Different Loving

by William Brame

  Lack of documented bondage for pleasure in the Western world suggests faulty reporting, not a lack of pleasurable bondage.* The historical accounts of flagellation brothels (circa 17th to 19th centuries) show that patrons enjoyed being bound for whippings. Pulleys to suspend patrons were a common furnishing and Theresa Berkley’s “horse”—an adjustable whipping rack available at the madam’s establishment—accommodated restraints. All the early sexologists cited numerous case studies of patients who expressed interest in binding or being bound. But the pervasiveness of bondage fantasies was nearly overlooked in favor of other components of clients’ fantasies, such as fetishism.

  Although early 20th Century movie serials such as The Perils of Pauline, in which the heroine frequently found herself tied to the inevitable railroad tracks, may have incited some fantasies, bondage as an erotic art was largely fostered in this century by the works of two men, Irving Klaw and John William Koutts, a.k.a. John Willie. Klaw photographed women tied in various positions to various pieces of furniture in various stages of dress and undress (though never nude). His most famous model, Betty Page, has been likened to an American icon and remains a model for contemporary bondage styles. Though Miss Page retired from modeling in mid-career and became a born-again Christian, her pin-up persona has made her a cult figure to new generations of bondage fans, many of whom are particularly inspired by photos that depict her as sexually dominant. Images of Miss Page are now widely disseminated on-line and marketed in calendars, videos, and books. Willie was as well known for his cartoons of Sweet Gwendoline as for his photographs: Gwendoline’s misfortunes generally resulted in bondage in some helpless and humiliating pose.

  Alex Comfort theorized that bondage “seems to owe its current popularity to the fact that the available pornography of a whole generation of American men was produced by [these] two preoccupied bondage enthusiasts.”4 With an eye to prevailing censorship standards, Klaw and Willie limited themselves to depictions of bondage and discipline alone.

  WHO DOES IT?

  Although all bondage enthusiasts can be said to be D&Sers in that the bound party is necessarily submissive (if only physically and temporarily) to his partner, there are two groups within the world of bondage: D&Sers who enjoy bondage and bondage enthusiasts who do not engage in any other D&S activities.

  The second facet of sadomasochism is known as bondage, wherein the masochistic partner is tied up or restricted in various positions and by various means according to the protagonist’s tastes. Of course, minor tie-and-tease activities are carried out from time to time by many sex partners without any colouring of sadomasochism being formally involved.

  —CHRISTOPHER C. GOSSELIN5

  Harmony Communications, Inc., a California-based company which specializes in bondage erotica, has popularized the concept of love bondage. This friendly fantasy play usually involves very comfortable restraint whose main object is typically to heighten erotic tension, usually as foreplay to lovemaking.

  The materials we produce are carefully and, we think, obviously designed for men AND women to whom bondage is an important mutual diversion, a recreational and benevolent experience, a fantasy with a happy ending, a good-natured game in which everybody wins. We do not characterize victims; we characterize lovers who are mutually involved in a complex and bizarre but highly stimulating personal activity.6

  Adherents of the Harmony philosophy rarely if ever consider themselves S/Mers; indeed, some are vehemently opposed to directly sadomasochistic activities such as whipping, spanking, or other intense stimuli. Instead, a satisfying bondage session may be limited to sensuously teasing sensations (gentle pinches or love bites, light tickling, sexual arousal).

  The main thing for me is to be tied up and restrained and then teased. For instance, if my partner will masturbate me until just before I come to orgasm, then stop, then return a few minutes later, and masturbate me again, then stop—for me, it’s like an out-of-body experience.

  —GENE

  For sadomasochists, bondage is often one component of erotic play, although many do seek bondage-only experiences. During bondage, intense stimuli may be delivered to (or normal sensation withheld from) the bound form; the bondage itself may be uncomfortable. And the power relationship that fuels the bondage extends to other activities (or into a lifestyle).

  Proponents of love bondage are extremely concerned about making a distinction between the loving, gentle type of play they perceive as their ultimate pleasure and the play they perceive as sadomasochistic. (Not unlike spankers, as discussed in the following chapter.) In fact, the two groups have so much in common that when it comes to a discussion of styles, techniques, and emotional rewards, one is hard-pressed to ascertain their true differences. Since, however, D&S is as much a matter of intention as of implementation, it is fair to say that the two groups have fundamentally different approaches. Each group is a bit baffled by, and often a bit critical of, the other.

  Bondage rituals that are unassociated with other elements of s/m often puzzle those not involved, for it is hard to see what either partner gets out of them once restriction has been completed: There seems little one can do to continue the ritual and little for the “victim” to experience beyond the continuing feeling of immobilisation.

  —CHRISTOPHER C. GOSSELIN7

  All bondage scenarios are variations on the theme of captivity. A very high percentage of our interviewees believes that these interests began in the games of their childhoods, such as cowboys and Indians, cops and robbers, or Houdini escapes.

  The diversity of adult captivity fantasies should not be underestimated: One man may fantasize that he has been kidnapped by a sexually frustrated woman who “has her way” with him, while the next prefers steel shackles and imagines himself to be a prisoner. Partners’ responses to restraints are similarly diverse. Some enjoy struggling, whether to pretend that they are attempting escape, to test the security of their bonds, or to test the patience of their dominants.

  A significant number of enthusiasts practice self-bondage. They devise often-iconoclastic methods of tying themselves up in private, often because they do not feel comfortable in divulging their interest to others or fear that their partners would disapprove. Others simply prefer the singular thrill of autoeroticism.

  WHY DO THEY LIKE IT?

  Enthusiasts love to be bound for many reasons, but perhaps the great thrill of bondage rests on a fundamental enigma: Erotic bondage induces psychic liberation.

  A lot of people want bondage. I had a friend who said that when the ropes are on the outside, the ropes on the inside get loose. [In other words]: When you’re tied up, you can be free. I really understand that dynamic. If you’re tied up, you’re no longer responsible. Bondage gives you permission to let go. It’s a paradox: If you are helpless, you are actually freer.

  —CLÉO DUBOIS

  Being physically bound in a mutually consensual context gives bondage aficionados permission to experience their sexuality freely—a permission that they may not otherwise be able to give themselves because of upbringing or sexual mores. While bound they cannot control the erotic stimulation that they receive, and, perhaps just as important, they cannot control or conceal the arousal that they feel.

  Bondage is, in this respect, an antidote to sexual repression: When the physical restraints are in place, the mental restraints are lifted.

  Everybody’s got defense mechanisms. When the woman goes into bondage, she’s surrendering all that. [So] one of the things I like to introduce then is sexual play. They get more turned on than they’ve ever been turned on before.

  —MICHAEL V.

  The period of bondage is a time when responsibilities are removed—foremost among them the responsibility for sexual response. The submissive’s responses are stirred and manipulated at the binder’s whim (although dominants generally confine play to stimuli they believe to be exciting for their partners). The bound partner is also relieved of larger obligations; thoughts about housework,
career, and finances dissolve.

  There is a peace and tranquility that comes over me while I am in bondage that I know at no other time. I am relieved of all responsibility. It is the only time when I cannot have the little voice in me that says, “You’ve got laundry to do, and you really should clean up your desk …” If I’m tied up, I’m not expected to do any of that and can relax.

  —SLAVE V.

  Many people enjoy bondage because the physical immobilization is psychologically relaxing.

  Doing sessions in Silicon Valley, I work with an incredible amount of computer people: A lot of them need gags. They can’t relax until they wear a gag or a blindfold, because then they have to shut up, and they can’t see anymore. I use bondage as a way of bringing people into themselves, into their sexuality, inward to themselves.

  —CLÉO DUBOIS

  Others simply enjoy having comfortable restrictions imposed on their bodies.

  I definitely play with power exchange, [but] for me, restraint isn’t about trying to get away: It’s about comfort. If I play with somebody whose image of a bottom play partner is that she tries to get away, it’s a real conflict. If I try to get away, I start feeling like something’s wrong. Maybe on an intellectual level I can be a challenging bottom, but I’m not into the physical challenge of trying to get away.

  —VICTORIA B.

  During bondage the body may be fixed in a position it would otherwise be difficult to impossible for any but Eastern yogis to hold. The effect of this forced physical inertia is comparable to the focus and relaxation of doing Zen yoga.

  Changing the body’s relationship to gravity is another component of bondage. This is more directly addressed during suspension bondage, the practice of hoisting a partner so that most of his or her weight is off the ground. Suspension is a particularly risky form of bondage play which can result in serious injury.

  Suspension bondage elicits in the bindee a primal helplessness. Not only is the body deprived of balance, but its relationship to gravity is altered as it floats aloft, evoking the weightlessness of the womb. Safely cradled by secure bonds, floating—and, in some cases with the eyes, ears, and other sensory organs blocked—the person may embark on a profound adventure into tranquility and body focus. Such focus is a key component of any successful bondage experience.

  When I’m restrained, my body is effectively taken away from me, and my mind focuses very clearly. All the sensations and everything that happens jump out of my control. I’m very aware of what’s happening to me and all the sensations are heightened.

  —GENE

  Bondage for me is a sense heightener. It enhances my awareness of my body; it’s a pleasurable stimulant to want to move and not be able to.

  —ROBIN YOUNG

  Since erotic tension may be intensified during the bondage, sexual gratification is often an ultimate goal.

  I like to think that there is definitely some sex as a result of [the bondage]. You build up so much sexual energy there, and you need a release. It’s definitely nice.

  —MICHAEL V.

  Sexual release, however, is less important to the person for whom bondage itself is a chief source of erotic pleasure, and for many the spiritual aspect of bondage is as important as the erotic. When the bondage assumes hypnotic intensity, the bound partner may feel as if he is making a deeply private journey.

  Sensory deprivation (the use of gags, blindfolds, earplugs, and other sensory blocks) in particular helps to isolate the bound person from mundane realities.

  [In] sensory deprivation, the bottom might go on a journey and enter a trance state or just a state of deep relaxation. It can also bring you into what people have referred to as an altered state of life, a life transfer. Even an erotic scene can become a journey. The bottom may think he is going to have an orgasm, but instead the experience may become shamanic.

  —CLÉO DUBOIS

  For some people the inherent risks of bondage and the unpredictability of the outcome seem to add to its allure.

  I think there’s a certain amount of fear involved in bondage. [During self-bondage] you fantasize all kinds of things that could happen: What if there was a fire? What if someone walked in? What if I had a heart attack? Fortunately, none of those things have happened, but I’ve spent a number of hours contemplating [the] possibilities.

  —GENE

  Humiliating or embarrassing bondage is another compelling feature for some enthusiasts.

  Embarassing bondage, to most people, is bondage that exposes their private parts. Bondage that puts their anus or genitals higher than their head. Bondage that reverses the polarity: You’re not supposed to show your genitals or your ass.

  —CLÉO DUBOIS

  The pleasure in humiliating bondage may be related to freedom from sexual repression. In humiliating bondage, body taboos are shattered: The helplessly bound partner has no choice but to expose intensely private zones that he would otherwise be socially obligated to conceal. D&Sers may be particularly inclined to engage in erotic coercion to place the submissive in some embarrassing pose in order to heighten the bondage’s sexual charge.

  Bondage has been elevated to an art among practitioners and for this reason teems with technical details—proper knots, secure and snug equipment, and safety devices to ensure that a partner can be quickly released in case he experiences panic or severe discomfort. Safe, pleasurable bondage is an act of love and trust. For many couples the knowledge that the dominant will not violate the trust of the person in bonds, that the submissive’s physical and emotional well-being is a first priority, and that helplessness can be experienced with the explicit intent of mutual pleasure is for them the highest and most liberating affirmation of romantic love.

  WHAT TYPES OF RESTRAINTS EXIST?

  Hundreds (and possibly thousands) of types and styles of restraints are available today. Before listing the common types of restraints used by D&Sers, it’s essential that the reader understand that every type of bondage, without exception, carries some safety risk. Improper use of allegedly harmless—or small-scale—equipment, unsupervised restraint, or undue stress to the body can have serious, even fatal, consequences. It’s also important to remember that what is intensely arousing for one person may be utterly terrifying to another.

  The different types of bondage reflect different erotic interests and have different purposes. While some sexually adventurous lovers may wish only to flirt with silk scarves or satin cuffs, more experienced D&Sers are likely to crave extremely secure and confining restraint. We essay here to describe only basic categories of equipment. Although many bondage fans are satisfied by rudimentary bonds (such as clothesline, rope, or chains), others devote their leisure and financial resources to constructing or acquiring extraordinarily sophisticated equipment. There are innumerable pieces of equipment of unique design, many of which will never be seen by anyone but their inventors.

  While handcuffs are commonly believed to be the ne plus ultra of bondage, among cognescenti metal restraints are much less popular than leather ones. Those willing to invest in their pleasures purchase thickly padded wristcuffs from adult shops or buy hospital restraints from medical-supply companies to ensure a comfortable and adjustable fit—particularly handy if the partners switch roles. Cheap metal handcuffs can be dangerous; the possibility of a broken lock or skin abrasion is disenchanting to discreet and safety-minded D&Sers. Handcuffs, fetters, shackles, and other metal devices are largely the purview of those who have a particular interest in such equipment per se or of those whose fantasies center on police, prison, or military scenarios.

  Although wrist and ankle restraints come in a plethora of materials (from silk and satin to leather, chain, and steel), leather is usually preferred. Erotic emporia carry leather restraints that can link extremities in a variety of combinations: wrist-to-wrist, wrists-to-ankles, ankle-to-ankle, wrists-to-neck, wrists-to-waist, wrists-to-thighs, and variations on these themes. Also popular are spreader bars, which force the limbs to re
main separated. A wide selection of leather (or metal) collars of varying widths and rigidity are also popular.

  The person who likes lengthy, comfortable bondage may choose bondage wear—modified, restrictive clothing or undergarments. Esoteric bondage dresses or suits manufactured by foreign fetish tailors and which secure the arms to the torso are prized. Torso or full-body harnesses (a series of leather straps, often decorated with metal rings to which other bondage devices can be attached); genital harnesses, pouches, gloves, rings, clamps, and weight devices; and corsets, which compress the body, are all popular. Many small-scale restraints can be (and are) worn, undetected, even beneath an investment banker’s conservative suit.

  Some bondage fans like mummification, the practice of completely immobilizing the body by creating a kind of bondage coccoon.

  Although the stressful positions beloved of s/m pornography are seldom indulged in for long except by some aficionados, complete immobilisation is commonplace and is frequently completed by the use of gag and/or blindfold.

  —CHRISTOPHER C. GOSSELIN8

  While straitjackets or full-body suits with copious belts and buckles are available, they are prohibitively expensive for most. Thus, household items (such as plastic wrap) or latex sheeting may be used to sheathe the body from toe to neck.

  Chastity belts, once the scourge of fair ladies wed to errant knights, are now designed for both sexes.

  One of my enjoyments is enforced chastity—to make or to get very interesting chastity belts, one of which I have.

  —JOHN H.

  Technology has yielded marvels of chastity engineering that allow comfortable wear over long periods of time. Lightweight, playful chastity belts may resemble little more than chain G-strings, but an array of expensive, hygienic, comfortable (and rustproof) devices are custom-made. Some belts prevent defecation; many prohibit erection. Female arousal is ungovernable by a belt, but chastity devices thwart any possibility of penetration. Variations on chastity belts may feature plugs inserted into the orifice(s) of either gender, but these cannot usually be worn for very long.