Pride and Groom

by Gibson, Tannya

  "Aren't you worried or scared that I'll choose Brenda over you?"

  Zoe snorted and wiped tears from her face. "Terrified."

  Lexi sat back down and took Zoe's hand in her own. "This may not be something I can do in just one day, you know."

  Zoe cupped her face with a warm hand. "I expect not."

  Lexi wanted nothing more in that moment than to stay in Zoe's arms forever. "Should I call a cab or will you drive me home?"

  "What do you want?"

  "I want you to drive me home."

  ~***~

  Lexi watched Zoe until she turned the corner and was gone. Brenda's car was in its usual place and she resented the normalcy of it. Wishing she could just run away she called Cricket to her side and went to the front door. It opened as she reached it and Brenda was there.

  "Hi, honey. I'm home," Brenda said with a bashful smile.

  Lexi felt resentment wash over her. "That doesn't even begin to sound funny," she said as she walked inside. "What are you doing here?"

  "I came to my senses and came home to see if we could work things out. I know you're hurt and angry, but…"

  Lexi held up her hand and Brenda's words came to an abrupt halt. "You've been gone for almost six months. You have no idea how I feel. I'm not sure you ever did. I want to know why you are in my house."

  Brenda looked down at her feet and shoved her hands in her pockets. "I didn't have anywhere else to stay. I came here and you were gone. Jay and Freddie didn't know where you were, but they probably wouldn't have told me even if they did. I drove by your grandmother's home, but your car wasn't there and I didn't think she would want to see me either. I used the spare key to get in when it started to get dark."

  Lexi held her hand out and waited. It took a minute for Brenda to realize what she wanted, but she eventually fished the key out of her pocket and handed it over.

  "How will I get in when you aren't here?"

  Lexi seethed. "It hasn't yet been decided that you will stay."

  "Look, I was a jerk. I admit that. The way I left was selfish and mean. You didn't deserve it and I'm so sorry that I did that to you."

  Lexi felt herself getting sucked into Brenda's contrition. That so familiar face and the voice she spent six years loving were begging for understanding and all of the old customary habits and feelings slid back into place. Lexi closed her eyes and pictured Zoe watching her from the water's edge with love shining from her eyes. Clarity was like a breath of fresh air. She opened her eyes and listened as Brenda continued.

  "I thought about you every day and I knew right away that I had made a huge mistake. We had something good for six years and I threw it away on a whim. It's like I was crazy or something. I don't know what I was thinking then, but I've done a lot of thinking since then and I'm hoping that we can at least talk and find out if it's possible for things to work out between us. Six years is a long time to just throw away because one of us made a mistake."

  "A mistake?" Lexi's voice rose. "That's what we're going to call it? A mistake? You left me without any warning that you were unhappy to chase after someone you didn't even know and you call it a mistake? It looked to me like you knew exactly what you were doing. I just found out a couple of weeks ago that you gave notice at your job. That sounds like something you planned, not a mistake." Lexi started to leave the room and swung back. "You made love to me the night before you left. Why did you do that? Why would you make love to me and then pack and leave in twenty minutes flat? Do you have any idea how that made me feel?"

  Brenda looked genuinely ashamed and Lexi felt like an ogre but her anger was justified. "Where were you? Where did you go?"

  "Does it matter?"

  "Yes."

  "Springfield, Missouri," Brenda said reluctantly.

  "What was her name?"

  "Is that what you're upset about? You think I cheated on you?"

  "What was her name?" Lexi repeated.

  Brenda walked over to the couch and sat down. "Jenny Mason, but nothing ever happened between us."

  Lexi didn't know whether to be relieved or not. "How much money do you have left?"

  "That's not really your business," Brenda said.

  "If you have any hope of staying here, you'll answer anything I ask you whether you think I have a right to know or not."

  Brenda looked at her in disbelief, then reached into her pocket and sorted through some bills. "Eighty-six dollars, more or less."

  Lexi walked over to a window and tried to gather her thoughts.

  "Can we at least talk about us?" Brenda asked behind her. "Are you seeing someone else? Is that why you didn't come home last night?"

  Lexi turned slowly in an effort to assert some control over her emotions. "Where I was is not something I want to talk about with you right now. Maybe not ever."

  "You're right. It's none of my business." Brenda chewed on her thumbnail and Lexi knew it as a habit signaling when she was worried. "I'm going to go out tomorrow and look for a job. I would really appreciate a place to stay for a couple of weeks while I get back on my feet. I know I'm asking for a lot and I don't deserve any kindness from you, but I'm asking because once you loved me."

  Lexi wanted to stay angry, but it was making her tired and it was no way to begin figuring out what she felt. "You broke my heart," she said softly.

  Brenda looked up at her with sad eyes. "I know. I'm so sorry."

  "I don't know if it's something that can be fixed."

  "I'd like a chance to try if you think it's possible. Just tell me what you want."

  Lexi thought of Zoe and shook her head. "I don't know what I want." Needing to be alone for a while and exhausted by all of the events and emotions of the past thirty-six hours, Lexi picked up Cricket and walked towards her room.

  "Lexi?"

  "You know where the bedding is," she said without turning. "You can sleep on the couch tonight and we'll talk tomorrow."

  Chapter Ten

  Lexi woke to the smell of coffee and toast. Reluctant to face Brenda so soon she took a shower and dressed for work before making herself go out to find her at the table with the local paper.

  "Good morning," Brenda offered. "There's coffee and bagels and I'll be leaving in a few minutes. Did you sleep well?"

  "Yes, thank you." The familiarity of this morning scene was unsettling and comforting all at once.

  "I don't mean to hit you with a lot this early in the morning, but is it okay for me to use your phone number on job applications?"

  Lexi poured herself a cup of fresh coffee and sat down. She looked into Brenda's brown eyes and let herself remember all of the times they had spent together. "I have a few ground rules we need to discuss."

  "Of course," Brenda said with relief.

  "You can stay for one month and then we will talk about what comes next. Don't bring anyone here and keep your things picked up. I don't want my house looking like someone's 'crib'. You are welcome to whatever food you need until you get your first paycheck and then you buy your own." Lexi watched to see that Brenda understood each item. "No long distance calls and no Internet. If you need to use the computer for making a resume that's okay."

  "Actually, I used it yesterday," Brenda said tentatively. "I only printed one. I'll get it copied today, but I didn't use it for anything else."

  "That's fine. Also, while I'm working I expect you to be working at getting a job. I don't want you here during the day. Is this acceptable for you?"

  "You're being very generous," Brenda said sincerely. "Thank you."

  "Don't make any assumptions about us, okay?"

  Brenda looked away with a nod and Lexi went to her shop to prepare for her day. As she unlocked the door and put out the Open sign she saw Brenda drive away. She was soon busy working and she hoped that she appeared to be acting normally, but she felt a crushing despondency and every minute seemed like an hour.

  Freddie came by shortly after eleven with a worried look on his face. "You look terrible," he sai
d softly.

  Lexi blinked away tears. "Don't make me cry, Freddie. I feel bad enough as it is."

  He sat down on the edge of the chair and waited silently.

  Lexi knew he was dying to know what was going on and she marveled at his restraint. "Promise you won't judge me or get mad and I'll fill you in."

  "Deal."

  "I'm giving her a place to stay for one month and she's sleeping on the couch while she looks for a job." She could see him chewing on the inside of his mouth to keep silent and it made her smile. The bell over the door tinkled and Freddie sat quietly while she returned one dog to her pleased owner and another owner brought his dog in to be groomed. When they were alone again, Freddie offered to bathe her next dog and she accepted. He had done this before and she appreciated the help.

  "Are you going to tell me about Zoe?" he asked over his shoulder while rinsing.

  Lexi sighed at the wave of longing that swept over her and hid a grin at the smile on his face. "Have you ever had a perfect day?"

  "That good?"

  "Better," she admitted shyly.

  "So, what did you do?" he sing-songed.

  "She took me up to a place in the mountains on the river. It was so beautiful, Freddie. It was like being on a deserted island. We didn't see anybody else all day."

  Jay blew into the room and looked at both of them with concern. Lexi burst out laughing at his expression and her depression lifted enough to let some light in.

  "What did I miss?" Jay demanded.

  "I love you guys," she blurted out.

  "We love you, too, pelliroja," Freddie said. "The wayward philanderer is sleeping on the couch for a month," he said in an aside to Jay. "She was just going to tell us all about her perfect day in a mountain paradise with the mechanic."

  Jay sat down expectantly and crossed his legs.

  "She told me about the dollhouses," she said to him. "Have you seen them?"

  "Only in pictures," Jay said. "I was impressed."

  "She's working on a Victorian right now and it's amazing. The detail on it is incredible. She has a real gift."

  "Did you make love?" Freddie asked impatiently.

  Lexi blushed so hard she thought she might faint and Freddie's laughter rang in her ears. "That is none of your business."

  Freddie finished towel-drying the Shih Tzu and put him in a cage, then walked over to sit on the arm of Jay's chair. "So, what else did you do?"

  Lexi shook her head with a laugh. "We talked. I know that isn't very exciting for you, but it was for me. She's not at all what I expected."

  "You're not going to stop seeing her now that Brenda is back, are you?" Jay asked hopefully.

  "I don't know," Lexi said and felt an ache start in her heart. "I barely know her, but I already feel like she's somehow necessary to me and it scares the hell out of me. I don't know if I can trust my feelings. After all, I thought everything was okay between Brenda and I."

  "You did tell Zoe that Brenda was back, didn't you?"

  "Of course." Lexi kissed and patted the pound puppy she had just finished, put him in the pen to wait and swept the floor as she recounted her conversation with Zoe. Both men looked thoughtful when she was finished and Lexi waited with quiet dread for them to speak.

  "I'm just going to have to meet her," Freddie finally said. "She sounds like quite the woman."

  "I hope you're not going to do anything behind my back," Lexi warned. "My life is complicated enough right now."

  "Maybe if you invite her to dinner we could just happen to drop by," Freddie said hopefully.

  "With Brenda here?" Jay said. "Maybe we could invite her to dinner at our place and Lexi could come over."

  Lexi sighed. "Give me some time, fella's. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and I've got to get my head on straight."

  ~***~

  Brenda was on her best behavior all week. She was attentive and unobtrusive, following every rule and being as helpful as she could manage without being annoying. Lexi found herself easing back into the rhythms they had established as a couple. Cricket, of course, was just happy to see his other mom and Lexi felt an irrational surge of betrayal every time he went to Brenda for attention.

  Nights were the hardest. Getting to sleep was near impossible. She lay behind her locked bedroom door and replayed conversations both real and imagined with a variety of people. She worked out all of the things she could have said if she were just a little more clever, but no matter how adroit she became in her imagination she still felt dismal. She woke up from dreams of loss and betrayal more than once with Brenda outside her door asking if she was all right.

  The weekend was especially difficult and when Lexi wasn't working on the yard, she went to her grandmother's home. The Murdocks were more than happy to go out on a date Saturday night while she stayed to make dinner and get everyone settled for the evening.

  Her first appointment the following Monday morning cancelled by answering machine and she found herself with some alone time. After trying to talk herself out of it, she succumbed to temptation and called Zoe's house. On the third ring an answering machine picked up.

  "I'm not home. Leave a message."

  Just that little bit of Zoe's voice brought tears to her eyes and she almost hung up. "I just wanted to hear your voice," she finally said. Unable to think of anything else to say she slowly returned the handset to its cradle. Heartache stayed with her all day.

  Brenda returned to the house in the early afternoon and came into the shop. "I'm only here for a minute," she explained. "I just wanted to tell you that I got a job at the check cashing place in the Park Street Mall. I start tomorrow."

  "Congratulations," Lexi said, and meant it. The fact that Brenda really was making an effort gave her some relief.

  "I don't want to get in your way," Brenda said with a proud grin. "I just thought you might like to know that I haven't been wasting my time."

  "I didn't think you were," Lexi said, "but I must admit that I didn't expect you to have something so soon. I thought it was pretty tight for jobs out there."

  "It is," Brenda said seriously. "But I really wanted one and I kept at it. I actually had two job offers today, but this one pays better and starts sooner. If you'll let me I'd like to cook dinner tonight to say thanks."

  Lexi relented and it wasn't long before mouth-watering odors began to drift into the shop. When she was done for the day and the shop had been cleaned and prepped for the next day's appointments, dinner was ready and waiting for her. With a towel placed over her arm Brenda played garcon, seated Lexi at the table and proceeded to list the special of the day and take her order. Brenda had played this game before and Lexi always got a kick out of it. Before she knew it they were reminiscing about the past and all of the good and funny times they had enjoyed together.

  Lexi's laughter unexpectedly turned into tears over dessert. "I'm so sorry," Brenda whispered into her ear as she held her. "I'm a fool and I'm so sorry." Lexi relaxed into her arms and cried herself out. The feel of Brenda's body was like a comfortable pair of old shoes, but her heart was in turmoil.

  "Can we talk about us?" Brenda asked when Lexi had control of herself once more. "I've been trying to respect your space since I've been back, but I think we need to talk about the past and the future."

  "I know," Lexi admitted. "I've been trying to ignore it."

  "I've been hoping things would just heal themselves, too."

  Lexi stared into Brenda's face and it's familiarity. "Why did you leave?"

  "I wasn't happy. In retrospect, I handled it all wrong and if I had it to do over I'd do it different."

  "Was it something I did?"

  "Yes and no." Brenda looked away with a sigh. "Did you think of me as your lifelong partner?"

  "Of course."

  "Well, I didn't feel like I was. I wanted to be, but it seemed to me that you always expected us to fail."

  Lexi's mouth dropped open in surprise. "How can you say that?"

  Brenda waved
a hand to indicate the house. "This is your house. I repeatedly offered to pay rent, but you wouldn't let me. It made me feel that I wasn't a permanent part of your life and you wanted to make sure that I didn't have any claim to it in case I ever left."

  The sick feeling in her belly told Lexi that there was truth in what Brenda was saying and she wasn't sure she wanted to hear it.

  "I bought furniture because I wanted to feel like I had a part in making our life together."

  Brenda had paid for most of the furniture in the house. "Why didn't you ever talk about all of this?"

  "I did!" Brenda insisted. "I even offered to help you pay for your grandmother's room and board."

  "She's my responsibility," Lexi objected.

  "If we were really lifelong partners then she would have been my responsibility, too. That's what I could never make you understand. You were always willing to share equally on emotional and sexual levels, but there's more to a marriage than that. Burdens and responsibilities are part of the package, too. But you always wanted to take care of everything yourself. Sometimes I didn't even know there was a problem until you had taken care of it. It's like you were unwilling to let yourself be even a little dependent on me for anything. I tried to demonstrate my willingness to be there for you on all levels by buying furniture and running errands, but you could never see it."

  Lexi had gotten so used to thinking of Brenda as the bad guy that she had been completely in the dark that she had been partly to blame as well. Their entire relationship took on a brand new flavor and Lexi could taste the bitterness of it in her mouth.

  "I didn't leave you because I didn't love you anymore," Brenda continued. "I left because I didn't think I was necessary to you and I wanted to feel that. If not with you, then with someone else."

  "I'm sorry, Bren. I didn't know you felt this way."

  "If I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that I probably could have done a better job of trying to communicate." Brenda gave a nervous smile. "I mean, you seem to be hearing me now so I must have been doing something wrong. I apologize for that, and for leaving you the way I did. It turns out to be the biggest mistake of my life."