Pride and Groom

by Gibson, Tannya

  "Making dollhouses is not very butch."

  Lexi was genuinely surprised. "Is your image that important to you?"

  "Not being laughed at like I'm a freak is important to me."

  Zoe's pain tore at Lexi's heart. "You're not a freak."

  "I don't care if people know that I'm a lesbian," Zoe said roughly. "What they think and feel about how I dress and what I do for a living is irrelevant. But when they find out about this they use it like a weapon to make me feel like I'm playing at being a woman. I do this out of love and they use it to make me feel like a mutant. I expect derision and contempt over my sexuality. Part of coming out is figuring out how not to care about that. But I have no defense when it comes to this."

  Lexi took another long look at Zoe's art. "Only a freak would use this as a weapon. It's extraordinary and it just proves that the woman I spent the day with is as unique and complex as I thought."

  Zoe's sigh of relief was completely overdone and Lexi laughed with her.

  "I have something for you that you should get a kick out of," Zoe grinned.

  "A present?"

  "A memento." Zoe left the room and Lexi followed her down the hall and into her bedroom. Blues and greens dominated and, in contrast to the living room, the walls were almost bare. A four poster king-size bed took most of the floor space and while Zoe's back was turned, Lexi surreptitiously leaned on it to test the firmness.

  "Go ahead," Zoe encouraged.

  Lexi saw Zoe's reflection watching her in a mirror and she laughed at herself as she crawled onto the bed. Zoe dropped onto the bed next to her and held out a framed photograph. Lexi giggled at the signed picture of the Superlatives with Zoe in the center and a string of safety pins hanging from one corner.

  "Do you like it?"

  "I love it!" Lexi laughed. "Nana has to see this. I know she didn't understand what I was talking about and this will make her hoot."

  "It was kind of fun. Not the dress part so much as the choreography and the feeling of being part of a huge joke." Zoe replayed some of the arm motions from that night and sent them both into another bout of giggles.

  "Do you have any other hidden talents I should know about?"

  "Hmm," Zoe mused. "Aside from playing pool, imitating a drag queen and making dollhouses? I'm sure a few things will pop up down the road, but I think that about covers the main attractions. "

  Lexi slipped a hand onto Zoe's thigh and slowly rubbed it through the tight denim. "There are some things I want to ask you about when you're up for it."

  "Like what?"

  "Well, you drop hints about things and then back off, but I don't want to pressure you about them, so let's start with why I've never seen you smoke."

  "It's a nasty, expensive habit and I don't want you to think of me as a smoker. I'm down to three a day and by this time next month I hope to be an ex-smoker."

  "How many have you had today?"

  "None."

  "Do you need one now?"

  Zoe rolled over her and lay her head on Lexi's shoulder. "Not if it means leaving your side."

  Lexi enfolded her in her arms and rubbed her face over the spiky blond hair. "I won't mind if you have one."

  "I don't want it to be okay with you. I've made all sorts of rules about when and where I can smoke and if I have one now it will just be easier to break other rules. I don't need one right now. What else do you want to know about?"

  Lexi weighed her questions. "Well, tell me about your dog. What happened to her?"

  Zoe sighed. "Reba was a lab/husky mix. I found her in New Mexico on the side of the road after someone else hit her with a car and I took her to a vet. She was just so damn happy to see me and I fell in love with her. I paid to have her fixed up and then she died of cancer last year. I ended up having her put down because I couldn't bear to see her suffer anymore and it about killed me." Zoe rolled away to pick up a picture off the nightstand and handed it to her.

  Zoe was on one knee with her arm around a pure black dog with a great many husky features.

  "She was the best friend I ever had."

  "That's how I feel about Cricket," Lexi empathized. "I'm sorry she died. I would have liked to have met her."

  "I thought about bringing her to you for grooming, but you were with Brenda and it seemed too much like engineering a meeting with you."

  "Would that have been such a bad thing?"

  "Not necessarily, but I've always been concerned about letting my feelings for you become obsessive. That was one of several reasons I went into the military. I felt that I should get away from the temptation of pursuing you and become someone first. I was afraid of letting myself become defined by my feelings for you."

  Lexi turned this information over in her mind. "You really have had a thing for me all this time, haven't you?"

  "I don't think I ever really believed that anything would come of it. But this is so much different from what I imagined that it's not the same thing at all. The differences in who you really are make it feel like a new thing."

  "It makes me feel kind of good," Lexi admitted. "Knowing that all these years there was someone out there who loved me and I didn't even know it. It makes me wish I had known."

  "I needed to go out into the world before this had a chance of happening."

  Lexi kissed Zoe's forehead. "Why else did you go into the Army?"

  "Promise you won't laugh?"

  "No."

  "I have problems with authority."

  Lexi giggled. "And the military was a solution?"

  "It seemed like it at the time. My parents wanted me to go to college and they used the military as a threat thinking that I would take what they saw as the easy way out. I was feeling pretty rebellious at the time and I knew that they wouldn't approve. Plus, I'd just finished school and I couldn't see taking the same classes over again. It seemed too much like jumping through hoops to me." Zoe snuggled closer before going on. "Also, I wanted to find out what I could do. The idea of being pushed to my physical limits was appealing to me."

  "So, why did you deflect me earlier about the things you didn't like about the Army?"

  Zoe remained still for a long time. "Are you sure you want to talk about this?"

  "You obviously don't," Lexi said gently. "Maybe if you tell me why you don't want to talk about it?"

  Zoe was quiet for another long moment. "When you talked about your mom and your childhood, were you worried about how I would react?"

  "A little. I didn't want you to get upset and angry over it because it was ancient history. It was a relief when you didn't."

  "I was furious. I didn't have to work that Saturday morning. I went out to the range and shot things until I felt better."

  Lexi felt a mix of guilt that Zoe had been upset by it and a rush of warmth that she had been so affected. "Are you worried that I'll feel something like that?"

  Zoe nodded.

  "Then let's get it over with." Zoe buried her face in her breasts and Lexi turned to hold her tighter. She slipped her leg over Zoe's hip and hugged her with everything she had. "Just tell me, Zoe. You're scaring me."

  Zoe spoke into her neck in broken words. "I was in trouble for fooling around in the shop and my CO made me stand guard over a fence post on the base perimeter with a mock rifle. I fell asleep and a couple of drunk, off duty MP's found me and decided to teach me a lesson. They raped me."

  Lexi was unable to hold in a strangled "No!" She felt as if her world had dropped out from beneath her.

  "I fought them as hard as I could, but they don't teach you how to fight something like that. And the harder I fought the more they hurt me. They threw my clothes over the fence and left me there in the dark. I wanted to die."

  "Oh, Zoe," Lexi sobbed quietly. "You poor thing."

  "I couldn't get my clothes back so I walked back to the infirmary. I still don't know how I made it." Zoe seemed to be in the grip of relentless memory. "I was in bed for a week. They called my parents and told them it was
a training accident and I only had minor injuries. I guess since I didn't need surgery it was minor to them, but it didn't feel minor and it wasn't a training accident. I'd never been with a man before. It was like being mauled by aliens. Imagine the most horrific creature possible and then imagine it wanting to mate with you. Even that doesn't describe the way it really was."

  "What happened to them?"

  "Nothing. I was encouraged to let it go in exchange for not being held accountable for deserting my post."

  "What?" Lexi was enraged and horrified. She couldn't even begin to speak the outrage she felt.

  "My father came to see that I was alright the day before I got out of the infirmary and he broke down and sobbed like a baby when he found out. I don't think he ever felt like I had failed him, but there was nothing he could do against an organization like the Army and it made him feel helpless. It was a long time before he understood why I needed to finish out my hitch, but he let me do it and on the day I was discharged he spat in my CO's face."

  "Good for him!" Lexi inwardly cheered for him.

  Zoe's voice brightened. "My mother was the one who accomplished the most. She was livid. She made me tell their names, and I still don't know how she did it, but she found their mothers and told them what their sons had done. I got written apologies from all three of them."

  Lexi laughed through her tears. "Your parents sound great."

  "They are. I've been really lucky in that department."

  "Why did you finish your hitch?"

  "God, that was so hard. It was almost a year and I hated every minute of it, but I had to beat them. They wanted me to accept an early discharge, but I needed to prove that I wasn't a quitter. It felt like they wanted me to admit that I was weak because I was a woman and it was expected that we couldn't take it like a man. As if a man in the military has to deal with anything as intolerable as being gang-raped. I spent years in group therapy and I still have trouble with it from time to time."

  "I'm so sorry that happened to you, Zoe. I can't even imagine how horrible it was for you."

  Zoe sighed. "I can't imagine what it was like finding out that your mother didn't love you."

  Lexi leaned back to look into Zoe's face. "You can't equate the two. They're not the same at all."

  "But they're both horrible. Does it matter if one is worse than the other? Bad is bad and it serves no purpose to compare them as if pain is a contest." Zoe wiped tears from both their cheeks. "So, do you need to shoot something?"

  Lexi smiled weakly. "I've never shot a gun in my life."

  "It's easier than swimming," Zoe said lightly. "Is there anything else you want to know about before I take a shower?"

  "Just one thing. Is your house always this neat or did you clean up just for me?"

  Zoe laughed and hugged her again. "I haven't cleaned in a week, but thanks for the compliment."

  ~***~

  After they both showered they made love again and spent most of the night talking. Lexi hadn't bothered to even go home and change her clothes before heading over to Nana's home to give the Murdocks the morning off for sleeping in and going to church. She happily bounced her way tiredly through waking all the residents and making them breakfast, then spent the bulk of the morning in the garden with her grandmother telling her about her day with Zoe. After making lunch and welcoming the Murdocks home, she hugged her grandmother and accepted her good wishes and took Cricket with her.

  She felt entirely too happy and needed to talk so decided to pay an unexpected visit to Jay and Freddie. With a goofy grin on her face she knocked on the door. Freddie opened the door and after a brief look of shock he reached out and pulled her into the house.

  "Where have you been?" he demanded. "We looked everywhere for you! Did you see her?"

  "I spent most of the day with her and we talked all night," Lexi said with a hint of embarrassment. "It was incredible."

  Freddie threw his hands up in disgust and flounced out to the back deck. "She's here," she heard him say. "She looks like she's in love."

  Lexi reeled at the venom in his voice and couldn't hide the betrayal she felt when Jay stepped into the room. "I came here to share my happiness with you and this is what I get? I thought you would be glad for me!"

  "I'm sorry, Lexi," Jay said as her put an arm over her shoulders. "It's just that happiness was not quite what we expected and you know how dramatic Freddie can be. Especially after what she did to you."

  Lexi was completely baffled. "What are you talking about? What did she do to me?"

  Jay froze in shock. "Wait a minute," he said slowly. "Where have you been?"

  "With Zoe, of course."

  Joy spread across his features and he hugged her hard against his chest. "Freddie! Get your ass in here!"

  Freddie was in a full blown snit and stopped in the doorway with his arms crossed sulkily over his chest. "Don't expect me to approve," he said.

  "She was with Zoe," Jay said pleasantly.

  Understanding flashed across Freddie's face and he threw his arms up again. "Well, why didn't you say so? This is wonderful news!"

  Lexi pushed herself away from them both, still hurt and angry. "What are you two talking about? I came here to tell you that I had the best day of my life."

  Both men reached for her in concern. "She's back," Jay said gently.

  "Who's back?" she asked, even though she was afraid she knew.

  "Brenda. She came by here yesterday just before lunch looking for you."

  Lexi backed up and sagged into a chair. "Oh, God. This can't be happening."

  Freddie pulled a chair over and sat down in front of her. "Tell me about Zoe. What happened with you two?"

  "I think I'm falling in love with her," she said absently. All of her new and exciting feelings were in danger of being overwhelmed with unresolved issues and Lexi reeled. "Where is she?"

  "She said something about being at home," Jay said tentatively. "I understood that to mean that she's staying at your house."

  Disbelief grabbed her by the hair and shook her. "She's in my house?" Anger propelled her to her feet and out the door.

  Freddie grabbed her arm halfway down the walk and stopped her. "You have to be calm when you see her," he warned. "She was always good at twisting your emotions, pelliroja. Don't go there until you are ready."

  "He's right," Jay added. "You can stay here for awhile if you want. We won't tell her where you are if she calls."

  Reason made a comeback and Lexi took a calming breath. "You're right. Thanks for reminding me." She looked around and rested her eyes on Zoe's car. "I think I'll return Zoe's car and have her drive me home later. I need to tell her anyway."

  Both men hugged her warmly and Freddie apologized for his behavior. Lexi let Cricket back into the car and drove across town to Zoe's apartment. She compulsively checked every car she saw to see if it was Brenda's and by the time she knocked on Zoe's door she felt as though she had been hunted all day.

  Zoe greeted Cricket gladly before getting a good look at Lexi's face. "Good God! What's wrong?"

  "Brenda's back."

  All of the color leeched out of Zoe's face and Lexi could see her heart breaking. "So you've seen her?"

  "I came here first," Lexi said and saw a measure of hope reassert itself.

  "I'm glad you did," Zoe said. "I was afraid of something like this. Maybe it's good that it happened now."

  Lexi stepped inside and Zoe shut the door. "How can it be good? Apparently she's still got a house key and she's already made herself at home."

  Cricket was busily sniffing his way around Zoe's apartment, checking out all the new smells. Lexi sat on the couch and when Zoe joined her she moved over to snuggle under her arm. "I know I have to go home and deal with this, but can I stay here for a bit and get my bearings?"

  "Of course. You're always welcome here. Stay as long as you like."

  Zoe's voice was careful and correct and it made Lexi feel apprehensive. "Are you okay?"

&n
bsp; "Well, it wasn't the news I was hoping for today, I admit that. But maybe it's just as well."

  Lexi felt like Zoe was withdrawing from her and it added fear into the mix. "What are you saying?"

  Zoe turned to face her. "I'm not sure how to say this without rambling, so bear with me." She took a deep breath and continued. "Do you remember telling me that you had unresolved issues with Brenda?"

  "I said it to myself not 20 minutes ago," Lexi said.

  "Well, I want you to resolve them. What I care about most is that you are happy and if that means that you end up with Brenda and not me, then so be it."

  "You think I'll be happier with Brenda?" Lexi couldn't believe her ears.

  "I don't know. This is what I'm trying to say. You were with her for six years, right? That sounds like a successful relationship to me and maybe you'll be happiest if you can work it out with her. You and I had one really amazing day, but it may not be enough to base a relationship on. I know that I love you, but I don't think you know for sure how you feel about me. Especially since you aren't sure how you feel about Brenda."

  Lexi got up off the couch and began pacing in frustration.

  "I'm not telling you to be with Brenda," Zoe clarified. "And it isn't that I don't want you in my life. I just want you to be clear about what you want and now you have an opportunity to find out. I think you should take advantage of it."

  "What do you want, Zoe? This isn't just about me."

  "You know what I want, Lexi. I'm clear about how I feel about you and I don't know Brenda, so this is about you. Tell me: how do you feel about me? Do you love me?"

  Lexi wanted to say that she was falling in love. The words fought to break free, but she just couldn't say them. "I'm sorry, Zoe. I just don't know."

  "I know that you have feelings for me," Zoe said with tears in her eyes. "You aren't the kind of woman who could fake what we felt yesterday and last night. But I knew then, just as I know now, that you really don't know how you feel and I accept that. You aren't hurting my feelings because you can't say what I want to hear. If you ever do say it, I'll know it's the truth. Yes! I want you to love me, but I really do want you to be happy. That's what I've always wanted."