Live Me

by Celeste Grande

  “Jace, what am I gonna do?”

  He took me by both shoulders, his eyes understanding and sympathetic. “Listen to me, sugar, it’s okay. This is okay. It’s normal. You’re supposed to let yourself feel these things. You deserve to feel this. That wasn’t why I was coming down on you. You don’t know this guy. I didn’t know how far it went or why you were keeping it from me. You can’t hide things from me, Eva—ever. You understand that, right?”

  I nodded.

  “Promise. Out loud,” he demanded.

  “I promise,” I said solemnly, hooking my little finger with his and sticking our thumbs in our mouths. It was the familiar pinky swear we’d been doing since we were five.

  Jace finally relaxed. “I have to say, though, when you do something you sure do it right. That guy is sex on legs.” He fanned himself.

  I shot to my feet and began the endless pacing I did when I was nervous. “He’s perfect! I’ve tried a million times over to find something, anything, wrong with him. All I find is another reason why he’s so damn perfect. This is so bad. You know I can’t pursue this. It’s impossible. But I don’t know how to get rid of him. Every time I try, he won’t let me, and I don’t have the strength to force him. He breaks everything down inside me. I’m like jelly the second he looks at me. It’s complete insanity. And, if that wasn’t bad enough, the guy is a total fucking chivalrous sweetheart.”

  I stopped pacing and turned abruptly as the answer to my prayers slapped me in the face. “You. You need to get rid of him for me. Yes, that’s it!”

  He sat back and casually crossed his legs, stretching his arms across the back of the couch. “I’m not so sure we should be getting rid of him, Eva. We have to talk about this.”

  “No! You have to, Jace. You have to! It won’t work. He’ll either find out, or think I need to be placed in a psych ward once he spends a little time with me.”

  I slammed down to my knees in front of him, propping my hands together in the begging position. “Please, Jace. Pretty please, with sugar on top.” I batted my eyelashes, trying to persuade him.

  He jumped off the couch. “Girl, get it together now. You’re acting crazy. And get up off your knees. That look does nothing for me.” He grabbed me by the shoulders and yanked me to my feet. “I can’t believe how you’re carrying on.” He held me still so I’d have no choice but to focus on him. “Listen to me. This might just be a blessing in disguise. You need to start moving on, and I can’t think of a better distraction.”

  “Are you insane?” My voice squeaked. “You’ve actually lost your mind. It’s happened.” I tried to pull away, but he held me tighter.

  “I’m serious. I’m not doing this for you. Not yet, anyway. Let’s see where this goes. Just trust me. Have I ever done anything to hurt you?”

  My shoulders sagged in defeat. “No.”

  “Okay, well I’m not about to start now. Have a little faith, huh?”

  “Ugh, whatever,” I huffed and yanked myself away. “I hope you know what you’re asking. You’re throwing me into the lion’s den here, and I’m the steak.”

  “Oh, please.” He rolled his eyes. “I’m the dramatic one in this relationship, honey. Take it down a notch. You’re gonna throw us off kilter. Now get your shit together. You’re sleeping with me tonight, and you can tell me all about McDreamy. I need to keep my eyes on you.”

  “Yes, master.” I reluctantly dragged myself down the hall to change into my pajamas.

  Back at his apartment, Jace safely tucked me beneath the covers. I told him all about my time with Blake in explicit detail; he wouldn’t have it any other way. Amid the oohs and aahs, he expressed over and over how hot Blake was. I had to be careful, or he might just go after him for himself. He’d been known to turn a few to the other team.

  Yawning, he looked over and grew serious. “Just be careful, all right? I’m being hard on you because I want you to move on and try your hand at a regular life, but I know what this means for you and that you won’t have an easy road ahead. Do not keep anything from me. You feel something, tell me. You’re scared, tell me. He hurts you, you better fucking tell me.”

  “I will, if I even go through with this. For now, I’ll just let him be my friend. He’s not asking for more than that anyway.”

  “Okay, it’s a start.” He tucked me into his side. “Love you, mama.”

  “Love you too, crazy.”

  “Now, get some sleep. You look like shit.”

  Jessie dropped her lunch tray on the cafeteria table and sat across from me. “So, I talked to Rick. He says you can come tonight to meet him, and if it works out, you can stay and train.” She was super excited. “Did I do good?”

  I looked up from my cell phone. “Um, yeah!” I smiled. “Thank you. I’m slacking. I was supposed to be all over getting a job and studying, and I’ve done nothing. I needed a push in the right direction.”

  I was struggling so bad to keep my head on straight lately, I was starting to question whether coming here was even going to help. So far, I wasn’t any different from before, except for the ease I felt knowing I was alone and safe.

  “Well, here’s your first nudge.” She beamed with pride. “Glad I could be of assistance. Rick’s a great guy and, shall we say, easy on the eyes.” Her demeanor turned from bubbly to scandalous. “Speaking of incredibly good looking men, who was that smokin’ piece of male specimen that swept you off your feet yesterday? I almost fainted. The way he was holding onto you and looking at you, I swear I thought my clothes were going to disintegrate off my body. I actually stopped breathing for a second. Not to mention the cold shower I had to take when I got home. I get the chills just thinking about it.” She made a show of shivering and fanning herself.

  “Oh, yeah. That’s Blake. He’s just a friend.” I shrugged, trying to portray indifference.

  She waved her fork around. “Friend, shmend. He likes you, Eva, and I’ve never seen anything so gorgeous in my life. He seems really sweet, too.”

  And oh how he is, damn him. “Yeah, well I’m taken, so he’s out of luck.”

  Her mouth dropped open, displaying salad fragments and all. “You’re serious?”

  “As a heart attack. And close your mouth.” I wrinkled my nose.

  “Well, step aside then, sista. I wouldn’t mind taking a ride on that express train.” She wiggled her eyebrows, forking another bite.

  I laughed, but something inside me unhinged, and I had to fight to keep my claws tucked away. What the hell was that? Composing myself, I plastered on my huge phony smile. “Go for it.”

  Jessie’s face turned pale just as a deep voice rustled the hair beside my ear. “This seat taken?”

  My belly fell out.

  My body went rigid while my insides became languid, and the combination was so contradictory, it sent me into shock. The sound of the chair scraping beside me knocked me from my paralysis. I looked over to see a familiar dimple plunged deep into his smooth cheek.

  He leaned in so close, I could smell the mint on his breath. “Hi, Angel.”

  I swallowed my tongue. “Hi, Blake.”

  If he’s going to keep doing this to me, I’ll probably go into cardiac arrest.

  Jessie kicked me under the table, her eyes popped out so far I wouldn’t have been surprised if they’d fallen out of her face. She was glancing back and forth wildly from me to him to drive home the point I hadn’t introduced them yet.

  I cleared my throat. “Um, Blake, this is my friend Jessie. Jessie, this is Blake.”

  She donned her signature smile and shot her hand across the table at him. “Nice to meet you, Blake.”

  “Likewise.” He flashed those sexy-ass dimples politely back at her, and then turned a heated gaze back to me.

  “So, are you following me again? Do I have to call campus security and tell them I have a stalker?” I chided playfully.

  “You just might.” Blake’s smile turned mischievous. “Actually, you know I’m here at this time, so I’m thin
king you might be the one following me.” He placed a hand on his chest, looking at me adoringly. “Don’t break my heart and tell me I’m wrong, sweetheart.”

  “You’re wrong,” I stated matter-of-factly.

  “Ow!” He clutched his chest and leaned back, making an overly dramatic show of faking a heart attack. “Someone call nine-one-one!”

  I laughed, pushing his shoulder. “Stop it! You’re making a scene.”

  He grabbed my hand and held it against his hard chest so I could feel his heart frantically flying beneath it. His voice lowered. “See, I told you. I’m not lying. It’s short circuiting, and it’s all your fault.”

  My lungs ceased.

  Feeling his chiseled chest and the organ that drives this man beneath my palm was not something I was equipped to deal with. Tingles crept up the tips of my fingers with every erratic jump of his heart. I swallowed the cotton ball shoved inside my throat and nudged him, trying to play it off. “I can’t take you.”

  His grip tightened and he tugged me toward him. “You can take me any time, anywhere you’d like.” The double meaning behind his words didn’t go unnoticed.

  It felt like the intensity of his stare would burn a hole through my retinas. I had to look away, but I couldn’t. I was mesmerized, and so help me god, if I went blind, then I went blind. At least I’d have that image engrained in my mind.

  “Have dinner with me tonight,” Blake said.

  “Um, tonight? I, um . . .” have lost the ability to control my tongue apparently.

  “She’s training at The Backdoor tonight,” Jessie’s voice was so small I barely recognized it. Her eyes were timid and uncertain as to whether or not she should have spoken.

  I blinked, forgetting she was still here, or that anyone else was even in the room for that matter. I nodded to reassure her.

  Giving myself a little shake to rattle the spell off me, I redirected my attention back to Blake, more in control of my flesh and bones. “Right. Jessie has a friend at The Backdoor. He’s been kind enough to offer me a job as long as it works out tonight.” I smiled.

  “Bartending, huh?” Blake grimaced, finally setting me free.

  “Yes, bartending. What’s that look?” The smile faded from my face and my eyebrows pulled together.

  “I don’t know. Are you sure that’s a good idea?” His leg bobbed up and down as if the news of my new job made him nervous, but I didn’t understand why.

  I shrugged it off. “Why not? I’m fully capable, and I need the money.”

  “I didn’t mean to imply you weren’t capable. I’m sure you are. It’s just, well . . . guys can get a little . . . pushy.” Blake rubbed his forehead and looked like he was searching for words that would change my decision.

  “Oh, you don’t have to worry about that,” Jessie reassured him. “Rick’s very protective of his employees. He has a no tolerance policy for that sort of stuff.”

  Wait, she’s reassuring him?

  “Rick?” His brows drew together, a hard line breaking between them.

  “The owner,” she clarified. “He’s my friend, the one giving her the shot. She’ll be able to pay for her rent after one night of tips with those looks.” Jessie smiled, pointing in my direction. She wasn’t helping my case. Not that I should have a case.

  “Oh.” He looked disappointed. “Well, what time do you start? In case I get . . . thirsty.”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. I didn’t even meet the guy yet. Who knows if he’s even going to like me.”

  Blake’s voice lowered as he scowled. “Oh, he’s gonna like you all right.”

  “Boy-friend,” I reminded him. “Why does no one remember this?” My patience was wearing thin.

  Blake’s eyes softened, turning my insides all gooey. “Just watch your back. I don’t trust it.”

  “I always do.” My voice was soft yet firm.

  Jessie pushed away from the table. “I’m heading out to class. Call me later, Eva, and I’ll give you the details.”

  “Will do. Bye, Mama. And thanks again.” I waved.

  Blake stood and extended his long fingers in my direction, offering me assistance. “I’m here to escort you to your next class, m’lady.”

  I smiled and took his hand. I’d let him have this. Besides, with him around, my shaky ass could probably use the help. “Why thank you, sir. You’re so kind.” I tried my best to cover up the chills coursing through me. I thought they were good chills; they felt different, like warm, fuzzy little effervescent bubblies.

  He kept my hand in his as we began the short walk to our English class. I looked up at him and raised a questioning eyebrow.

  “What? Best friends hold hands. Don’t they?” He squeezed my fingers a little tighter and looked ahead.

  “Yes, but . . .”

  “But what?” he pressed. “Don’t tell me we’re not best friends anymore. I can only handle one heart attack a day.”

  I sighed, muttering under my breath, “What am I gonna do with you?”

  “I can think of a few things.” A smirk played on his lips.

  “You’re so bad.” I nudged him with my free hand. “How am I supposed to be your friend when you’re always saying things like that?”

  “I’m just kidding, Angel. Lighten up.” He began to swing our hands like we were regular old sweethearts. “So how ‘bout that weather, huh?”

  “Yeah, yeah.” I laughed.

  We arrived at class, and he escorted me to his VIP section, twirling me before lowering me into my seat.

  “Such a gentleman.” I looked up at the chivalrous man before me. Wanting to reach out and touch him, I knotted my fists together.

  “Always.”

  He sat on top of my desk and peered down at me. Moving one finger across my forehead, he pushed aside stray hairs, then twirled the ends between his fingers. His sparkling eyes began to look heavy as his gaze slipped to my lips. “So how about Friday then?”

  “Huh?” I muttered, staring at his plump bottom lip.

  “Dinner.”

  “Oh.” Crap. Lie! “Studying.”

  He eyed me warily, as if he could see through my ruse. Unaffected, his finger left my hair to trace my jawline. That one fingertip was like a lighted match to my skin. “Saturday then?”

  Time for my go-to.

  I sat up straight, bringing my game-face back, although I felt the disappointment simmering beneath the surface of my mirage. “Going to visit my boyfriend.”

  He didn’t flinch—again. He just kept moving his thumb back and forth along my chin, driving me insane.

  Damn him!

  “Sunday then. And I won’t take no for an answer. I need to feed you.” His eyes stayed trained on my lips as his thumb stroked dangerously close to them.

  I swallowed, ignoring that fact. “You need to feed me?”

  “Yes. You’re wilting away.” He moved up to caress my cheekbones now. “What kind of best friend would I be if I didn’t feed you?”

  “I am not wilting away. I’m the same weight as always,” I said defensively, even though my voice lacked authority.

  He leaned in, placing his full palm to the side of my face to steady my gaze. His glinting eyes raked the length of my body before settling his determined stare on my green ones. “Sunday. You’re all mine on Sunday.”

  The air lodged in my throat, fighting with my esophagus to be set free. It felt like my insides were replaced by a swarm of fluttering butterflies.

  Is my heart quivering? Can the heart actually quiver? I can’t breathe. Oh god, I can’t breathe.

  “Are you all right?” His eyes widened as he dropped his hands to cup my shoulders. “Breathe!”

  Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

  Full. Blown. Panic attack.

  Run! Don’t let him see you!

  “I can’t do this.” I sprung up on shaking legs, grabbing my bag as an afterthought, and darted past him, making a run for the door.

  “Angel. Wait. I’m sorry!” he shouted, panic evident in
his voice.

  Not as sorry as I am.

  My legs ran and ran. I didn’t know where I was going, but I couldn’t stop. If I stopped, I would feel this and I didn’t want to feel it. I didn’t want to feel anything anymore. I kept trying to shut off my nerve endings, but they wouldn’t listen. They just hardened their resolve to continue the endless torture, making me victim to constant lashings day in and day out.

  My subconscious drove me to the last place I had felt happy and safe—Bertha.

  I threw myself at her feet, panting, and then it began. Uncontrollable tears and gut-wrenching sobs took over, and I curled up into a protective ball, shielding my face with my hair.

  When I finally opened my eyes, I was garnished in leaves, and I couldn’t help but wonder if Bertha was trying to conceal me from prying eyes while I broke down. The long hair atop her head seemed like it was hanging lower today and, when the wind blew, strands swept across my cheek, consoling me.

  I was so physically and mentally drained that I didn’t notice him approach. Startled, I couldn’t hide the look of panic that stretched across my face. He rushed to reassure me, jutting out his hands in a stopping motion.

  “Don’t run. I won’t come near you, I promise. Not until you say it’s okay. Just stay. Please.” He dipped his head in a non-threatening manner, searching me for reassurance. Lowering himself in front of me, a short distance away, he crisscrossed his legs. “I’m so sorry, Angel—”

  “Please, don’t. I’m embarrassed enough.”

  His eyes turned sharp, serious. “No! It’s not your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of, do you understand me? It’s me.” The harsh line of his shoulders curled in. “When I get around you, I just can’t help myself. I know I said I just want to be your friend, and I do, I swear I do, but something comes over me.” Pain showed through his eyes. “It’s weird, ya know? I don’t even think I understand it. We barely know each other. I know how crazy it seems, trust me, but all I can concentrate on is touching you in any way you’ll let me.”

  His focal point settled on my mouth. “Like right now. The hair you haven’t noticed is trapped in your chapstick. All I can think about is freeing it.” He gripped the blades of grass beside his thighs like he needed his hands distracted.