My Christmas Boyfriend

by S J Crabb

  I laugh as I catch sight of crochet woman.

  ‘Oh, I don't know. I don't think anything would shock me after today. They make us look like amateurs.’

  On the journey home I feel withdrawn thinking about what happened. Gina sinks back in her seat and sighs heavily.

  ‘Thank God that's over. Mum, if you ever suggest that again then don't count us in. I mean, what on earth were you thinking? If that's your idea of fun then I'm seriously worried about you.’

  Mum just shakes her head and says sadly. ‘I'm sorry you didn't enjoy yourself, darling but you should have opened your mind a bit more. We can learn a lot from those people and should listen while we still have the opportunity. The trouble with the world today is that everyone is always so busy. We lose sight of what's important in life and sometimes it takes going back to the past to see a brighter future.’

  I look at Liam in shock. Who knew my Mum could be so profound? Liam grins and to my surprise takes my hand in his. He doesn't say anything and we just sit together in silence for the rest of the journey home.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  When I wake up the next morning, I lie in my childhood bed and savour the moment. It's good to be home, and I never thought I'd feel like that

  As I glance over at the clock by my bed, I'm amazed to see it's 10.00am. Goodness, I never sleep in this late. What on earth must they all be thinking of me?

  I quickly get dressed and pass through Gina's room. She's obviously up already and even her bed is made.

  When I reach the kitchen there's nobody around. The breakfast things have been tidied away and there is a note on the counter.

  Taken Timmy for a walk. George and Dick have gone to Exeter. Help yourself to breakfast.

  As I locate the cereal I feel bad. Goodness, I hope Liam is ok; I feel bad for leaving him.

  However, it must only be five minutes later that he heads into the room. He grins at me and I notice he must have been running because he is dressed in running gear and looks a hot, sexy, mess.

  He winks. ‘Morning gorgeous. Sleep well?’

  I laugh with a touch of embarrassment. ‘Sorry, I don't know what came over me. I never normally sleep this late.’

  Sitting down, he pulls the cereal towards him. ‘Must be the sea air.’

  I nod. ‘Yes, you're probably right. Anyway, did you sleep well?’

  He smiles happily. ‘Yes. I'll say one thing; your parents offer very relaxing accommodation. A real home from home. I feel quite refreshed after the last few days.’

  I grin. ‘Probably because we've consumed less brandy. Anyway, what do you want to do today? I would recommend doing what Gina has done and get the hell out of here before the rest of the family arrive.’

  Liam laughs softly. ‘This should be interesting.’

  I shudder. ‘No, it's not. You won't think it's so relaxing when they all get here. In fact, you will be booking your return ticket quicker than you can make up your excuse to leave. Just make sure you think of one for me because I'm not sure how much more I can take at the moment.’

  Liam laughs as my parents burst into the room with a very wet dog in tow.

  ‘Oh, Annie, you're up at last. I have so much to do before the other guests arrive. I don't suppose you would help me stuff a few crackers?’

  I raise my eyes. ‘What on earth are you talking about?’

  My mum grins happily. ‘Well, Kirstie showed me how to re-vamp your shop bought crackers into highly desirable bespoke ones with just a glue gun and a few ribbons and festive berries.’

  She turns to Liam and smiles. ‘You know, what that woman doesn't know about Christmas isn't worth knowing. She is my Christmas guru and I wouldn't be without her books and DVD.’

  I roll my eyes as Liam grins. Mum looks at us and then goes into super-hyper, Christmas organising mode.

  ‘Right then, Julian. You can help Kevin out with the decorations. We need them bringing down from the loft. Anne, you and I will stuff the crackers and then start decorating. The others will be here at 6 o'clock so we haven't got long. We will have to work as hard as Santa's Elves, to transform this place into a Christmas paradise for those poor children.’

  I snort, ‘There's nothing poor about those children.’

  Mum looks annoyed. ‘You sound just like George. Where's your sense of compassion? Those boys need their father and Christmas just highlights the emptiness they feel when they realise he isn’t here. We must distract them at every opportunity. Now, chop, chop; like I said, we haven't got long.’

  I look at Liam apologetically as he follows my mum from the room. He appears to be taking it quite well though and just winks as he passes.

  The morning flashes by in a sea of glitter and Christmas carols courtesy of MTV. If I hear, 'Last Christmas' one more time, I am liable to scream by the end of it. In fact, when you come to think of it there are only a few decent Christmas songs. Every year they get rolled out and it all becomes one big trip down memory lane. Almost Christmas Groundhog Day.

  I am quite pleased with my crackers. We discarded all the shop bought rubbish that was crammed inside them and replaced it with interesting jokes printed out from the Internet. We kept the paper hats but the gifts are much more interesting. Delicious Belgium chocolates for the ladies and little brandy miniatures for the men. I fully intend on grabbing myself one of those now I've been introduced to the demon drink. I may need a few shots later when the rest arrive.

  I tie the last red velvet ribbon with a flourish and stand back to admire my handiwork.

  Mum smiles as she looks at the glittering creations in front of us. ‘There, don't they look amazing? Bought in the sale for £3 in January and transformed into expensive ones with just a little creativity and imagination.’

  I smile and nod my head. ‘Yes, you have excelled yourself.’

  We are interrupted as Dad and Liam join us looking very hot and flustered. Dad looks at mum angrily.

  ‘If you buy so as much as one new bauble or pre-lit twig tree then I'm moving out. Twenty boxes were in that loft and I'm just surprised it hasn't caved in. If I am killed by the ceiling caving in on me one night remember to put on my headstone - Killed by Christmas.’

  Mum just waves her hands and looks annoyed. ‘You say the same thing every year and it's getting boring. Nobody likes a Scrooge at Christmas, Kevin, just remember that. Now, we must take a room each and crack on.’

  She looks at Liam and smiles. ‘Julian, you go with Anne and start on the tree in the courtyard, if you don't mind that is.’

  Liam just smiles politely. ‘Of course not, come on Anne, let's get started.’

  Shaking my head, I follow him outside.

  As we start sifting through the various boxes waiting for us, I blow on my hands to try to warm them up and moan.

  ‘Trust us to get the cold job. It's no fun decorating a tree in sub-zero temperatures.’

  Liam laughs as he tries to untangle one of the many clusters of fairy lights.

  ‘Now, now, Anne. Where's your stiff upper lip and backbone? I'm sure we will have a jolly good time decorating this super tree.’

  I throw a bauble at his head and it hits him square on the forehead. He looks at me with a challenge in his eyes and soon we are throwing everything we can lay our hands on in a Christmas decoration war. This is so much fun.

  I dodge around him and use the tree as cover. All manner of baubles, frosted pine cones and fake Santa's whizz past me as I return them with speed and accuracy. I almost can't breathe for laughing so hard and then we hear a window bang open and my mum yell, ‘For goodness’ sake children, stop messing around. They will be here soon and this place needs to be an advert for the perfect Christmas.’

  Liam looks at me guiltily and we burst out laughing.

  He grins. ‘Have you warmed up yet?’

  I nod, laughing. ‘Yes, thanks. You do know I won, right?’

  Shaking his head, he picks up the lights. ‘I think you'll find I did, young lady.’
<
br />   We grin stupidly at each other as we set about our task.

  An hour later, we step back and look with satisfaction at the beautifully adorned tree in front of us. It is certainly huge and I can only imagine how magical it will look when the carol singers come to call on Christmas Eve. One thing about my mother, she leaves nothing to chance. Christmas is methodically planned down to the last home-made mince pie and I should never underestimate just how much she puts into it.

  Liam looks at me and his eyes soften. ‘I enjoyed that. I can't remember the last time I decorated a tree and forgot how much fun it can be.’

  I nod in agreement. ‘Yes, me too. Normally, mum, has it all done by the time I come. I usually try to arrive on Christmas Eve and go home the day after Boxing day. I've forgotten about the excitement that goes along with preparing for Christmas. To tell you the truth, I've become quite bored with it all the last few years.’

  Liam nods. ‘Yes, as a child it all seemed so magical and exciting. Now it's just a day off from work and a roast dinner.’

  I smile. ‘How about we finish helping them and then treat ourselves to a brandy at the pub? We will certainly need it to cope with the influx of visitors about to descend on us.’

  Liam laughs. ‘You and your brandy. I've created a monster.’

  Worryingly, I think he is right. Maybe I should have a mulled wine instead. I don't want to get addicted after all.

  Three hours later and our work is done. Liam helped my dad out with the larger decorations. The blow-up Santa that now resides in the front garden is a particular monstrosity, but a necessary one for the enjoyment of the children – apparently. Mum bought it in the sales for £10 and despite my father moaning about it, he seems very pleased now it's in situ.

  We have hung wreaths and arranged festive foliage. My hands are raw from the sharp stabs of holly and I have glitter sticking to every part of me. The cards are arranged neatly in various metal holders around the cottage and candles have been strategically placed on every surface.

  I think there are three Christmas trees in total. The one outside, one in the living room and one in the conservatory.

  A twigged garland is wrapped around the bannisters and luxurious stockings hang from a hook on the fireplace. The whole place is adorned with a trail of fairy lights and when the last box has been tidied away and returned to the loft we look around us with satisfaction.

  The cottage has been transformed. In the dark glow of Winter, it twinkles like a beacon of light. Warm and inviting, it sparkles with promise and excitement of what's to come. This is magical and despite feeling totally exhausted, I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

  Mum smiles at us happily. ‘Thanks, guys, you've worked really hard. Now grab yourselves some rest before the others arrive. You've certainly earned it. I have some mince pies to make and your father is itching to retreat to his mancave. Be back by 6 o'clock to welcome granny.’

  I smile at Liam as I grab our coats. ‘Are you up for a brisk walk, Julian?’

  He grins. ‘Sure am, just lead the way.’

  Mum calls out. ‘In that case, take Timmy with you. He could do with a walk.’

  Grabbing the lead, we head off to the warm and cosy pub.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  We are soon armed with our mulled wine and sitting by the cosy fire. Timmy is splayed out asleep on the floor and I look around me with contentment.

  Finally, we can relax. I smile at Liam. ‘Christmas sure is hard work.’

  Liam smiles. ‘I enjoyed it though. My parents aren't half as much into it as yours are. I forgot just how lovely it can be.’

  I nod. ‘Anyway, sorry about being lumbered with my Dad for the most part. I hope he didn't bore you too much about whatever it is you men talk about.’

  Suddenly, Liam looks a little uncomfortable and my heart sinks. Oh no, what has he been saying?

  I look at him questioningly. ‘Ok, spit it out. What has my dad said now?’

  Liam looks shifty, which only increases my anxiety. ‘Oh, it was nothing really and I probably shouldn't say anything at all.’

  I lean forward and fix him with a determined look. ‘Spill all, right now. I can only apologise in advance for whatever madness has come from his lips.’

  Liam sighs and takes a deep gulp of his wine. ‘It's probably nothing but he kept on asking me the strangest things.’

  ‘Go on.’

  ‘Well, firstly he asked me what I would do if I thought my wife was having an affair.’

  I lean back heavily in shock. ‘What?!!’

  He carries on. ‘He also wanted to know my thoughts on affairs and if you suspected your partner was gay.’

  I don't think I can form any words, so just look at him in confusion.

  Reaching out, he takes my hand and whispers. ‘Richard told me that he asked him if there were laws about reading someone else's texts. He also wanted to know if you could get prosecuted if you recorded someone without their knowledge.’

  He stares at me with concern on his face.

  I just laugh, slightly madly I might add, and just wave it off.

  ‘Oh, he's probably just seen a program on the television. I know my parents and they wouldn't be involved in anything like that. Yes, that's it, he's been watching some series on the television and is thinking about it.’

  Liam smiles softly. ‘Yes, of course, you're probably right. I shouldn't have said anything really.’

  I take another gulp of wine. Maybe I should throw in the miniature brandy that I squirrelled away from the crackers. They have burnt out most of the alcohol in this wine and I need it to help me deal with what I've just heard.

  I'm not sure what we talk about for the next hour because my head is spinning with what Liam told me. Surely he's wrong. My mum wouldn't be having an affair with a woman, I just know it.

  As we walk home my earlier Christmas glow appears to have evaporated and has been replaced by anxiety. Liam is also quiet and must be wondering what on earth he has walked into.

  I shiver as the cold hits me. Despite being dressed for arctic temperatures it's a cold evening. Snow hasn't been forecast, just that misty rain that I could wax lyrical about for hours. I shiver and pull my coat tightly around me. Liam looks over with concern and then to my surprise puts his arm around me and pulls me close by his side. ‘Come here girlfriend, you look frozen.’

  My heart lifts at his words. Even though all this is pretence, there's an ever-increasing part of me that wishes it was true. I have discovered that Liam Goodwin appears to have everything a woman could wish for. Good looks, a brilliant personality, and prospects. His sense of humour matches my own and we appear compatible in every way. I know he's well out of my league though. He is a supermodel dating, hunk of a guy, who is probably regretting every second of our crazy plan. I doubt he will ever travel on British Rail again after being lumbered with me.

  He interrupts my thoughts and says softly. ‘Don't pay any attention to what I said earlier. I very much doubt anything is going on. It's probably as you said, he's into some drama or another. I chat with my friends for hours about Game of Thrones, and I'm hardly likely to do any of the things they do in real life.’

  I snuggle in closer, making the most of this glorious opportunity and nod in agreement.

  ‘Of course. After all, my parents live in a make-believe world most of the time anyway. Look where it's got me. Lumbered as a permanent member of the Famous Five trying to live up to their idea of the perfect family.’

  Liam laughs. ‘Well, there is that. Anyway, come on I'll race you.’

  He starts running and I set off in hot pursuit as I try to erase what he told me from my mind. No point in worrying about it, it's not as if it could possibly be true.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  We arrive home as my Gran's Fiat 500 pulls up in the drive. My heart sinks. Here we go.

  The car screeches to a halt and sends the gravel flying as she does an emergency stop.

  The door fl
ies open and she emerges from her car in all her glory. ‘Annie, darling. Come here you gorgeous girl and let me look at you.’

  Grinning at Liam, I rush over and find myself almost crushed to death in her surprisingly strong grip.

  She pulls back and I look at my glamorous Gran.

  She has bleached blonde hair and bright red lips. I don't think I've ever seen her without a full face of makeup and her perfume is overpowering. She is encased in a huge fake fur coat and is wearing UGG boots.

  Looking past me her eyes light up as she spies Liam standing there. ‘Wow, darling, who's the hunk?’

  My cheeks flame as I pull Liam forward. ‘Um, meet my boyfriend Liam, gr… I mean, Lizzie. Liam, this is my gr…. I mean, Lizzie.’

  Liam just smiles and kisses her on the cheek. To my complete horror, she swings her face around and his kiss plants firmly on her lips. She grabs hold of his head and presses his lips to hers and I cough nervously.

  ‘Um, I think mum is coming.’

  Granny releases a slightly disturbed looking Liam and looks around her madly. ‘Where's that crazy daughter of mine?’

  Luckily, bang on cue, the door opens and my mum rushes out, closely followed by my father.

  ‘Mum, you look amazing. Have you been to that Botox clinic again?’

  Granny grins happily. ‘Money well spent in my opinion. You should come with me dear if you don't want people to think you're my mother. I mean, what on earth are you wearing? You really should swap Per Una for Topshop.’

  Liam snorts behind me and I focus on Timmy instead. I can't look at my mother otherwise I will dissolve into fits of laughter.

  Two more different people you couldn't wish to find. I sometimes think my mum is adopted because she is nothing like granny.

  I am brought back to the scene as she shouts. ‘Right then Kevin, unload my car and take my bags to my room. Be careful though, there are lots of valuables in there. Sandra crack open the gin; after the journey I've had I need a large one.’