Everywhere & Nowhere

by Tracy Lorraine

  Focusing on what’s next for us, I turn to Denny. “Guess what?”

  “What?” he asks around a mouthful of toast.

  “Mummy and Daddy are getting married.”

  A bright smile lights up his face as he looks between the two of us. Dragging my eyes away from him, I glance over at Jay, who’s also looking down at Denny with a wide smile. I can still see the shadows in his eyes from my refusal earlier, but I hope he understands.

  “Do I get to wear a suit? And be pageboy?”

  “You sure do, buddy.”

  “And does that mean you’re coming to live with us? Mummies and Daddies usually live together.”

  Jay glances up at me and he once again looks a little unsure of himself.

  “Of course, baby. As soon as we get back we’ll get all Daddy’s stuff.”

  “Yesssss.”

  “When was the last time you had a proper Christmas dinner?” I ask Jay as we walk into the supermarket later that day.

  “Uh…” he grunts sadly as he thinks. “Not since I was a kid. Once my dad left, everything went to hell.”

  I reach out and wrap my hand around his. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. I’m not sure if its for asking the question in the first place when I knew it would only drag up old memories, or for what his Christmases had been like in the past. “We’ll make up for all of them this year,” I promise as we make our way down the first aisle.

  “It’s already a million times better. Thank you.” He leans over and places his lips to mine for a quick kiss, but even that sends tingles shooting around my body.

  I know we’re only staying here for five days before moving on, but knowing I need to make this the best Christmas ever, for both my men, means the trolley is overflowing with food and drink when we eventually make it back to the car.

  “Where exactly were you planning on putting all that?” Jay asks with a laugh, looking between the bags and Peggy.

  “It’ll be fine.”

  “Are you sure that letter will be okay?” Denny asks from the backseat where he’s surrounded by bags of food.

  “Santa doesn’t need letters, baby. He knows where all the good children are,” I say, for the thousandth time, trying to put his concerns about missing out to one side.

  “But how does he know?”

  I see Jay flick a look over at me from the driver’s seat, his face amused.

  “He just does. But we left that letter with our address just in case he has any issues.”

  “What if he can’t find us?”

  “He will find us, baby.”

  Jay’s smile only gets wider the longer the conversation goes on. “Feel free to help out any time,” I whisper with a laugh.

  “You’re doing just fine on your own.”

  The amusement on his face is wiped away when his phone starts ringing. “Shit,” he mutters. “Sorry, but I need to get this.”

  “Okay,” I say as he indicates and pulls off to the side of the road.

  I wasn’t expecting him to get out of the car before answering but that’s exactly what he does. I decide it’s probably something to do with the garage before Denny starts talking about Santa again and distracts me.

  “Sorry about that. Ready to get back?” Jay asks when he gets back in. I go to question him about his phone call but he leans over and plants a kiss on my lips and places his palm on my thigh. His contact ensures all thoughts vanish in favour of focusing on him.

  The tingles his simple kiss ignited in the car continue throughout our short drive home and the entire time we put the shopping away. It’s not helped by the little caresses and kisses he grants me every time he’s in touching distance. Glancing over at Denny, who’s sat in the middle of the living room watching some Christmas film, I wonder if we’d get away with sneaking off for a few minutes.

  My hopes are soon squashed when Denny perks up and tells me he’s hungry. Jay winks at me when I look over at him. The cheeky smile on his face tells me he could read my thoughts, and I can’t help a blush tinting my cheeks.

  “Don’t worry, it’ll happen the first chance we get,” he says with a gentle slap to my arse.

  “Time for bed, baby,” I say, trying to drag Denny’s attention from the TV.

  “But—” he starts to argue but I’m having none of it.

  “It’s Christmas Eve tomorrow,” I remind him. “And you’ve been such a good boy all year. It would be a shame to spoil it now.”

  He huffs out a big breath and eventually starts to get himself up, sulking towards an amused Jay to say goodnight.

  “But I wanted to go in the hot tub,” he tells Jay as he looks longingly over his shoulder and out the window.

  “I know, buddy. We’ll go in tomorrow.” I can see a little trepidation on Jay’s face and it makes me wonder what the issue could be. I know he’s not scared of water.

  “Promise you won’t go in without me.”

  “Promise.”

  That satisfies Denny enough to say goodnight and head off to bed, albeit with a sad, sulky face.

  “Did you mean that promise?” I ask Jay when I re-join him on the sofa with a fresh glass of wine and a beer for him.

  “I wouldn’t lie to a five-year-old, Skittles. Why, did you have plans?”

  “Uh…” I stutter as thoughts of what I had in mind for the hot tub flush my cheeks. “It’s fine. You’ve promised now, so I’ll just forget about it.” I plonk myself down and grab the TV guide. “Oh look, Love Actually is on in a bit. It wouldn’t be Christmas if we didn’t watch it, so I guess it all worked out perfectly.”

  From the look in Jay’s eyes, I expect him to snatch the magazine out of my hands and march me to the bedroom, but he surprises me by relaxing back into the corner and pulling me into him. “I’ve never seen it.”

  “You’ve never seen it?” I repeat, astounded by his admission.

  “Nope.”

  Thoughts of how he must have spent his Christmases over the years dampen my mood a little, but it’s soon forgotten when he leans his head down to kiss me.

  We have the most incredible night. It’s everything I dreamt of after he didn’t come back. I’d have given anything for him just to hold me one more time. I’m still trying to wrap my head around how we got here. Everything that’s happened with Jay has been such a whirlwind, both back then and the past few weeks. I know I told Jay that I needed time before we could get together, but I mostly spent that time missing him like crazy. In hindsight, I don’t think it was worth it. I still feel as guilty as ever whenever I think about Alex and how I treated him, but every time I look at Jay, I can’t believe how lucky I am to have a second chance with him.

  This really is the thing dreams are made of.

  Chapter Two

  “It’s Christmas Eve,” Denny squeals excitedly at some ungodly hour the next morning.

  I open my eyes and his blurry smiling face wakes me up instantly. Feeling movement beside me, I glance over my shoulder to find Jay still in bed. It’s a weird sight because I don’t think I’ve ever woken up next to him before; he’s always been gone.

  “Morning,” he croaks out as he rolls over onto his side and places a kiss on my shoulder. “Hey, bud.” No sooner have the words left his mouth than he’s moving again so he’s lying on his back. Looking over at him, I want to reassure him that it’s fine, that Denny will probably think his scars are cool and make him an even bigger hero, but I keep my mouth shut.

  Denny must be able to sense something’s up because his face drops when he sees Jay roll away from him and look to the other side of the room.

  “Are you hungry?” I ask, trying to distract both of them.

  Unsurprisingly, Denny’s answer is yes, so I tell him to go out to the kitchen while I get myself sorted.

  “Stop worrying, he isn’t going to care,” I say, rolling over to Jay and forcing him to look at me.

  He doesn’t say anything but I can see his turmoil in the depths of his eyes.

  “Denny loves you. Yo
u’re his hero, and what you’ve been through will only make that more evident in his eyes. Talk to him.”

  I understand how strange this must be for him. He hasn’t been eased into parenthood, instead thrust right into the middle of it. I start to wonder if this road trip might not have been the best decision after all. He can’t really get away if he needs a break to get his head together.

  “I don’t even know where to start. He’s five; he doesn’t need to know about all the ugliness in the world.”

  “That may be true, but it’s a world he’s going to have to live in. You don’t need to give him all the details. He already knows you were a soldier, he knew you were in anther country fighting. Just talk to him—you’ll find he has more understanding than you give him credit for.”

  “It’s not that I don’t think he’ll understand, it’s that he’ll understand too much.”

  “You can’t wrap him up in cotton wool, Jay. As much as you want to protect him, he needs to know all this stuff. What if he wants to follow in your footsteps—” Jay’s eyes go hard and he cuts off what I’m saying instantly.

  “No,” he argues sternly.

  “Jay,” my voice is soft as I reach out to cup his cheek, “he has to make his own decisions, as hard as they may be.” In truth, just the thought of Denny following in his dad’s footsteps scares the shit out of me, but I would never try to stop him from something he wants to do.

  I watch as Jay lets out a long breath and scrubs his hands over his face. “Is parenthood always this fucking scary? Do you ever feel like you know what you’re doing?”

  “No—never. I make it up as I go along.”

  “But you’re so perfect. You just seem to know how to deal with everything.”

  Tears fill my eyes and I feel my bottom lip tremble.

  “Shit, what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, it’s just…” I pause as I try to pull myself back together. “No one’s ever told me that before. Mum was always the one to support and encourage me, but with her gone…I just…I think I really needed to hear that.”

  Jay pulls me on top of him and holds me tightly. “Didn’t he ever tell you that?” he whispers in my ear.

  “It wasn’t the same. Hearing it from you means everything to me.”

  I feel myself starting to well up again so I sit up and wipe my eyes before grabbing my pyjamas so I can go and sort Denny out.

  “Erin,” Jay says, as I’m about to leave the room.

  Stopping and looking back, I see he’s sat in the middle of the bed with the covers pooled around his waist. I can’t help my eyes dropping to his sculpted chest before they find his. I watch as he swallows and his fingers grasp the duvet. It’s a long couple of seconds as we stare at each other before he remembers he was the one who called me back.

  “I love you,” he eventually says, his voice full of emotion.

  “I love you, too, Jay.”

  “Mummy” being called through the cottage puts an end to our little moment.

  I set about making us all breakfast as I hear Jay get up and go straight into the shower. Everything in me wants to stop what I’m doing and join him, but I can’t; I’ve got a hungry child to sort out.

  “That smells incredible,” Jay says when he appears a while later just as I’m lifting the bacon from the grill pan. “I missed you,” he whispers so only I can hear when he comes to stand next to me before kissing the sensitive skin below my ear.

  A quiet whimper leaves my lips before Denny once again complains about being hungry.

  “Can we go in the hot tub now?” he asks the second he’s finished eating.

  “It’s up to Daddy.” I don’t miss the panic on Jay’s face again, I don’t want to force him into anything before he’s ready. I already know it’s him Denny’s going to want to go in with.

  “Please, Daddy. You promised.” Denny gives him the look—the one I’m sure no parent is ever able to say no to.

  Jay’s eyes flick over to me and I smile encouragingly at him. I know he’s making a bigger deal out of this than he needs to, but I understand his concerns.

  “Yeah…sure,” he says, unconvincingly.

  “Yes!” Denny squeals before getting up and running towards his room to get changed.

  “Go and help him find his shorts and you can talk to him,” I encourage, nodding in Denny’s direction.

  I can’t help but smile when Jay disappears off after Denny. My big strong army man is afraid of a five-year-old.

  I desperately want to go and eavesdrop, but I fight it and continue with the washing up. I want Jay to do this alone. I think it’s important.

  It’s only a few minutes later when Denny comes running back through the kitchen dressed in his swim shorts and dragging a towel behind him. He doesn’t stop to say anything he just continues out the door and onto the decking. He stands looking very cold, waiting for Jay to come out and take the lid off so they can get in.

  “Everything okay?” I ask when Jay walks into the room a few seconds later.

  “Yeah, you were right.”

  “Of course,” I say with a laugh. “What did he say?”

  “That scars are cool!” Jay rolls his eyes, and the move reminds me so much of our son.

  I resist the urge to say I told you so. Instead, I nod my head towards the door. “I think he’s waiting for you.”

  Jay gives me a quick kiss and tells me to hurry up and join them before marching from the room. The sight of his naked back, as always, makes me a little sad. But I’m so proud of him for being open with Denny and for showing him the amazing man he really is.

  I stand at the sink in front of the window and watch them for the longest time. Nothing makes me happier than seeing the wide smiles on both their faces while they mess about in the water, splashing each other and making a whirlpool with their bodies. Images of Jay surrounded by our children flash into my mind.

  Eventually, my attention catches Jay’s eye. His expression brightens even more when he realises I’m watching them before he waves me out to join them. I dry my hands and walk over to the back door.

  “Are you getting in, or what?”

  “You look like you’re having plenty of fun without me.” It’s not that I don’t want to join them—I do, more than anything, but I’m aware that Jay and Denny need to spend some quality time together.

  “Get your arse in here,” Jay demands.

  “Yeah, Mummy!” Denny says with his hands on his hips. I’m a little taken aback by his attitude, but really, what can I expect now he’s spending time with Jay?

  “I’m going, I’m going,” I say with my hands up in defeat, deciding I don’t need to tell Denny off when he’s enjoying himself so much.

  I make quick work of stripping my pyjamas off and slipping into my new bikini. I ordered it specially when I found out we had a hot tub here. Knowing I was going to be sharing it with Jay meant I really didn’t want to wear my usual child friendly all-in-one.

  Taking one last look in the mirror, I wrap a towel around myself and walk out to join my men.

  The second I step into the kitchen, the sound of their laughter hits my ears and my pace increases with the need to join in.

  My movement stops Jay in his tracks. His eyes run over my towel clad body and I watch as they darken with his desire. Butterflies erupt in my stomach under his gaze. I take a big breath before untucking the towel and letting it drop to the ground. Jay bites down on his bottom lip as his eyes dart around my body, not knowing where to look first.

  Thankfully, Denny is totally unaware of what’s going on; he’s too busy playing with the lights.

  “Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea,” Jay mutters as I see him shift about in his seat.

  I can’t help the wicked smile that creeps onto my lips. I’ve never been much of a flirt, but seeing Jay obviously struggling brings it out of me.

  “Oops,” I say before bending over to pick up the towel I dropped.

  I hear Jay’s growl loud and clear b
efore Denny asks him what’s wrong.

  I’m still laughing after I’ve placed the towel over the back of a chair and turn towards them. However, Jay doesn’t look so amused. His eyes are still dark, and they’re narrowed at me in warning.

  His stare doesn’t waver as I start moving towards him. His intensity sends electric waves straight to my clit, and the only thing I can focus on is getting to him.

  The words hurry up, Mummy somehow break through my lust fogged brain and I shake my head to allow reality to seep back in.

  “I’ve forgotten something,” I say in a rush before turning and walking back into the cottage, not forgetting to ensure I have a little extra sway to my hips.

  I don’t need to because I know his eyes are still on me, I can feel them, but when I get to the hallway, I look back over my shoulder. As expected, Jay’s stare is glued to my arse. I smile to myself before rushing into our bedroom to grab what I need.

  “What’s that?” Denny asks the second he sees me with a present in my hands.

  “An early Christmas present. Here,” I say, handing him a towel. “Dry your hands and you can open it.”

  He rushes to do as I say before holding out his hands for the box excitedly. I chance a glance over to Jay, who’s quietly sat in the corner. I can still see the heat in his eyes, but his curiosity is getting the better of him.

  “Ah cool,” Denny exclaims as he drops the first of three rubber ducks into the hot tub. The elf duck bobs off happily while he pulls the reindeer and Santa duck from the box. “Thank you, Mummy.”

  “You’re welcome, baby.” I smile as I watch the three of them float around.

  “Are you getting in now?” Jay asks, sounding bored.

  “I am,” I say before taking his outstretched hand and stepping into the warm water. “Oooh, that’s good,” I groan as my body sinks down into the soothing water.

  I can feel his eyes on me but I don’t dare look over for fear of wanting to do something very inappropriate for our five-year-old to watch. Instead, I reach out and grab the closest duck to me before throwing it at Denny.

  Jay clearly isn’t amused, because moments later I feel his hand wrap around my waist and he pulls me to his side.