At the Risk of Forgetting

by A. M. Wilson

  Law responded with a, ‘good to hear,’ while Nathan said, ‘Appreciate you letting me know you girls are all right. Get some ice on that foot and go to sleep. See you tomorrow.”

  See? Night and day.

  A giant scoop of the salted caramel gelato balanced on my spoon in front of my mouth. Evelyn and I had been eating it straight from the carton. Teaching her to eat her emotions wasn’t the best idea, but it was all I could think of when she wouldn’t stop crying about this Dean boy I hadn’t heard of before today.

  “So, when you go to school tomorrow, don’t even give Dean a second of your attention.” I circled the spoon widely between us, and the ice cream nearly fell off. “I mean, don’t even look at him. Be cool, of course. No, wait. What I mean is be yourself. Don’t make a big scene.”

  Basically, don’t do exactly what I did when Law broke my heart. I wished I could tell her that in detail. Someday, absolutely, I’d tell her everything. Today wasn’t that day. When she heard that story, she’d have to hear all the gory details, including who her real father was, and that wasn’t something I was ready to admit to anybody. I could hardly admit it to myself.

  “Mom.” She sighed and dropped her spoon, with a thud, into the carton. “Dean’s not even the reason I’m so upset. I mean, he is since he said yes to being my boyfriend but then dumped me the next day. But he’s not the whole reason. It’s that Casey betrayed me. How can my best friend leave me for the boy she knew I had a crush on?” Her face started to crumble as she went on, and that damn near broke my heart.

  “I thought Maggie was your best friend?”

  “No, I haven’t been best friends with Maggie since the summer ended and she started hanging out with Kate.” The attitude I knew so well was starting to peek out.

  “Ah, I remember now.” I shoved another spoonful in my mouth. So, maybe I wasn’t so good at this stuff. Good or not, it felt great to be having this conversation with my daughter. With it being just the two of us, I’ve made it my mission to be as open and honest with her as I can be, and to keep her open and honest with me.

  I swallowed the creamy, cold deliciousness, and after licking my spoon clean, I set it on the coffee table. Leaning forward, I grabbed Evelyn’s hands and held each of them in one of mine.

  “I know it sucks, baby. Even more so because it’s a part of life. You’re going to encounter many people who only care about themselves and will push others out of the way to get what they want. It doesn’t sound like Casey was thinking about your friendship very much, and for that, I’m sorry. I hope the next time someone lets you down so deeply, it doesn’t hurt as bad as this.

  “And when you do see her tomorrow, you have a couple options. One, you can confront her. That is your right to let her know she hurt you, and that she wasn’t being a very good friend. Or, number two, you can smile when she walks passed you, and not let her know that she made you sad. A lot of people think standing up for yourself means using your words. I don’t think that’s true. Sometimes, we can stand up to our enemies by showing them they didn’t hurt us like they’d hoped. Anyone can speak the truth, but it takes a lot of strength to use our actions to show people we are okay.”

  Evelyn pulled her hand away and scrubbed at her eye. “I know you’re right, but I want to make her feel bad like she made me feel bad.”

  “I’m sure you do. However, two wrongs-ˮ

  “Don’t make a right. Yeah, I know...”

  Needing to reassure her, I pulled her into my arms and kissed the hair at the top of her head. “You’re going to be just fine, sweetheart. I wish I could tell you this would never happen again, but it will. And it doesn’t necessarily get easier. You get stronger.”

  “Someday, I’ll be as strong as you.”

  My throat suddenly went dry. I swallowed hard and rested my cheek against her head. “You’ll be stronger,” I murmured.

  ***

  Two things I learned from hobbling around on crutches for a week. One: it was impossible to drive.

  Nathan dropped my car off the next day with the help of Ross, another coworker of ours. Although, not one I’d ever worked with on the same ambulance, so I didn’t know how good of a guy he was. Him helping Nathan return my car to me earned him some points in the nice guy category. That said, once I had my car back, I was tempted to drive. That didn’t go as planned. I tried maneuvering myself so my left foot could do all the pedal work, but that squished my right foot up against the center console. Too much work was involved. I made it as far as the stop sign at the end of the street before I turned the car back around.

  As soon as I limped back inside, I picked up my cell phone and called my friend Lori, the mom of Evelyn’s friend Maggie, and arranged for her to pick up and drop off Evelyn until I was back on both feet. That woman was a lifesaver. She’d been on my rotation since our girls started school and I had struggled to get childcare for Evelyn with my strange work hours. Lori stepped up to cover where Kiersten couldn’t and had been doing so ever since.

  I made a mental note to add another gift card to her Christmas basket I was putting together.

  The second thing I learned is that I cannot stand being cooped up in the house with nothing to do. Not only that, but when there is something that needs to be done and I can’t do it, I go straight up crazy.

  Evelyn was a great help taking care of the laundry and dishes. Those had been her chores for a couple years now, so I didn’t have to put up with any extra attitude.

  No, what was driving me insane was that the day I decided to take my jog, and subsequent fall, down by the river, I hadn’t finished all the winter prep I had intended to do outside. Snow still hadn’t fallen, which meant there was still time, even if that time was running exceptionally slim. I needed to clean my gutters and change out my window screens, but there was no way I could climb a ladder with one foot. I also needed to winterize my lawn mower and weed whipper, and swap the summer supplies out for my shovel and snow blower. I only hoped the snow would hold off until I was healed and could get it done.

  Today was Wednesday following my accident. Which meant today was the day of my date-that-wasn’t-a-date with Nathan.

  I was a wreck.

  I didn’t go on dates. Okay, amending that to say I didn’t go on dates often. Often, as in never. My last date the night before Law showed up in Arrow Creek was a sorry attempt, the first in well over a year. If I had anything going for me, it was that I wasn’t teaching my daughter about parading men in and out of the house. Give me a check in the win column for that one.

  But this was Nathan. Was that a good or a bad thing? I wasn’t sure. In a lot of ways it was easier, because we already knew so much about each other. I was comfortable with him. I knew a lot of his history, and he knew mine. We didn’t have to go through any awkward stages.

  The flip side to that positive was that I didn’t feel much for him in the attraction category. Besides him kissing me, I didn’t get stomach flips or excitement over seeing him. I didn’t feel much of anything. And that kiss seemed like a fluke because it’d been nearly half my life since I’d kissed anyone else, besides Law’s kiss just a few days before. I mean, of course my body would react like that...right?

  The water in my shower was getting cool. That’s a first. I’ve lived in my home eleven years and not once had I run the water heater dry. I depressed the lever into the wall, and the steady stream above my head stopped.

  Cool air pricked at my skin as I stuck an arm out in search of my towel. I found it, pulled it inside the shower, and closed the glass door to prevent as much heat from escaping. It may finally be time to turn the furnace on. The temps were dipping below freezing at night, and the house was cold.

  I dried as much water from my skin, wrapped the towel around my body, and hopped out onto the thick, memory foam mat outside the shower stall. The toes on my good foot wiggled and squished the material while I leaned against the shower door and contemplated what to do next.

  Lotion in here, robe, the
n search for clothes.

  However, when I stepped out to find something to wear, I noticed I didn’t have a single bra in my room. Crap. Evelyn must have left them to dry when she did the laundry.

  I tightened the belt to my robe, a sweet, mint-green silk with an edge of cream lace (who said a single mom can’t have sexy things), and grabbed one crutch for support as I made my way to the laundry closet.

  “Hey, Evelyn? Did you wash my bras? I can’t find them.”

  “Sorry, yeah. They’re hanging up.” Her voice came muffled from behind her bedroom door as I limped passed. I hit the kitchen when her bedroom door swung open. “Wait, have you not been wearing a bra all week?”

  I swiveled on one crutch to face her, just in time to see her nose wrinkle. “Yes,” I snapped, though not meanly.

  Her eyes widened in surprise of my confession. “But, mom!” she hissed, as though someone was around to hear our conversation. “What if someone sees your,” she leaned closer and quieted her voice, “nipples?”

  An unladylike snort burst out before I could censor it. It was too late. A full riot of laughter barked out after. “Oh, honey,” I wheezed, trying to catch my breath. “For one, nobody’s seen me. I’ve been at home all week. Second, my body is mine to do with as I please, and stuffing myself into a bra when I wasn’t leaving the house was not something I was about to do.”

  “Does that mean I don’t have to wear one?”

  “No.” The answer was automatic, and the laughter instantly dried up.

  Evelyn raised her eyebrows at me in challenge.

  “Sorry, sweets, but you have to wear one for now. The reasons suck, and it’s a sucky part about being a woman in this society, but until you’re an adult, that’s the rule.”

  “Why though? If my body is mine, I should be able to do as I please, too.”

  I sighed. “If you chose to run around naked down the street, you could be arrested for that choice. It’s not that simple, and I wish it were. No, you wouldn’t be arrested by not wearing a bra. But, just as your body is yours to do with as you want, it’s also yours to protect with your life.”

  “What does that even mean?”

  “It means that there are predators out there who will try to look at and touch what isn’t theirs. And it hurts me to have to tell you this, because nothing you do could ever warrant someone touching you when you don’t want them to, but some sick people think if they can see certain parts of your body, it’s an invitation. It’s not,” I emphasized, looking into her eyes as I spoke, willing her with my mind and my heart to truly hear me. “You could be wearing a miniskirt, a lowcut tank top with your belly hanging out, and that still wouldn’t be an invitation for anyone to touch you if you didn’t want them to. Being able to see your breasts through your shirt isn’t, either. But you’re my baby, and until you’re an adult, it’s my sole mission to protect you. Even if it means requiring you to do something that’s unjust and unfair.”

  The conversation soured my stomach and guilt ate at me. That wasn’t what I wanted to tell her. I wanted to be a cool modern parent who would encourage her to do what felt best. To be herself and make choices not based on conformity. I couldn’t do it, though. The need to protect her was too strong, and that made me feel like a failure as a mother.

  “Okay, mom. You don’t have to worry because I like wearing my new bras, anyway. I’m going to finish getting ready for school. Lori will be here in a few minutes.”

  Crap!

  “I better get dressed, then.”

  She walked down the hall, and I made it to the laundry closet and found my bras neatly hanging from the drying rack. I snagged a fire engine red one and closed the door behind me.

  A loud rattling noise came from the window above the sink. My heart jumped into my throat, and I spun in that direction. My crutch crashed to the ground. Without the support, my balance wavered, and I reached for the closet door handle. After steadying myself, I shouted, “What the crap!”

  Law looked up from where he was swapping out my screen for the storm window, his eyes catching mine. Even though it was early morning and the lighting was dim, I could see how dark his eyes looked. The gray overpowered the green, making them appear dark and stormy, a parallel of the weather outside.

  His jaw tightened, the muscle standing out in his cheek, and his gaze swept down my body.

  I dropped mine too, and that’s when I remembered the way I looked. Half-naked in a sexy, satin robe that hit mid-thigh and clutching a bold red bra.

  Clenching my own jaw shut, I screamed, and in an epic fuck my life moment, I squatted down in my barely-there robe, retrieved my crutch, and limped away as quickly as I could, giving him the perfect view of my barely covered ass.

  He was going to get a piece of my damn mind.

  What did he think he was doing here? I hadn’t heard a word since his responding text the night I hurt my foot; I didn’t even know he was back in town. Then, without asking me for permission, hell, even if I minded, he showed up at my house just after sunrise to replace my windows?

  He was insane.

  I dressed in record time. Evelyn popped out of her room as I passed, and a horn sounded from the driveway.

  Crap, now she was running late, and therefore, making other people late.

  “Hug, kiss, get a move on,” I admonished gently as we made our way to the front door.

  We hugged, and Evelyn moved to kiss me on the cheek while I swung the interior door open.

  My eyes moved in that direction to see if I could read Lori’s mood, except my view was blocked by Law, standing on my doorstep, with his fist raised, ready to knock. His jaw was solid and his eyes were unreadable as he took the two of us in.

  Evelyn gave me a kiss and pulled away. “See you later, mom. Love you.”

  “Love you too, honey.” I ran my fingers affectionally through her hair.

  Law stepped back and opened the screen door, which I noticed now had the storm window instead of the screen.

  She stepped through it, and tilted her head up to look at Law. “Oh.” She turned back toward me, as if she remembered something. “Am I staying late at Lori’s tonight?”

  “Um...” I ran through the reasons why she would be, and I came up blank.

  “Because you have that date. You said I’d be staying late at Lori’s?”

  I didn’t have to look at Law to feel the anger pouring off him. His stare felt like a 50-pound weight wrapped around my neck.

  I clutched the knob of the interior door. “Yes.” The word strangled me. Clearing my throat, I spoke louder. “Yes, you’ll be at Lori’s until I can come get you.”

  At this exact moment, I would trade falling down a hill ten times the size of the one by the Swinging Bridge than having to deal with a pissed off Law. Again.

  “Cool. Later mom.”

  “Bye.”

  I waved to Lori, hoping she wasn’t upset with us for running late. Also hoping she didn’t run her mouth to anyone about the strange man on my doorstep at eight in the morning.

  I took a measured breath in order to address Law, but he beat me to it. He did it by being clear, concise, and pissed in a way I could tell he didn’t want to talk about it.

  “I have two windows left, then I’m done with those. I’ll clean the gutters and get your lawn mower to the shed. The window by your kitchen sink had a small hole in the seal so I caulked it.”

  “When did you...how did you know...?” I spluttered, trying to understand what the hell was happening.

  “The day you hurt your foot, your daughter told me you were doing outside work then left to go for a jog. I looked around while I waited for you to get back.”

  “You spoke to Evelyn?”

  “Yep. Nice kid. Polite. You should tell her not to answer the door when you aren’t home. It’s not safe.”

  So many things flashed through my mind at once. “You went through my garage?”

  He looked me steadily in the eye. “I was waiting a long time.”


  I ignored his implication. “How’d you know I didn’t get to all that while you were gone?”

  “Didn’t.”

  “So, you’re into B & E now?”

  “Hardly breaking in when the garage isn’t even locked.”

  “You are unbelievable,” I snapped.

  “I could say the same.”

  Clearly done with the conversation, Law turned and jogged down my steps.

  I felt like a crazy person leaning out my front door yelling after him, “What was that supposed to mean?”

  He didn’t answer.

  I huffed in frustration and went back inside, shutting the door behind me. Closed, but not locked, and I didn’t know what that said about me.

  I’d find out what it said a couple hours later.

  ***

  When I was angry, I loved to clean. I could take frustrations out on some soap scum like no other. Give me a scratch pad, sponge, and a bucket of soapy water, and I wouldn’t stop until my emotions were purged and the house was spotless.

  I tried that this morning but found there wasn’t much to clean, and I realized it was because I’d never been this angry before.

  Normally, I angry cleaned because I didn’t want to end up yelling at Evelyn and luckily, for the both of us, those feelings would fade fast. Ten minutes into my scrub fest, the adrenaline would slow, and I could rationally think about how to deal with whatever she did.

  Like that time she was five and took a sharpie to my brand-new microfiber couch. It took me six months to save up enough money to buy us a living room set, and the first week it was in our home, she used it as her new canvas. I was furious, something I hated myself for because she was so young. All my hard work felt for nothing. I sent her to her room so I could hand scrub the kitchen floor, and before I was halfway done, I’d calmed down enough to remember the protection plan I’d purchased. I called the number on the receipt, and they talked me through cleaning it with rubbing alcohol and a white sponge. I was skeptical at first, but as my new couch was revived, I turned into a believer.