Our Time

by Jessica Wilde

  Andrew had a shocked look on his face as he stared down at my little girl. Olivia scrunched her eyebrows together in frustration. She waved the pack in front of him and spoke louder, "Daddy, open peez."

  He didn't know what to do. "Um… okay, Liv." He took a deep breath and took the package from her, opening it with shaky fingers. I was still staring at them and realized I had stopped breathing. Was this going to freak him out? Was this freaking me out?

  Andrew looked over at me and I saw the moisture in his eyes just before he blinked it away. "W-what would you like m-me to do, Joss? I'm not sure… I don't know why…"

  I finally snapped out of it and knelt down beside him, my emotions on overdrive and my mind racing for a solution or at least an explanation. "Liv, sweetie." She looked up at me with her big gray eyes and smiled as she stuffed three fruit snacks into her tiny mouth.

  "Hi, Mommy. Snacks!" she exclaimed and held the package in front of her to show me.

  "Hi, sweetie. Um…" I turned my gaze to Andrew who was watching Liv with tenderness and warmth while she ate the treats. He cleared his throat as if to speak, but couldn't. He was trying to control his reaction, but was having a hell of a time doing it. His lips twitched, urging him to allow the smile that he so desperately wanted to form, but obviously wasn't sure if that was okay. It stopped the rush hour of thoughts coursing through my head. He wasn't freaking out, but I still didn't know how I felt about it. Things had just begun with me and Andrew. Liv was too attached for it to end any other way but badly.

  Same for me.

  I looked back down at my daughter and ran my fingers through her dark curls. I had meant to correct her. To tell her that he was Andrew, not Daddy, but I couldn't. Not because I knew she wouldn't really understand, but because the shock I had felt didn't come with a terrible feeling of dread. It was somehow… right, just surprising. Andrew had been a father to her more than anyone else had. He had loved her and spoiled her and protected her like a father should. How could I tell her that she didn't have a daddy like Ella and Josh did? That he wasn't her father? How would she grow up not knowing the love of a father? The love that only Andrew had and could truly give her. I felt the sting of tears in the back of my eyes and a lump lodge in my throat.

  "Andrew," I whispered.

  He slowly tore his gaze away from her and I saw him strain to swallow. He took a deep shaky breath, "Yeah, Joss?" His blue eyes focused on mine. They were packed with nervousness, but full of joy and hope.

  "I don't know how to correct her. I'm not sure if…"

  His eyes brightened, the lines of anxiety disappeared, and his lips curled up into a glorious smile which I reflected right back to him. He ran his fingers across my cheek, "Then don't… please, don't." His lips tenderly brushed across mine and I melted into his side.

  He pulled Olivia to his chest and kissed the top of her head. She was devouring the fruit snacks one by one and reached up to put one in his mouth. He took it with a smile and she giggled when he pretended to bite her finger. The lights started to shut off and she leaned her head back on his chest.

  "I love you, pretty girl," he whispered into her hair and unknowingly stopped my heart.

  I knew then that I had to tell him how short life truly was. That, if we were going to do this, I had to make him promise me that Olivia would come first and foremost and that when I wasn't around, it would stay that way.

  Olivia's little voice sang back, "I yuv you."

  He gasped and smiled even bigger as he kissed the top of her head again. She had said it to me before and he had heard it, but she hadn't ever directed it at him.

  He pulled me into his side and I rested my head on his shoulder. I heard Ethan and Ty get back with the kids and barely registered Catherine and Madison whispering excitedly about what had just occurred.

  I know the fireworks were amazing because Liv said 'wow' several times throughout the show. I didn't see them, though, not through the tears that constantly trickled out. Andrew held me tightly against him, aware that his shirt was getting a little wet, but oblivious to the fact that my tears were not only from joy and relief, they were also from the guilt I felt for not telling him what he was getting into and from the anxiety I had for what I had to do now.

  They were for the time I knew I would miss with him and Liv. And I had no idea how to tell him.

  ***

  A few days after the fireworks and all the craziness, Ben came into town for his conference. He was staying in a hotel in Portland, but came early in the morning to visit before his last meeting. When he pulled into the driveway, I did my best to hold back the tears. I had missed him so much. He had helped me through too many tragedies and I was forever in his debt.

  "Hey there, beautiful!" He shouted as he ran up to my porch where I was waiting and swept me up into one of his huge bear hugs.

  "Ben! It's so good to see you. Come on in. I already have breakfast ready."

  He smiled and kissed my cheek. I had spent the hour prior getting his favorite breakfast ready for him.

  "French toast?" he asked with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

  "Of course, and bacon, eggs, and crepes for your weird 'breakfast dessert'," I said with air quotes and a roll of my eyes.

  "Oh, how I love you!"

  Ben was always extremely affectionate toward me and it had actually caused problems at the first of his and Linda's relationship, but when she realized I was like a sister to him, everything worked out. He was a good looking guy and in good shape, for the most part. He was looking a little soft in the tummy area lately.

  He was taller than me, like everyone else was, but not by too much at about 5'9", with light brown hair and brown eyes. I noticed how tired he looked as he followed me into the kitchen. He was a very successful physician and I was so proud of him for working so hard, but I hoped he had a chance to step back soon. His kids were growing up and needed their daddy to show them how much love he had to give.

  I hadn't seen Andrew this morning yet, but it was still a little early and he was probably on his morning run. He would meet Ben for the first time today and I was a little nervous. I think he was, too. I had told him about life with Ben as a best friend and all the times we both got into trouble when we were younger. He had been expecting Ben to be really protective of me and possibly give him a hard time about it, but after hearing about who my fill in brother really was, he felt a little better.

  "My dear Olivia! Come here and give me squeezes." Ben crouched down with his arms spread wide and Olivia ran full speed into his chest. "Oh my goodness, you have grown so much. I miss you, little one."

  "Ben! Mommy, Ben!" she giggled as he lifted her up and hugged her tightly. She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him back until he pretended to be choking, making her giggle even harder.

  "She missed you, too," I said with a smile, "I hope you can stay for a little while. It would be nice for both of us to catch up with you."

  "I can stay for a few hours, but I have to get back to the conference. The speaker this afternoon is the head of my department and I'll earn major brownie points by getting a front row seat," he put Liv down and turned to Monty. "Monty, you look handsome as ever, boy."

  Monty greeted Ben by allowing him to pat his head and then groaned himself back to the door. He waited for Andrew most days and when Ben gave me a curious look I just rolled my eyes and said, "You'll find out what his deal is in a little bit, I'm sure."

  "I see he is still as human as ever," he said wryly.

  "Yep."

  "How did you find that one, Joss? I swear he was made just for you."

  I smiled, remembering the day I brought Monty home. "Well, he was the one who picked me remember? I walked into that house and every dog was busy trying to get some food and he was trying to jump in my arms. Ended up leaving with him that same day and he wasn't even old enough to go yet. I'll never regret that."

  I looked over at Monty who had turned his head to look back at me as if he knew I was talk
ing about him. His tongue was hanging out and he was panting lightly, but it sure did look like he was smiling at me.

  "He has been through a lot with you hasn't he?"

  I just nodded and started scooping food onto a large plate. "Oh yeah, pile it on there, I'm starving," he said with his fork ready to go.

  We sat at the table and talked while I fed Liv and she showed off. Andrew had been showing her how to stack everything and I mean everything. Her food ended up in a big pile in the cup holder of her tray and she clapped when she got it all to stay together. "Adoo appy!" she cheered.

  "Yes, sweetie. Andrew will be very happy you did that so well."

  She giggled and started eating little bites and I turned my head to Ben who was chewing up a piece of bacon very slowly and narrowed his eyes at me.

  "Am I going to meet him?"

  I picked at my eggs and nodded, "I'm sure you will. He is probably out for a run right now. He should be back soon. He is excited to meet you, you know?"

  He smirked, "Of course he is, I'm the one he has to go through before he can get to you."

  I laughed and threw my bacon at him. "Sure you are."

  He put his fork down and wiped his mouth. When there was a meal on the table, he only did that when he had something important to say and I knew what was coming.

  "Have you told him, yet?"

  I took a deep breath and held it a moment, trying to find a good excuse. I didn't have one. The only explanation was because I was too scared. Me. Scared. After everything I had been through I was afraid of losing him.

  "Nope. But I will."

  "When?"

  "Soon. Every time I try to, something comes up. Plus, it's not something that I can just throw onto someone. It could ruin everything." I stood and carried my plate to the sink. I knew what was going to come out of Ben's mouth next and I didn't want to hear it.

  "If it does, then you know it wasn't right. Not all men use that as an excuse to leave. Just assholes."

  "Ben!" I whipped my head to Liv and she was trying to get Monty to eat the food she was offering him, but he was too busy licking the syrup off her feet. How it got there, I have no clue.

  "Sorry, I meant stupid heads."

  I laughed and shook my head, "Well it's too late now, but if she ever says that I'm blaming it on you."

  His face was serious and his eyes held all the pity I loathed, "Don't change the subject, Joss. You have to tell him, now. He obviously is in this for the long haul. Not many guys would do what he has done so far. He befriended you and Liv and stayed just friends even though he wanted more. Hell, not a lot of guys want more with a single mother."

  "Ouch. That hurts," I sneered, but I knew he was only speaking the truth.

  For a moment, I regretted telling him what had happened between us, but I couldn't hold it in any more than I could stop kissing Andrew. I had called him first thing that next morning and gave him all the details and being the good friend that he is, he said all the right things in all the right places. Of course, Linda was on the other phone listening and I'm sure she was giving him all the cues he needed.

  "Sorry, but it's the truth. I really think he will stick with you and I haven't even met him. How do you think he is going to feel knowing that you have kept this from him for so long?" Ben folded his arms across his chest as if to challenge me with that question. As if I hadn't already thought about that.

  I plopped back into my chair and held my head in my hands, "It's just not something I like to talk about, Ben. I just want to spend what time I have left being happy with Liv and him and not worrying so much. But all I do is worry. It's in the back of my mind every day and now with Andrew… it's become this wedge that I can't seem to get passed. I would do anything right now to get rid of it, just so I could be with them both, for longer." I felt the tears burn in my eyes, but I blinked them back desperately. I had shed too many tears in the last several years and I was sick of them.

  He didn't speak for a minute and I hoped that meant he was going to drop the subject. When I looked up at him he looked slightly pale and surprised.

  "Are you in love with him, Joss?"

  I looked down at the chip in my table and started picking at it as I nodded, "Yes. I have been for a while."

  He took a deep breath in and let it out slowly, trying to absorb the fact that I had put myself in a difficult situation. "And does he know that?"

  I didn't respond which apparently gave him his answer. Nope.

  "Well, then it sounds like you have a good enough reason to let him in on this. You'll regret it forever if you wait much longer."

  I sighed loudly and felt a heaviness settle back down on my shoulders. "Yeah I know."

  Suddenly, Monty hopped up and skidded out of the kitchen to the living room. Andrew's voice stirred something in my chest and Ben caught the smile that stretched across my face.

  "Hey buddy, where are our girls?"

  He stopped at the doorway of the kitchen and eyed Ben carefully before making his way over to me. "Good morning, Sweetheart." He bent down, pressed a lingering kiss on my lips and ran his fingers through my hair before moving to Liv and kissing her little cheeks over and over again making her giggle loudly.

  I felt a little flushed at his attention and almost forgot that Ben was in the room. "Oh, Andrew, this is Benjamin Moore," I said and waved my hand between them. "Ben, this is Andrew Carter."

  My friend, who was tiny compared to Andrew, stood and offered his hand, Andrew took it firmly and they nodded at each other in a way only men do.

  "Nice to finally meet you, Ben. Joss has told me a lot about you."

  "Same here," he replied with another nod. "I hear you two spend a lot of time together."

  I felt my face turn bright red and started cleaning Liv up to give me something to do. He was going to try and embarrass me like he always did.

  "Yeah, we try to. How could I not, right? These two girls keep me happy, that's for sure." He beamed at me and winked before helping me clear up some of the dishes. "Joss told me you are a doctor, but she hasn't told me what kind of practice you have."

  "Oh, well um…" Ben glanced over at me for help, but I couldn't really move. I stared back at him and racked my brain trying to remember if I told him that I was a patient of Ben's.

  Olivia saved us all by grabbing Ben's hand and pulling him to the living room to play with her. I let out the breath I had been holding and Andrew stepped next to me and started scrubbing the pans.

  "You okay, babe?"

  I nodded with a weak smile, "Yeah, just a little tired."

  He stopped scrubbing and dried his hands off before placing them where my neck meets my shoulders and started massaging.

  "I missed you last night," he muttered. He had worked pretty late the night before and we didn't get a chance to really speak over the phone on his break. I was too busy trying to bathe Liv and he kept getting pulled back out to help stop a couple fights.

  "I missed you, too." I really did miss him. I missed him this morning. I missed him when I was sleeping and when I woke up. I miss him all the time and when we are finally together, I forget how painful it is to be away from him.

  Andrew kissed me softly on the forehead and gave my shoulders a squeeze, "Why don't you go catch up with Ben. I'll get all of this cleaned up." And just like that, he made me fall in love with him all over again. He was never selfish and he was always taking care of me and Liv.

  He brushed his lips over mine slowly and rubbed my arms. I could tell that he meant for the kiss to be short and sweet, but neither one of us allowed it. I wrapped my arms around his neck and tilted my head to deepen the kiss until we were both trembling. His hands dropped down to my hips and his fingers gripped me tightly and pulled me closer, pressing our lower bodies together.

  "Mommy? Play!" Olivia's little voice chimed through the kitchen and we reluctantly pulled apart.

  My lips were tingling and his were swollen from the kiss. His eyes had darkened significantly, lik
e a thunderstorm over the ocean and only made it that much harder to walk away. I finally did and as I turned away from him, he reached down and pinched my bottom. He laughed when I made a weird yelping sound and I smacked him on the arm.

  "You'll pay for that," I said with a pathetic attempt to glare at him.

  "Oh, I hope so."

  I'm surprised I was able to make it into the living room without swooning.

  Honestly, who swoons anymore?

  Chapter 9

  Andrew

  I was going to ask Jocelyn to marry me. I didn't know when or how, yet, but I knew it was going to happen eventually. She was the woman I wanted to be with forever. First, I had to convince her that it was a good idea to take things to the next level. I loved her.

  After meeting Ben, I saw a different side of her. He and I got along pretty well and after a few threats about keeping Jocelyn and Liv happy were thrown my way, I had a new respect for the man. He loved both of them and I could only imagine what they had all been through together. Knowing that we were on good terms must have made her feel a little relief. One less thing to worry about.

  Chris was trying to find me some better work so I wouldn't be surrounded by people smoking all the time and bring that home with me, but there just wasn't that much available. The guys were giving me a hard time because I called Jocelyn every chance I got, but they were just jealous. They had met her a couple times when she brought me some dinner and had all but drooled all over her. I told her that later on, when we were snuggled up on the couch after putting Olivia to bed, but she didn't believe me.

  "You don't see yourself very clearly then," I laughed. "You've got everything a guy looks for."

  "Oh really? And what is that?" she scoffed.

  "Well I could show you," I said wiggling my eyebrows and moving my hand toward her butt. She squealed when I squeezed a handful and we ended up making out for the next half hour until she abruptly stopped and kicked me out laughing. That happened more than I would have liked, but if anything, it only made me want her more and I think she knew it.