Remember Me Now (It's Kind Of Personal #4.5 or #5)

by Anna Brooks

  What am I afraid of? Why can’t I let him in? Well, I’m afraid of getting my heart ripped apart again for one thing. Losing someone you love changes your outlook on life, and I’ve come to the realization that I don’t want to put myself in the position to be destroyed a second time. I’m thirty-three years old; I’m smarter now than I was years ago.

  Then this sexy asshole comes along and shatters every ideal I brought with me. I said no men at all and that included sex. Period. I was going to become a born-again virgin. And one look at him, his muscles flexing with every movement, and I was like a bitch in heat. Damn him.

  I was doing a good job of pushing him away, too. Then I was watching the news and saw the psycho with a gun to a woman’s head. She looked like me, and for a brief moment, I wondered how I would feel if that was me. I’d get to see Brad again, so maybe I’d be at peace. But then I thought about Nik and how much I’d miss out on with him. He’d not only take care of me in the bedroom, but he’d protect my heart, and it’s so fucking fragile I’m afraid to admit how much I need that.

  I’m too strung out and overly emotional to get up, so I pass out, only to be woken up by footsteps. I scramble to the back of my bed, lean over, and quietly pull my .38 out of my nightstand. Then I curse under my breath for being such an idiot. When I came back here, I stormed in and didn’t lock the door, and then I left my purse in the kitchen — with my cell phone — because I threw it on the counter.

  A large shadow appears in my door frame, and I raise my shaky hands, pointing my gun in the general area.

  “Lisa?” Nik takes a step into my room and turns my light on. “It’s just me.”

  My arms are frozen mid-air and when the relief overtakes me, my arms shake so hard the gun bobs up and down.

  “Whoa.” Nik walks over to me and pries the metal from my fingers then sits down and pulls me into his arms. “You okay?”

  I nod into his chest. “You scared the shit out of me.”

  “Sorry.” He kisses the top of my head. “I called and you didn’t answer, so I got worried, and when I got here, your front door was unlocked.”

  “I forgot to lock it when I got home.”

  He grunts and rubs my arm for a few minutes. My body finally starts to calm down and I sit up, smoothing my hair down since it’s a hot mess right now. “What are you doing here?”

  “I felt like an ass for kicking you out, and fuck, I’m messing this up with you so bad.”

  “You’re right, and you and I both know it.” His mouth tilts up in a smirk, and I slap his shoulder. “Don’t be cocky.”

  “Why do you have a gun?”

  “Why wouldn’t I?”

  He shrugs as an answer, and I take a deep breath. “Brad, my husband … or ex, I never know what to call him. He was a gun enthusiast. He taught me how to shoot and wanted me to be able to protect myself when he was gone.”

  Nik nods. “We should go to the range together. You probably need the practice, and by the looks of it, you need to focus on steadying your arm when you’re gonna shoot.”

  He smiles and leans over to kiss me. “I care about you, Lisa. I care if you’re upset or scared or happy or sad.” His face softens, and I put a hand on his cheek, rubbing the stubble with my thumb. I melt into him, letting him take all of my worries away. He shifts his body over mine and grabs my chin, tilting it up to expose my neck. The warmth of his tongue leaves a cold trail in its wake, causing the hair on my arms to stand up. He nips at the shell of my ear. “Wanna try this again, baby?”

  “Yes. Very much.”

  “You gonna look at me?”

  “I am.”

  He sits up and reaches behind his head and pulls his shirt off. I bend at the waist and pull mine off too and giggle because I forgot I didn’t have a bra on. “Oops.”

  “Less to get in my way. Lift up.” He pats my thigh and I raise my lower body a couple of inches so he can slide my pants and undies down.

  As soon as the rest of his clothes are gone and he rolls a condom on, I spread my legs so he can fit between them. He leans over me and the tip of his cock bounces against my sensitive flesh.

  “Ready, baby?” He rests his forehead against mine.

  “Yes.”

  Applying his weight on one forearm, he uses the other and aligns himself perfectly, then with one thrust of his hips, he’s inside me, the smooth skin of his heavy sack rubbing against my ass.

  “Fuck,” he mutters the same time as I moan, “Oh, God.”

  “I’m not going to be able to go slow.” He kisses me as he pulls all the way out to the tip then slams back inside on a grunt. He does it again. And again. And again. “But know that I tried.”

  My lips smile against his, and when he begins to pound into me, I lose the air from my lungs as an acute full-body orgasm hits me out of nowhere. My eyelids flutter closed, and I open my mouth to scream in pleasure, but nothing comes out.

  “Look at me,” he pants.

  I comply, but when a whole new wave flows through me, I turn my head to try and get my bearings. At this point, I’m beginning to become lightheaded, and I suck in some air as the wave transforms into a hurricane inside of my chest, causing my lids to slam shut.

  “Look at me, Lisa.” I can hear him in the distance, but for some reason I can’t acknowledge him. “Look at me,” he snaps louder, and when I open my eyes, they land on a picture of Brad. My Brad.

  “Stay with me, baby.”

  I’m a horrible person. An unfaithful wife. I don’t deserve to be happy. Tears fall from my eyes and Nik stills, yet the swirling in my stomach remains an imposing force I can’t fight.

  “Damn it, Lisa. Look at me, baby. Look at me.” The fullness between my legs is suddenly hollow. His fingers grasp my face and urge it toward him. I get a glimpse of the ceiling before his face clouds my vision. “Hey.” The softness of his voice is something I’ve never heard from him before, and the heavy breath I take makes me cough. “There she is.”

  I regain my composure with a few more deep breaths, and open my mouth to say something, but I don’t know what because I have no clue what just happened.

  “You need anything?” He hasn’t moved an inch, but I’ve watched as his eyes darted across my face, looking for signs that I was all right. Watching me with concern and … and love.

  “No,” I whisper. “I just need to go to sleep.”

  “Okay. Whatever you need.” He kisses my forehead and gets off the bed, pulling the throw blanket over me.

  He walks out of the room and returns a minute later, puts on his boxer briefs, and then pulls me into his arms. “Sweet dreams.”

  A new set of emotions clogs my throat because he makes me feel things I never have before. Things that Brad never did. Things that I didn’t know even existed. And if I get in too deep, if I dive in any further, if I lose those things, I’ll surely drown. I can’t be washed away in his current; the only way to make sure I stay above water is to get away from the pull he has on my heart.

  Chapter 7

  Nik

  She falls asleep in my arms, and even though the one underneath her is numb, I leave it there because I’m afraid to wake her. While I was inside her, if she felt just a little bit of the intensity that I did, it’s no wonder she almost passed out. I guess there really is something to be said for the difference between fucking and making love.

  I’m glad I followed my gut and came here to check on her. Maybe it was a dick move to kick her out, but I couldn’t take it. I know she lost her husband, fuckin’ sucks, but he’s not here anymore and I am. I want to be with her, and she wants to be with me, but I won’t live my life in the shadow of another man. If she can’t at least give me her eyes while I’m inside her … I deserve better than that.

  I must have fallen asleep because when I wake up, she’s not in bed anymore. Damn, I haven’t slept that soundly in a long time. The house is silent, so I pad to the bathroom to take a piss, noting the empty condom that was in her trash can isn’t there anymore.
No way could I have finished when she was so upset.

  “Lisa?” I walk around and don’t see her anywhere, but a piece of paper on the counter catches my eye, so I grab it. Had to run some errands.

  Without another option, I make sure to lock the handle of her door and go back home to change and head to the gym. After a workout, I take a shower, do some laundry, then visit with my dad for a bit before I go to the pub. When I walk in, Lisa’s back is to me, so I put a hand on either hip and kiss her neck.

  Her body stiffens and she turns. “What are you doing?”

  “I can’t kiss you now?”

  “What did you think, Nik?” She leans in closer to me. “We fucked, that’s all.”

  To hide the knife in my gut, a humorless laugh flies from my throat and I cross my arms. “You fuckin’ with me or are you really just that much of a bitch?”

  Her eyes narrow, and she points a finger at my chest. “Stay away from me. I told you from the beginning I couldn’t do this. I. Don’t. Want. You.”

  I bite my lip and nod. “Fine. But don’t come cryin’ to me when you realize what you let walk away ’cause, baby, you ain’t gonna get anyone who’d take better care of you than I would.”

  “I don’t need you to take care of me.”

  I raise my hands in surrender. “That’s right. I forgot.”

  “Good.” She wipes her hands on her jeans. “Glad we cleared that up.”

  “Yup. Me too. It’s a shame, though, ’cause for every doubt you had about what could be, I had that many more reasons to prove you wrong.”

  I grab the ice bucket and head to the back room and slam the door. My fist collides with the wooden door a few times before it splits open. “Fuck!” I holler then steel my spine and get what I came in here for and walk back out to the bar.

  For the next couple of months, we do a bang-up job of avoiding each other. Every time we bump into each other, it takes everything in me to back up instead of grab her. When our eyes connect, I fight the urge to beg her to let me in. When I’m not at the bar with her, I force myself to stay busy so I stop thinking about her.

  It’s a pretty busy night, and I finally got a second to get away and piss, and when I come back to the bar, Lisa’s leaned in close, giggling with Pierce.

  “What the fuck?”

  The rumble of my pissed-off voice makes Lisa jump, and Pierce squints his eyes at me in confusion.

  “Hey, man.” He smiles at me, and Lisa scurries away, abandoning whatever conversation they were in the middle of. “Got it bad, huh?” His tone is light, but when I step into his space, he straightens his back and raises his eyebrows. Bros before hoes, except with her. I’d knock Pierce on his ass if he ever even tried.

  “Stay the fuck away from her, Pierce.”

  He sets the juice on the counter and holds his hands up. “Not even on my radar, Nik. But I must say, it’s fun seeing you like this.”

  I run my hands through my hair and look back at Lisa. She’s leaning over the bar serving a customer who is staring right at her chest. My fists tighten, and I look back at Pierce. “Fun? You think this is fun. You ever wanted a woman so fucking bad you can’t even breathe without your fucking chest hurting? This is not fun, Pierce. It’s fucking brutal.”

  Lisa

  I don’t know how much longer I can take it. I’m not sure I can do the push and pull another second. He’s wearing me down by doing nothing but being himself. I see why Meara says he’s such a good guy. He’s so caring with the people he loves. I feel like I know more about him than they do because I know his secret. It makes me feel close to him even though I keep him at a distance.

  Continuing to live this way is tearing me apart, but I’m so fucking scared … I loved Brad, but with Nik, it’s different. The level of intensity and passion with Nik was never there with Brad. I feel guilty for even thinking that way, but if I continue to deny the only person who can fulfill my emptiness, I’m going to have no choice but to either give in or leave him … because seeing Nik and not allowing myself to be open to him is slowly killing me inside.

  The bar is crowded tonight, and I’m trying my best to pretend again. When other people are around, Nik and I do a pretty good job of being cordial. It’s so busy that Nik, Meara, and I are all behind the bar, and I’m thankful for something to keep my mind off my dying heart.

  Meara pulls the trash out of the container and ties the drawstrings. “I’m just gonna run this out.”

  “No. I’ll take it, Meara.” Nik grabs it out of her hand and throws it to the ground. “You’re not going out there by yourself.”

  “Jesus Christ, I’m not a freaking china doll. I can manage to throw some garbage out.” While she bends down to pick up the bag, she makes a show of heaving it over her shoulder. “I’ll be back in two minutes.”

  “Woman,” Nik scolds. He rips the garbage out of her hand and shakes his head as he walks away. “Gonna take a piss, too.”

  “He’s such a pain in the ass.” She angles her head in the direction Nik just left.

  “I think it’s sweet that he cares that much,” I say quietly.

  “I know. I know.” She’s so lucky she has so many people who care about her. If she weren’t so damn nice, I’d be jealous of her.

  I offer a weak smile then walk over and continue to serve the customers. Meara heads to her end of the bar, and I busy myself with wiping down the bar top. It’s such a beautiful cherry color; you can tell her family has put a lot of time into making sure every last detail of this place was made with care.

  A commotion makes my head swivel, and a man has Meara pushed up against the wall behind the bar.

  As fast as I can, I run to help her. “Hey! What are you doing? Get off her!” I yell and grab at his shoulder.

  He releases his right hand, turns a little bit, and shoves me. I feel myself falling and my head catches on the end of the solid wood bar top. Pain rips through my entire body, and I reach out to grab something, but I slam to the ground as stars fill my vision.

  “Lisa! Oh, my God!” Meara’s scream sounds so far away, and I try to open my eyes, but the stars have turned to blackness, the only light a pinhole in the center of my vision, and as I’m falling into quicksand, I could swear I hear Nik calling for me.

  Chapter 8

  Nik

  I stand by the door in the hospital, unable to move. There was so much blood, and I wasn’t there and I should have been there. If I had been there, this wouldn’t have happened. I wouldn’t have let it happen. Nobody would be able to hurt her.

  It hurts to swallow; my throat is so tight and each and every muscle in my body is taut with venom, ready to strike.

  A hand lands on my shoulder, and I tense even more. “Hey.” Meara’s soft voice, which normally calms me, does nothing but aggravate me further. She got hurt tonight too because I wasn’t there.

  My eyes connect with hers for a brief second, just to make sure she’s okay, and then flash back to the closed door.

  “Nik?”

  I grunt and she stands in front of me. “Nik. Come sit down.”

  “I’m good here.”

  “What’s this all about?”

  “I never should have left.” Nobody knows what’s happened between Lisa and me. The last thing I need is everyone meddling in our business and making it worse.

  “Stop. Don’t even go there.”

  I squint my eyes down at her. “I have never left you or her alone behind the bar without a bouncer there. Never. And the one fucking time I do … I was gone a total of four minutes and this shit happens. I swear to fucking Christ if she isn’t okay—”

  The door silently opens, and she steps back as the doctor enters the room. “Lisa Scott’s family?”

  Her mother comes forward and squeezes Meara’s hand. She smiled at me when she first got here, but otherwise, she has kept to herself.

  “I’m her mother. Is she okay?”

  “As of right now, our main concern is her concussion. The laceration on
her head required twelve stitches. The rest of her tests came back normal, but we want to keep her for at least twenty-four hours for observation.”

  All of the fear that’s been holding me up vanishes, and I put a hand against the wall to steady myself. She’s okay. She’s going to be okay. And when she heals, I’m going to put a stop to all this bullshit once and for all. I fucking love her; I’ve never loved a woman in my life like I love her, and I’m not losing that. I’m not losing her.

  “However …” The doctor clears his throat. “There appears to be a bit of memory loss. She’s confused with why she’s even working at a bar she’s never heard of and is asking for her husband.”

  “Oh, my God.” Her mother leans against Meara and something makes my eyes itch. I blink it away and try to focus.

  “Is that you?” He directs his question toward me.

  “No.” I clear my throat so I don’t give away how fucking choked up I am. “Her husband’s dead.” And I may as well be too. I walk out of the hospital and get to my car. After I turn the ignition, I lean forward and bang my head on the steering wheel. The burning in my eyes is back again, but this time when I blink, something wet slides down my face and I sit up and wipe it off.

  I don’t remember the last time I cried. I’ve never had a reason to until now.

  * * *

  My shoulders burn, sweat drips into my eyes, and the rhythmic pounding of my bloody fists into the punching bag is the only thing keeping my mind from wandering right now. I have no clue how long I’ve been here, but when the lights shut off, I hang my arms and wipe my eyebrows with my forearm. Pierce calls out to me, but I ignore him and grab my keys.

  His gym has become my favorite place to be because it’s the only place where I can get a moment of peace. It’s only been a couple of weeks with no change in Lisa’s progress, but every day is more torturous than the last. Meara’s kept me in the loop and told me whenever she’s talked to Lisa’s mom.

  When I go to the bar, I miss her presence. When I’m home, I can’t sit on my couch because of the memory of her there. Everywhere I turn, I see her. It’s killing me.