Strength of the Heart

by Carrie Carr

  Amanda turned and wrapped her arms around Lex's body, trying as best she could to offer comfort. "Then don't." She ran her fingers through the dark hair as Lex buried her face against Amanda's chest and cried. "I hate the thought of you having to bring him back all alone," she murmured, not caring whether she heard her or not. She couldn'st understand how Rawson could ask this of his daughter, without thinking of its effect on her.

  "I have to, Amanda. He's my father, and I've already given my word that I would honor his wishes."

  "So? Just tell him what you'sve told me. Surely he wouldn'st blame you for feeling this way," Amanda argued, even though she knew she had already lost.

  Lex lifted her head until their faces were bare inches apart. Her eyes pleaded with Amanda to understand. "I have to do this. All of my life, I wanted to do something that mattered to him. I made straight A's in school, but he didn'st care. I gave up the piano, because he said it wasn'st necessary on a ranch. I lived, breathed, and slept for the damned ranch. Nothing. So, I began to follow him around and tried to be the perfect daughter."

  Amanda blinked the tears from her eyes and shook her head. "You don't have to--"

  "He didn'st want a daughter," Lex continued quietly as if she hadn'st heard. "He never really told me what he wanted." Her eyes filled with the remembered pain of her childhood. "I learned to build fence, break horses, rope cattle...all in the hopes that I'd find something, sooner or later, which would make him notice me." Lex swallowed the lump that had suddenly formed in her throat. "But finally, he needs me. And I can'st deny him that anymore than I could deny the love I have for you."

  "Oh, honey." Amanda wiped the tears that had fallen from Lex's eyes. She leaned forward and kissed the damp trail they had left, gently trying to heal the pain that her lover was in. After she had covered Lex's face with kisses, she pulled back. "All right. You go take care of your father. I'll be here waiting for you when you get back."

  Lex bit her lip to keep from breaking down altogether. "Thanks," she rasped quietly. "I love you so much, Amanda. don't you ever forget that."

  "I love you, too. Why don't you let me help you get things together, and we'll try to go to bed early. You'sve got a stressful time ahead of you." She placed a final kiss on waiting lips, then stood and helped Lex to her feet.

  LEX GLANCED SIDEWAYS at her father. Although he was dressed in his usual clothes, the denim shirt appeared to be several sizes too large and draped loosely on his thin frame. His pale face looked almost waxy in the early morning sun, and his once-alert eyes were cloudy. When those eyes caught hers, she quickly turned her attention back to the road in front of them. They had left the hospital less than an hour ago, but she was already beginning to regret agreeing to this trip. Her father didn'st look strong enough to get on a horse, much less ride several hours to a campsite.

  "I ain'st dead yet," Rawson drawled. "Stop looking at me as if I was, girl." He felt a momentary pang of regret, understanding full well what was going through his daughter's mind. He almost asked her to take him back to town, but his intense fear of dying in a hospital bed kept him silent. His greatest fear was of dying alone, and this trip assured him that wouldn'st happen.

  "I'm sorry, Dad. I didn'st mean--"

  Turning back to watch the passing scenery, Rawson sighed. "I'm the one who should apologize, Lexington. I had no call to jump all over you like that." He closed his eyes and leaned back against the seat. "I appreciate you going to all this trouble for me. Lord knows I haven'st done much to deserve it."

  "You're my father. I'd say that entitles you to ask anything of me," Lex told him quietly. She clenched her jaw and stared at the road ahead.

  "Anything?" He turned his head and opened his eyes to study his daughter for a long moment. "You're quite a piece of work," Rawson admitted ruefully, mindful of the years they had spent apart.

  Driving past the construction on the new house, Lex parked the truck in front of the horse barn. "Why? Because unlike some, I take my responsibilities to my family seriously?" Angry, she turned off the engine and climbed out of the vehicle. "I'll get the horses saddled up. Why don't you just sit here and try to get a little rest."

  Rawson flinched as she slammed the door closed. "Wonder where she got that temper?" He pulled his hat down low over his eyes and followed her advice.

  Lex stomped into the barn and slammed the heavy door behind her. "Damn it! Why do I always let him get to me like that? Ever since I can remember, we'sve always been at each other's throats."

  Several heads poked over their stalls as the horses looked out to see who had come in. The nearest horse, a dark stallion, whickered in greeting. "Hey, fella," Lex greeted him, rubbing his velvet nose. "Sorry I haven'st been out for a few days, Thunder. Things have been pretty hectic lately." When the large animal nuzzled Lex's shirt, she reached around his neck and gave him a hug. "Thanks."

  Wiping the tears from her eyes, Lex opened the door to the tack room and gathered what she needed. She had decided to bring Amanda's gentle mare for her father to ride. The paint pony bobbed her head in greeting as she stepped into the stall and began to place a saddle across Stormy's back. "You'll take good care of Dad, won'st you?" Not waiting for an answer, Lex continued to ready the animals for the trip.

  Thirty minutes later, Lex had their mounts saddled and the supplies packed away on an extra horse. As she started out of the barn, she yelped when she almost ran into a body that just happened to be heading inside at the same time.

  "Goodness, Lexie! You startled me," Martha admitted, holding one hand over her rapidly beating heart.

  "I could say the same for you, Martha. What are you doing out here?" Lex looked over the housekeeper's shoulder to the cab of the truck, where her father appeared to be sleeping.

  Martha placed her hands on her hips and glared at Lex. "Were you going to go off without saying goodbye? I thought I raised you better than that."

  Lex tipped her hat back on her head and sighed. "To tell you the truth, I hadn'st really thought about it one way or the other. How did you know I was here?"

  "Amanda called me a little while ago. She wanted to make sure I gave you this." Martha reached into the front pocket of her apron and brought out one of the small handheld radios. "Just in case you need something and the cell phone doesn'st work."

  Lex took the device. "You two are always watching out for me, aren'st you?" But she tucked the radio into her shirt pocket without complaint.

  "Every chance we get. Where will y'sall be, just in case?"

  "At the far north end of the property where the spring feeds into the creek. Roy knows where it's at." Lex stared at Martha and shrugged her shoulders. "Guess this is it. Better go wake him up, if we're going to get camp set before it gets dark. I don't know how long it'll take us to get there."

  Martha stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Lex. "You be careful, you hear? And give me a holler if you need anything." She leaned back and sniffled. "I'd even get on one of those beasts, if you'd like for me to come along and help."

  Touched at the offer, Lex bit the inside of her cheek to control her emotions. "Thanks. That means a lot to me, but we'll be okay." She leaned over and kissed the housekeeper on the cheek. "Love you."

  "I love you, too." Martha touched Lex's cheek. "Be safe. You'sve got a wedding to attend next month." She stepped back so that Lex could lead the horses over to the truck. As she watched, Lex opened the passenger side of the vehicle and helped the critically ill man to his horse.

  Once they were on their respective mounts, Lex turned around and waved to Martha, who raised her hand in response. She motioned for her father to take the lead away from the barn while she pulled the pack animal behind them, not looking back for fear of losing her composure.

  TWO SQUIRRELS FROLICKED in the courtyard, playing tag under and around the concrete picnic table that sat beneath the huge oak trees. Amanda continued to stare sightlessly through the large window that looked out over the area that was shared by several smal
l office buildings. Her partner had only been gone for half a day, yet the emptiness in her heart from the separation felt as if it had been much longer. She was so involved in her thoughts that she didn'st hear the light knock on her office door, or the quiet greetings from the couple standing in the doorway.

  "Mandy?" Anna Leigh tiptoed into the room, her husband following quietly behind her. "Dearest?"

  Amanda spun her chair around. "Oh, hi. Sorry about that." She stood and limped around the desk to give them welcoming hugs. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

  Jacob kissed the top of her head before he released her. "We just wanted to check on you and see how you were doing. A little birdie told us that you might need some company."

  "This birdie wouldn'st happen to be about six feet tall with blue eyes, would she?" Amanda sat on the edge of her desk and ran her hands over her skirt. Tears sprang to her eyes as she thought about what her lover would be going through for the next few days. "When did you talk to her?"

  "She called us early this morning," Anna Leigh replied. "I believe she said they were on their way to the ranch to get the horses." She sat in the chair closest to Amanda and placed her hand on her granddaughter's knee. "Forgive me for saying this, dear, but is Lexington up to doing this? She sounded so worn out when I spoke with her."

  "To tell you the truth, no. She's been on such a short fuse lately, I'm worried about how her father's death will affect her." Amanda stood and angrily knocked a pile of papers from the desk. "Damn him! Damn Rawson Walters for what he's doing to her." She covered her face with her hands and started to cry, as both grandparents rushed to her side to offer what comfort they could.

  RAWSON SAT UP in his saddle, invigorated. "Damn, I never thought that fresh air would smell so good," he exclaimed to the woman riding behind him. "We going to that little place where the creek always runs deep from the spring?"

  "Yeah. Thought if you were up to it, you might like to do a bit of fishing," Lex pulled the packhorse behind her.

  "Sounds good." He slowed his mount so that she could catch up. "Doesn'st look like he takes too kindly to hauling that load. Do you think you packed enough?"

  Lex felt her temper flare. "I wasn'st sure what you'd need," she grumbled, kneeing her horse and moving ahead.

  "Don't get your hackles up, girl. I was just making talk."

  They traveled the rest of the way in silence, Lex not trusting herself to speak. She had a lot of unresolved feelings where her father was concerned, and she hoped that this final trip would exorcise her childhood demons. Pulling the horses into a quiet clearing, she closed her eyes for a moment and enjoyed the quiet sounds of the running creek and the occasional birdcall.

  After setting up the campsite, Lex brushed the horses and staked them out. She watched as her father reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a small prescription bottle. He poured several tablets into his hand and swallowed them dry, quickly slipping the container back into his pocket. Sighing heavily, she sat at the small campfire he had started. "We never quite decided who'll be doing the cooking."

  "No, I guess we didn'st." He looked into her eyes. "Did you ever learn your way around the kitchen?"

  She laughed. "Umm...no. Why do you think Martha has hung around all these years?" Lex tossed a few twigs into the flames. "I brought some canned stuff, just in case."

  He wrinkled his nose. "Not that crap that we used to take camping? I thought it was banned by the government years ago."

  "Nah. I brought some bread and some canned meats. Nothing as sinister as that other stuff."

  "Well, I reckon that's okay, then." Rawson grimaced and leaned back against the folded blanket that Lex had placed over his saddle. He was thankful for the two sleeping bags she had given him to lie down on so that the cold from the ground wouldn'st seep into his body. "Never figured I'd be this worn out over such a short ride. Think I'll rest a bit before dinner."

  Lex squatted beside him and placed an extra blanket over his legs. "Sounds like a good idea. Are you warm enough?"

  Weakened, Rawson didn'st even feel like fighting her attention. "Maybe another log or two on the fire?" he asked hoarsely. "Can'st seem to get warm."

  "Sure, Dad. I'll take care of it." Lex reached behind herself and grabbed her own sleeping bag. She unzipped the thick material and gently covered the frail man. "You just rest."

  The evening progressed silently, and Lex continued to feed the fire in the hopes of keeping her father warm. Although the temperature had dropped to the low fifties, the heat from the blaze had forced her to strip down to her tee shirt hours ago. She looked into the late night sky. I'm not sure what to do. I must have been out of my damned mind, agreeing to bring him out here.

  Rawson moaned and rolled over onto his side, facing the fire. He pulled the thick covering closer to his face and curled up slightly.

  "Dad?" Lex kneeled next to him. Realizing that he was asleep, she glanced at her watch. Four o'clock in the morning. He's been asleep since we got here. Concerned, she reached down and brushed her fingertips lightly against his forehead. The sleeping man's skin was clammy, even in the glow of the blazing fire. Satisfied he was resting as comfortably as possible, Lex settled down beside her father and stared into the crackling fire.

  Morning dawned clear but cool, and Lex was startled awake by the feel of something on her leg. She jerked up from where she had fallen asleep against her saddle and glanced around. Her father's pained eyes looked into her own.

  "Hey there, sleepyhead," he teased hoarsely. "Where's your sleeping bag? You'sve got to be freezing in that getup."

  Lex looked down at herself and shook her head. She was garbed in just a tee shirt and jeans. "Uh, well..."

  "Kids." The ex-rodeo rider rolled into a sitting position and removed most of the blankets that were piled on top of his body. "Part of this mess was probably yours, wasn'st it?"

  "Yeah." Lex stood and grabbed her denim shirt. "I didn'st sleep much, anyway. Thought you could use it more." She tossed a few more logs onto the dying fire and dusted off her hands. "Looks like it's going to be a nice day today. You want to see about doing a little fishing?"

  Rawson appeared to think about the question for a long moment. "Nah. I think I'd rather just take it easy today. Maybe we can do some fishing tomorrow."

  Not fooled by her father's words, Lex nodded. "Sure." She placed her hands on the small of her back and stretched. Several vertebrae popped and caused Lex to moan in relief. "Would you like for me to make you something for breakfast? I think I can handle that."

  "I'm not very hungry, girl. But you go ahead and get yourself a bite to eat." He dropped back against the saddle and closed his eyes.

  The rest of the morning went by uneventfully, although Rawson had made a point to stay close to the fire. Lex could see that he was growing weaker, and his already pallid complexion had turned frightfully waxen. She knelt by his side and tucked the blanket under his chin. "Dad? Do you want me to get you back to town? You're looking pale."

  "No, girl. I'm doing just fine out here with you. Why don't you sit with me for a bit?" He gasped in pain. "Grab those pills out of my pocket, will you?"

  She pulled out the bottle and read the label. "This says to take one every six hours. You'sve been popping them like candy."

  "Yeah. And it's not doing a hell of a lot of good, either. Give me about four of them. I can'st seem to work the bottle too good."

  "But--"

  "It's not like I'm going to get addicted to them, or something," he joked weakly. "I can'st take it, honey. It's getting too bad." His voice faded on the last words, as he fell back against the padded saddle.

  Fighting back the tears, Lex conceded the point. "Okay." She watched him swallow the four tablets, then looked into the fire. "Guess I'd better get more wood, huh?"

  "Leave it be. I got some things I'd like to say to you, so just be quiet for a bit, all right? I ain'st got much time, and by damn I'm going to get this off my chest."

  "You don't have t
o--"

  "Hush, girl." He reached out and beckoned for her hand, which she promptly placed in his. "I've been a pretty sorry excuse for a father, and I'm not going to try to make up for it with half-assed apologies." His hazel eyes were fogged with pain. "It was never your fault, Lexington. I've always been so damned proud of you, but I never knew exactly how to say it."

  Lex cleared her throat, but didn'st say a word.

  "When you turned about ten or eleven, you looked so much like your mother it nearly killed me. I wasn'st much, but I loved her with all I had." He looked into his daughter's face, fighting back tears of his own. "I wasn'st her first choice, but things worked out and she married me. When she passed on, I wanted to die, too. But I had you kids to think about, so I did the best I could." Rawson paused for a moment to pull himself back together. "It got to the point that I couldn'st stand to look at you, because you reminded me of what I had lost. I'm sorry for that, Lexington."

  "Dad, please. It's all right." Lex could see that he was fighting for almost every breath. "Rest for a while, and we'll talk some more later."

  He shook his head vehemently. "I will, in a minute. Let me just finish this first, okay?" At her nod, he exhaled heavily. "I can'st take the credit for how you turned out, girl, but I'm right damned proud of you. Your brother has been giving you grief most of your life, and I'm sorry. I could never control him much." He lay back and closed his eyes, exhausted with the effort. "This may be late in saying, but I want you to understand that I love you, Lexington. You're the best daughter a man could ever hope to ask for, and I hope that some day you'll forgive me for not being around for you more."

  She pulled his hand to her face and rubbed it against her cheek. "You're here now, Dad. That's the important thing." An errant tear fell from her eye, as she watched him doze off.

  Hours later, the late-afternoon sun peeked through the budding trees, its light tracing bright patterns over Rawson Walter's prone form. Lex sat next to him holding his hand, fearful of letting go. She had spent the entire day watching the slight rise and fall of his chest, afraid to look away. His eyes fluttered open and wearily found hers.