Free Indeed

by Bailey West

  “Yes, you’ve said that but I didn’t think you would propose to me in front of everyone.”

  “Was it a bad idea?”

  “Hell no! I loved every second of it! And I love this ring. Thank you, baby.”

  “Thank you for saying yes! But I really don’t want to wait until after Ken and Travis’ wedding.”

  “I know but you do understand why I want to wait, right?”

  I stepped between his legs still wearing my black lace bra and panties and started to kiss him.

  “I understand but I don’t like it,” he said while rubbing my ass.

  “Let’s celebrate our engagement and discuss logistics later, okay?”

  “We can do that,” he smiled.

  He pulled me closer as we continued to kiss. He unbuttoned his shirt and then stood to remove it. I climbed onto the bed and waited for him to join me.

  He finished undressing and climbed onto the bed with me. Spreading my legs and moving my panties to the side, he went straight to my lips and began feasting on my center.

  It felt like it had been a lifetime since he’d pleasured me that way. I was enjoying every second of it. Feeling my climax approaching, I held his head in place and gyrated until pleasure washed over me and I went limp.

  After removing my panties, he wasted no time climbing my body and positioning himself at my opening. I closed my eyes in anticipation of the pleasure and pain that would accompany his entrance.

  I didn’t feel anything happening so I opened my eyes at looked at Samuel.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked sitting up a little.

  He looked up at me with a puzzled look on his face.

  “I’m not hard.”

  I sat up further to look. He was right, he was flaccid.

  “Maybe you’re tired? The party was a lot for you since you just got home.”

  “I’ve…we’ve had sex when I was operating on two hours of sleep. Plus, I’m not tired at all.”

  I sat all the way up and reached out to touch him. Usually, if I barely touch him, he gets hard and ready to go. This time, nothing happened.

  “Nothing like this has ever happened before. I was just hard this morning,” he said while still looking down.

  “Maybe we just need to rest. I’m sure it will be fine in the morning. I’ve never awakened next to you without feeling your morning wood.”

  Samuel moved off the bed and went to the bathroom. He came out a few minutes later with his pajama bottoms on. Climbing back into the bed, he laid on his back staring up at the ceiling.

  I pulled on my nightgown and got under the covers, snuggling up next to him.

  “Baby, don’t worry. It’s going to be fine.”

  Samuel

  I stood in my closet acting like I was trying to decide on what I was going to wear to church but I was really trying to come up with an excuse not to go. I didn’t feel like doing anything. My attitude had been bad since realizing that I couldn’t get hard.

  Since the night after the party, I’d tried several times to make love to Averie and could not achieve an erection. I’d tried everything from going back to regular boxers instead of boxer briefs, suffering through my dick flapping around all day, to exercising more. Averie purchased new lingerie, some absolutely beautiful pieces. She modeled them for me, but I still didn’t get hard.

  I wanted to sit in my media room, watch sports and be undisturbed but I told JD that I would be there today so I had to keep my word.

  “Baby, do you want some breakfast before we leave? I can make some waffles or something,” Averie said while standing in the door of my closet.

  “No, I don’t want any waffles, I’m fine.”

  “Are you sure? It’s the first Sunday, so they are going to do communion and some other things that will make service a little longer. You may want to eat some…”

  “I said I’m fine,” I shot back.

  “You don’t have to snap at me. I was just trying to help you!”

  “I’m sorry. That came out more harshly than I intended. Thank you for offering, but no thank you.”

  She released a deep breath, made a pst noise, then turned and left.

  Averie and I arrived at The Encounter Worship Center just as the first service was dismissing. I held her hand and navigated through the crowd wanting to avoid the people, but I was stopped so many times by members welcoming me back and checking on my health. I tried my best to be cordial and rush through each encounter. I just wanted to find my seat and get this day over. We finally made it into the sanctuary and found two seats on the front row where I normally sit.

  “We didn’t have to come today if you were not feeling up to it,” Averie leaned over and said once we were settled in our seats.

  “I told JD I was coming. I’m fine.”

  She made that same noise she made when she left out of my closet earlier. I wanted to lean in to tell her that her little noise was irritating, and she shouldn’t do it again, but the praise team came out indicating that service was beginning. Usually, JD’s messages were compelling, thought-provoking and attention-grabbing. Today, I found myself thinking about everything else except what he was saying. I listened to bits and pieces then would zone out for huge chunks.

  I was so preoccupied with my life. Things seem to come out of nowhere with no rhyme or reason. Like, who shot me? Why would someone target me? I was not a criminal. I kept my nose above water. I followed the rules; although most rules had loopholes large enough for me to find. Why did I go into a coma? I didn’t get shot in the head. There was no reason for me to be sleep that long. Why didn’t my dick work? I didn’t get shot in my dick or anywhere having to do with my dick so why couldn’t I get hard? What if this never gets better? Would I still marry Averie? Would she still want to marry me?

  Averie’s nudge brought me out of my head and back to the present. She was passing me the communion cups. I took the tray, took mine out and passed it to the next person. After service was over, I led Averie through the side door, away from the crowd and out to the car.

  “You’re not going to say hello to JD?” Averie asked while I held the car door open for her.

  “No, I will talk to him later.”

  “Pst,” she made the noise as I closed her door.

  I got in the back seat opposite Averie.

  “We are going back home, Brick.”

  He maneuvered the car from the parking lot and in the direction of our house.

  “You know that sound you’ve been making is really irritating,” I said a few minutes into the ride.

  “Samuel, everything irritates you. Don’t start an argument with me because you won’t win. As a matter of fact, I’m sure I will say something that will cause some real damage so let’s just stop here.”

  “Averie…”

  “EL! I’m so freaking serious right now. I’m trying my very best to be supportive, but if you pull up to the manure farm, you better be prepared to step in some shit, I promise.”

  I noticed Brick looking at me through the rear view mirror then he quickly averted his eyes. Neither one of us said anything else the entire ride back to the house. Brick pulled the car into my parking space. I got out to open Averie’s door, but she’d already opened it and gotten out of the car.

  “You’re trying my patience, Vee,” I said after making it around to her side of the car.

  She knew I hated for her to open her own door.

  “Pst,” she made the noise while looking me directly in my eyes.

  Then she cocked her head to the side like she was challenging me. Forcing myself to remain quiet, I clenched my jaws and stepped back from her. She turned around and headed for the elevator.

  “I’m out,” I yelled behind her.

  She threw up the peace sign without looking back.

  “Where are we headed, Mr. Valentine?” Brick asked.

  “I’m going to go alone,” I responded while holding my hand out for the keys.

  “That’s not going to ha
ppen, Sir,” Brick responded.

  “I pay you, remember. If I say stay behind then stay behind!”

  He didn’t respond. He simply stepped forward and opened the rear car door for me. I knew I wasn’t going to win this argument, so I got in.

  Brick got into the driver’s seat and said, “Where to?”

  “I don’t know. Just drive.”

  Brick and I were coasting down the highway with no destination in mind when I got a call from JD. I thought about not answering it, but he had an uncanny way of knowing when I was avoiding him so, I answered.

  “Hello?” I said after connecting the call.

  “I missed you after church. Why didn’t you come back and say hello?”

  I should have anticipated this.

  “I don’t have a real reason. I was just ready to get back home.”

  “Have you made it to your house?”

  I looked out at the busy highway in front of me.

  “Yes, but I left again.”

  “Where is Averie?”

  “At the house.”

  “I need to speak with you. Come over here.”

  “JD, I hadn’t planned on being out very long.”

  “Samuel, it wasn’t a request.”

  “I’m on my way.”

  I disconnected the call frustrated with myself for not being able to tell him no. JD was like a father to me so when he told me to do something, I did it. He never commanded, but he knew that I had given him that place in my life. If he did command, that meant it was serious.

  “Brick, change of plans. I am going over to JD’s house.”

  “Got it,” Brick responded.

  We were only about ten minutes from JD’s house. We pulled into the driveway and turned off the car. I scrubbed my hands down my face before pulling out my phone to check for missed calls or texts. Averie hadn’t called or sent a text. She was mad.

  I sent her a text: I stopped at JD’s house.

  I watched the ellipses at the bottom of my phone’s screen go in and out of focus for about a minute, indicating that she was responding. They finally disappeared, and all she responded with was a thumb up emoji. I tucked my phone into my pocket and got out of the car.

  “I will wait out here,” Brick said.

  Elisa met me at the door.

  “Hey, sweetheart. I thought a heard a car door close. Come in.”

  I reached down and gave her a hug and quick kiss on the cheek.

  “I saw you at church today, but I didn’t get a chance to speak to you.”

  “I’m sorry. I was ready to get back to the house.”

  “I understand. JD is in his office.”

  “Thanks, Elisa.”

  I walked past her and followed the familiar path down the hall to JD’s office. He was sitting on one of the black leather sofas watching television.

  “Hey,” I called out as I entered the room.

  “Come on in and have a seat.”

  I chose one of the leather recliners.

  “You want some water or something to drink?” He asked while looking at the TV.

  “No, I’m good.”

  We sat and watched TV for several minutes. I knew he had something to say and I was not going to rush him. He finally spoke.

  “I didn’t birth any sons. I raised one from a pre-teen and then God gave me several more to train and mentor. He did one very special thing when He gave me my sons, He gave us a connection. I know when you are well, and I know when you are not. So, tell me what’s going on.”

  “As far as?”

  “Samuel,” he picked up the remote to the TV and turned it off. “I’ve had a long day. The last thing I feel like doing is playing games with you. There is obviously something going on. You avoided me today at church. You came up with an excuse not to come over here plus it shows in your posture, your attitude and all over your face. Is everything okay with your health?”

  “My health is fine.”

  “Averie?”

  “We are fine.”

  “That was my last guess. It’s your turn now.”

  I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees, before speaking, “I haven’t had an erection since I got out of the hospital.”

  “So, what? Two weeks?”

  “Three weeks.”

  I waited for shock or something to register on JD’s face, but in his typical calm and collected way, his facial expression didn’t change.

  “Have you gone to the doctor?”

  “I did. They ran some tests, and they all came back negative. My prostate is fine. I don’t have cancer. Physically, I’m fine.”

  “Then it’s mental.”

  “That’s what Dr. McIntyre said he believes it is.”

  “What do you think?”

  “I don’t know,” I shrugged.

  “Let me ask you something. I know you said you weren’t afraid when you were waiting for the ambulance to arrive after you were shot but how did you feel when you woke up?”

  I looked at him for a moment before answering. I considered making up an answer, but he would’ve seen right through it.

  “I was terrified. Especially when the doctors told me how long I’d been sleep.”

  “What terrified you?”

  “I was afraid that Averie wasn’t there. I was afraid that something happened to Valentine Law. I was afraid that something had happened to the family. Something that could have been avoided had I been awake.”

  “You worried that you as their protector was not around?”

  “Right.”

  “Is that what bothered you about going to jail? I mean aside from the fact that you were innocent but were you afraid to leave Viv and Torrey alone?”

  “I was.”

  “Then why did you take the plea deal?”

  “Because with the plea deal I knew how much time I would serve. I knew if I kept my head low, I would be able to see them in a set amount of time. The court case could have dragged on forever, and I couldn’t risk it.”

  “When you woke up and then saw everyone including Averie had been by your side the entire time, then how did you feel?”

  “Like a burden.”

  “Explain.”

  “The nurse told me that Averie was at the hospital every day, washing me and exercising my legs. She took care of me the same way the nurses did. I would expect that from Mom and Torrey because they are my family but Averie could have easily moved on.”

  “That’s a good thing, correct?”

  “It’s a great thing, but she didn’t deserve it. She’s young and beautiful she shouldn’t have been cooped up in the hospital taking care of me.”

  “Love causes us to do things that may seem strange to others. I never heard her complain. It appeared to me that she wanted to be there, not out of some sense of loyalty but out of love. Probably the same way you nearly killed that guy that attacked her. Now that the hospital part is over, how do you feel?”

  “I feel needy…”

  “Like you are the one that needs the protection instead of being the protector?”

  “Yes, I mean it’s gotten a lot better, but I don’t want to have to ask Averie to bring me my cane or help me do something. I feel like less of a man.”

  “Because she’s helping you?”

  I nodded.

  “You have to let go of the notion that you always have to be strong. Let go and let her love you. Let her show you love the way she knows how. Don’t direct her love the way you direct everything around you. Release the stress of having to be strong and let her be strong for you sometimes. It’s okay. You are with the right one to hold you up. The coma was a blessing in that it showed you how she handles adversity. This erectile thing shows you how she handles the worse. She doesn’t run. From the moment you took Averie as yours, you never had to worry about shouldering anything by yourself again. Has she asked for anything or complained about your erectile dysfunction?”

  “No, not one word but I want to give her the world f
or what she’s done for me, but I can’t even make love to her.”

  “Stop trying to repay Averie for something that she is freely giving you. If you want to give her nice things because you love her, then fine but don’t go off this notion that she did something for you that she didn’t have to do therefore you are going to pay her back. That’s not how love works. You will push her away because she will see right through your gifts to your motives. Don’t try to repay her. Just love her because it seems like that’s all she really needs from you. Receive the gift that God has given you in Averie. Her shoulders are not as broad as yours, but when she stands next to you, your burden is lighter. You have to let go of the idea that you are the only one that can protect and care for your family. While you were in jail, your mother and Torrey held things together just fine without your instruction. When you were in the coma, Averie was the consummate host and caretaker. You are surrounded by some very strong women. You have to learn to relinquish some of the power. Forgive yourself for whatever you think you’ve done. The shooting was not your fault. The hospitalization was not your fault. Release yourself from the burden of that guilt.”

  “That’s a lot easier said than done.”

  “If you want to get back to your normal self then you are going to have to.”

  “Are you coming to bed tonight?” Averie asked after finding me in my home office.

  Staring out into the night’s sky, I replayed my conversation with JD. He was right, but I didn’t know how to move forward. I didn’t know how to forgive myself. Averie had changed into her white silk nightgown which was one of my favorite pieces of her lingerie. I was aroused but still didn’t get hard, which pissed me off.

  “I don’t know,” I shrugged.

  I hadn’t slept in the bed with her for several days. I hadn’t felt like being next to her. Not being able to satisfy her fueled my anger and irritation.

  “Am I going to be sleeping alone every night?”

  I shrugged.

  “If that’s the case, I can go and sleep alone in my own apartment.”

  I took a sip from my glass of cognac and didn’t respond.

  “Fine. I will go home then,” she turned to leave.