Still Go Crazy (Swoon Series Book 5)

by J. H. Croix

  “I was, but I’m not now. I swear. Have you talked to Diana since last night?”

  I’d already decided brutal honesty was the only way to go. “I called her on the drive home after I called her mother. We’re not close. At all. But I figured her family should know where she was. Grace, I don’t know what to say. I feel bad for her, but I really can’t be there for her.”

  Grace had pulled out a loaf of bread, and I immediately recognized the label—fresh bread from Wake & Bake Café, a popular local place in town. My mouth started watering, but I kept my focus on the conversation. She started slicing the bread and put butter in a pan to melt with crushed garlic.

  “I’m angry about what she did to you, but I feel terrible she’s going through this again. Is she going to fly back home?”

  “Yeah. Her mom already bought her a ticket. I think she’s pretty embarrassed. Lord knows why she hooked up with that guy again. He doesn’t seem like the nicest guy. With that and her having another miscarriage, well, I can’t even imagine how she’s feeling.”

  Grace stirred the melting butter as she looked over at me. After a beat, she offered, “I certainly don’t hold it against her for not having great judgment around men. I haven’t exactly been a winner in that area.”

  I literally felt the barb of those words as a visceral sting on the surface of my heart, almost flinching. Grace must’ve seen the expression on my face because her eyes widened.

  “I wasn’t talking about you. Since we’re being honest, there’s only one other guy I kind of got serious with. I say ‘kind of’ because it was a one-way street. He cheated on me with a girl in my grad program.”

  Anger jolted through me, hot and furious. “Fucking asshole,” I said flatly. “Can you tell me who he is so I can kick his ass?”

  Her smile was bitter. “Leave it alone, Boone. It’s just I didn’t see it coming, you know? Anyway, I’m mad at Diana for what she did to you, but I feel really bad for her.”

  “Yeah, me too. That whole situation with her was just nuts.” I paused, uncertain what else to say.

  Grace turned off the burner and lifted the pot, slowly pouring it over the loaf of sliced bread. “Damn, that looks good, sugar.”

  The endearment just slipped out. We’d gotten comfortable enough these last few weeks. My eyes swung to hers. Grace met my gaze, holding it as her lips curled into a small smile.

  “I’m glad you’re here, Boone,” she said softly.

  Emotion hit me so hard, my chest tightened. “You have no idea how much that means.”

  I hadn’t realized how afraid I was that she’d shut me out again until she didn’t. I stood, ignoring my protesting muscles and walked around the island to step behind her and slide my arms around her waist. Dipping my chin into the sweet curve of her neck, I dropped a soft kiss there.

  “You’re distracting me,” she murmured.

  “Don’t worry, this is about all I can do.”

  Leaning back, she turned her head to the side and looked at me. “Are you okay?”

  “Just sore. We had to do a lot of climbing today. I just need the ibuprofen to kick in.” My stomach growled loudly. “And I could seriously use some food.”

  Grace pressed a kiss to my cheek and nudged me back. “Go sit down on the couch with Wayne. The food will be ready in a few minutes, and you need to rest.”

  Much as I didn’t want to leave the warmth of her body, I was too damn tired to do much else other than sit down. “Following orders,” I teased as I stepped back, letting my arms fall away from her.

  I must’ve dozed off for a few minutes, but the scent of the garlic bread woke me up. I opened my eyes to see Grace quietly setting a plate with the sliced bread on the coffee table by the couch. Her eyes whipped up to mine. “Oh! I was trying to be quiet.”

  “I need to eat more than I need to sleep.”

  She hurried back to the kitchen. “The lasagna’s ready too. Don’t move, I’m bringing it over. What do you want to drink?” she called.

  “I’ll take some water. I need to hydrate.”

  I propped myself up with an extra cushion behind my back as I leaned forward to snag several slices of the garlic bread. When I bit into it, the rich, buttery, garlic flavor elicited a moan of satisfaction. “Fuck, this is so good, Grace,” I said as she returned with the pan of lasagna and two bowls.

  She set the lasagna down on an oven mitt on the coffee table and shooed Wayne away when he sniffed at it. “You can’t eat that.” She gave him a stern look.

  “Amazing,” I said for emphasis when I took another bite of the bread.

  She looked up from serving lasagna in one of the bowls. “It’s just garlic bread, Boone.”

  “Yeah, but it’s incredible.”

  The last thing I remembered that night was collapsing against the pillows after eating and telling Grace she’d better not let me fall asleep alone on the couch. I came awake to the feel of her lips dusting my cheek. I was in her bed with the sheets tangled around my legs and her smelling like fresh soap.

  “Where are you going?” I asked as I dragged my eyes open.

  “I’m working a shift this morning. Sleep as late as you need. I unlocked the door upstairs again.”

  “You work too much.” I tried to coax her onto the bed with a little tug on her waist.

  “I need the tips, and I’m going to be late.” She smiled as she pressed another quick kiss to my forehead and stood quickly. My body was still tired, and I couldn’t bring myself to get up. “I’ll see you later.” She hurried out of the room, and I fell back asleep almost instantly.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Grace

  Dr. Sue, my OB-GYN, looked up from her computer tablet. “I probably could’ve saved you a bit of trouble if you’d come to me as soon as you got the migraines. Based on this timeline, you started getting them about two months after I started you on that new birth control pill.”

  I let out a sigh. “Fine. I should’ve checked with you. I just didn’t connect the headaches to my birth control. Plus, that’s the one that you recommended.”

  “True, and it works for many women. But side effects happen. There are plenty of options. We can try a different pill, or you can switch to an IUD or the shot. Your call.”

  “Are you sure it’s the pill?”

  She set her computer tablet on the counter before looking back in my direction. “We’re not sure. But the quickest way to find out is to switch it. Within a month or so, we should know.”

  “And if it’s not that?”

  “Then, you’re one of those unlucky people who get migraines for no specific medical reason. It’s not the end of the world, although I do understand it’s miserable. So, let’s discuss your options. I want you to stop taking that pill immediately.”

  “I can stop just like that?”

  “According to your prescription, as of yesterday, you just finished the last cycle. So your timing for this appointment couldn’t have been better.”

  “Now, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. The last time we discussed your birth control, you were not in a committed relationship, but you wanted to stay on birth control for consistency. Is that still the case?” she asked matter-of-factly.

  The last time I’d actually discussed my sex life with my doctor had been when I was dating John. She caught my eye, and I sighed. “Well, I’m no longer with that asshole who turned out to be cheating on me.”

  “Are you sexually active though? I’m not asking to be nosy.”

  “You asked that like you’re asking what I had for breakfast.”

  Dr. Sue smiled slightly. “To me, it’s as basic as breakfast. Because of your irregular periods before, I would recommend something to manage that. If you’re sexually active, I’d recommend also using condoms to protect from STD’s.”

  I certainly didn’t want to get into my internal indecision around Boone. “I am sexually active and only with one person.” There. At least I told the truth.

  After she
ran through the options, I settled on a hormonal IUD because it had the least side effects. She had me take ibuprofen because she warned me I would experience some cramping after the insertion. I scheduled a followup appointment six weeks later because she wanted enough time to see how I did with the change.

  After I left her office, I drove into Asheville. I had a meeting with my dissertation advisor and didn’t want to do it over the phone. My mind kept bouncing around on Boone. Given the circumstances, I didn’t think I overreacted to Diana’s appearance, but it had gotten me thinking. Just like I had before, I was letting things roll along too quickly as far as the state of my heart.

  After Boone and I broke up before, I hadn’t dated anyone for a bit, and then I’d frantically tried to find someone to love. The frantic quality of my feelings had been two-fold. There’d been my bruised pride and the underlying insecurity that so many women fell prey to in our world. No matter what we told ourselves, society bombarded us with messages about how we needed to find a man. Even worse, we’re supposed to find a man, but also be independent and brilliant. The social standards we faced were enough to make us crazy.

  So yeah, I made some not-so-great choices when it came to men after Boone and now had plenty of trust issues to lug around.

  My doctor’s question about whether I was exclusive with anyone was quite prescient. I didn’t have the answer. My heart—my not-so-smart heart that wanted old wounds to heal over once and for all—was driving this boat blindly.

  Walking down the hallway to my advisor’s office, I heard someone say my name as I rounded the corner. I recognized the voice, all too well. As if conjured by the circumstances in my life, John, my asshole ex was walking down the hall, a smile on his face. Fuck my life.

  He stopped in front of me, leaning his shoulder against the wall. “Hey, Grace. I thought that was you.”

  I smiled tightly. “Hi, John. As you can see it is, in fact, me.” I moved to step around him, but his hand caught me at the elbow. Looking back, I asked, “What?”

  “I think an apology is overdue.”

  “I’m not looking for your apology, John. We’ve been over for a long time.”

  “Better late than never, right?” He threw one of his roguish smiles in my direction. With his shaggy brown hair, blue eyes, and classically handsome features, John had once charmed me far too easily.

  However, it didn’t work this time. I observed his effect from a detached point of view. That little twinkle in his blue eyes, the teasing smile, and the way he held my gaze as if I were the only woman in the world.

  Right. For John, there was never just any one woman in the world. After I had found out about him cheating on me with another woman in my graduate program, I later found out that wasn’t the first. I was well over it. Well, except for that pesky trust problem.

  “Sure, if you need to apologize, go ahead.” I gave my elbow a little shake, dislodging his hand, and stepping back as I hugged my laptop bag to my chest.

  Although I had no need to defend myself from John, his appearance at this moment brought up too many memories of just how hard I’d looked for someone to fill the void created by what happened with Boone. And here I was, already falling for Boone again. Hell, I’d taken the dive myself and dragged him with me.

  “I’m sorry,” John said, looking so ridiculously sincere I actually had to fight back a laugh. “I screwed things up with you, Grace. If I could do it all over again, I’d get it right this time and appreciate what I had with you.”

  “Thanks, John.” I honestly didn’t know what else to say.

  “I don’t suppose you’d give me that chance,” he said. This time his smile deepened, and he dipped his head low, staring directly into my eyes.

  “Oh, for Christ’s sake, John. We’re not doing this again. I have absolutely no interest.”

  John shrugged easily. “Can’t fault a guy for trying. I just might not give up, Grace.”

  “John, forget it. Please. Have a nice day,” I said as I shook my head, turning away and walking quickly down the hallway.

  Hell if I knew why John wanted a second chance. I supposed he was bored, or perhaps he’d burned through too many bridges.

  I kicked him to the curb mentally and settled in for my meeting. As I drove back to Stolen Hearts Valley that afternoon, I told myself John had done me a small favor. He’d reminded me why I needed to not to be stupid about anything. Although I didn’t think Boone was anything like John, he had more thoroughly broken my heart.

  I doubted anyone could break my heart as wholly as Boone had. I wanted to learn from my own mistakes. With that in mind, I resolved to be careful.

  Boone knocked on my door that night. I opened it to find him there with takeout and a bottle of my favorite red wine from Lost Deer Winery. Of course, I couldn’t resist and spent yet another night tangled up in his arms.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Boone

  “Hell if I know,” I muttered, running a hand through my hair and kicking my heel against the wall behind me.

  Dawson chuckled. “You’d better know, dude. If there’s one thing I’ve figured out about relationships, it’s that you have to know how you feel and talk about it.”

  Wade drained the water bottle in his hand, tossing the empty bottle into the bin nearby and rolling his eyes. “Oh, so you’re in your first relationship ever, and now you’re a fucking expert?”

  Dawson wasn’t even flustered. “I am. At least about knowing you have to communicate.”

  “How did I get lucky enough to be the recipient of your unsolicited advice?” I queried.

  We were waiting for our crew superintendent for a team meeting. For some damn reason, Dawson decided this was the time to ask for a personal update on my status with Grace. Considering that I wasn’t too clear on what Grace wanted me to discuss openly with our shared friends, I had my hesitations to begin with. That said, I’d been direct with the guys that I intended to get Grace back once and for all this time.

  Dawson shrugged. “Evie’s worried about Grace. They’re besties, you know?”

  “Of course I know, dude. I went to high school with them.”

  Dawson nodded. “Exactly. I’m sure you know Evie’ll kick my ass if you hurt Grace again. And, for God’s sake, don’t put us in a situation where we have to choose sides. I don’t even wanna think about that.”

  Wade chuckled. “Seeing as Grace hardly talked to Boone for almost a year and we managed, it’ll be fine.”

  I looked to Lucas, who’d been quiet thus far during this exchange. “Anything to offer?” I teased.

  Lucas arched a brow. “Not much. Although Dawson is right.”

  “About what?”

  “It’s my experience women don’t appreciate it when you’re vague about your feelings.”

  “I’m not being vague,” I protested. “I’m not sure what Grace wants right now. If I could get away with it, I’d ask her to marry me tomorrow. I think if I pull that, she’ll tell me I’m crazy. It’s only been a few days since Diana showed up and made me look like an asshole.”

  “Yeah, but you sorted that out right quick,” Jackson chimed in.

  Thank God for small favors. Diana had taken a plane back to Colorado. I was still puzzled as to why she flew all the way here to try to cry on my shoulder. My mother had suggested it was just emotional confusion. Whatever the hell it was, I hoped that was the last I saw of her.

  “Since it’s a group vote at this point, you might as well tell me what you think,” I said, glancing at Walker.

  Walker looked up. “I am not the man to ask about relationships.”

  “Uh, okay then, thanks.”

  Dawson interjected, “Just don’t fuck it up. Otherwise, I’ll be fielding interference with Evie. She’s super protective of Grace.”

  The following evening, I leaned back in my chair at Lost Deer Bar, letting my eyes scan around the space. The night wasn’t too busy yet, but the only person I was looking for was Grace. I’d spent my d
ay off at my mother’s house, working on the deck I was rebuilding for her. When Dawson had texted to invite me to meet him and some of the guys here, I’d decided to take him up on the invite. I figured if Evie was around, so was Grace.

  Whether it was magnetism or just plain life, Grace walked in the back door. If a heart could smile, mine did. Although only a wall separated us at the duplex, I hadn’t been able to see her for three nights in a row between her work schedule and mine. I was impatient to see her.

  I didn’t realize I was standing and striding to meet her until her eyes widened slightly when I stopped in front of her. “Hey, sugar,” I said, leaning down to drop a kiss on her mouth. She turned away at the last second, leaving my kiss to land on her cheek.

  “What are you doing, Boone?” she whispered.

  Straightening, I smiled. “Saying hello. Is that a problem?”

  Grace’s lips tightened, and she lifted a shoulder in a small shrug. “Maybe. I’m not quite ready for the whole world to know about us.”

  Frustration burned in my brain and chest, and I wanted to shake her—to remind her that with us, it was something different, something special. To tell her that maybe it had all gone horribly wrong once upon a time, but this time we would get it right. I beat back all of it and stayed silent.

  I knew, I fucking knew, having Diana show up out of the blue like that sure as hell hadn’t helped matters. I sensed Grace was still picking her way through the rubble of our past and everything that had happened to each of us in the interim.

  She looked away when Evie’s voice rang out nearby, laughing at something Dawson said as he tugged her close to his side.

  “Grace.”

  Her eyes bounced back to mine, a hint of guardedness contained there. It occurred to me just now that except for when we were tangled up together skin to skin and twined like vines around each other, that guarded look was always there. I wasn’t entirely sure if it was just me that she didn’t trust, or life and the bitter lessons and stinging scars left behind.