Land of My Dreams

by Norma Gail

  She kissed his cheek and walked out.

  Deirdre was pretty. It wasn’t going to be easy going on alone. Her home was already in Scotland.

  He took a deep breath to clear his head and slow his heart. Her cologne still lingered, but … No. He would have Bonny or no one.

  Janet’s door was ajar, and she glanced up from her computer when he knocked. “Kieran, what’s wrong? You’re all peely wally.”

  He sank into a chair, still clutching his computer bag. “Can we go somewhere to talk?”

  She raised her eyebrows, but smiled. “Sure. Is something wrong?”

  “I need your opinion, help—I don’t know what.”

  “Mum’s in Glasgow with my brother. How about lunch at my house?”

  “Yes, perfect. I owe you one.”

  Janet stood and grabbed her purse out of the closet. “Let’s go then. Are you coming back after lunch?”

  Peeking out into the hall, he let her precede him. “Yes, I have an appointment with Dr. Cameron.”

  “Sounds good, I’ll ride with you then.”

  Now that he had someone to listen, he didn’t know how to bring up the subject. When they reached her house, he decided to dive right in. “Have you heard from Bonny?”

  She put her arm through his, leading him toward the house. “Aye, last week. She’s still seeing Adam, but she misses Scotland. She wanted to know how you’re doing.”

  He opened the door when she unlocked it, allowing her to precede him into the house. “I’ll be fine. God is showing me a purpose. If I stop tutoring, I can spend more time on it. Graeme is the one person I’ve told.”

  “What’s going on, Kieran? You didn’t pester me for details about Bonny, and if you’re not sharing your secret with me, there has to be something else.”

  “You ken Deirdre Adair, aye?”

  “Yes, of course. Is she still after you, then?” She pulled an assortment of sandwich meats out of the refrigerator and began fixing lunch.

  “Aye, she keeps pushing me to date her. She’s not bad, but I still hope Bonny will change her mind. She’s making a mistake, Janet. He’ll hurt her again.” He took the plate she offered and sat down, meeting her eyes across the table. “Do you think she’s serious about marrying him?”

  “No, I don’t. She still loves you. You haven’t eaten a bite.”

  “Sorry, no appetite. The problem is, as much as I love Bonny, I was tempted to accept Deirdre’s invitation out of loneliness.”

  “There’s no reason not to.” She paused, tapping her finger on the table. “I could manage to tell Bonny you were seeing her.”

  Kieran relaxed and laughed. He had done little of that since coming home. It couldn’t hurt.

  The appointment with Dr. Cameron over, he finished his errands and returned to Stonehaven. Throwing the hammer helped work through his anger at the thought of Bonny with Adam. The experience with Deirdre increased his longing for the one woman who would hold his heart forever.

  Kieran asked Deirdre to meet him at the Nevis Bank Inn on Belford Road, which seemed like a public enough place to have dinner. It kept him from any awkward scenes that might occur if he had to drive her home. The dark wood paneling and large windows made for a pleasant atmosphere. But, being in a hotel, it didn’t have a dimly lit, romantic atmosphere that could be misunderstood.

  She got out of her car as soon as he drove into the car park. That she was there first, waiting, was no surprise. “Kieran, I was so pleased you called.” She gripped his arm and laid her cheek against his sleeve as she spoke.

  He had expected her to move fast. He pulled his arm free and put his hand on her back, pushing her through the door ahead of him. This was a mistake. He knew he would regret it already. Lord, I miss Bonny. I don’t want another woman in my life.

  He pulled her chair out and seated himself across the table, picking up the menu and concentrating on the contents to the point he failed to see the waiter approach the table until he heard Deirdre speaking.

  “Champagne, don’t you think, love?” she crooned, nudging his boot with her foot.

  “If you want a glass, that’s fine.” He looked at the waiter. “I’ll have sparkling water, please.”

  She reached across the table, placing her hand on his. “But love, you need champagne for our toast.”

  “Our toast—to what?”

  “To us—what else? We’ve waited a long time for this moment.” Her long, dark lashes veiled her eyes as she smiled at him.

  “I—uhh, I prefer not to have champagne when I’m driving back to the farm.”

  “Two glasses of champagne, please,” she said to the waiter. When she turned back to him, the corners of her red lips turned down in a pout. “You disappoint me, love. This is the start of something big. We should toast.”

  “We’re just getting acquainted. Don’t you think a toast is premature?” What have I let myself in for? I didn’t think she would be this forward.

  “Of course not. We’re both adults. We don’t have to play a game any longer. I’m not a student, and you’re no longer a professor. We can do as we please, and no one will be reporting on us to Dr. Bryant.” She had taken off her shoe and was running her toes up beneath the hem of his pants.

  He jerked his leg away, tucking it, with some difficulty, underneath his chair. “I think of us as friends. We really have no relationship beyond that, and I’m not looking for anything else.”

  “Kieran, I never took you for being shy—”

  The waiter returned with the champagne and his water. That was a relief. “Are you ready to order, Deirdre?”

  “I’ve been too distracted to think about the menu. Would you order for me?” Her tone was seductive, teasing even, and he felt the warmth rushing to his face.

  “I’ll have the Highland venison casserole. Deirdre, do you like venison?”

  She turned up her nose and opened her menu. “No, I’m in the mood for something lighter. The fillet of salmon, please.”

  She excused herself to go to the ladies room when the waiter walked away, and Kieran breathed a sigh. I can’t do this. I need Bonny. Even if she never returns, I won’t try this again. It’s better to be alone.

  He listened to Deirdre chatter all through the meal, only answering when necessary. The woman never stopped talking. She had made only the slightest progress with her meal when the waiter removed his empty plate. Eleanor would have said it was licked so clean she didn’t need to wash it. Minus his meal, he had no choice but to listen to what Deirdre was saying.

  “My great grandparents on my mother’s side went to Canada during The Clearances.”

  That caught his attention. “Adairs?”

  “Of course not, that would be my father’s side. On my mother’s side, I’m a Greenfield MacDonell, so we’re distant relatives. We have more in common than you thought, don’t we?”

  He pulled his legs back as her toes began creeping up his leg again. “Yes, I guess we do, though that is so far back it doesn’t mean anything.” He remembered telling Bonny how their clans had feuded, implying that meant a special closeness, but he was in love with her.

  She finished her salmon, much to his relief, and when the waiter took her plate, he asked for the check.

  “So soon? Would you like to come back to my place for a while? It’s not as public, if you know what I mean.” She captured the hand he had been careless enough to leave on the table.

  “No. What I mean is I need to make an early night of it. Something came up right before I left home. I need to get some sleep. I’ll have a long day tomorrow.” He extricated his hand and placed them both in his lap.

  There was the pout again. She really was a terrible flirt. He found it very unbecoming, especially compared to Bonny’s sweet, almost shy, demeanor.

  “How would it be if I drove out to your farm tomorrow?”

  “No, I’m sorry, I have a lot of business and will be up and gone early. Deirdre, I’m not ready for the type of relationship that a youn
g woman like you is interested in. I’m afraid I won’t be asking you out again. This was a mistake. I’m sorry.” Taking his credit card back from the waiter, he stood and turned to walk away.

  “Kieran, how can you do this to me? You led me on for months. You made me believe you cared. The American is gone. She’s not coming back. We’re Scots, you and I, we understand one another. The same blood flows in our veins.” She came after him, grasping at his sleeve. “She bewitched you. I never trusted that little American. We’ll be together yet, you’ll see.”

  “I never gave you a hint of anything between us, and I never will. I’m sorry if you misunderstood. I’m almost old enough to be your father. I was wrong to ask you to dinner. Goodnight.” He increased his stride across the car park, stepped into the Land Rover with her on his heels, and locked the doors as soon as he was inside.

  As he drove away, he saw her shaking her fist and stomping her foot.

  That’s the end of that. I’ll stay alone until the day I die, unless you send Bonny back to me, Lord.

  Chapter Thirty-four: My Heart’s Home

  Adam, I haven’t said I would marry you, but I don’t want to live at San Pedro Creek. It’s lovely here.” Bonny shoved the casserole of green chili chicken enchiladas into the oven and banged the door shut, turning to face him.

  “Aww, Bonny, you know I’ve owned land out there forever.” He took hold of her, massaging her upper arms. “I want a new house, something of our own, more contemporary than this overgrown cabin of your parents. It’s old.”

  Why can’t he keep his word?

  She heard his irritation and pointed out the window. “This house has some of the most spectacular views in the East Mountains. We’ve talked about living here before. I have the barn for the horses and the lawn my dad planted. You have pinons and cedar, not the tall pines, firs, and ponderosas I love.”

  “You didn’t mind leaving it behind for a dirty old sheep farm before you succumbed to my superior charm.” He wrapped his arms around her, leaning his forehead against hers.

  She jerked away and then walked out the door onto the deck. He was back to his old, domineering self. “You act as if it’s a Third World country. It’s a Highland estate on a scenic loch with forests, wildlife, and a two-hundred-year-old farmhouse, but we weren’t discussing Scotland. We talked about how much fun it would be to have Kari and Dan as neighbors.”

  “San Pedro Creek isn’t as far as Scotland. I want privacy after waiting so long for my bride, and twenty-five acres should provide it. I’ll build your dream barn, I promise. Come on, honey?” He took her in his arms, turning her, and kissed her, while tangling his fingers in her hair. His arms wrapped tight around her, his lips demanding.

  She liked her old home. Contemporary and mountains did not belong together in her mind. “Quit bringing up Scotland whenever we disagree. Your land is further from church and town. When we have children, it will be difficult to keep them involved in church activities.”

  “I’m in no hurry for children.” He nuzzled her neck when she turned to avoid his lips.

  She squirmed, but he held her fast. “Adam, I want our children to grow up involved in church.”

  “I don’t know about the kid thing, Bon. I’m not sure about adoption. If it’s only you and me, we can travel and live however we want with no other responsibilities.” He kept her tight against him, caressing her face with one hand.

  “But you—we agreed…” He pressed his lips to hers, but she shoved him hard, raising her voice. “Does anything I want matter? I haven’t agreed to marry you. We discussed living here, and we discussed children. Now you’re changing everything.”

  “Hush and tell me you love me.” He held her around the waist, his breath warm on her forehead as he crushed her against him again. “I’ve waited for a month.”

  When she tried to protest, he captured her lips again, demanding submission. It wasn’t right to have thoughts of Kieran when she was in Adam’s arms, yet he appeared with increasing regularity. Gentle, easy-going Kieran, laughing, with a random curl on his forehead, hiking a mountain trail, riding horses, all with an expression of ardent love in his cobalt blue eyes.

  Adam loved her in the only way he was able, but he needed to win. There would be consequences in choosing to marry him as there would be if she made Scotland her home. Kieran said Adam didn’t respect her. He was right.

  Bonny put her hands on Adam’s shoulders and shoved him backward. “Okay, you’ll get your answer. I can’t marry you. I was wrong to let it drag on so long. I needed to know I was choosing God’s best for my life and you’ve made it clear. We don’t want the same things.”

  His face reddened, and he stepped away, the gold flecks in his eyes sparking. “I should have known—swept off your feet by an accent and a kilt. Go back to your Scotsman and his smelly sheep farm.” He crossed the deck, surveying the three mountain ranges visible to the north, each a lighter shade of blue than the one before it.

  She followed. “A commitment of a lifetime requires more than safety, familiarity, and long-lost dreams. I need someone who loves me more than himself. My needs never mattered to you.”

  He grabbed her upper arms hard enough to bruise. “Bonny, I love you. What is so lacking?”

  She put her hands on his shoulders. “A depth of love greater than I ever imagined possible. Kieran is as much a part of me as breathing—our thoughts—our feelings, have been one since the first night we talked. We’ve never had that Adam. We never would.”

  “One question. What took you so long?” His face showed surprise and confusion.

  She waited, willing him to meet her eyes. “I’ve loved you for a long time, but I see our differences in a new light after our time apart. I never promised that by staying here I was saying I would marry you. I said I needed to be near home to heal and pray. I need someone who considers my feelings and sometimes sets his own aside.”

  Striding to the door, he turned back with his hand on the knob. “When I walk out, it’s too late.”

  The door slammed behind him. Bonny followed and watched from the window as he gunned the engine, skidding around the curve in the driveway, rocks flying as he sped away, clueless.

  The next morning, Kari sat with Bonny at the kitchen table overlooking the valley below. The pleasant aroma of Mary Twining’s Spiced Tea and fresh apple pie filled the room. “I told Adam I won’t marry him. I haven’t slept well for weeks. Kieran fills my mind twenty-four hours a day. In spite of his struggles of faith, we had something special. I miss him. Kari, I love him.”

  “You’re serious aren’t you?” Kari put one arm around her still thin shoulders.

  Someone knocked at the door, and Kari hurried to open it, turning her face up for Dan’s kiss.

  “I read your note and hurried over as soon as I got home. Hi, Bon, what’s up?” Dan was red in the face and out of breath.

  “She refused Adam’s marriage proposal.” Kari clasped his hand, pulling him into the kitchen.

  Bonny turned to meet Dan’s questioning eyes. “I shouldn’t have refused Kieran’s proposal. I still love him. God never says the safe and familiar is His best. Sometimes the greatest blessings come when we leave the familiar behind and take a step of faith. He deserved a chance to prove his commitment to the Lord. I want to feel safe, loved, and valued for myself, not as an extension of someone’s ego.”

  Dan accepted the pie she offered him. “You’ll live with this decision for a lifetime.”

  She leaned her head back, closing her eyes. “At the time, I chose home and time to heal and pray, but home is also a feeling. With Kieran, I always felt at home. I can’t live with someone who doesn’t respect me.”

  “Bonny, honey, you’re willing to make Scotland your home, to say goodbye to your life here?” She heard the hint of resignation in Kari’s voice.

  Reaching for a tissue, she dabbed at her eyes. “When you dream of one man while in the arms of another, the one who dominates your thoughts is the one yo
u can’t live without. My heart can’t be at home apart from Kieran.”

  Dan reached for her hand. “Kari and I wanted you to choose him. You’ve taken time, prayed, and considered the consequences.” He pulled her close in a brotherly hug. “Your dad would choose Kieran.”

  Kari joined the hug. “So when will you call him?”

  Bonny shook her head. “I planned to leave for Scotland as fast as—but I can’t. I don’t want any more broken hearts. I can’t wait to hear Kieran’s voice, but it has to be in the Lord’s timing.”

  Guilt overwhelmed her. Bonny began to understand what kept Kieran away after her accident. She had two broken engagements, a cancelled wedding, and two refused proposals behind her—not a good track record.

  She filled her days with long-neglected tasks, cleaning and painting, and working outside. She redecorated the master bedroom and moved into it. Joining two Bible studies and helping with Kari’s Bible study for the middle-school girls kept her busy.

  Kieran filled her dreams. Riding horses, hiking, skiing, singing, watching him throw the hammer, and tending to the sheep. A lifetime of experiences filled a few short months.

  “I love him, Kari, but I won’t chase after him. It isn’t my place. I’m open to God’s leading, preparing my heart and mind for His will. I’m not certain I want to teach again.”

  The two friends were enjoying tea at the St. James Tea Room in Albuquerque. Bonny sat on the red velvet couch sipping her Pumpkin Pie scented Black Tea, dressed in a purple silk blouse and well-fitting black skirt, hemmed just above her knees, with turquoise jewelry.

  Kari bloomed like a morning glory in her blue dress, her eyes narrowed in confusion. “I don’t understand. Why prolong your misery? Janet said he still loves you. One of you needs to swallow your pride.”

  Bonny swallowed the last bite of her Cucumber and Roquefort tea sandwich. “He’s been in church and active in a Bible study since he returned home. Sometimes I think I should just stay here with the horses. They don’t demand anything and won’t disappoint me.”