Seeing Your Face Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  She’d ordered what he liked. That Crystal knew him well enough to order for him gave him a positive feeling for the first time since they’d walked in.

  That feeling left seconds later when Betty asked. “And maybe a nice beer for Alvin? Or a decent wine?”

  Alvin waited for Crystal to say no or order him a soft drink. When she didn’t, he spoke up. “I’ll pass. Just a Pepsi for me.”

  “Suit yourself.” Betty shrugged. “We have some excellent wines. And our beer is locally brewed.”

  “I’m sure it’s quite good,” Alvin said. “It’s just that I don’t drink.”

  “I see.”

  Alvin caught the puzzled look Betty shot toward Crystal. He shifted on his chair, and stared at the table. Maybe he should have ordered a drink. But how could he? He’d never done anything like that in his life and wasn’t sure he wanted to start now.

  Crystal leaned toward him when Betty left. “You could have humored me, Alvin. What’s a little beer? It won’t kill you. And you’re not going to get drunk—not on one beer, if that’s what worried you.”

  Alvin glanced at Crystal’s expression. Was she hurt or angry? He couldn’t tell. “I’m sorry, Crystal, but I couldn’t.”

  The silence that fell between them stretched into long minutes. Crystal folded her hands on the table. “Alvin, don’t be so tense. Let’s enjoy this evening. You seem so uneasy, and yet this is me. This is part of my world. If you don’t like it, that’s fine. But let’s not let it come between us.”

  He forced himself to look at her again. “I suppose it’s okay,” he said. But inside he thought otherwise.

  Crystal seemed to sense his continued tension and spoke again. “I’m sorry you don’t feel like I do, Alvin. But consider my point of view. You drop in from who knows where—like from a town in medieval times. Sure, I like you. And your ancient ways hold charm, but I’m not from the world you left behind. I’m willing to make some changes…a little here and there. But you need to come my way too. And that includes this.” Crystal motioned around the room with her hands “I suppose it’s okay that you don’t drink, but are you going to have a problem if I do? I know I don’t want a disapproving man hovering over me every time I’m thirsty. Can you understand that?”

  “Yah, I see. It’s just not what I’m used to.”

  She studied him for a moment. “Then perhaps tonight can be a start. You can get used to something new. I suppose in a way this is my fault. I should have brought you here sooner, instead of springing it on you. This is one of my favorite places.”

  Alvin smiled, but the effort was weak. “You’re not to blame, Crystal. You were trying to come my way by cooking me an Amish supper. That was good of you.” He lapsed into silence. In spite of his brave words, his insides were in knots. He had no idea how he would eat the sandwich Crystal had ordered for him.

  Betty returned beaming brightly as she set plates of food and their drinks on the table. “Here we are! Delmar’s finest. Enjoy!”

  Crystal took a long sip of dark beer.

  Alvin grabbed his sandwich and tried not to stare as Crystal drank. The sight was almost too much for him. And praying openly for his food in this atmosphere was out of the question. Hopefully Da Hah would understand. How could Crystal do something like this? Yet he shouldn’t blame her or judge. Wasn’t he in the bann for choosing not to live in the ways of the community? What worse condition could one be in when it came to matters of the soul? Maybe he needed to get over these scruples since he’d been cast out of the church. A cold shiver traveled down his spine.

  Crystal sighed as she set the mug down. “There. That helps settle the nerves.”

  “Am I that nerve wracking?” Alvin asked, attempting a grin.

  Crystal gave him a wry look. “A little—but you’re worth it.” She reached across the table and squeezed his hand.

  Alvin felt his pulse quicken. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”

  “Yes. Are you having doubts about living out here?” she asked.

  “Yah.” He nodded slowly. “I won’t lie about it. But I do value our friendship.”

  “Is going beyond friendship with me…is that a problem for you, Alvin?” Crystal asked, looking at him intently.

  Was it? Alvin’s thoughts flew to his mamm’s letter. He pictured her sitting beside him now. What would she say? In a way she might be glad for this evening. She would be happy that he was seeing the Englisha world as it really was and that he wasn’t comfortable with it. That he didn’t go along with things out here very well. Pain throbbed in his chest.

  “Is it?” Crystal insisted, interrupting his thoughts.

  Alvin jerked his mind off Mamm and home and back to the present. “Nee,” he said. “I have never thought of you as a problem.”

  “Then perhaps it’s just what I do?” Crystal took in the room with a quick glance.

  “I suppose so,” Alvin allowed.

  “You’re not expecting me to change, are you?” Crystal gave him a penetrating look. “I’m not a farm girl, Alvin. Nor am I a…” she hesitated, searching for the words. “A religious freak,” she finished.

  Alvin’s face twitched. “Is that what I am?”

  Crystal gave a short laugh. “I didn’t think so at first. You seemed decent, solid, hard-working, and sweet. All of which is refreshing to see in a man. I just wasn’t expecting this…this hesitancy about something so basic, so social.” Crystal raised her glass and took a sip.

  Alvin watched her and then looked away.

  “I’m sorry this makes you uncomfortable, Alvin. But think about it. Think how very uncomfortable I’d be in the world you came from. Tell me something. Didn’t you come here to get away from that religion and way of life? If so, why not let go and embrace your new one?”

  Alvin thought for a moment. “I guess I really don’t know the answer. I know I’m not living like I ought. The ministry back home put me in the bann, Crystal. They excommunicated me.” He leaned forward to emphasize the importance of what he was saying.

  Crystal appeared incredulous. “Why are you worried about what some priest says? And what on earth did you do to get thrown out?”

  “I left the Amish community for the Englisha world.”

  “That’s it? That’s all? And they kicked you out of church for moving here? I thought maybe you did something really wrong.”

  “It is pretty serious,” Alvin said. “At least in my world. And we don’t have priests.”

  Crystal shrugged and said, “Whatever they’re called, Alvin, get over it. This is the world you’re living in now. It’s not perfect. It has sorrows, and woes, and broken hearts. Out here in this world, we find ways to get by.” She glanced at her mug, lifted it, and took another sip of her beer. “Would you like to give this a try?”

  Alvin didn’t answer.

  Crystal continued. “Yes, we have sorrows, Alvin. You very obviously have them too. So do I; so does everyone. You’re not alone. We just learn to get past them the best we can. We move from one sorrow to the next joy. And then we wait for the next sorrow…and the next joy.”

  Crystal had a faraway look in her eyes. She seemed to be remembering something. Was it a sorrow of her own? Alvin wondered. But he just listened and waited. She went on and on, almost as if he wasn’t present.

  “Richard told me, ‘You’re the sweetest, my darling. But now is not the right time for us to have a baby. Let’s lose this one, and we’ll be okay. It’s not even a baby yet anyway. We can have a hundred more when we’re ready, when we’re set financially and ready to settle down. Then, not now. We love each other, don’t we?’ ”

  Alvin reached for Crystal’s hand, but she pulled away. “In the end, love wasn’t enough. First it was the betrayals…and then the arguments…and then the silence…and then the lawyers. So much for love. But you…you’re different, Alvin. You keep your promises, don’t you? You love with all of your heart. Only…only…I’m not good enough for you to love, am I? I’m not part of your world
…even if you think you’ve left it.”

  “Crystal, please!” He took her hand again. “You shouldn’t talk like that.”

  She met his gaze. “I bet you have something against divorced women, don’t you?”

  Her words cut deep and he blinked hard.

  Deep sorrow accompanied by tears filled her eyes when he didn’t answer. “That’s what I thought, Alvin. That’s why I didn’t tell you. But you might as well know. I need to know if it’s something you can get past.”

  When he just looked away, Crystal pushed her uneaten food aside and got to her feet. “Let’s go, Alvin. I know your answer.”

  Alvin paid the bill while Crystal went outside. He half expected she’d be gone when he stepped out on the street, but she was waiting beside the door with Brutus. He fell into step with them as they headed back toward their apartment complex. Alvin didn’t know what to say. He felt an awful hollowness inside. He knew he needed to say something. “I’m sorry about this evening,” he said softly. “I didn’t mean for things to turn out this way.”

  “Perhaps it’s for the best,” Crystal said, her shoulders slumped. Brutus must have sensed her mood because he made no effort to tug at the leash.

  “I wish I could change things, but I can’t,” Alvin offered.

  “I wouldn’t really want you to.” Crystal managed a smile and took his hand for a moment. “I like you just the way you are. You’re always a gentleman, Alvin.”

  He returned her smile. “Thanks, but I’m no gentleman.”

  She glanced at him. “Are there more like you where you came from?”

  “I guess I’m not much different from the rest,” he acknowledged. “Once I straighten things out with the church, that is.”

  Her face brightened. “Maybe I can visit your community someday.”

  “Maybe,” he said, his voice low.

  Crystal sighed. “I hope she’s still waiting for you back there.”

  “Who would that be?” Alvin asked.

  Crystal didn’t answer for a moment. “You know who. And I envy her.”

  “I’m not sure she’s still there.” Alvin heard the tremor in his voice.

  “Then shame on her.”

  Alvin kept his gaze on the sidewalk.

  Her hand found his. “Don’t leave for home without my phone number, Alvin. Just in case you change your mind.” He nodded, and his silence said all she needed to know. Some things couldn’t be changed. “But until you leave, Brutus and I are available for walks in the park. That won’t kill you, will it?”

  “No, of course not.” He squeezed her hand as they approached the apartments again.

  Brutus wagged his tail and tugged at the leash.

  Thirty-Seven

  The following Sunday evening, Melvin drove Ida home from the hymn singing. As she waited beside the buggy, Melvin tied Red Rover to the hitching post. The moonbeams were so bright Ida could see the lines on her palms. Melvin finished with the tie rope and came back to stand in front of her. His face, half shadowed by his beard, glowed with happiness.

  “You look beautiful tonight!” he whispered as his arm slipped around Ida’s shoulders. He drew her close, and his lips found hers. They embraced for a long time, until Ida pushed away.

  “It’s not the wedding day yet,” she said.

  His smile spread over his face. “It soon will be! It’s not many more weeks now.”

  “And so much work still needing done.” Ida’s voice caught, and her gaze took in the shadowed buildings around the farm. “Mamm is worried we won’t be ready in time.”

  “You will be, don’t worry.” Melvin took Ida’s hand in his and led her toward the house. “You don’t have to make such a fuss, you know. I’ve made that clear from the beginning.”

  Ida sighed. “There wouldn’t be much fuss on my part, but Mamm won’t hear of it. She says it’s my first wedding even though it isn’t yours.”

  A shadow crossed Melvin’s face. “I know you deserve better than a widower like me, Ida.”

  “It makes no difference to me,” Ida protested.

  He silenced her with a touch of his fingers on her lips. “I’m glad you feel that way. I loved Mary dearly, but there’s a new and precious love for you growing in my heart. Different, yah, but equally precious.”

  Ida leaned against his shoulder. “I don’t doubt that, Melvin. And I will love you as if there had never been another woman in your life.”

  Melvin’s hand tightened in hers. “My heart is warmed by your words tonight, Ida. I never dreamed I could feel like this.”

  “Do you think we’ll have a long life together?” Ida asked as she glanced up at his face and opened the front door.

  A kerosene lamp had been left burning on the mantle for them. Melvin’s face was soft in the low light. “Surely you don’t think I slay women by my very presence, Ida?”

  A gentle laugh escaped Ida’s lips. “Of course I don’t. I was just hoping out loud.”

  “I pray that we live to see our old days together.” Melvin led her to the couch and motioned for her to sit.

  Ida resisted. “I have a piece of cherry pie for you—and a glass of milk. Let me get that first.”

  “The pie and milk can wait.” Melvin sat down and tugged on her arm. “I want to look at you, you know, and maybe…” He let the thought dangle.

  Ida sat down. “No more kissing tonight! Okay?”

  He sighed. “You’re right, as always.” When Ida didn’t answer, he continued. “You’ll be a wunderbah frau, you know. The way you already get along with the children and with me…I don’t know why I should be so blessed—and twice in a row.”

  “Maybe you deserve it.” Ida reached up to touch his beard. “You’ve suffered, Melvin. With losing Mary and taking care of the children on your own. But Da Hah does give back what He takes away.”

  Melvin nodded. “This is the truth…and wisely spoken.”

  “Do you place much stock in dreams?” Her gaze searched his face.

  Melvin shrugged. “Nee, but why? Are you a dreamer?” A smile played on his face.

  “I’m afraid not. But when Verna was home the other week, she told me about a dream she had. It was quite vivid. There was a funeral, and Verna thinks it was Joe in the casket but she couldn’t really see. When she awoke, her heart was all torn up. She hasn’t been able to shake the memory. Do you think there’s any truth to that sort of thing?”

  “Of course not.” His voice was confident. “Da Hah decides such things, and we shouldn’t worry about them.”

  “That’s what I told Verna.” Ida settled into the couch.

  “Was your sister talking about this in public?” Melvin had a look of disapproval on his face.

  Ida hastened to answer. “Nee, it was in private. I don’t think she’s even told Mamm or Debbie. And Debbie usually gets to hear everything Verna thinks. The two of them have more schemes up their sleeves than one would think possible.”

  Melvin laughed. “I can imagine that. What are they up to now?”

  “I don’t know,” Ida said, “but I suspect they have their heads together about Alvin Knepp. What they plan to do, I have no idea.”

  “But he’s in the bann.” Melvin was horrified. “Surely they’re not reaching out to him—two women like that?”

  Ida touched his arm. “Look, it’s harmless I’m sure. The two of them set Alvin up with Debbie at Verna’s wedding, and a lot of gut that did them. They probably would do the same thing at our wedding if they could.”

  “They’re not planning it, are they?” Melvin stared at her. “You know such a thing isn’t possible.”

  Ida gave a nervous laugh. “Verna wouldn’t—once it comes down to it. What I’m really worried about is Lois. She’s asked to take part in the wedding—as my witness for the family. I told her I’d ask you.”

  Melvin was silent for a moment.

  Ida worried that this had been the wrong time to mention this, but it was too late now. She finally ventured, “I under
stand if you don’t agree to it. Mamm told Lois nee, but she begged so I consented to ask you.”

  “Would she agree to dress Amish for the day?” Melvin’s face was stern. “I hear she’s been visiting in some worldly clothes.”

  Ida blushed as she thought of how Lois must appear to the community. She did dress badly enough when she visited. Ida’s voice trembled. “She said she would dress Amish the entire day. But maybe we’d better not even consider it.”

  Melvin held up his hand. “Let’s think about it. Maybe Lois’s heart would be softened if she’s allowed to be your witness—if she dresses properly, of course. And I’d like to have my brother Phillip as the witness on my side of the family.” Melvin thought for a moment again. “If he’ll do it, which he might not. He has issues with our family—Ben mostly. Phillip has always made a lot of noises about leaving the faith.”

  “I noticed you haven’t mentioned him in a while.” Ida was all sympathy.

  Melvin nodded. “Phillip lives in Lancaster now. Hopefully he’s settling down. Maybe if he knows Lois is being asked, it’ll help him decide.”

  “I’m sorry about your brother.” Ida kept her voice steady. “And Lois too. She’ll dress properly. I’ll see to that.”

  “Then why don’t we ask both of them?” A smile crept across Melvin’s face. “I kind of like the idea.”

  “You’re such a kind man.” Ida took both of his hands in hers. “I don’t deserve you at all.”

  His head bent toward her but Ida pulled back.

  “Oh, nee! No more of that, remember?”

  Melvin laughed. “You don’t forget, do you? But not many more weeks now…” He gave her a meaningful look. “I guess I’ll have to be satisfied with thoughts of kissing you goodnight when I leave.”

  Ida didn’t answer as heat rose up her neck. She jumped to her feet and rushed into the kitchen. She got out the pie and milk and prepared it for him. She carried his cherry pie on a plate and offered him a glass of milk when she got back into the living room.

  He gave her another long look before he took the pie and milk and dug in.