Still Breathing

by Rita Michaels

  Is Flo aware of this secret? Did she intentionally keep it from me?

  Bri struggled between playing the implicating conversation to Flo, or just narrate a little bit and leave the rest out.

  In situations like these, she would seek the wise advice of her aunt, but she was vacationing in faraway Bermuda Island with her boyfriend. She couldn’t possibly reach her. She realized she had to grow up and make adult decisions now without anyone’s help, or advice.

  Hunter rose, snatched his phone off the table and punched on it rapidly. It rang and then headed straight to voicemail.

  “Damn it,” he cursed, walking out of the now darkening park. He dialed the same number, again. Voicemail. He changed his mind, searched for another number and dialed. After three rings the line clicked.

  “Mark, we’re dead.”

  24

  ⸙

  “Here you are,” Flo said. “Mom is cooking something interesting in the kitchen.” Bri sniffed in the air and knew what it was. Rice with fried chicken.

  “Hungry?” Flo asked.

  “No.”

  “Why? Doesn’t that aroma make your stomach growl for the right reason?”

  “It growls alright, but from losing my appetite.” Flo stared at her questioning. “Let me come clean.”

  “What have you done?”

  “I met with Hunter.” She watched Flo’s countenance as it grew darker and darker with each word she said. Flo said nothing, but Bri could tell she wasn’t pleased. “Please, don’t think I distrusted you. I called him up at the spur of the moment. I didn’t want to get you involved. You’ve already done so much for me.” That warmed her face up.

  “I wanted to come with you to show some moral support.”

  “I know,” Bri said. “But if you were with me, Hunter wouldn’t have confessed. I wouldn’t have been as calm as I was. I would’ve used your presence as a reason to be angry at him without yielding a positive result. This result,” she said, placing her phone on Flo’s center table. Flo glanced at the phone, and then at Bri.

  “What’s on it?”

  “His voice. His heinous act, and a reason to expose him. Take a listen,” Bri said. “With a headphone. I don’t want to hear it anymore.”

  Flo reached for the phone and picked it off the table.

  “Just press play,” Bri said and then eased her back on the couch before shutting her eyes. She heard Flo’s frequent remarks of what? O, my God. Idiot.

  “This is so wrong,” Flo said, aghast. “Are you going to hand this over to the police?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t want to. It would take a while to act on it.”

  “What’s your plan?”

  “I want to forward it to Steve and let him do whatever he wants with it.”

  “That means you are going to court.”

  “No.”

  “I don’t understand,” Flo said. “How are you going to testify if you’re not in court?”

  “I never said I would testify. I don’t want to be a public display. I don’t need the world knowing I was drugged and raped, but I also don’t want any woman to feel it’s okay to keep quiet. That’s why I got it recorded. Steve would get a lesser sentencing, hopefully, and Hunter would get my revenge, he and his brother.”

  “And you? What would you gain?”

  “Peace. Control. It means I can move on,” she said with a sad smile.”

  “I’ll stand on your behalf. I’ll go to court,” Flo said.

  “I won’t stop you because… I’ll be far gone.” Flo frowned.

  “Gone? To where?”

  “Montreal. To pursue a modeling career.” Flo bowed her head.

  “You just broke my heart.”

  “Aww!” Bri said, rising. She went to Flo and sat beside her. “I have to leave my pain behind and build another happy memory elsewhere. Find me some happiness. Everything here reminds me of Sasha, of mom, and the evil Hunter did to me.”

  “You don’t have to leave the entire province behind. What about me?”

  “I know you’ll be fine.”

  “I won’t.”

  “We could do facetime.”

  “It won’t be the same.”

  “You could visit, or even share a city with me.” Flo’s head snapped up.

  “I could… do that,” she said, but her smile quickly died. “Unless if my parents let me. You’re lucky you don’t have to ask for permission to do nothing.”

  “Trust me, Flo. There are times I wish I could call up my mom, or my aunt to seek their opinion. You’re lucky to have both your parents in your life. Pray you don’t lose them early, and never feel too grown-up to seek their advice.”

  “I hear ya.”

  “When you’re ready, I’ll help speak to your mom about joining me in Montreal.”

  “Have you found a place to live, yet?”

  “No. But I heard they have something like a place for all aspiring models to live in. Like a hostel.”

  “When are you planning to leave?”

  “Soon, I hope. I have to give the man a call and let him know am ready.”

  “Then you need a portfolio. We should take some pictures.”

  “Please not tonight,” Bri said. “I know you won’t get a good shot out of me. Emotions. Daylight.”

  “I understand,” Flo said. “Tomorrow then.”

  “I hope.”

  “I say so,” Flo said. “I’ll keep you busy you’d forget Hunter ever existed.

  “That’d be the best gift ever, after Sasha, Bri said.”

  In the days ahead Bri struggled. Steve begged her to come to court, but she refused. She wanted to run away from the shame that shouldn't be a shame but the courage to face the one who did her wrong.

  She feared to relive the pain she fought hard to lock in the closet. The pain of losing her daughter, of knowing the person she thought was her daughter’s father was only her uncle, the thought of knowing she was living in oblivion thinking Hunter was in love with her whereas, Mike, his Asperger brother, was the one in love with her.

  For the first time, she felt unloved, and never being loved. She'd never felt real love, and never really had a relationship with anyone. It was just a fluke. A lie.

  She sat by her bedroom window and stared into space. She'd been doing that quite lately. Just sitting down and staring at nothing with her eyes fixed on a spot.

  She’d long hid the little urn in her dresser. It depressed her. The sight of it made her want to end it. The life she never wanted without Sasha. Which was why she had to rethink about traveling to Montreal after receiving the message to hurry and come prepare for an upcoming local fashion show.

  She'd make good money, but what was good about the money without the joy to spend it.

  “Your life must go on,” she heard her aunt's voice say in her head.

  “You'll have other kids,” her mother once said, too.

  I didn't get to see her call me mommy for the first time, or watch her take her first step, or light a candlestick for her first birthday cake, she thought with a sigh.

  Bri turned from the window and wiped the falling tears on her face. She headed to a small open luggage on her bed, covered it up, zipped it and hurled it to the ground.

  First, she'd head to the salvation army nearby and hand the luggage to them before taking a greyhound bus to Montreal.

  It would never be the final closure, for Sasha's ashes would remain with her for the rest of her life. She double checked one of her luggage, making sure the urn wasn't left behind and then zipped it up as well.

  She exhaled sadly knowing it would be her last time in the house she once shared with her mother. Her next journey, though uncertain, she hoped would be better than the one she was leaving behind.

  25

  ⸙

  The humid thirty-six-degree temperature was no child's play. At that time of the year, the heat was expected, but not fully prepared for.

  Rep
orts of people fainting from heat exhaustion, and the senior citizens passing out became the news of the season. After two showers before the midday without any sense of relief, Bri decided to hit the beach, which wasn’t too far from her new residence. Cranking up her air conditioner meant paying extra hydro bills, money she couldn’t afford to spend if she must save for the future.

  Bri’s dream was to work hard in her youth and then retire early, with enough to sustain her without depending on the government. She’d have enough to supplement her pension should she choose to work for an employer. Money, she thought, have wings, and they do fly.

  It was her first time on the beach and her third attempt. She'd heard about the famous beach and promised herself to visit it someday. She'd never been to any kind of beach before.

  This must be interesting, she thought as she spotted the crowd of people on the beach playing volleyball. She'd thought she could find some quiet and read an interesting novel that she borrowed from the library a week prior. Time was running out, and she was determined to read the novel before its return date.

  It was one of those days she looked forward to rest after all the catwalk and exercises to lose some weight that she thought she didn't have. Being a model was more difficult than she thought.

  The first two weeks were hell. The heels were her worst enemy and still is. Before debuting as a model, she never walked in heels. Never thought she would, but as they say, practice leads to perfection, and so she practiced until her toes surrendered.

  During every practice, she wished she could win the lottery and never have to worry about money, or bills, or even rent. No sooner had she received her first paycheck than she moved out of the hostel she shared with the other aspiring runway models. The drama was too much to swallow and too much of a distraction.

  She had met a few men far and between who thought she was beautiful and asked her out on a date, all of which she rejected on the ground of being too occupied with a tight schedule. She had no room in her heart for any man but herself. She’d begun to love herself and was loving the feeling of it.

  Her confidence had blossomed much more than before.

  After a few runway shows, and lessons on hiding her flawed, speckled face with the appropriate concealer and face powder, she’d call herself beautiful while looking at a reflection of her image in the mirror.

  Keeping her life experiences behind her was as difficult as expected, and she was glad it was a difficult journey as it verified how important her mom and daughter meant to her.

  “Life is tough,” her new friend Alice once said. And tough it is. That was why she'd decided to massage her brain by taking in the beauty of the beach.

  It was a Tuesday morning. She'd thought the beach would be somewhat empty, but lo and behold, everyone chose Cap St Jaques' beach to get the heat off their backs.

  She took off her sandals and exhaled as her feet touched the beach sands. The feel of the coarse sands against her feet made her wish she could walk barefoot without a care in the world, just like the ancient men lived before shoes and slippers were ever made. Except they must’ve had callused, and cut feet.

  Her eyes searched for an appropriate spot as she slowly walked and held onto her ankle-length shirt. The sight of a little girl, probably a little over a year old, walking into the water, giggling and running back into her mother’s waiting opened arms warmed her heart.

  An image of Sasha in a pink swimwear playing in the water flashed in her head, but she quickly shook it off. Happy times. Happy times, she said under her breath. That was her coping mechanism. And she realized she said that too many times a day.

  She walked closer to the water, turned left and noticed a path led to another part of the beach, Cap St Jacques Park. She beamed with a renewed excitement. She began to picture the beach as her second home. Not too far from her were two elegant trees with heavy boulders surrounding them.

  She spotted a few kids, about three of them playing with a canoe by the water bank, and then her head snapped up from the sound of three speeding boats flying by in the water.

  She walked to one of the trees and sat under it, her novel still in her bag. It wasn’t what she’d expected. It was too noisy a place to read. On a second thought, she opted to take a walk around the beach and the park but remembered Alice had promised to join her in about ten minutes. They were supposed come together, but Alice’s controlling boyfriend, Antoine, was at it again, fighting her for all the wrong reasons.

  He’d rather she came with him than come by herself, or with a female friend because God forbid another man found her attractive and stole her from him. Alice would rather take a hike away from him for a breathing space because, lately, he’d become so clingy she suffered from Haphephobia.

  Alice’s relationship was Bri’s constant reminder to stay single. At least, no one would tie her legs and keep her on a watch. She could soar to any height and back without a puffing boyfriend waiting to count her steps.

  She sat and watched the kids play, and then when she turned around at the sound of mixed voices approaching her, it happened. Her heart fluttered.

  “Our spot is taken,” Bri heard a female voice say. She was walking beside a guy Bri hadn’t taken her eyes off since he appeared from God knows where.

  They were three in number. The other guy lagged behind a little due to the heavy picnic basket he carried. He set it down to rest his arms and then picked it up again, his eyes obviously revealing the strain the basket had on him. Bri wondered how much food was in the basket for just three people.

  “Hi,” the guy said, sitting on one of the boulders. Bri quickly tore her eyes off of him, blushing.

  “Hi,” she replied, and silently rebuked herself for drooling over someone who just walked to her with his girlfriend. The girl sat down beside him, both of them wiping the sweat off their brow. And then, he yanked his white T-shirt of his ripped body, leaving just his beach shorts on. Bri gulped.

  Am about to hyperventilate here. Where’s Alice?

  The other guy set down the basket, bent over and pretended to gasp for air.

  “Common Sebastien, it’s only a basket of food,” the ripped guy said in a calm manly voice.

  “Oh, yeah? Why didn’t you carry it then, Ethan?”

  Ethan, Bri said within her. What’s wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way?”

  “I’m sorry, Bri?” Alice said, walking towards her. Bri saw Ethan turn towards her through her peripheral vision.

  “It’s okay,” Bri said, smiling, even though she wouldn’t have accepted Alice’s apology easily had Ethan not been there.

  “My overprotective boyfriend, she did the quote with her fingers, wouldn’t let me step a foot out of our apartment until I promised to answer all his calls every fifteen minutes.”

  “Wow!” Bri said, knowing she’d have said more had they been alone.

  Alice, as if noticing the other people for the first time, turned towards them.

  “Hi, guys. Having a picnic?”

  “Yeah,” they replied in unison.

  “Wanna join us?” Ethan said. “We’re still waiting for the rest of the crew to show up, but it seems they’re taking a bit longer.”

  “Thanks. We don’t want to ruin your party… um, picnic,” Bri said, rising.” She grabbed Alice’s arm, but Alice winked at her. Bri rolled her eyes.

  “Let’s have fun on the beach,” Alice said.

  “But I came to read, not to have fun.”

  “They asked us to join them. We shouldn’t be snobby towards them.”

  “I’m not snobby,” Bri whispered.

  “Then prove it,” Ethan said.

  Both girls turned to the group. They’d been watching and listening all the while.

  “We are so sorry guys, but party pooper here wants to read a novel rather than socialize,” Alice said, intentionally embarrassing Bri. Bri’s eyes widened.

  “Okay,” she said with a sigh.

  “Yay,” she heard the guys say with
out the girl, who was busy sun tanning her body. Sebastien turned to her.

  “Babe, we’ve two new friends here.”

  “Yeah,” she said without looking up.

  Bri turned to Ethan who hadn’t taken his eyes off her since her reluctance to stay, He was good-looking, but with a tinge of uncertainty. She just couldn’t read him.

  Usually, it was easy discerning people within the first ten minutes of meeting them, but she seemed to have lost her power of observation. She noticed that when she made the wrong choice in dating Hunter. This time, she would guard her heart jealously.

  This one here, staring at her as if she was the next best thing that waltzed into his life, could be carrying more baggage than her last woeful encounter with Hunter, she thought.

  He’s attractive, with a chiseled body like an MMA fighter, slow talking, nice skin-cut hair, and hairy legs. Bri shuddered. Okay, she thought. I hate hairy legs and chest. That should do it.

  “Hey!” Bri heard as she turned to the direction of the voice. All the while she’d been staring at the same page of her novel, not actually reading it but listening in on the conversation around her and not participating. She wondered how Alice could easily fuse herself into the group and even share her personal stories with them. Another of their friend just walked in. As chiseled as Ethan. Bri began to wonder.

  “Is she this quiet all the time?” Ethan asked, throwing Bri a glance.

  “Yes, she is. That’s why am trying to take her everywhere with me,” Alice said.

  “Boyfriend?” Ethan asked.

  “None. She doesn’t want any.”

  “Why, if I may ask?”

  “Um, I really don’t know. Haven’t asked, yet. How about you?”

  “It’s a long story,” he said. Bri’s ears pricked. She wanted to hear it and wished Alice would pull the story out of him. “But am single.”

  Bri sighed, and then thought. He’s not meant for me anywhere. He has something to hide, and am not one to find them. He can’t even love me. A recluse like me. I can’t fit into his circle and can’t change my life for him. Simple and end of story.