Land of My Dreams

by Norma Gail

  She sighed. “What did you say?”

  “I said at least I didn’t humiliate you at the lowest point in your life.”

  She closed her eyes, making the dark circles more noticeable. He could throttle Adam.

  “To which he said?”

  He caught her hand on the way to her throat, but she pulled away, tucking it under the blankets. “Kieran, he said you confronted him, saying he didn’t respect me.”

  He felt the warm flush of anger moving up his face. “I walked away, Bonny. I got into the car and left. I didna want to argue.” He strode to the window and then turned to face her. “You have to decide who to believe.”

  “He’s tough on people sometimes. It’s intimidating in the courtroom, but difficult in real life. If I believe you, it means Adam lied.” She reached her good hand toward him and he took firm hold of it. A tear slipped down one cheek, and he reached over to wipe it away. In a voice as gentle as a Scottish mist, she said, “I believe you, Kieran.”

  He lifted her chin with his finger. “I tried to respond in a way I could be honest about. I won’t accuse him of lying. It’s how he sees it.”

  “Thank you.” Her face took on a pinched appearance, and wet drops rained down on his hand.

  “In his opinion, you belong here, where you have friends and familiar surroundings.” He handed her a tissue and scooted his chair even closer. He might as well remind her of the truth and see where it led. If God wanted them together, He would settle the questions in her heart. “My life is so different. You have friends in Fort William, but your life-long friends are here. If you want me to leave, I will.”

  Bonny’s touch was cool as she removed his hand from her face. “Sooner or later something was bound to happen between you two. I won’t be a rope in a game of tug o’ war.”

  He shook his head. “I won’t pressure you.”

  “Seeing you both every day ...” She pulled him down to where his eyes were level with hers. “Kari and Dan have sacrificed so much. They are my family, Kieran. This is my home, and since the accident, I find it difficult to think about leaving.”

  The icy hands squeezed his heart again. “Bonny, you can come home anytime.”

  She turned away, letting loose of his hand. “Life happens, and what we plan with the best intentions doesn’t. The farm is an important responsibility and we agreed your parents and the farm are priorities. We can’t foresee the future.”

  His heart in his throat, he knelt, putting all his love into his words. “I won’t keep you from your home, Bonny. Dan and Kari are too important.”

  Her voice grew quiet. “I need to clear my mind. Will you push my wheelchair out in the sunshine? Tell me stories or give me a history lesson on Scotland. I can’t decide this now.”

  She’s not sending me away. “Of course.”

  Chapter Thirty-two: The Choice

  Bonny’s crisis of the heart had reached its peak. Adam was out of town again, so Kieran came early and stayed long into the evening. She relaxed as the day wore on, letting him remind her of the special times when their love was first beginning.

  She saw Scotland mirrored in his eyes as he said, “Remember the rainbow from the top of Grant Tower—the two of us sharing it alone, in spite of the crowds? The best day, except for when you agreed to marry me, was the first time I took you to the farm.”

  When his firm grip surprised her, she realized she had taken his hand. The warmth of his touch was too comforting to pull away. “The first afternoon when you changed my flat and ate chili at my house was so special. We had a lovely time getting to know each other. That night at the ball—all the women envied me.”

  His smile reminded her of the day they sat on horseback and watched as an opening in the clouds let the sun stream through in fingers of light, reflecting off the waters of Loch Garry far below them. “The men envied me.”

  They remained hand in hand, letting their thoughts return to happier days. Then she pulled away, straightening herself in the bed and tucking her hands under the blankets. “I broke my own rule.”

  “Perhaps you should listen to your heart.” His soft voice paused before he continued. “Bonny, the depression and medication sent you away. I need you.”

  “No, please ...” The lump forming in her throat felt the size of a golf ball.

  He looked out the window toward the mountain and changed the subject. “I’m reading a book about missionaries killed in the jungles of Ecuador. Later, a couple of the wives returned and helped the same Indians come to the Lord. I want faith that makes a difference, Bonny.” She heard new fervor in his voice, his face alight with excitement. “I pray for a faith worth dying for—a faith impacting every aspect of my life and everyone I meet.”

  “This is the conversation I dreamed of having with you. Adam and I talked this way until I discovered everything was an illusion. Kieran, time is the sole revealer of true change.”

  He leaned closer, his warm, masculine scent surrounding her. “Self-control comes from the Holy Spirit. I didn’t knock him out when I had the chance. Walking away is not my natural inclination where he’s concerned, hen.”

  “True.” She laughed, but the lump in her throat grew larger.

  Bonny didn’t fall asleep until daylight shone through the blinds. She awakened to the sight of clouds forming mare’s tails above the towering mountains to the east. Kieran’s words had made her realize what she needed. She had missed her life-long friends while in Scotland. Now, weak, hurt, and confused, Albuquerque was home once again.

  Adam’s touch didn’t make her long for his arms around her the way Kieran’s did. Perhaps she had willed things to succeed where God did not intend, based on the magnetism of his presence and her own loneliness. She had prayed for the opportunity to marry him when it was not right in God’s eyes, and she had lost him.

  She had dreamed of Adam returning to her life for so long. They had special memories of their own and years of history. He had his faults, but less of the unknown related to him. It seemed logical to remain near her life-long friends, her church, and her home.

  Hurting Kieran, with his newfound faith, was comparable to stepping on a tender, young plant. But for now, she needed the familiarity of home and friends. If God willed something else, he would let her know.

  Kieran brought Bonny’s hand to his lips as they enjoyed the sunshine of the hospital courtyard. “The hours I spent in the hospital chapel praying for your life included healing our relationship. I cannot separate them. God saved your life for a purpose, and I believe it involves me.”

  He drew the small velvet box out of his pocket and revealed her ruby ring. “Bonny Faith Bryant, will you marry me?”

  She wanted to talk and pray with Kari and Dan, but in the end, the decision was hers. Janet’s words came back. It’s possible you’re not in his life to marry him.

  Her heart was pulsing in her throat. “Kieran, I need more time. It was wrong to relive those old memories.”

  The color drained from his face. “They’re ours. They watered the seeds of our love. I never intended to hurry you. I thought remembering …”

  “Kieran ...” The touch of one calloused finger wiping her tears caused her to cry harder.

  “You’re going to marry Adam.” There was defeat in his voice. How could she hurt him?

  She saw her own pain mirrored in the blue pools of his eyes. The hand holding the ring—her ring, dropped to his side. He walked across the courtyard, standing with his back to her, snarling his fingers through his hair.

  “I haven’t said I’d marry anyone. I can’t make such life-changing decisions when I’ve only now reached the point where I still have a life.”

  When he turned and walked toward her, she saw agony etched in the lines of his forehead, the stern set of his mouth, and the gray cast in his eyes. “Why, Bonny? We knew we belonged together from the first night we talked. You love me—I know you do.”

  He stopped in front of her and stood, looking down at her befo
re dropping to one knee at her side. She reached out to brush a curl off his forehead—but pulled her hand back, feeling as if her heart would break. “Kieran, I’ve been hurt by you both. I love you—but part of me still loves Adam. You’re a wild, romantic dream, a Scottish knight in shining armor. You swept me off my feet and helped me live again. I love you, but for right now, I choose home and familiarity. I—I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t choose now, Bonny, please. I can wait as long as it takes.”

  How could she hurt him? “I can’t keep you here forever while I decide. Go home to your Highland cathedral and grow in your walk with God. Then my presence in your life will have meant something. If God wants more, He will show us in time.”

  Kieran put the ring box back in his pocket, where it formed a lump the size of the one in her throat. His voice grew husky with emotion. “I’ll help you to your room.”

  Looking at him was impossible. “No, tell them you left me outside. It’s—it’s easier this way.”

  He stroked the tangled curls on her shoulder. Reaching underneath to separate a bright strand, he pulled his knife from his pocket, and cut it, tucking it in his shirt pocket. “If you decide you’re wrong, I’ll be waitin’.” His muted voice signaled emotions held in check with enormous difficulty. “There will never be another woman—ever. Bidh gaol agam ort gu sìorraidh. Beannachd Dè Rìgh Alban. I will love you forever. God’s blessing.”

  With the dull thud of the door closing behind him, a door closed in her heart, sealing off a place, which would belong to Kieran forever.

  Bonny saw the look of alarm on Kari’s face when she walked in the next morning, the first day back from her honeymoon. The mirror had already revealed how her red-rimmed eyes stood out in her pale face.

  She knew they believed Kieran was a far better match for her than Adam. His gentle spirit and passionate new walk with the Lord touched their hearts.

  “Does Adam know?” Kari asked.

  “No, ask him to stay away today, please?”

  When Kari called, Dan came straight from therapy, striding in with such a confident gait no one would know one leg was prosthetic. “Bonny, your dad said not to marry someone you can live with but to marry someone you can’t live without. Is Adam someone you can’t live without?”

  “Too many questions, you guys. I didn’t say I wanted to marry Adam. I am alive and going home when I expected to die. For right now, I need home. With

  Kieran, this would never be home again. I have to know I’m doing God’s will, not mine.”

  “Bon, I—uh, tried to call Kieran,” Dan rubbed his hand across his eyes. “He’s gone.”

  Bonny sat close to the window, wearing pale, pink warm-ups, which complimented the glow in her cheeks. She was so lost in her reverie, she failed to hear him. Adam watched the enchanting woman he longed to claim for his wife with an unfamiliar feeling, the fear of losing. He suspected she had made her decision, but assumed Kieran suffered the same banishment. She turned, and a smile lit up her face. How was I foolish enough to leave her?

  “You’re looking pretty.” He measured his words with caution.

  She motioned toward a chair. “Thank you. Come sit next to me. I asked you to stay away while I prayed and talked to Kari and Dan. It’s only a partial decision, but following your encounter with Kieran, I realized it was wrong to keep you both waiting. Coming to understand what God would have me do for now is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

  He was drowning in the emerald sea of her eyes, his insides tying themselves in knots. “Forgive me. I reacted out of fear when I saw you together.”

  She was staring out the window again. Her silence did nothing to diminish his anxiety, but then she looked him in the eye. “I appreciate your apology. I sent Kieran back to Scotland. We will wait for God to lead. For now I need home.”

  He was on his knees, emotion threatening to overcome him, a feeling he hated. “I’ve dreamed of this moment. Can you forgive me for the pain and humiliation I caused?”

  She placed her hand on his shoulder, warming his heart with feelings he was afraid to voice.

  “The confident Adam Lawson, kneeling before me. I’ll remember this. I forgave you in Scotland once I let the Lord have control of my life.”

  He swallowed hard, his mouth suddenly dry. “I want you to marry me, but it sounds as if you have something different in mind.”

  “I didn’t say I would marry you, Adam. I didn’t tell Kieran it was over between us either. I need to heal, physically and emotionally. I don’t know when I can decide.”

  “Bonny, I’ll wait.”

  Her voice was firm, stronger than the Bonny he remembered. “I won’t rush things. I’m going home tomorrow. Jeni and Jake will continue caring for the house, and women from the church will bring meals and help with personal things. Dan and Kari are nearby, though I’ve stolen enough attention from their marriage.”

  He gripped her hands, small and delicate compared to the strength of her voice. “I’ll help on evenings and weekends. I can fix meals and help around the house, anything you need.”

  She extricated her hands from his grasp. “Thank you. Nurses will visit three times a week and I have therapy every morning, I won’t lack for much. Jeni will help me with bathing and dressing.”

  He restrained his enthusiasm. “I’ll come after work and on weekends. We can walk in the evenings. My sister, Christy, will be home for the summer. She can stay with you at night. You two enjoy being together. She threatened to kill me when I broke off our engagement.”

  Bonny laughed, her distracting eyes lighting up. “I would have applauded her for it. I still don’t know if I trust you.”

  Adam and Bonny stood on the balcony of her mountain home watching the sunset four months after she left the hospital. The clouds glowed in glorious hues of pinks, oranges, and purples, amid the silence of nature pausing in preparation for the night’s rest, and a quiet hush settled over the forest. The birds and crickets ceased their singing, and the coyotes were not yet on the move.

  “I love this time of day.”

  She shivered as the evening air cooled, and he wrapped his arms around her tight and secure, his breath warm on her neck. “I love you, Bonny. Will you marry me and let me watch the sunset with you every day for the rest of our lives?”

  She stiffened. “We traveled this road once before, Adam. I’ll consider your proposal, but I can’t answer you now.”

  His arms loosened, but then he drew her tight against him. “I’ll wait, but this is the last time I’ll ask.”

  They watched as the sun dipped below the mountains. He turned her in his arms and kissed her, when an unexpected image flashed through her mind. Clear and unmistakable, she saw a snapshot of a piper, high on a misty hill surrounded by sheep.

  Chapter Thirty-three: Longing

  A heavy Scottish mist greeted Kieran as he headed for Fort William, much more appropriate to his mood than the New Mexico sunshine. On the flight home, he made a promise to Bonny, to himself, and to God. Pain would not separate him from the God who brought him back to life. If life was without Bonny, he would serve the Lord with his whole heart, blessed for having loved her.

  Deirdre Adair was already waiting outside his office when he arrived. “Kieran, I was afraid you had forgotten. You’ve never been late before. I’ve missed you so much.”

  “I’m sorry. I had a lot on my mind. This will be our last tutoring session.” He unlocked the door and motioned for the tall brunette to precede him into the office.

  She set her books on the desk and turned to face him. Her amber-colored eyes were wide with disappointment and surprise. “Kieran, whatever is wrong? You didn’t say anything about quitting.” She sat down, shaking her head. “What am I supposed to do without you?”

  He sat down behind the desk and opened his college algebra book. “It’s nice of you to say so, but you’ll do fine with Fergus McClanahan.”

  She took hold of his arm, picking at the tweed of his jacket
. “I didn’t learn as well from Fergus as I do from you. I really struggled while you were in America—and I was so lonely.”

  Something about the way she said it rattled his thinking. “I made some plans, and I’m anxious to get started on them. I’m quitting teaching to pursue other things.”

  Her hand traveled up his sleeve, resting on his shoulder for a moment before she cupped his cheek in her hand. “Maybe this is the answer to my prayers.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I heard Dr. Bryant isn’t returning. If you’re no longer teaching, there’s no reason for us not to see each other.”

  His face felt hot and his collar too tight. She had always been flirtatious, even when Bonny was around. Her smile was really quite stunning, but—

  The thought of a woman other than Bonny was disturbing, almost to the point of making him ill. Deirdre was attractive, but not to his taste. “I’m not ready for a relationship, Deirdre. I have a lot of things to take care of after being gone so long.”

  She leaned in close, still cradling his face in her hand. What had Bonny said her cologne was called? Midnight something?

  “Maybe I could help you out. My grandparents had a farm. It would give us a chance to become better acquainted.” She leaned closer, her face almost touching his.

  He shifted in his chair. “Deirdre, I’m flattered, but I’ve been through a rough time.”

  Her finger traced around his ear, stopping at the lobe, and she leaned in close, whispering, “I always felt we could make a great team. She was an American, Kieran. She could never understand you the way I do.”

  His heart was racing and so was his brain. “I can’t.” He shoved his chair back and stood. “I’m flattered you feel that way, but my heart is in America. Bonny may not have chosen me, but my heart chose her.”

  She stood, gathering up her purse and books. “I understand you needing some time. I can wait, but when you’re ready ... I care about you, Kieran. Call me?”