Suki's Heart

by Indiana Wake

  As the two women wandered away, Suki could hear the gentle chuckling of Honey’s contented father as he watched them disappear.

  “You’re bored, aren’t you?” Honey said the moment they were in the little backroom.

  “I’m certainly tired of my own company,” Suki confessed.

  The backroom of Goodman’s warehouse was a tiny place with nothing more than a small table, two chairs, and a stove.

  Honey set a pan of water on the stove and two mugs onto the table. She spooned some tea leaves into a teapot just big enough to fill the two mugs, and then sat down at the table as she waited for the water to boil.

  “How are you now?” Honey began tentatively. “After Saturday night, I mean.”

  “I’m all right, Honey, don’t look so worried.” Suki tried out a brilliant smile.

  It didn’t work, Honey looked more concerned than ever.

  “You like him, don’t you?”

  “I do,” Suki said with a sigh; it was always much easier to talk to Honey than anybody else.

  Honey worried, of course; she was a good friend, but it wasn’t either the sad concern that her beloved mother had for her, nor was it the more fevered and catastrophic concern of her father. It was much less complicated and therefore much more comfortable for Suki. “The thing is, I don’t really know why I like him. I hardly know him, Honey.”

  “I reckon when we see somebody we really like, we kind of know it straight away.”

  “Have you seen somebody you really like?” Suki asked, wandering off the point somewhat but interested to know anyway.

  “Not yet, but I’m still sure that’s how things work.”

  “I mean, he’s handsome, but then so are a lot of men in town, aren’t they?”

  “Which is what makes me think that you really do like him, Suki. And I know you well enough to know that it would take more than a handsome face and beautiful blue eyes to get your attention. There must be something more. Tell me about him,” she said, surprising Suki with the last.

  “It’s hard to put it into words, really. It isn’t something he said or even really did. It’s just that, when he was calming Dancer down out on the prairie, I could feel a sort of a movement from him, something on the inside. This will sound silly, but it was like a beauty. Not a handsome face or blue eyes sort of beauty, but an inner peace maybe? I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time and I don’t really think I can now, but I keep imagining him there as if in some kind of silent conversation with my horse.”

  “Oh, that sounds dreamy,” Honey said, her romantic instincts suddenly heightened. “Imagine you of all people being able to see on the inside of a person,” she went on and they both laughed.

  “The thing is, I think I had myself convinced that I actually had seen the inside of him. And then Saturday came and all my little hopes came tumbling down.”

  “You had hopes then?” Honey said, unable to stop herself smiling. “I mean, it’s not really like you, is it?”

  “No, I suppose it isn’t,” Suki agreed. “But it’s all by the by now, isn’t it?”

  “Why?” Honey said loudly. “Because of Gracie Thornhill?” She almost spat the name.

  “No, well, yes. Not because of her, exactly, but because of how he seems to like her.”

  “But he doesn’t know her yet, does he? And you don’t really know that he likes her so much, do you? You’re just assuming.”

  “Honey, you saw what I saw. They were so close on that hay bale that it stunned me, I think.”

  “It didn’t stun me,” Honey said, puffed up with pride. “You know what Gracie is like when she wants something. She grips on and she doesn’t let go, she’s like a dog with a raw bone.”

  “I know she is, but it didn’t seem to bother him, did it?”

  “You seem real keen to blame Sonny Reynolds for it all, even though you know what a meddler Gracie Thornhill is.”

  “When he said he hoped to see me at the dance, I thought he meant it. That’s why I felt so foolish, I realized immediately that he was only trying to be friendly. It seems harsh of me to be angry with him for his kindness, but I am. I know there was no way for him to know that I had come to hold onto a little hope, but I did. I did hope, not just to get to know Sonny better, but to be the sort of woman who was brave enough to get to know somebody better.”

  “Which you are, aren’t you? You’ve proved that now, Suki.”

  “Have I? I don’t think so, Honey. And honestly, I don’t think I would risk it again.”

  “Then it’s going to be a long and lonely life, sweetie. And you know I love you, don’t you? You know I couldn’t bear to think of such a life for you.” Honey began to fold the skirt of her pretty gingham dress into little pleats absentmindedly.

  Suki smiled; despite working in a mercantile, Honey always looked neat and pretty.

  “Gracie is a beautiful woman, isn’t she? I suppose I just didn’t want Sonny to be the kind of man who only found that important and nothing else.”

  “But you’re a beautiful woman.”

  “Thank you,” Suki said, chuckling. “But that’s not really the point I’m making.”

  “No, you’re just assuming that Sonny is like so many other young men of his age. The thing is, I’m not so sure. He looked so uncomfortable on Saturday and he was trying so hard to speak to you.”

  “Maybe he realized he’d made a fool of me.”

  “I don’t think it was that. Don’t go believing that he’s head over heels for Gracie Thornhill, because I really would have to see that to believe it myself.”

  “She has a way of catching men’s eyes, Honey. I bet this time won’t be any different.”

  “She might have a way of catching the eye, Suki, but she has no talent for holding onto a man, does she? Sooner or later, they realize what a spiteful little thing she is. You should have seen her face when Sonny got up to talk to you; pure hatred.”

  “I’m not really surprised by that.” Suki shook her head. “She never did like me, did she?”

  Gracie Thornhill had been a sore trial to Suki throughout her school years. Two years younger, Gracie had been trained by her mother to despise the entire Shepherd family and she certainly took that training to heart.

  “It’s ridiculous, carrying on some old animosity like that.” Honey clicked her tongue disapprovingly. “You’d think her mother would have gotten over it by now.”

  “Yes, you would. And I really do think Catherine Thornhill is happy enough with the husband she has. I think it’s just vanity and she can’t forget the fact that my father loved Josie and not her.”

  “Twenty-three years ago.” Honey whistled long and low, a rather masculine act for one so small and pretty. “Sure is a long time to hold a grudge. And in any case, your daddy would never have fallen in love with an old crow like Catherine Thornhill.”

  “Well, she would have been a young crow back then,” Suki said and chuckled despite feeling a little guilty about her own spite. “And Mama tells me that she was very beautiful.”

  “And yet your daddy loved your mama, didn’t he? That’s the problem with some of these overdone women, isn’t it? They set their hopes on being adored for their looks and it tears them up when they realize that not all men are as shallow as they had hoped.”

  “That was very well put, Honey Goodman.”

  “You needn’t look so surprised, sweetie, I do have my moments you know.”

  “I know you do, you certainly have more than me.” Suki grinned. “Oh, I just wish that my daddy wasn’t intent on inviting Sonny for dinner.” She went right back to her most pressing issue.

  “Oh yes, I had forgotten about that!” Honey said, her pretty face brightening with excitement. “When is he to come?”

  “Tomorrow night. Daddy rode over to Felton Lowry’s ranch to look for him yesterday.”

  “On a ranch, he was lucky to find him,” Honey said sensibly.

  “Yes, it seems as if I am fated to suffer this dinner no
matter what I say.”

  “Perhaps, it is fate,” Honey said cryptically.

  “You seem very keen for this dinner to go ahead.”

  “I am keen, because I think you will start to see something more in Sonny Reynolds than just him sitting at Gracie Thornhill’s side.”

  “After last Saturday night, I just think it’s going to be too awkward for me to see anything. Not just awkward for me, but awkward for him too. More awkward if he really has set his sights on Gracie Thornhill, because he’ll feel obliged to come and have dinner with us, won’t he? All the while he will be sitting there thinking that I am the most pathetic creature on earth, my hopeful little heart at the dinner table willing him to see me.”

  “Oh, my goodness, Suki, I had no idea you were so fanciful! You have really spent far too long on your own these last few days if this is what you’re coming up with. You’ve created a whole story around something that hasn’t happened yet.” Honey’s laughter began to swell, and it was very quickly on the verge of being uncontrollable. “You ought to write that down, you might be able to make a book out of it.”

  “Very funny!” Suki said, but laughed, nonetheless. “I know it’s silly, but these are the things which have rolled around my mind for the last few days. You’re right, I have been alone too much. But still, I’m not looking forward to it. Every time I think about it, I feel my cheeks burning. I’m embarrassed already and it hasn’t even arrived yet. I’m going to need every ounce of strength to get me through tomorrow night.”

  “No, you do not need every ounce of strength. He’s just a man, Suki, not a sworn enemy. Just be polite, as if he were any other friend of your daddy’s coming for dinner.”

  “Yes, I suppose I could do that,” Suki said, wondering if she really could.

  If she could, it would certainly save her a lot of embarrassment and even go some way to erasing the feelings of foolishness she had been suffering from for almost a week.

  “But don’t overdo it,” Honey said, and Suki sighed loudly, flinging her arms out to her sides in exasperation.

  “What?” she asked incredulously. “Which is it to be?”

  “Just play it by ear, Suki. If he comes in and seems as if he wants to find some way to explain things, then listen. You might actually find that your version of events isn’t the truth. And if it is the truth, then go back to the original plan and treat him nicely as you would any other guest. But you’ll have to wait and see, Suki. There’s no way of telling how it’s going to go, and I do feel for you, really, I do. I can see that you’re nervous and I really wish you weren’t. But you can’t know until he arrives, can you? Just keep an open mind and go with your feelings. In the end, that’s all you can do.”

  “I’ll try,” Suki said, realizing immediately that such emotional fluidity was beyond her sphere of understanding. “The water is boiling,” she said with a smile as she wracked her brains for some other sort of conversation to have now.

  As much as she had needed to talk about Sonny Reynolds, she decided now that she wanted to put him out of mind until he arrived at the Shepherd family dinner table the following day.

  Chapter Eleven

  Sonny walked his horse slowly through the town on his way up to the Shepherd family farmhouse. He’d only worked the morning for Felton Lowry that day, deciding he ought to go back to the boardinghouse and clean himself up beforehand. He’d gone to some effort, too, wearing clean black trousers he’d had made with the extra money he had been earning of late, a soft green plaid shirt, and his best boots, the ones he never, ever wore for work but saved for the Sunday Service and the barn dance.

  Mrs. Marley, disappointed that he wouldn’t be staying in the boarding house for dinner as usual, had looked at him appreciatively nonetheless and promised him he would have a fine time with the Shepherd family; they were good people.

  His thick black hair really needed a cut, but he’d been working every hour he could lately and just hadn’t found a moment to go to the town barber. But, all in all, he thought he looked well enough to sit down and have dinner with people who were, essentially, perfect strangers.

  Suki Shepherd didn’t feel like a perfect stranger to him, however, even though he was sure he couldn’t claim to know her well. But there was something about her determination to keep to herself which had told him more about her than an evening of the most obvious attention from Gracie Thornhill could have. Suki, with her reticence, had actually given away part of her own character; a part which had intrigued him and made him want to find out more about.

  All he really knew about Gracie Thornhill was that he did not particularly like her. That and the fact that Gracie clearly did not like Suki. He hadn’t gotten to the bottom of why, but nobody hearing that young woman spit venom could have been in any doubt.

  Gracie Thornhill, despite being pleased that he returned to her after only a few brief moments with Suki, had been irked by it, nonetheless. She went on to spend the next twenty minutes telling him how aloof Suki was, how she thought herself too good for any man, and how the town despised her for it.

  Sonny hadn’t believed a word of it, even the accusation of aloofness. He knew there was more to Suki’s reticence than the idea that nobody was good enough for her. In fact, he had begun to suspect it to be fear more than anything else. Maybe she didn’t trust easily, a feeling he could understand himself. That would certainly explain her cold reception of him when he’d made his way over to where she was sitting.

  He’d been so awkward, knowing that his guilt likely showed on his face. But he knew he’d done nothing wrong, nothing beyond being waylaid by one of the most determined young women he’d ever met.

  But Suki’s rejection had bitten him deep, a feeling he hadn’t been able to shake immediately. He felt annoyed by it, wronged by it, and by the time he had returned to Gracie Thornhill, he was angry that Suki hadn’t given him a moment to explain. That feeling had been followed by others, each telling him that he had nothing at all to explain to the woman who had showed so little interest to him in the first place.

  And it was that feeling of his pride being hurt which led him, regrettably, to dance with Gracie Thornhill. At the time, he could see no reason not to. He’d gone out to enjoy himself and had been rebuffed by the only woman he really wanted to dance with. But he had only been on the dance floor with Gracie for a matter of minutes when he realized what a mistake it was. He didn’t want to dance with Gracie; not to get back at Suki, certainly. He didn’t want to dance with Gracie Thornhill at all, whatever the circumstances.

  He only stood up for the one dance before making his excuses and leaving the town barn early. And it was early, for latecomers were still making their way in as he made his way out.

  The sun was only just beginning to go down as he jumped down from his horse at the front of the farmhouse. He set his reins and laid them across the fencing, opening the gate and letting his horse into the small paddock for the evening.

  “Sonny!” John Shepherd burst out of the house with a broad smile on his face, bearing down upon him with his hand outstretched. “Come on in, dinner won’t be long.”

  Sonny followed him, a feeling of trepidation in the pit of his stomach as he went. He was certain there would be little opportunity to explain anything to Suki at the dinner table, not with her parents there. And, in the end, he wasn’t entirely sure that any explanation would go down very well. After all, he couldn’t really go into details and leave out the fact that he had danced with Gracie Thornhill.

  It wasn’t a big thing, it had meant nothing to him, and yet he sensed that it would do his cause no good, whatsoever. Maybe in the end, he would stay away from the whole subject altogether.

  “Sonny, this is my wife, Josie Shepherd,” John Shepherd said enthusiastically when he led Sonny into a large, square kitchen.

  It was the homeliest place he’d ever seen in his life, a hive of activity with signs of meal preparation everywhere. There was a large wooden table set ready for the
ir meal and logs set ready in the fire grate in case the evening took a turn and became chilly.

  There was framed embroidery, flowers, and all manner of touches that he was certain made a home a real home. It was a far cry from the small shack he had been raised in, with signs of pride in the home that had been lacking in his father’s household.

  A young boy was already seated at the table, smiling as broadly as his mother did. Mother and son were like two peas in a pod, just as father and daughter were.

  “I sure am pleased to meet you at last, Sonny,” Josie Shepherd said warmly, dispensing with any formality before it had even begun. “And I will always be grateful to you for getting my daughter safely home that day.”

  “It’s nice to meet you too, Mrs. Shepherd,” he said politely. “And it was nothing, really.”

  “Sit yourself down at the table. John, would you pour Sonny a glass of ale for me please? I’ve just got a few minutes before this meat pie is ready to come out of the oven.”

  “Sure thing,” John said, ushering Sonny into a seat.

  “Hello there,” Sonny said and smiled at the young boy at the table. “I’m Sonny.” He held out his hand and the boy shook it, grinning the entire time.

  “I’m Jed. I’m only thirteen, much younger than my sister. She’s twenty-three, ten years older than I am,” he said with all the exuberance of youth.

  “Honey, I’m not too sure your sister would be glad for you to give her age away at the table,” Josie Shepherd said, laughing good-naturedly at her bright, talkative son.

  They were a warm family, a loving family, and Sonny felt equally included and a little sad. He would have given anything to have been raised in such a home, not for its comforts, but for its love.

  Even if Josie Shepherd was not truly Suki’s mother, he envied Suki for the fact that she had been raised by such a woman. If only some kind lady had come into his life when he was young and taught him that there were women who stayed. There were women who did not turn their back at the first sign of trouble.

  He knew it had clouded his view of the world and, more than that, it had made every relationship he’d had into something fleeting and inconsequential. What was the point in throwing your heart at a woman when all she would do was leave you in the end?