Complete Works of L. Frank Baum
Page 884
I wish it to be understood that I have no
confederate. And as I have no
confederate will some gentleman please
step forward and kindly assist me?
----Anyone at all ----no matter who.
(Bus)
Thank you, I’ll take this gentleman.
(Bus)
Watch me closely now, for you’ll find that
my hands are quicker than your eyes. I
place the egg within the handkerchief
---so!
(Bus)
and with a few magic passes --- is gone.
Presto! Change!
(Bus)
Gyle
It’s a fake -- fake -- fake. He’s a faker!
Wizard
Now for the marvels of marvels - my
famous magic basket.
(Bus)
I have here a basket which contains
nothing but gleamerin’ blades which go
round and round. To satisfy yourselves
you can all step up and examine the
inside of the basket.
(Bus)
Now, I’m pleased to know that you’re all
satisfied that the basket contains nothing
but gleamerin’ knives, and as I have no
confederate will some gentleman kindly
step forward and assist me? Anyone at
all. You can select whoever you like.
(Bus)
Thank you, I’ll take this gentleman.
(Bus)
Now he’s in the basket. We immediately
turn the basket over.
(Bus)
Then we secure the dangerous burning
acid. Fire in the liquid.
(Bus)
The burning acid I pour all over the
basket.
(Bus)
Don’t be alarmed. I’m here. Then we
secure the sword,--
(Bus)
The poison tipped sword, piercing the
basket through and through
(Bus)
Opening the basket, he’s gone.
(Bus)
Closing the basket, and back to its
original place and opening up the basket,
and out he jumps, as lively and hearty as
ever.
(Bus)
Gyle
That’s nothing. I can do it. I can do it.
Wizard
You can?
Gyle
Yes, me or any other fraud.
Wizard
I have to laugh in my sleeve.
(Ha ha’s in his sleeve)
(To crowd)
Laugh at him.
(They laugh “HA”.)
Again!
(They laugh again “Ha.”)
You see, they give you the ha-ha.
Gyle
(To Crowd)
Can’t you see that he’s no wizard? Just a
plain human humbug! If I prove that, and
save the country from a tyrant will you
make me king?
Guard
Prove it.
Gyle
If he’s a Wizard let him defy this bomb.
(Throws bomb at Oz’s feet. It bounces off
stage - he throws a second with the same
result)
Wizard
(Smilingly)
I’m a regular bomb charmer. Merely by a
glance of the eye I hypnotize the
dynamite.
Bardo
(Seizing Gyle)
What shall we do with him?
Wizard
Throw him out of the palace. He’s not
worth taking seriously.
Gyle
(Waving third bomb)
Some day one of these will work.
Wizard
That’s more than you’ll do.
(Two guards remove Gyle C.)
Now, Bardo, the royal entertainment
being over you may pass the royal hat.
(Crowd starts)
Here, come back. Don’t run away.
(Bus. Bardo passing hat. Crowd does not
respond with contributions. Bardo
returns)
What’s the matter, Bardo?
Bardo
They’re very sorry, but they won’t have
anything to spare till pay-day.
“
PAY-DAY” SONG.
(Oz and full chorus)
(Chorus exits on the refrain. Bardo exits)
(Oz Xes R. and sits on throne chair)
Cynthia
(Enters C.)
Ah, there sits my Niccolo, brooding over
his love for me. Beneath that awful mask
beats the heart of my own true lover.
(Coming down C.)
Good morrow, most noble king!
Wizard
Good morning, Carrie.
Cynthia
Will you come rowing me with in my
garden?
Wizard
Rown’ in the garden? I’ll have to
disappoint you; I’m just going out for a
walk on the lake.
Cynthia
‘Tis a deep sea garden the soft shell crabs
are all in bloom, and as we row we’ll
dredge for oyster plants. And we’ll build
us a beautiful house of tinted pearls and
butterflies to wait on us - and June
bugs---
Wizard
She’s bug house.
Cynthia
Come with me to the bottom of the sea
and be my king-fish.
Wizard
No, I’d sooner stay here and stick to my
perch.
Cynthia
Ah, sneer if you will; you cannot turn me
from my purpose. Think, my darling
think---
(Bus)
Wizard
I think I’ll think up here.
(Jumping up on chair)
Cynthia
My head is full of thoughts; they go
round and round---
Wizard
Those are not thoughts - they are roller
skates.
(Aloud)
The lady has hallucinations.
Cynthia
My brain is on fire.
Wizard
Yes, and I’m getting a little hot-headed
myself.
(Comes down from throne)
Cynthia
(Lovingly)
Oh, Niccolo! Bewitched and transformed
as you are, you must recognize your old
sweetheart. Don’t you remember we used
to wander together.
Wizard
And now you’re wandering alone. Dinny
open the gate - open the gate.
Bynthia
But I have found you. Come, fly with me.
Wizard
I will as soon as my wings come back
from the laundry.
Cynthia
Niccolo - Niccolo. Don’t you remember
your old sweetheart? Your little Cinnie,
whom you swore to love forever? Think
Think! You were younger then and your
hair was parted in the middle. And Nick,
---you had another face.
Wizard
That’s a hard one - that’s a hard one. I beg
pardon, but from childhood up this face
grew on me. Now, see here, my good
lady, we had better come to an
understanding. Your ideas are all right in
a way, but even at that you’re wrong. You
think you’re speaking to the party that
you are, but you’re not - you’re talking to
me.
Cynthia
Do you spurn the heart I lay at your feet?
Alas, al
as! I am undone.
(Bus)
Wizard
You’re all right behind.
Cynthia
Monster! If I cannot have my Nick I’ll
have revenge!
(Fires pistol at Oz)
(Bell rings off stage)
(Oz takes large bullet from mouth, throws
it on floor and exits R.)
(Bus. for Cynthia)
He’s made of asbestos. Would that all
lovers were fireproof.
CYNTHIA (Exit)
(Captain at Guard enters C. with
Dorothy, Tin Woodman and Scarecrow)
Scarecrow
Is this where the Wizard does his
principal wizzing?
Captain
Can’t you see it’s his palace? Haven’t you
got any brains?
Scarecrow
That’s just what I came here to get.
Dorothy
(To Captain)
He’d like a few brains and I’d like a pass
to Kansas.
Capt.
(To Tin-man)
And what do YOU want of the Wizard?
Tin-man
I’ll take a heart.
Capt.
I’ll announce you wants. But, be warned.
Don’t make light of aught in his presence.
Scarecrow
If I made light of anything they’d cancel
my fire insurance.
Dor.
(To Capt)
We’ve come a long way to get the Wizard
to help us. Do you think he can?
Captain
I cannot tell. He alone knows.
Scarecrow
Don’t worry, Dottie. If you have to stay
here we’ll take care of you.
(To Tin-man)
You’re in on that, Pie-plates?
Tin-man
That’s right, Dottie. With all my heart -
when I get it.
(Flourish of trumpets heard off)
Capt.
His Majesty approaches!
(Flourish of trumpets and enter Oz, R
followed by Bardo)
Tin-man
Here comes the Wizard!
Wizard
(Seeing Dottie)
What! Strangers here!
Scarecrow
Yes; little Dottie.
Wizard
You all look a little Dottie.
Dorothy
Oh no, I’m Dorothy Gale. Are you the
great Magician?
Wizard
Am I? Watch!
(Bus. Thunder each time he makes a pass
with his hands.)
All done by the passes of the hand.
Dor.
Then you can send me back to Kansas
with a pass.
Wizard
I am not a Congressman.
Scarecrow
(Coming C.)
Brains, please.
Wizard
How will you have your brains, plain or
sizzled?
(Bus. for Scarecrow)
Dorothy
(To Scarecrow)
Have them scrambled, by all means.
Tin-man
Yes, have them strangled.
Wizard
How would you like a Russell Sage
thinker with just a Dash of Hetty Green.
Scarecrow
You’re the doctor.
Wizard
Bardo - my book, please.
(Bus. and Oz reads from book)
“One pound of Angustora Phosphorus
plant-tissue lyonised with tincture of
fundamental and double distilled extract
of Graphohoneical essence.” Now, as far
as I’ve got, how does that suit you?
Tin-man
When you get it tuned up, play
something.
Wizard
Tuned up?
Tin-man
Say, Wiz, never mind that blended brain;
just mix him up a little of that straight
Mark Hanna brand.
Wizard
Correct. How would you like to have a
Mark Hanna brain?
(Bus. for Scarecrow)
Tin-man
That’s it - take it.
Scarecrow
I’ll take it.
Wizard
That’s it. Take the best, it’s the cheapest.
The other would make you daffy. Brains,
the real genuine Mark Hanna grey matter.
Now, for the oraments. Would you like to
have a dash of orange bitters?
Bus
Tin-man
Take all you can get.
Scarecrow
Take all I can get?
Wizard
That’s right. This way, please.
(Scarecrow goes towards him, warbling)
Oho! So you’re a warbler, eh?
Scarecrow
I’m so happy.
Wizard
Well, you’ll be happier by the time I’m
through with you. Now do you know
where you want your brains?
(Bus)
On the roof. Correct. Over here, please.
(Bus)
We start in by making a small incision.
---
Tin-man
Say, Wiz, that’s no watermelon.
Wizard
Certainly not. No watermelon.
(Bus)
Ah, I see he’s troubled with a little hay
fever -- and an over-abundance, too, at
that. I’ll remove---
(Bus)
Now, we’ll see further.
(Bus)
Well, what have we here? In all my
experiences in trephining I never saw
anything to equal the likes of this.
(Bus)
And the further you go the better they get
- a regular squirrel’s nest.
(Taking peanuts from Scarecrow’s head
and handing them to Tin-man and others)
Search that. I don’t think there’s a blank
among any of them. The real genuine
article.
(Bus)
This feller is nutty.
(Bus. to Scarecrow)
The first thing you know you’ll have
rubber brains. Keep quiet if you can’t
keep still.
(Bus)
We’ll start in---
(With knife)
at the frontal bone, passing along the
seam of imagination, crossing over to the
pocket containing paroties of thought---
(To Bardo)
The Gridoler----
(Bus)
Now----
(Bus)
Well, brains---
(Bus)
Steady - steady!
(Bus. Scarecrow)
Man dear, yer losin’ yer senses. Couldn’t
you see?
(Bus)
The mucilage!
(Bus)
A few layers of the phrenological salve,
and you’re all right.
(Bus)
There you are. Your Mark Hanna roof is
well shingled.
Scarecrow
(Rising, coming down feeling his head)
Oh, oh, how I love the poor workingman!
Wizard
How do you feel now?
Scarecrow
Like making speeches to the intelligent
voter. I’ll write one.
(Retires up, produces pad and pencil and
writes)
Tin-man
(Going to Oz) (Bus)
One heart haben.
Wizard
What size heart do you wear?
Tin-man
Six-seven eights.
Dorothy
Wouldn’t you like to be considered a
big-hearted man?
Tin-man
I couldn’t afford it Dottie. I’ve got lots of
tin, but I hate to part with it.
Wizard
Would you like to have your heart hot or
cold?
Tin-man
Warm.
Wizard
Warm?
Tin-man
Luke?
Wizard
Here’s one, left by a young lady named
Sapho.
Tin-man
Then it’s second handed. Very expensive?
Wizard
Well, it used to be a dear heart, but this
being bargain day I’ll give it to you
cheap. A dollar thirty-eight.
Tin-man
(Taking heart)
There’s a flaw in it. I’ll give you sixtyeight.
Wizard
It’s yours.
Tin-man
That’s a bargain.
Wizard
Will you have it wrapped or sent?
Tin-man
I’ll take it wth me.
Wizard
Where will you have it?
Tin-man
(Pointing to head)
Don’t put it in there.
Wizard
Certainly not.
Tin-man
Sink it in those.
(Putting hand on breast)
Wizard
What do you want, a sink, or a ---Bardo,
my surgical instruments.
(Bardo throws tools at foot of throne)
Tin-man
Say, what are you? A plumber?
Wizard
No. I think I’m a tinsmith.
(Bus)
Tin-man
I think you’re a----wait a minute.
(Bus)
Wizard
What’s the matter? Nervous?
Tin-man
Just a little excited, that’s all.
Wizard
I’ll stop that.
(Bus. with mallet)
Tin-man
Wait a minute. There’s no hurry about
this.
Wizard
Oh, yes there is, there’s others waiting.
Tin-man
Well, let them wait. I guess I’ll call in
to-morrow.
Wizard
Now, don’t be heartless. Have a heart.
(Bus)
What’s the matter with you?
Tin-man
Oh, Wizzie, ---nice little Wizzie -- will
you do me a favor?
Wizard
Certainly I will - what’s the matter? What
are you shaking about?
Tin-man
Just a little case of nervous prosperity.
(Bus. of Oz putting heart into Tin-man)
Wizard
I’ll fix that.
(Bus)
Tin-man
That didn’t hurt. Shine!
Wizard
I’m going to put a little absinthe on your
heart.
(Bus. of putting absinthe on heart and
putting it into Tin-man)
There, your heart will beat in two
minutes!
Tin-man
It’s working already.
(Bus. and going L.)
Wizard
(To Dorothy)
Don’t be alarmed. I suppose you want a
pair of feet.
Dorothy
No, I want a pass to Kansas.
Wizard
I’m afraid my Kansas passes are all