Behind the Tears (Behind the Lives)

by Hansen, Marita A.

  Dante screamed louder, not wanting to admit to himself that he could be like Chaz. His father pulled him in a tight embrace, continuing to hold him even after the screams had died down.

  “They’ll find him, Son.”

  Dante buried his face into his father’s shoulder and shook his head. “It’s too late, Chaz would’ve hurt Ash already,” he said softly, his throat broken and raw like his soul.

  “Ash is strong, he won’t let him.”

  Dante pulled free from his father’s arms, anger now ripping the words out of his mouth. “How can you say that? He’s been drugged. He can’t fight that.”

  “There’s no use in torturing yourself imagining what could be happening, cos it may not be.”

  “But that sick bastard will—”

  “The police will get him.”

  “It’ll be too late!” Dante’s voice cracked. “This will kill Ash. He won’t be able to live through this again.”

  “He has a son to live for now.”

  “But he’s tried to kill himself before.”

  “He wuz sixteen then, and that wuz some fucked up suicide pact. He wouldn’t do sumpthin’ like that now.”

  “I wish I could believe that, but you didn’t see what Chaz did to him, I did.”

  “You hafta hope for the best, I hafta too, or it’ll drive us both crazy.”

  “I’m already fuckin’ crazy!” Dante said, tapping his own head hard. “And I can’t get the images outta my mind of what Chaz did to Ash. Jesus, he’s pro’bly doin’ it to him right now.” He stepped away as his father reached for him again. “Don’t, just don’t. If Ash dies, I’ve had enough; I’ve fuckin’ had enough of all this shit. I can’t take being here anymore!”

  “Son! Stop it now, suicide’s not the answer.”

  “I’m not talking ’bout suicide, I mean Auckland, I mean being around people. I hate fuckin’ people! I hate everyone being around me, I can’t take loving people only for them to be taken away. Everyone I love leaves me. I hate it, I fuckin’ hate it, it’s not right, can’t you stop it, just stop it, stop it, fuck, get it to stop!”

  His father lunged at him, grabbing him into a bear-hug as Dante started swearing, the pressure too much, his anguish and disbelief turning into nothing but swearwords and pain he wish could end, because he felt like he was losing his mind completely and utterly.

  His father held on tight until Dante eventually calmed down, then his grip slackened. “Have you been taking your medication?”

  “Yes,” Dante said, not interested in telling his dad about all the days he’d missed, because being bipolar made no difference—he would’ve lost control whether he was sane or not.

  “Well, you need to reel yourself in before I take you to Tiana’s. That’s where everyone is, and I can’t have you screaming with Angelo there. The boy’s already shaken up as it is.”

  Dante’s face dropped. “Did Chaz hurt him?”

  “No, and Tiana’s not hurt either. So, let’s get goin’.”

  Dante shook his head. “I can’t be round them like this. I can’t control myself lately.”

  “But Sledge needs you. The boy’s broken down. His friend got hit by a car—”

  “Who?”

  “Corey.”

  Dante brought a hand to his face. “Jesus. As if this isn’t enough. Is Corey alright?”

  “He’s got a broken leg, plus a bashing from some thug.”

  Dante dropped his hand. “Un-fuckin’-believable.”

  “Yeah, you boys are being put through the ringer. But this also means that you needa step up and look after Sledge. Focus on him to get through this.” His father placed a strong hand at the back of Dante’s neck and started steering him up the grassy knoll. “And you will get through this, we all will, including Ash.”

  31

  Sledge

  Monday

  Sledge stood in the hospital corridor, watching Corey through the doorway, wishing he could go in and talk to him. But every time he went to move, he heard Corey’s words of hate replaying in his head. He’d fucked up, ruined their friendship all because he couldn’t admit to feeling something, shit knows what that something was, but it was there and it was for Corey.

  A hand landed on his shoulder, making him jump. Dante held out sandwiches, the type from cafeterias with the plastic triangular wrapping.

  “I’m not hungry,” Sledge said.

  “You’ve gotta eat, bro.”

  “Can’t.”

  Dante cracked the plastic open and pulled out a ham sandwich. “Eat it or I’ll shove it down your throat.”

  Sledge knew Dante would follow through, so he took it. Since last night, his brother wouldn’t leave him alone, acting like some parent running around after a naughty toddler.

  As he bit into the sandwich Dante patted his back. “You gonna go in or stay out here all day?”

  “The second option,” Sledge said chewing.

  “There’s no use, he knows you’re here.”

  “Which is exactly why I shouldn’t go in. He won’t even look this way.”

  “What happened, Sledge? You two were tight.”

  Considering telling him, Sledge took another bite of the sandwich. Out of everyone he didn’t think Dante would judge him, especially since he’d seen his bro flirt with guys before. It was usually in a teasing manner, but still, Dante didn’t seem to be bothered by gays. Hell, his brother had even pinched a tranny’s arse right in front of him, the one who’d sucked Sledge off, which was why he’d thought it was a female. But then again, Dante probably wasn’t aware it was a tranny, because the dude really did look like a lady. Sledge frowned. But come to think of it, Dante was the one who’d encouraged him to go with the tranny, even introducing them... THE BASTARD! Dante bloody knew it was a dude in drag.

  Sledge glared at his brother. “You set me up.”

  Dante frowned. “For what?”

  “That tranny; you made me think it wuz a chick.”

  Even though Dante looked like death warmed up—with his bloodshot eyes and the dark rings under them—an amused smirk formed across his face. “I thought I wuz doin’ you a favour.”

  “By gettin’ a guy...” Sledge lowered his voice. “...to suck my dick?”

  “Oh, c’mon, a mouth’s a mouth, and you were in need.”

  “Not that much.”

  “What? You didn’t enjoy Roxy? From what she told me you put a huge load down her throat.”

  Sledge screwed up his face. “You’re sick, and you would’ve kicked my arse if I set you up like that.”

  “As I said, a mouth’s a mouth.” Dante grabbed his own crotch and wriggled his eyebrows. “Take it from someone who knows.”

  Sledge’s eyes widened. “You wouldn’t, no, you’re pulling my tits.”

  “I don’t consider tranny’s guys, so they can sucky, sucky long time all they like. But then again, normal guys have sucked me off too, but like trannies, they don’t get anything in return.” He smiled. “Well, other than a mouthful of my cum.”

  “You’re gay?”

  “Nah, guys don’t do it for me, I need a chick to get hard. I’ve only had guys suck me off cos their girlfriends wanted to watch. You should see the look on the chick’s face. Man, it always gets me goin’. Guess it’s like us wanting to watch two females goin’ at it.”

  “Guess that ain’t bad as long as there’s always a chick around.”

  Dante shrugged. “I’ve only done it once without one being there, but that wuz for cash. A pretty guy wanted to blow me, so I gave him a load, but I wuz imagining Angelina Jolie, plus the four-hundred bucks he wuz gonna gimme, cos dudes really do deflate the admiral,” he said, patting his crotch.

  “He gave you four-hundred bucks to blow you?”

  “Yeah, but I should’ve said no, cos he wouldn’t leave me alone afterwards. Pro’bly thought if he blew me good I’d want more. I had to threaten to bust him up just to get him off my back. Still, I’m sure he stalks me, cos he always se
ems to turn up at places when I’m there. Bloody creeps me out.”

  Sledge stared at Dante in disbelief. “I can’t believe you took money let alone went with a dude.”

  “Well, I wuzn’t gonna let him touch me for nuthin’, and it wuz only a oncer, well, with a dude anyway. Plus, I blew all my money at the casino the day before so I wuz kinda desperate.”

  “You took money from chicks too?”

  “Not really. This hot old bird left it next to the bed. I would’ve done her for nuthin’, I’m not a whore.” Dante’s face soured. “But then again, I guess I am one considering I took money from that dude.”

  Sledge shook his head in amazement. The noises he used to hear coming from his brother’s room had always fascinated him, the chicks never quiet. A couple of times he’d even seen a male and female go in with his brother, just imagined it was the chick being concentrated on, not Dante.

  “So, you don’t hate gays?” Sledge asked. God, when did he start was using the word gay instead of fag?

  “Why should I?”

  “Lots of guys do.”

  “Only arrogant fucks who think every gay dude has a hard-on for them, and I don’t give a shit whether someone wants to do a guy or a chick, just as long as it’s consensual.” Dante ran a hand over his face, his expression cracking.

  Sledge breathed out, not wanting to think about what Chaz could be doing to Ash. “I think I’m gay,” he blurted out, the confession preferable to his thoughts.

  “Yeah, I know.”

  Sledge’s face went slack. “What didja say?”

  “I said, I know. It’s hardly a surprise, considering the way you and Corey act around each other.”

  “Wait a mo, how long have you been thinking this?”

  “After he started losing weight I caught you looking at his arse a lot.”

  “I wuzn’t checking him out, his pants were always falling down.”

  “Subconsciously you were checking him out.”

  “No, I wuzn’t.”

  “You can deny it all you want, but I know you like male arses. Roxy told me you fucked her, which made me think you wouldn’t have a problem doin’ Corey. Actually, I kinda thought you two were boyfriends and this wuz a lover’s spat.”

  Sledge’s face burned. “It is not!” He lowered his voice. “I’m not doin’ Corey, and I only let Roxy blow me, cos I thought she wuz a chick.”

  Dante shook his head. “Even denying it to yourself, talk about repressed.”

  “I’m denying nuthin’, cos nuthin’ happened.”

  “Well, Roxy said—”

  “She’s lying.”

  “I’ve already told you I have no problems with what you do, so why’re you denying it?”

  “Cos I’m not gay and I didn’t do anything else to Roxy.”

  “But you just said you think you’re gay.”

  “Well, I’ve changed my mind; I like chicks, full stop.”

  “And tranny’s and Corey. Looks like you’re bi.”

  “But I don’t like other guys, so I can’t be bi.”

  “Would you let a normal looking guy suck you off?”

  “No!”

  “Would you let a pretty or cute one suck you off?”

  “No.”

  “Can you say that any softer?”

  Sledge pulled a face. “Guess I’m bi then, but I prefer chicks.”

  “You’ve been standing out here for two hours, so my guess is you prefer Corey.”

  “But I don’t like dicks, only mine.”

  “Then top the dude like you did Roxy.”

  “Top? What the hell does that mean?”

  “Use him like a chick, dick-arse.”

  Sledge pulled a face. “That’s gross, and I told you I didn’t root Roxy.”

  “You’re lying again, Roxy told me—”

  “She’s the liar! And the next time I see her I’m gonna kick her arse.”

  “Lick her arse? Shit, you really are gay.” Laughing, Dante fended off a punch. “Calm down, bro, I’m joking.”

  “You don’t hafta be a cunt about it.”

  “You have no sense of humour. Anyway, back to Corey. Stop wallowing out here like a love struck twat and go say sorry to him.”

  “I’m not in love.”

  “Fuck you’re not; and Corey will accept your apology. You hafta be blind not to see he’s in love with you, or in your case—dumb.”

  Sledge ignored the insult. “But he said he hates me and never wants to see me again.”

  “You obviously did sumpthin’ to piss him off, so kiss and make up.”

  “I’m not kissing him.”

  “It’s a figure of speech, but maybe you should try it, at least I’ll get a laugh out of it.” Dante fended off another punch then latched onto Sledge’s arms, the smile leaving his face. “If you love the kid don’t waste time, cos you never know what’s gonna happen tomorrow. If I loved someone...” He frowned. “...and they loved me back, I wouldn’t muck around. So go in there and get him back. I want at least one person in this goddamned family to be happy.”

  Sledge nodded.

  Dante let go and patted his arm. “Good on you, bro, and I’m stoked you feel you can confide in me.”

  Sledge smiled, feeling a bit better.

  Dante glanced down at his watch. “Crap, I’m late, I needa get to the police station.”

  “Call me if they have anything new.”

  “Will do.” Dante gave Sledge a quick hug then headed down the corridor, leaving Sledge by himself, holding a half-eaten sandwich and a stomach full of nerves.

  Sledge turned back to Corey’s room, surprised to find his mate looking at him. Corey dropped his gaze, seemingly embarrassed he’d been caught. Sledge wondered how much Corey had heard of the conversation.

  Sledge took a deep breath, then entered the room. Corey kept his gaze down, the swelling on his face making Sledge want to rip Deano out of jail and pummel him into non-existence. Maybe he had a new reason to be a prison guard now. Fuck yeah, he’d make that prick’s life a living hell.

  He stopped at the foot of the bed. “I understand if you wanna yell and scream at me, and you’re right to hate me for what I did, but please gimme another chance and I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

  Corey looked up, his expression surprised. “You’re apologising to me?”

  “Yeah, I wuz a crap friend—” Sledge’s face dropped. “Oh shit, I didn’t meana make you cry.”

  Corey wiped his face. “You don’t needa apologise, it wuz my fault.”

  “No, it wuzn’t,” Sledge said, pulling the curtains around them. He wanted to hug Corey, but kept his hands to himself, not sure how his mate would handle it. “I should never have left you. When I got the call ’bout you gettin’ hurt I wuz already on my way back to you.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, I wuz worried ’bout you.”

  Corey closed his eyes. Sledge dumped the half-eaten sandwich into the rubbish bin then took Corey’s hand, his mate looking too vulnerable not to do anything.

  Corey opened his eyes and looked down at Sledge’s hand. “Mum told me what you said, and I’m sorry I made you cry. I wuz so angry with everything, but I still shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I know I pushed you too much, but I thought when you kissed me I had a chance, then you left and Deano came...” He started crying again.

  Careful not to hurt him, Sledge put his arms around Corey. “He’s in jail now and I’m not leaving and...”

  “...and what?” Corey asked, leaning into Sledge.

  “I love you, babe.”

  Corey pulled back. “You mean mate.”

  “No, I mean babe.”

  Corey appeared confused. “What?”

  Sledge smiled at him. “Just as long as you keep your dick to yourself, you’re my babe.”

  Corey’s mouth fell open.

  “You alright with that?” Sledge asked.

  “Depends on what you think it means.”

  “I do
n’t wanna lose you, and if it means I hafta try new things with you, then I will.” Sledge held up a hand. “Just as long as you don’t push things too far or fast.”

  “Like what?”

  “I’m not touching your dick, I’m not sucking it, and you’re not to tell anyone ’bout us being a couple cos I can’t handle it right now, I really can’t.”

  A slow smile crept across Corey’s face. “You said couple.”

  Sledge nodded.

  “Does that mean you’ll fuck me?”

  Sledge almost choked. “I don’t think you’re up to that right now—or in the near future.” Shit, what had he’d gotten himself into? He’d never fucked a guy before, he hadn’t even done a chick like that—what was the point, they had pussies.

  Corey started babbling, “I’ll get better quick, and the broken leg doesn’t count, cos it’s safe in a cast, and won’t get in the way. And I’ll be outta hospital in a couple of weeks, so we can do sumpthin’ then and...”

  “Hey! Hold up, I said don’t push me.”

  “I’m not pushing, cos you agreed to do me.”

  “Christ! I did not.”

  “But that’s what couples do,” Corey said, looking like he was going to cry again.

  “Don’t look at me like that, I’m not gonna jump into bed with you just like that.”

  Like a light had been switched on, a smile lit up Corey’s face. “You said that like a chick. Do ya want me to court ya?”

  “No, I’m the dude in this relationship, not you, you’re the chick.”

  “Am not, and you said relationship, which means we get to have sex.”

  Sledge exhaled loudly. “I wanna take things slow, so don’t push or call me names.”

  “Okay, then kiss me, and make sure it’s slow.”

  “I can’t do that here.”

  “Why not? The curtains are drawn. Or are you leading me on?”

  “No.”