as the storm raging in his heart. “She let Adam visit, but she also asked me to come.”

  “You spoke to Bonny?”

  He kept his back to her, grasping the pencil in his hand so tightly it snapped in two. “Twice.”

  She grabbed his arm, and he turned around to find her eyes blazing with fire. “You blamed yourself for not being with Bronwyn when she needed you. Now, you refuse when Bonny asks you? I’m fed up with your self-pity, Kieran. If you cared about anyone but yourself, you’d get on the next plane, beg her to live, and tell her you love her.”

  “I can’t …”

  “Ach, Kieran, you’re daft. One of those stones you throw must have hit you in the head. I’ve coddled you when I should have walked away a long time ago.” Her face grew red as her voice rose with anger. “You broke her heart for self-righteous, stubborn reasons. Surely you won’t let her die without telling her you love her, or let her recover and turn to Adam, believing you don’t care?”

  Fatigue and fear descended on him, and he sank into his chair, cradling his head in his hands. Janet moved closer, putting her arms around him. “My heart breaks for you, a charaid, but you have to shake your depression and do something for Bonny.”

  He kept his head down as the pain tore at his gut and traveled up to his throat. “It’s too late. If I had gone when Dan first called … If she’s willing to see him, she doesn’t need me. Shut the door on your way out.”

  Janet brought one rounded fist down hard on the desk. “Eejit, if you love each other, it’s never too late.” She slammed the door behind her, leaving him staring at the desk.

  “Kieran, Bonny’s worse.” He recognized Kari’s voice and held his breath. He had just decided to go downstairs for a cup of tea, but slumped back into his chair.

  “She has pneumonia and a blood clot in one lung. They put her back on the ventilator. She loves you. Please come.”

  “I told you, I’m not what she needs.” He felt as if his heart had stopped.

  “Can you forgive yourself if you don’t try and she dies? Fight for Bonny if you love her.”

  He hung up without saying a word, laid his head on the desk, and sobbed. Then, putting on his raincoat and Wellies, he whistled for the dogs and hiked up into the hills behind the house. He stopped at the place Bonny once called a highland cathedral. They had planned such a full life. How can it end this way? Dear God, please?”

  He returned to the house after dark, chilled from the pain in his heart as much as from the biting wind and driving rain. Sleep eluded him with emotions churning in his heart and mind. Going into his office, he turned on the computer, searching for the earliest flight out of Inverness, anything with a connection to America—to Bonny.

  Kari’s last words replayed in his mind. “Can you live with yourself if you don’t try and she dies? If you truly love Bonny, fight for her.”

  He knew the misery of living with regret. If she did still love him, he had to try. He had the long trip to Albuquerque to work it out with God.

  At daybreak, he called Janet. “I can’t live with myself if I don’t go. My plane leaves at nine.”

  “Finally, go mbeannaí Dia duit.”

  Kieran leaned forward, his face in his hands. At last, he settled for leaning his head back against the seat with his eyes closed. Though he kept his eyes shut, he was not sleeping, but instead praying. The first available flight out of Inverness stopped in Dublin and forced an airline change in New York. He could only pray he was not too late.

  A hand on his shoulder made him jump. He glanced up at a young flight attendant with dark hair and deep brown eyes. “Sir, you seem upset. Can I do anything to help?”

  He shook his head. “No, no one can.”

  “You’re obviously distressed.” Her hand still rested on his shoulder, warm, tangible humanity, with a comforting voice and eyes soft with concern.

  “Someone I love is dying. I’m not certain I’ll make it in time.” He didn’t recognize his own voice, it sounded so weak and shaky.

  “Would you let me pray for you?”

  Her words were an answer to his prayers. “Yes, please.”

  She led him to the galley. “My name is Christen, what’s yours?”

  “Kieran, Kieran MacDonell.”

  “How can I
pray for you, and for your loved one?”

  He felt so strange, standing in the galley of a plane with a young woman near Bonny’s age, letting her pray when he didn’t know if he believed. “Her name is Bonny. She was involved in a terrible car crash. She …”

  “Do you mind if I take your hands, Kieran? I think it’s good to have contact with people you’re praying with.” Her voice had a comforting quality.

  “Is she a friend or relative?”

  “My former fiancée. We argued before she left Scotland for her friend’s wedding. I hope she’s still alive. I have to tell her I love her.” It was strange how it helped to voice his fears, even to a complete stranger.

  Christen bowed her head, and he followed. The prayer was simple, for Bonny’s healing and their relationship. The words were nothing special, not so different from his prayer, but she believed.

  Unexpected, and startling, like a riptide, dragging and pulling, then sending him bobbing to the surface for a breath of exaltation, the knowledge of God’s love and care washed over him in a way he had never experienced before. God had already answered by sending someone to pray with him.

  When Christen finished, he prayed. “God, I have doubted and wavered in my belief. There is no reason for you to listen to me, except for your grace. I ask your forgiveness for my anger and unbelief. Create a new and clean heart in me. Please, help my unbelief. Heal Bonny’s terrible injuries and forgive me for hurting her. Bring her back to me—at least let me see her alive again. Amen.”

  The weight of guilt and self-loathing lifted and the warmth of God’s love continued to flow through him in an overwhelming wave, unlike anything he had ever known. Along with it came a certainty Bonny would be healed and God willing, agree to marry him.

  He felt as if he was in another world, but he managed to find the words. “Thank you, Christen. I appreciate it more than I can tell.”

  “You’re welcome. I’m not usually on this flight, but I traded with a friend. When I saw your eyes, I knew what I had to do. I’ll continue to pray for you and for Bonny. God bless you.”

  He walked back to his seat, knowing his heart had changed. Dear God, let Bonny live long enough to know.

  The red-blond giant getting off the elevator outside the Intensive Care Unit drew Kari’s attention. Rumpled and unshaven, his curly hair was disheveled and standing on end. She leaped out of her chair, darted across the waiting room, and threw her arms around him. “Kieran, thank you for coming. She’ll get better now, I know she will.”

  He sounded bewildered. “Kari? How did you recognize me?”

  “Bonny emailed photos to me. She calls you her ‘Highland hunk.’” Pulling on his arm, she dragged him through the double doors to Bonny’s bedside. “I’m so glad you came. I don’t know how much time she has left.”

  He stood in stunned silence, his eyes roving from one machine to another. The ventilator, two IV lines, a chest tube, and heart monitor. His face froze in fear as he processed the reality of Bonny’s impending death.

  Kari had become accustomed to the strong odors of a hospital—illness, disinfectants, medications, and fear. From the way Kieran rubbed his nose and eyes, the hospital was far from routine to him. His eyes had the panicked appearance of a horse about to bolt.

  Bonny’s face and hands were puffy, her eyelids translucent. Her skin had a disturbing, yellow pallor. The continual “Beep, beep, beep,” of the heart monitor and rhythmic “click-whuhhh,” sound of the ventilator, offered the only reassurance that the small, motionless figure still lived.

  Kieran’s legs gave way and he sank into a chair. One word escaped from his lips. “No.”

  With his heart kathumping in his chest, he remembered Christen’s prayer. God would not let Bonny die. He had been so certain of that on the plane.

  “Talk to her, Kieran. Let her hear your voice. Encourage her to fight. You must have private things to say, so I’ll leave you alone.”

  As Kari pulled the curtain around the bed, he leaned forward. Timidity gave way to emotion and he grasped Bonny’s hand, wet droplets scattering across the back of it and spattering onto the sheets. “Bonny, I’m here at last. I needed to tell you how wrong I’ve been. God has changed me. He has forgiven me, and I believe He will heal you. Live. I love you. I need you.”

  Dan’s military bearing was undiminished by the slight limp from his prosthesis. He spoke straight as an arrow. “Right after the accident, I wanted you to come. As time passed, your procrastinating proved I was right in warning Bonny not to rush it. When Kari said you were here, it made me furious.”

  Kieran met his eyes. Dan had a right to say worse. “I put her through so much pain out of my own stubbornness and guilt.”

  Dan shook his head in frustration. “I’m worried enough, without having two rivals vying for her hand. In my mind, neither of you deserves her. I don’t relish mediating between the two of you.”

  Kieran nodded in understanding. “I know my behavior has puzzled you. It will be different from now on.”

  Dan motioned toward a corner where he and Kari had set up their post and offered him a bottle of much-appreciated water. After two hours, Kieran already understood Bonny’s fascination with large bodies of water and humid air.

  “Your presence creates a difficult situation. Adam won’t be polite or understanding. I’ll lay the ground rules and expect you both to follow them. Please, join us in prayer? I expect him any time.”

  Kieran bowed his head as Dan prayed. “Lord, we ask for your wisdom. Enable each of us to honor you first and to treat each other with respect. Help us remember our primary concern has nothing to do with our relationships but with Bonny’s life.”

  When Dan finished praying, Kieran realized Kari was regarding him with a curious expression. “Why did you come now, when you refused so many times?”

  He chose his words with care. “You said if I loved Bonny, to fight for her. I made a terrible mistake in waiting this long, but I hope I’m not too late. I hurt her the same way Adam did, but I have to try.”

  “No, it wasn’t the same.” Kari laid a comforting hand on his arm. “Bonny prayed for God to save you, whether or not you were together again. She loves you. She’s leery of Adam.”

  “She didn’t send him away.”

  Pulling the wrapper off a granola bar, Kari said, “A couple of nights before the wedding, he was waiting when she came home. She sent him away, telling him she wanted to marry you. You know, new shoes are better than old ones, but when they hurt your toes, you want the old ones back. Adam is the old shoes. When you refused to come, it hurt, and he was available. He’s not who she wants.”

  “Here he is.”

  Kieran followed Dan’s eyes to the tall, dark-haired man getting off the elevator. Studying the athletic man in the expensive business suit, he didn’t find Kari’s analogy of old, worn shoes very accurate.

  Following an uncomfortable introduction, they shook hands like adversaries in a prizefight. Complete opposites, Kieran still recognized a formidable opponent.

  Dan cleared his throat, the sound bearing striking similarity to “Atten-hut.” He assumed a military bearing, feet apart, arms crossed, eyes narrowed, and voice firm. “We have an unusual situation here, gentlemen. In my mind, neither of you deserves Bonny. We are Christians, and I expect each of us to conduct ourselves in a manner honoring to our Lord. Bonny is our sole concern. Nothing else matters.”

  Kieran noted Adam’s somber expression, meeting Dan’s eyes and nodding. There was no doubt as to who was in control. “We need someone with her around the clock. Kari suggested a schedule. I have therapy at the Veteran’s Hospital daily. Kari substitute teaches, so she’s flexible. Adam, you have a complicated schedule, while Kieran has total flexibility, so he will fill in around everyone else. Kari and I make Bonny’s medical decisions because we have her Power of Attorney. However, we’ll discuss it with you if necessary.”

  Listening to Dan, Kieran developed a stronger respect for raw recruits in t
he Marine Corps. “You will behave with respect for each other and for Bonny. Now, let’s pray.” Without waiting for a response, he began. “Father, we come to you asking for healing for Bonny. We love her and believe in your power to heal. Help us to honor you, and unite us in our common goal. Amen.”

  Dan relaxed his stance. “You will come into contact with each other. Any future either of you hope to have with her depends on your conduct toward each other. I won’t tolerate anything other than complete cooperation.”

  “I respect your authority, Dan, but I’ve travelled a long way, in both a literal and spiritual sense.” Kieran avoided looking at Adam. “I will remain here at the hospital until and unless Bonny says otherwise. The rest of you do as you want.”

  “Now wait a minute, Scotsman.” Adam’s tone made it a slur, not a nationality. “Dan explained his routine. Why should you be different?”

  Kari stepped between them. “Perhaps he can rest and eat when you’re here, Adam.”

  As Kieran headed to the men’s room, Adam caught Kari’s arm. “In spite of anything I did to Bonny, that Scotsman doesn’t belong here. They had a romantic fling, nothing else.”

  “She called him herself, before she got so bad. Maybe he can help her regain the will to live.” She pulled free and walked away.

  Chapter Thirty-one: The Rivals

  Adam’s anger reminds me of a lava flow, a cool crust on top and red hot underneath. He won’t make it easy.” It was only the second night Kari and Dan had spent at home together since their wedding.

  Earlier in the day, she discovered Kieran singing a Gaelic lullaby to Bonny in his deep baritone. When she returned later, he was reading scripture. Over and over, he said, “I love you, lass, with my whole heart. God is helping me change. He replaced the anger and pain I felt for so long with hope and peace. Please, love, come back to me.”