Carved in Ice

by Ivy Smoak

  Was he on painkillers? I looked at the IV in his hand. Probably. “I kept trying to get to you. I…”

  “I needed you, Summer. And obviously you didn’t feel the same.”

  A lump had formed in my throat that wouldn’t go away.

  “You know how it feels to be abandoned. Why would you do that to me?”

  Abandonment was the only feeling I knew. And he was completely right. Why the hell would I leave him when he needed me most?

  “I’ve always been there when you needed me,” he said as he looked down at his hands.

  “I know. I…”

  “If you loved me you would have found a way to come.” He had laughed just a minute ago and now it looked like he was about to cry.

  My feet finally moved. I grabbed his hand and crouched down next to his bed. “I do love you. I tried everything.”

  “Can we just be honest with each other for one minute?” He still didn’t look at me.

  “I am being honest, Eli. When you got hurt, I couldn’t eat or sleep. I cried until I was dehydrated. And I did ask Liza about you all the time, but it was hard for me to hear the specifics knowing that I couldn’t be here with you. I just kept asking if you were okay. And as soon as I could be here I was.” I squeezed his hand. “I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere.”

  He pulled his hand away. “V called me four hours ago saying you were coming.”

  Shit.

  “Or was it three?” He stared at the clock on the wall. “I don’t remember. It was a long time ago. So where did you go? What was so important that you couldn’t come here first?”

  “Nothing.” I exhaled slowly when he looked at the ceiling, still avoiding my gaze. “Eli, I was just upset. You have to believe me. V showed me this letter that I had left for Miles before the explosion and it just messed with my head.”

  “He finally told you?” He turned back toward me and he was smiling again. “I didn’t think he had the balls. Well, I guess that’s the end of that.”

  The end of what? I laughed because I didn’t know how else to respond. Eli was acting so strange. “You knew about the letter?”

  “I’m a detective.” He laughed too. “Of course I knew. I knew all of it.”

  I wasn’t going to ask him why he didn’t tell me. This conversation was already strained. But he was smiling now. I looked up at the bags attached to his IV. There was morphine in one of them. I turned back to him. There was no reason to press him about the letter to Miles. It was V’s secret to tell me, not Eli’s. He was just being a good friend. And I loved him for that. “So that was why it took me so long to come tonight. V dropped a bomb on me and I just needed time to process the information.”

  “And?”

  “And…now I’ve processed it.”

  He searched my face.

  “I was mad of course. I think he thought it would bring us closer together or something. But he’s a complete lunatic. How could he keep something like that from me for months? And here I thought that Miles had left me again. He made me feel so…” I let my voice trail off. Abandoned. The same way that I had made Eli feel.

  “And now that you know the truth, you two can finally be happy.”

  “What? I’m here. I don’t want to be with Miles. I just want you.”

  “You don’t, Summer. We both know that you don’t. Or else it wouldn’t have taken you so long to come here tonight. I think a part of me did die when I got shot. Because I knew he was close to telling you. I knew that being apart would give him time to weasel his way back into your life. I knew and…there was nothing I could do about it. It’s okay really. We had a good run.” He reached out with his hand and lightly tapped my chin with his fist. Like I was a child that just needed to cheer up. What was wrong with him tonight?

  “Why are you giving up on us? You said you wanted it all with me. You said you could picture raising a family. That you didn’t care that I couldn’t have children of my own. That…”

  “That was a dream. My dream. But it was never yours. Go be with Miles. It was always him. Get.” He shooed me away.

  “I can’t. I don’t know even where he is.”

  “See. You didn’t say you didn’t want to. I always knew when he finally told you who he was that you’d run back to him. You love me but you were never in love with me. Not the way you are with him.”

  Running back to who? What was he talking about? “Are you talking about V now? He didn’t tell me who he was.”

  “But you just said that he…” his voice trailed off. He immediately cleared his throat and then started laughing. “Oh shit. He’s going to kill me. Oh well. The cat is out of the bag. Or I guess…the man is out of the mask? I don’t know. Do you think you could get a nurse to get me some Jell-O? I’m hungry.”

  “Eli, do you know who V is?”

  His laughter picked back up. “I’m a detective, Summer. We just talked about this. Of course I know. It’s my job to know.”

  “You’ve known this whole time and didn’t tell me?”

  “No, no, not the whole time. It took me a few weeks to put it together. Besides, he wasn’t trying to hide it from me.”

  He was just trying to hide it from me. “How could you?” I stood up. My mind felt like it was spinning, piecing our conversation back together. Yes, Eli was on painkillers, but the pieces had to fit together. Something had to make sense in our conversation. “How could you keep this from me?”

  “It wasn’t my secret to tell. And honestly, I understood why he did it.”

  My mind had stopped spinning. Everything was pointing in one direction. It always had been. “Why did he do it?”

  “You broke each other. You both needed a fresh start. And I think a part of him wanted to prove that he could save you after all these years that he failed. A part of you knew all along right? But you were mad at him and didn’t want to see it. He was just as angry with you. Kind of like I am with you right now.” He put his hand on the side of my face. He didn’t look angry. There was a smile plastered to his face. “But it’s okay, Summer. I’ve always just wanted you to be happy. And it’s a hell of a lot better for one heart to be broken instead of two.”

  “I have to go,” I whispered.

  “I know.”

  Chapter 29

  7 Years Old

  Flashback

  I hopped from one rock to the next, humming The Colors of The Wind from Pocahontas. It was my new favorite movie. There was nothing I loved more than running around outside with the wind in my hair. And playing in the water was even more fun. Especially when it was so hot that the pavement burnt the bottoms of my feet.

  I had invited Miles down to the creek with me. He responded by telling me that my dress made me look like a troll and that he didn’t play with trolls. Last month he had insisted that I was a girly girl and didn’t like to do anything fun. This month he said I looked like a troll. How could I be both a girly girl and a troll? It wasn’t possible. Boys didn’t make any sense.

  And I knew Miles liked the creek. I knew it because he played in it all the time with his friends. So I wasn’t a girly girl and I wasn’t a troll for asking him to play in the stream. He was just a meany mean face for pretending he didn’t want to come.

  I didn’t stay mad at him for very long though. Because Miles had come to the stream despite the fact that he thought I was a troll. I saw him follow me. Or maybe he was just playing by himself. But I knew he was there in the woods somewhere. Otherwise I wouldn’t be at the creek at all. My parents said I wasn’t allowed to come alone. And I always followed their rules. Mostly. I mostly followed their rules. Besides, technically I wasn’t alone today. Miles was here. Watching me. I smiled to myself.

  “If the savage one is me, how can there be so much that you don’t know,” I sang as loud as I could. I hoped he was listening. I sang that line specifically for his stupid boy ears. I had come to the conclusion that all boys that weren’t grownups were dumb. But Miles was the stupidest of the stupid boys.
Because he was the only boy I wanted to play with and he was the only boy I knew that refused to play with me. Plus his reasoning didn’t make any sense. Trolls were really fun to play with. I loved my trolls.

  I jumped to the next rock in the creek. “Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?” I sang. I spun around in a circle, letting my dress twirl up around me. If he was looking now, he’d probably think my dress looked pretty and not troll-like at all. I smiled to myself and jumped to the next rock. Then the next. I started humming the song from the beginning again.

  A tiny fish swam by and I crouched to look at it. “But I know every rock and tree and creature.” I put my hand in the water next to the fish. It immediately swam away from me. I stood back up and jumped to the next rock, trying to follow it. “Has a life, has a spirit, has a brain,” I sang.

  But I wasn’t paying attention to the rock I was jumping to. I was focused on the fish swimming away and the lyrics going through my head. I had no idea that the rock was mossy. My foot slipped on the moss and I fell forward. The water splashed underneath my hands as I tried to catch myself. My knee collided with the rock and I slid forward. The water splashed again as the rest of my body ended up in the water too. Ow.

  I tried to blink away the tears in my eyes. I didn’t want Miles to see me cry. If he was even still out there. The thought of him no longer being in the woods made me even more upset though. I should have listened to my parents. I shouldn’t have been here alone.

  My tears started to fall faster. I wanted my daddy. When I pushed myself up out of the water, my knee stung. I looked down and tried not to panic. Blood streaked down my leg from the cut. Oh God. I was going to die. I started to bawl my eyes out in the middle of the creek.

  “Summer!” Miles appeared out of nowhere. He ran through the water, not even bothering to jump the rocks. “Are you okay?” He stopped a few feet away from me and stared at my leg.

  I tried to blink away the tears in my eyes. “Yes, I’m fine.” My voice was shaky. “I’m fine,” I tried to say again, but it still came out weird. I didn’t want Miles to finally pay attention to me today. Not when I was crying and my dress was all wet. But there was no point in hiding my pain. I was clearly dying anyway. “I want my daddy.”

  “I’m going to go get him, okay? Just stay right here.”

  “Don’t leave me! I don’t want to die alone!”

  “You’re not dying, Summer…” he stopped talking when he looked down at my knee again. “Nothing bad is going to happen. Come on, let’s get you home.”

  “My leg is probably going to fall off.” I sniffed, trying to stop the tears.

  He grabbed my elbow and helped me out of the creek. “It’s not going to fall off. I promise. We’re only like 2 minutes from home.”

  My bottom lip trembled. “But it hurts.”

  “I know.” He kept his hand on my elbow as we wove through the trees.

  I sniffed again. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could possibly resist collapsing on the ground and accepting my fate.

  He lightly squeezed my elbow. “You know, those aren’t the lyrics of The Colors of the Wind.”

  I frowned at him. “How would you know? You said Pocahontas was only for girls.”

  “Well, either way, rocks don’t have brains.”

  “What?”

  “You said, ‘But I know every rock and tree and creature has a life, has a spirit, has a brain.’ Those aren’t the lyrics.”

  “Yes they are, Miles. I’ve listened to it a hundred times. I think I’d know the words.”

  “Brains? Really?”

  I thought about the rock I had fallen on. It seemed pretty smart to me. It had tricked me after all. “How do you know that rocks don’t have brains? They might. Pocahontas would know. She loved being outside just like me.”

  He laughed. “Every rock and tree and creature has a life, has a spirit, has a name. A name, not brains.”

  “You watched the movie?”

  He shrugged. “You promised it was good. Just like I promised we’d make it back to your house before you died.”

  We had just stepped onto my driveway.

  My dad opened the door, like he could sense that I was in pain. He always knew when I needed him.

  “Summer, what happened?” He was running over to me before I could even answer.

  “She fell in the creek, Mr. Brooks,” Miles said.

  My dad scooped me up in his arms and carried me the rest of the way to our house. I buried my face in his shirt so Miles wouldn’t see me cry anymore.

  “Can I come in Mr. Brooks?” Miles called from behind us.

  My dad left the door open for him. He carried me to the bathroom and grabbed a towel to wipe away the blood from my knee. “Were you playing in the creek by yourself again?”

  Again? How did he know everything? “No, Miles was there.”

  “A good thing he was.” He stood up to grab the Band-Aids out of the medicine cabinet. He crouched back down next to me. “You need to turn that frown upside,” he said with a smile. “Besides, isn’t Miles getting along with you what you’ve been nagging your mother and I about ever since we moved here?”

  “I never nag you.”

  He pitty-patted my shoulder. “Why won’t Miles swing with me?” He pitty-patted my shoulder again. “Why won’t Miles play catch with me?” He pitty-patted my side sending me into a fit of giggles. “Why won’t Miles let me in his tree house?”

  “Stop!” I somehow managed to say through my laughter.

  He finally ceased from tickling me and pulled out a Band-Aid.

  I caught my breath just as I heard the front door close. Miles had never ever not once asked to come into my house. Maybe I had died and gone to heaven. I hope I remembered to organize all my stuffed animals on my bed.

  My dad placed the Band-Aid on my knee. “So turn that frown upside down and enjoy your victory.” He winked at me and stood up just as Miles appeared in the doorway. My dad patted Miles’ head as he left us alone in the bathroom.

  “Are you okay?” Miles asked.

  I nodded.

  “So…” he looked around the bathroom. “What do you want to do the rest of the day?”

  He was going to stay all day? I didn’t know where to start. I had been dreaming of this moment forever. I wanted to tell him that I loved him with my whole entire heart. That I dreamed of us getting married. That I wanted to have a million babies with him and that I already had some of the names picked out. But I didn’t want to scare him away. I’d tell him all those things after he admitted he wanted it first. After we were married. That made the most sense.

  “Um…we could watch a movie?” I said.

  “We should probably watch Pocahontas so that you can learn that rocks don’t have brains.”

  “Admit that you just like the movie.” I stood up, completely forgetting the fact that a few minutes ago I was knocking on death’s door.

  “I don’t like it,” he mumbled.

  But I was pretty sure he loved the movie as much as I did. Especially when we laughed at all the same times. And when he pretended to be John Smith when it was over and chased me around with a paper towel roll he was pretending was a sword.

  And in one afternoon Miles became my best friend. I couldn’t wait till we were married and I could finally tell him that I loved him.

  Chapter 30

  Present Day – Monday

  The past ten years of my life had been a series of bad luck. But I had always held out for one thing. One hope. That Miles Young would come back to me.

  My feet skidded in the slush. I grabbed on to the railing and continued to climb as fast as I could. Who had I been kidding? I couldn’t love anyone else. It was him. It had always been him.

  I thought about what Dr. Miller had said. That V’s heart was frozen. That wasn’t true. V’s heart could never be frozen. Because Miles’ heart could never be frozen. He was the kindest person I knew. The sweetest. The most compassionate and understanding
. Someone like him couldn’t stop loving. It wasn’t in his blood to become cold.

  I pressed in the code to our apartment. There were a million things I needed to say to him. A million things I had never gotten to say the first time around. The window started to rise. I ducked down and climbed in when I could barely fit, leaving a trail of wet boot prints behind me as I ran to V’s room.

  “V?” I pounded my fist against his door.

  No answer. I tried to open the door but it was locked.

  “V!” I yelled again and knocked even louder. “It’s important!”

  Liza came out of her room and stared at me. “What’s going on?” She wiped beneath her eyes. She had clearly been crying a moment ago. The tears on her cheeks were a good clue. But her eyes were also red beneath her glasses. And her posture was all wrong.

  “Liza, is everything okay?” I kept knocking on V’s door while I looked at her. I wanted her to say yes even though she was clearly upset. I didn’t have time to comfort her right now.

  “Summer, I’m so so sorry. I…” her voice trailed off. “I’ve been spending a lot of time with Eli and I swear I never crossed any line or anything. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have feelings for him. And I…”

  “That’s fine.” I breathed a sigh of relief. That was easier than I thought it would be. “He’s all yours.” I turned back to V’s door and tried to turn the handle again. “V, let me in!”

  “What do you mean he’s all mine? You two are dating.” She stepped forward and grabbed my arm so that I’d stop knocking. “You’re supposed to be upset with me.”

  “We broke up. Really, it’s fine.” I tried to lift my hand to knock again, but she was stronger than I thought.

  “It’s not fine!” she hissed. She pulled my arm so that I’d look at her. “It’s not fine,” she whispered this time. “I swear we didn’t kiss or anything. If you broke up with him because of me I’d never be able to forgive myself. I broke all sorts of girl code. We’re best friends and I…”

  “Liza, I promise it’s not a big deal. I hope you two make each other happy. You both deserve that.”