Back in the Soldier's Bed

by Donna Alward

  “Emma?”

  She looked up. The playhouse was too small for him to go inside. He tried squatting by the door and the pain took his breath away. He finally rested his weight on his knees, bracing his hands on the miniature wood door frame.

  “Emma, I’m so sorry for what just happened. It’s not your fault.”

  “I hurt you.” The words came, tiny and contrite.

  The knowledge that she blamed herself touched him. He knew how that felt, only in his case, the self-blame was deserved. But Emma hadn’t known of his wound, he was sure of it.

  “No honey, you didn’t. I was hurt a long time ago, and you didn’t know. It was bad luck that you grabbed the wrong spot on my leg, that’s all.”

  “How did you get hurt?”

  Jonas swallowed against all the pain that came with that question. Being here now was heart-wrenching enough. How did he explain it all to an innocent girl? One who deserved a more perfect world than the one she was inheriting?

  “I was in an accident about a year ago. It was a long way away from here and I was in the hospital for a few months. And it is getting better. Now I just have to exercise and keep seeing the therapist. That’s why you saw me at your mommy’s office.”

  “Oh.”

  “I’m the one who’s sorry, Emma. I think you feel badly and that makes me sad. I wanted us to meet and be smiling.”

  Emma’s eyes cleared and her knees came down from her chest. “Me too.”

  He held out his right hand as if introducing himself. “Let’s start over. Hi Emma. My name’s Jonas and I’m your daddy.”

  He hadn’t known how those words would actually make him feel until he said them. They cracked the shell he’d constructed around his heart, letting in little beams of love. He was someone’s father. She was a part of him. And she was beautiful.

  She rose from the bench and took his large, calloused hand in her smaller soft one. “I’m Emma. I’m pleased to meet you, Daddy.”

  When she smiled, she looked like Shannyn. So much of him was in her looks, but the smile and the freckles were all her mother. He shook her hand gently.

  “I think if you were to try hugging me again, you wouldn’t hurt me.”

  When her arms went around his neck, he put his around her and squeezed.

  So much over the last year had convinced him that life was devoid of hope. Of beauty. Of tenderness. Somehow, by some miracle, one hug from his unknown daughter changed all that. Because in her embrace he knew beauty, and tenderness, and most of all, the elusive glimmer of hope.

  When they released each other, his smile was genuine. “That was a first-class hug,” he praised. “Now, I think your mom is probably worried about us. Let’s go back and get this barbecue underway. I think I saw hamburgers.”

  He pushed himself to his feet, took her hand in his, marveling at the innocent trust in the simple clasp, especially after he’d frightened her so. Together they walked back across the lawn towards Shannyn.

  Shannyn had waited for them to return from the playhouse. She must have decided to come after them, because as they turned the corner of the playhouse, she took only a few steps and halted. Emma held his hand, walking slower than usual in deference to his contracted gait.

  Shannyn’s fingers lifted to her lips. He could see the tremble there, could see the soft shine of tears on her lashes and for a moment he forgot about his injury and all the reasons why it was wrong. For a few blissful seconds, he was the man he’d wanted to be for her all those years ago.

  For a brief flash, the bitterness of the past disintegrated and he felt larger than life. Like a man coming home to his family. A child’s pure handclasp and a waiting woman.

  It wasn’t just Emma who was bringing back to life the feelings he’d locked away. It was Shannyn. He understood her coldness and fear. He’d experienced his share of it. Right or wrong, she’d built a life and now she was having to deal with the consequences, and the strain showed on her. But in those moments she forgot, she was the Shan he remembered. There’d been times when their eyes met that he felt sure their connection was still strong.

  He had no clue how he was going to maintain a relationship with his daughter while keeping Shannyn at arm’s length. He wasn’t the man for her. Not anymore. He’d made his choice and to change his mind would only be unfair to her. He wouldn’t make promises he couldn’t keep.

  What woman would want half a man? He couldn’t help the limp that took him closer to her with every step.

  As they reached the patio, he wished for the first time that they could go back to that summer and do things differently. But there would be no going back. She’d broken faith with him with her lies. Maybe the attraction was still there, but there was no escaping that she’d kept his own child a secret from him for nearly six years.

  He looked down at Emma, holding his hand with the simple trust of innocence. For her, somehow, he and Shannyn would have to find a way to work through this. He was here now, and he was here to stay.

  Shannyn blinked back the tears that had gathered as they approached. She’d been wrong, she realized. Jonas had said it, but somehow she hadn’t believed him. She’d thought her reasons had been justified. But seeing them together now, their hands joined, the beam of pure bliss on Emma’s face, only slightly brighter than the one on Jonas’s… She shouldn’t have kept Emma from him all these years. She should have told him and dealt with the consequences then and there instead of putting it off, pretending it would never happen.

  “Mama, this is my daddy,” Emma announced as they met Shannyn in front of the patio blocks.

  “We’ve met.” Shannyn tried a smile, but it quivered.

  “He was hurt and I didn’t know, so that’s why I hurt his leg.”

  Shannyn got the meaning behind the strange five-year old logic and nodded. “I know, sweetie. I should have told you; warned you to be careful.”

  Emma held his hand firmly in his. “That’s okay, Mama,” she answered. “Daddy and me? We’re good.”

  Shannyn couldn’t help but laugh, even through the emotion thickening her throat. At times Emma sounded so much like the toddler she’d left behind and at others, the adult tone told Shannyn she was growing up fast.

  “I’m glad. I think we can start cooking the burgers now. Do you want to set the table, Emma?”

  “If Daddy helps me.”

  It was going to take a very long time for Shannyn to get used to the word “Daddy” coming out of Emma’s mouth. “Maybe Jonas can pour the drinks while you put out the plates.”

  For several minutes, dinner preparations were ongoing and Shannyn was thankful for Emma’s happy chatter, telling Jonas about school and her friends and what her favorite toys were. It filled up the awkward silences that would have happened otherwise. When they finally sat down to eat, Emma passed Jonas the plate of sliced pickles first thing.

  “Mama said that you like pickles almost as much as me.”

  Jonas took the plate and raised an eyebrow at Shannyn. A slow smile flirted with the edges of his mouth. “I do. I’m surprised she remembers.”

  Emma brushed it off. “Oh Mama, she remembers everything.”

  Shannyn felt Jonas’s eyes on her and heat infused her cheeks.

  “Does she now,” his soft, knowing voice answered.

  Oh, she did. She remembered things she knew would be far best forgotten, no matter how his smile or the sultry sound of his voice played havoc with her good intentions. Just because Jonas was back and involved with Emma, didn’t mean there was room in her personal life for him. Perhaps she’d been wrong in deciding not to tell him he had a child, but the reasons she’d done it were still there. He hadn’t loved her then. He hadn’t once contacted her after he’d transferred. Nothing between them had changed since then. She hadn’t been enough, and they were even further apart now. Nothing he’d said or done since coming back gave her the impression that anything would be different a second time around.

  And she knew she wouldn�
��t survive him breaking her heart a second time.

  But Emma was right about one thing. It didn’t stop the remembering. She remembered how it felt to lay in his arms and look up at the stars. The touch of his lips on hers, the feel of his hard muscles beneath her fingertips. Making love, so wrapped up in each other the rest of the world didn’t exist. A woman didn’t forget a thing like that.

  When she shook herself from her reverie, Jonas was looking at her strangely.

  It would be best if he didn’t know the direction of her thoughts. Because somehow she had to keep him at a safe distance.

  Chapter 6

  When dinner was over, Shannyn sent Emma inside to change into her pajamas while she cleared the table. To her surprise, Jonas wordlessly gathered plates and took them into the kitchen.

  Shannyn came back through the patio doors, folding the red tablecloth as she went. Everything had its place here. But then, she’d always felt the need for order. Perhaps it was the lack of structure she’d had growing up, once her mother left and her father had raised her alone. She’d had to take it upon herself to provide some sort of home life, but she’d only been a child. Her father hadn’t put in much effort, either. By the time adulthood came around, Shannyn had known what she’d always sensed during those difficult years. She wanted a home. A stable, secure, consistent environment. She’d been ready to settle, just when Jonas had been getting ready to explore what he’d thought were bigger, brighter horizons.

  She watched Jonas open the dishwasher, loading it with the dirty dishes from the counter. Quietly she passed by him and tucked the tablecloth into a drawer. Jonas might look the picture of domesticity right now, but she knew he’d been carted from pillar to post as a child as the son of an army major. It had never seemed to bother him, moving around from one place to another. Shannyn had made a home for herself and Emma, something permanent, and it was yet another thing that kept them apart.

  He put the last plate in the rack, added detergent from the cupboard beneath the kitchen sink, and started the cycle. Shannyn wondered how he felt about it now, knowing he probably wouldn’t face deployment again. Was he looking forward to less travel, or would he miss it terribly? Did he dread being sent from base to base for the remainder of his career and missing out on the action?

  When he finished and turned back around, she avoided his eyes, keeping her hands busy by fussing with a dishtowel. Jonas wouldn’t stay, she knew that. But for Emma’s sake, she was glad he didn’t face the same level of danger he always had. At least she should be able to avoid that conversation with her daughter.

  In the quiet of early evening, with the mess tidied up, Jonas’s next words were a surprise.

  “She’s a wonder, Shannyn. You’ve been a great mom; I can see that.”

  All her senses seemed to tingle as she tried to exit the intimate working area of the kitchen. “Thank you.”

  His hand caught hers as she passed by.

  Shannyn looked up, her blue eyes pleading with him not to make this more than it was. “Don’t. Don’t do that.”

  She tugged her hand free, but he didn’t let the matter drop.

  “Do what?”

  “Pretend this is something it’s not.”

  “I only spoke the truth.”

  He dismissed her concern and Shannyn tried to tell herself it had been a compliment and a casual touch. But her cheeks flamed as his eyes remained steadily on her face. She hadn’t been mistaken about the connection she’d felt earlier. A part of her wanted to explore it, to see if it was still as strong as she remembered.

  A bigger part, the broken part of her, told her to leave it alone. That they were all better off if he went his own way. Or at least kept his contact with her in reference to their daughter. She wasn’t prepared for more from Jonas. She couldn’t harden her heart and enter into something she knew ahead of time was temporary. It would be a huge mistake, and she needed to keep both eyes open.

  “I’m just being honest. She is a bright, happy little girl and I have you to thank for it.”

  “Even though I kept her from you.”

  “Yes, even though.” He shoved his hands into his pockets.

  “You’re not angry anymore that I lied to you.”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  Shannyn sighed, going to the table and resting her hands on the back of a chair. She couldn’t expect him to forgive her just like that. The fact that they could even discuss it now without argument was progress. Progress she didn’t want to sabotage by throwing blame back and forth. It would accomplish nothing, and Emma would be in the crossfire. Shannyn had heard her own parents arguing her whole childhood. She refused to repeat that pattern with her own child.

  “You…you were great with her. Thank you.”

  He took a few steps closer, so that his voice rumbled, the seductive sound raising the fine hairs along her arms. “She made it easy. I’m sorry about how things started out.” His apology was genuine. “If I’d have anticipated…”

  His words trailed off, but she picked up where he’d finished. “I didn’t see it coming either. I knew she was excited. I should have been more prepared.”

  “I don’t know how we could have been prepared for this.”

  His words hung in the air between them. “This” meant more than co-parenting. She’d be a fool to think that it didn’t also mean the growing attraction between them. If she was feeling it, it was possible he was too. Despite all the reasons why they were angry and resentful.

  “Me either. I should have thought of it. I’m awfully sorry, Jonas.”

  Shannyn kept the topic on track but couldn’t help but think how odd it was that they were discussing their child’s welfare while she was upstairs changing into her nightgown. To do so after six years of no contact whatsoever, to see him, hear his voice, feel the brief touch of his fingers after thinking he was gone forever, affected her more than she wanted to admit.

  “She’s not going to understand when you have to leave again.” Shannyn grabbed the stack of paper napkins from the holder and started folding them into triangles. Anything to keep her hands busy. “She doesn’t understand how the military works the way I do.”

  “What do you expect from me? I can’t help that assignments change. I go where I’m needed. And in my current condition, that’s here.” He pointed to his leg. “I have a constant reminder of where my life has led. It doesn’t stop me from being her father. It’s not my fault we’re in this mess!”

  She heard the bitter tone in his voice and wished he didn’t feel so angry all the time. It was becoming clearer that he wasn’t just mad at her. There was something deeper, something to do with what had happened to him, she was sure. Perhaps it was how he’d received his wound. She didn’t know and refused to ask. She only knew she couldn’t shoulder all the blame.

  “It’s not exactly all mine either,” she snapped.

  “If you’d told me from the beginning…”

  “Are you saying you’d have left the Special Forces? Stopped being a sniper? You’d have come home to change diapers?”

  “I was deployed. The decision of where I’m stationed isn’t usually up to me, Shannyn. Whether I like it or not.”

  Jonas clamped his jaw shut and stared past her shoulder. It had never bothered him before, going where he was told. Yet in the last few months he’d started to resent the choice being taken away from him. “Let’s just say I don’t know what the future holds for me and I’ll deal with it when it happens,” he finally ground out.

  “That really doesn’t help me prepare Emma, now does it?” She stopped her folding and finally faced him dead on. “It’s the best I can do.” He pursed his lips, resenting the fact that somehow they’d ended up arguing anyway, even though he had only wanted to pay her a compliment.

  “And it’s why I didn’t tell you about her in the first place.” Her eyes narrowed with accusation. “Did you know she asked for a daddy for Christmas?”

  Of course he hadn’t, but he
couldn’t help but warm at the thought. It fit with the impression he’d gathered of her today. He made another attempt at defusing the situation.

  “Shannyn, we’re all feeling our way around here. I’ve only just met her today. I don’t have a fatherhood instruction book telling me what step to take next. And believe me…I have enough to deal with already.”

  But Shannyn was undeterred. It was like she was pushing him to admit something. “Like what? You’re working as an instructor now. That seems a pretty choice assignment for someone your age.”

  The simple mention of having to deal with things made his heart pound harder, faster. It wasn’t a choice assignment. It was all he was able to do after having his leg mangled on a nameless battlefield no one was supposed to know about. He wasn’t fit to do anything else.

  “That doesn’t mean I necessarily earned that spot. What do you want me to say, Shannyn? That I miss active duty? I’ll admit it, freely. I was damned good at what I did and at least there I didn’t feel…redundant.”

  “Passing your expertise on to others makes you redundant?”

  “It’s what they do when you can’t do your job anymore.” He spread his arm wide. “They find a place for you somewhere else. Reassign you to something in an office. Because you’re not fit to serve your purpose.”

  It was out before he had a chance to think, and he realized how angry he sounded.

  “You do that a lot. Say things but leave it so ambiguous it seems like a riddle. Why don’t you explain what you mean?”

  That was the one thing he couldn’t do. If she looked at him differently now, it would be even worse if she knew the truth. A sheen of cold sweat popped out on his forehead. He’d let his unit down. He’d let Parker down. And they’d given him a medal and called him a hero for it. But no one understood what he’d been through.

  “Jonas?”

  Shannyn put her hand on his arm. He’d gone again, just like he had that other time on the Green. One second engaged in conversation, the next completely dissociated and so very, very still. Except for the nearly imperceptible trembling beneath her hand.