Perfect Imperfections

by Unknown

  Then, Kim sat on the bed and gently stroked Richard’s hands. “How much longer, Ma?” Kim finally dared to get to the point.

  “Not much.” The words caught in Judith’s throat. It had been long since she had allowed herself to think of that. Her take-one-day-at-a-time mantra was the only reason she was able to pull through these years ever since she was told of Richard’s terminal illness. “Not much,” she said again, and this time the words came out louder and stronger, but the prickling tears betrayed her forced bravado.

  A pang of guilt pierced Kim. What was she doing? She wanted to go hug her mother like the many times she had after every fight with her. That hug said it all. But today, she just couldn’t get herself to take those few steps towards her mother and hug her. She couldn’t separate the woman who asked her to sacrifice her future from the mother who sat in front of her right now. She couldn’t separate the girl who had to give up her dreams from the girl who needed to help her family; she just couldn’t.

  It was not long before Richard woke up again. Even though the medications had made it harder and harder for him to have clear thoughts and moments of clarity, he tried to be completely present and surprisingly energetic in the conversation.

  “So, Dave? Is that right?” he asked.

  CHAPTER 7

  Dave knew that Kim’s good cheer was only a pretense. Beneath that façade, there were hidden feelings of guilt and hurt and they came up prominently whenever she saw Judith. What was with these women? — Dave often wondered. Why couldn’t they let things go when they clearly wanted to?

  As he stood there, making small talk with Judith, he felt himself being measured for every word that came out of his mouth. He had not been in a situation like this in a long time — twenty years to be precise, when he had started his business — but the feeling now was more uncomfortable than it was back then. At that time, he had just been looked upon as incapable boy and judged for every breath he took. But today was different.

  And why was it different? Why was he willingly facing this discomfort? The answer came to him the next instant — if he allowed himself to be in this wretched position, it said just one thing about him. He loved Kim.

  “Yes, Dave,” said Dave and stretched out his hand to shake Richard’s. But Richard merely lifted his hand, gesturing him to come closer for a hug.

  Standing close to them, Kim couldn’t believe her eyes. There were no questions, no arguments. Richard would never have hugged another man, let alone a man who was dating one of his daughters. The sight was so overwhelming that she couldn’t control the stream of silent tears. She could not control them, no matter how hard she tried.

  Dave proceeded to hug Richard, and as he did so, he heard him mumble in a voice that was barely audible, “Thank you for bringing her.” Dave just shook his head. He felt an instant camaraderie with this ailing man. His heart felt heavy with the thought that if this man had more time, then they would have perhaps liked each other’s company.

  The rest of the afternoon, Richard kept oscillating between sleep and wakefulness, and whenever he was awake, he would tell Dave about Kim. He told him how she had always wanted to do things the way they were not supposed to be done. He told her how she had run off one evening as she was not given permission for a night out at Beth’s, and had spent all evening hiding in the backseat of his car. “Did you know I had seen you climb in the car, Kim?” he asked. “That was why we never went looking for you.” He chuckled, and the hollow noise echoed in his chest. “And when she saw we had not come for her even by dinnertime, she came back in and announced that we had proven we loved Sammy more than her and had not even noticed her gone.”

  He looked at Dave. “She was so adorably mad at us. You see she didn’t know that Beth was down with fever and we didn’t want her to worry about her best friend. So we didn’t tell her why she couldn’t go over. But Kim…” he looked at Kim and then back at Dave. “You sure you want her? Well she can be a handful.” Another chuckle escaped his mouth, making that hollow echo sound again. “She is the best thing that could have ever happened to us.”

  He looked at Judith now and raised his frail hands. He slipped those hands into hers and laced her fingers. “She will resist and will be mean as hell, but you must know by now that that meanness is only a pretense.”

  Then he grinned at Kim, looking at her knotted eyebrows and the little pout that had formed on her lips, just like the many times it had when anyone spoke of her like a child.

  “Look after her, Dave, even when she doesn’t want to be looked after,” he said and paused. “And remember to duck,” that hollow chuckle sounded again. “You’ll thank me for that!”

  “Dad!” Kim felt her throat closing. Why did this feel like a last conversation? The very thought made her ache. “Enough of this.” She walked to his side, pushing Dave back. “You need to rest. We’ll check with the doctor when we can take you home. Then I am going back to the hotel, pack up my bags, and bring in my luggage home. So… just rest now.”

  ***

  It didn’t take Dave much to convince Kim to apply for some leave, and to Kim’s surprise, Dave become a more welcome part of the family than she could have imagined. Even Judith had grown genuinely fond of him and, on the few occasions that Richard felt well enough to join them in the living room, they would collectively tease Kim for her reactions to tough situations. But seeing her family, minus Sam of course, her heart welled up. It all felt so normal. She hadn’t felt normal in so long.

  It was late on a rainy night, Kim’s last week at home before she had to go back to work, when Judith’s screams woke her up. She knew at once why and knew that she needed to be calm when she stepped outside her room. Just as she opened the door to her room, she glanced at the wall clock in the living room. The florescent dial glowed 2:10 a.m.

  When she came to her parents’ room, the nurse was giving instructions over the phone, and her mom was trying hard to suppress her screams with the palms of her hands. Judith saw Kim and rushed to her, saying, “He wasn’t moving Kim. I got up to check on him and he wasn’t moving.”

  Judith’s face was paper-white as if she had seen a ghost. She was still screaming on top of her voice. Kim hugged her mom and took her to the living room and made her sit. Coming back to her parents’ room, she asked the nurse what was happening. “There is a pulse but we need to get him to the hospital immediately. I have called the hospital and they have sent an ambulance. It should be here any minute. You won’t be allowed in the ambulance but we’ll leave at once.”

  Kim went back to her room and put on her jeans and a T-shirt. She grabbed her handbag and mobile phone and called Dave. “Dave, it’s happening,” was all she said in a rather calm voice, as if devoid of any emotion.

  “Will see you at the hospital,” Dave said and disconnected the phone.

  A few minutes later, they were all at the hospital. Judith refused to sit and paced up and down the hallway till the doctor came out. Somehow, they knew what was coming. “It’s only a matter of hours. You can go in.”

  Kim looked at Dave, and like always, he could read her mind. “Stay strong,” he whispered, looking straight into her eyes, and then kissed her forehead. Then Kim followed Judith into the room.

  Richard was barely conscious. There was a flicker of some movement on his face and he managed to open his eyes. Kim held his hand and sat beside him on his bed while Judith lowered herself slowly on the small stool next to it. There was absolute silence in which Richard and Judith just kept on looking at each other. That was their thing, Kim knew. They could just look at each other and know what the other felt.

  Eventually, Judith looked at her and took Richard’s hand from hers. She leaned toward Richard and whispered, “We'll be fine.” She kissed him softly.

  And then they waited.

  ***

  After a little over an hour, Kim and Judith came out of the room. Judith was a mess, barely able to stand. Dave rushed towards them and tried to help them. Once
he managed to get Judith down to sit, he got moving. The nurses were already working to move Richard's body and he proceeded to do the paperwork. He made a few calls at the same time, just as Bill, Cheryl and Beth walked in. They immediately went to Kim and Judith.

  “Kim, I am so sorry,” said Cheryl and hugged Kim. Then Beth did the same. But Kim just went through the motions without showing any emotions. She looked distant as if she were physically detached. For a moment, she looked at Dave, but then again moved her gaze away, and resumed staring at nothing in particular. The lack of emotions began to worry everyone.

  Everyone sat down with Judith and held her hands, but they couldn't get themselves to say anything. What do you say to a woman who has just lost her husband?

  Dave saw the spectacle while still on call. He saw Bill walking up to him. He ended the call by saying, “Yes, I’ll wait for your confirmation,” and then turned to Bill. “You take the girls home,” he said quickly. “I am not sure if they’d want to eat anything but keep asking. Tell Cheryl and Beth to make sure that they get some fluids as often as possible.” He paused and looked at Kim and then back to Bill. “I have called Kim's uncle in Canada, the one in Thompson and he will inform the relatives and take care of the funeral details. They will be confirming their flight details in a few hours. We’ll need to put them up in hotels.”

  Dave went on giving Bill the details of how, what, and when things were to be done. Fifteen minutes later, he came down to the parking lot and saw the girls were helping Judith get into the car. He called out to Kim.

  “Kim!” he said softly when he came up to her, and held her at arm’s length by her shoulders. That was what Kim needed. His concerned touch opened the floodgates in an instant, as she broke down and fell to her knees.

  Looking at this, Bill and Cheryl came running to her. “Beth, help me get her into my car,” said Dave, and as he helped her up and opened the door to sit her down. “You guys go ahead with Judith. Kim and I will follow.”

  They all got into the cars and started towards Kim’s house which was about 15 minutes from the hospital. When they got onto the highway, Kim started to get a grip on herself and control her tears. She whispered under the sobs, “We knew it was coming. I had prepared myself for this. Then why is it so hard?” she was looking down at her phone, fidgeting with it. Dave looked at her and held her hands.

  “He needed to go, Kim; he had suffered far too long.” said Dave as he pulled the car to the side and halted but kept the engine running as if the silence would have been too much to bear. Then he turned towards Kim, cupped her face in his hands, and that action forced her to look up at him, straight into his eyes. “We’ll get past this, Kim,” he told her. “We’ll get through this together. But for now, you have to be the one to support your mom and Sam. You have to help them cope with this. You have to be strong for them. One more time, you have to be strong for them.”

  Then, he unbuckled the seatbelt and pulled her closer to him, hugging her tightly. Kim let out a sigh and pulled herself together, wiping her tears with the back of her sleeves. Dave put the car in drive and sped off. He caught up with Bill just as they reached the parking lot of their house. “Call Sam and arrange for her to come back home,” he instructed him.

  CHAPTER 8

  It does not matter how much time you have to prepare for the death of a loved one, for it is never enough. Death will envelope you in its cloak of emptiness. The Noyes household had had their share of predicaments but they had always stuck together and worked through them all. But today, they grieved in their separate corners of the house.

  Kim had never seen her mother so shattered. Despite her mental state, she saw how her mother was being taken care of Anne, who had become almost a sister to her in this time. Anne genuinely seemed to feel some of the grief, and she made sure the girls were cared for. Outside, Keith and Dave took care of everything else.

  When Kim finally managed to get a grip on herself and decided she needed to leave.

  “I’ve booked my tickets for this Saturday. I have my reporting on Sunday evening,” Kim announced at the dinner table after the relatives had left and Judith, Kim, and Sam were left to deal with their grief without someone constantly hovering over them. Their caring was probably genuine, but it was also a reminder of how things would be difficult now. A few of the family members didn’t miss any opportunity to rub it into Kim’s face that these were the disadvantages of marrying young and to an older man. Even though her mother was pale as a sheet with eyes like glass, that didn’t dither the women of the family and even some men from passing judgments, especially Ela, Judith’s maternal cousin, who had a knack of being unpleasant every time she spoke.

  “Why do you still want to stay here and not go back to Canada?” Ela asked once.

  These were the kinds of comments that Judith wanted to stay away from, and that was the reason why she had worked hard to build a life away from people who had done nothing but criticized her choices. Judith had had enough of these things.

  So when Kim announced she was leaving, Judith didn’t say anything. Kim expected her to say something about quitting her job and staying with the family, but evidently her mother was too grief-stricken or had no energy to pursue that argument. That was a conversation that would have required Judith every last ounce of her energy. And anyway, probably her mother had finally understood that the argument would be futile. She had made up her mind after all; there was nothing that could shake her from her decision.

  ***

  The months that followed Richard’s death were tough on everyone, but now they seemed to have found a new routine, a routine that did not involve hospital rounds, medical assistants visiting home, the constant worry of paying medical bills, and the fear — the constant fear — of Richard’s death. Everyone had gone back to their lives. Sam was back at school, Judith immersed herself in her work and, even though she was not required to work two jobs any more, she still did as that didn’t give her any time to think of going back home at the end of the day to an empty house and no Richard. And Kim was back to flying.

  For Kim, the time was as difficult as it is for any young girl who is close to their father. A part of her felt guilty that everything was going back to normal. Is it so easy to get over Dad? She felt very upset every time she did something normal, and that guilt turned into frustration, and usually it was Dave who had to deal with it. And he did. He was ever so patient with her erratic behavior and mood-swings. He understood them and her. He knew just how she felt, the feeling of not wanting to stop grieving as yet, of not accepting that their heart was done grieving. He knew all about those thoughts and feelings having lost his own parents very early in life, something he never liked to talk about. So he gave Kim time, time to accept that it was okay to be normal and she did, to an extent she did.

  Even though going back home reminded her of Richard and the feeling of betraying her father by not being sad any more haunted her, Kim still made it a point to visit Judith as often as she could.

  On one such visit, Judith announced over dinner, “I want to be with both my girls now.” Though the words were spoken calmly, Kim could sense the chaos hidden underneath. “Kim, I won't pressure you,” she continued, “but I want you to know that I could really do with having both you and Sam home now. There is no reason why we should be scattered when we should be with each other. Think about it.”

  Kim looked at her mom and realized for the first time that she had lost a lot of weight, almost to the point of being frail. She knew she needed to be back home. Even though she was enjoying her job as a cabin crew with its many perks, she had gotten as much as she could out of it, and now wanted to come back home.

  “Hi!” said Kim when Dave answered her call.

  “All good? You sound low.” Dave turned in his chair in office where he was working late. He had been too Kim’s place earlier and knew well enough that he would be getting a call tonight.

  “I don’t know. I mean everything is fine. But i
t’s not the same.” A silence fell between them as Kim gathered her thoughts on what and how much she was going to share with Dave.

  “I feel like a horrible person.” Kim got up from her bed and started pacing her room.

  “Kim.” Dave encouraged her to continue knowing very well that if it was not today, Kim would continue to keep whatever she is feeling bottled up within her.

  “I never wanted to hurt Ma or Dad. But I did, I did every time things didn’t go as I had planned.” A sad little chuckle escaped her throat, “which was so often. But I also failed to see what was good. I was never thankful. And now Dad is gone, and Ma… did you see her today? She looks so frail. Did I do this to her?”

  “No Kim, this is not on you. And don’t beat yourself over things.” Dave sat up in his chair and continued, “The situation you were in, Kim, it wasn’t an easy thing to do. And you did what was right. You helped with what you could. You were still a teenager Kim and you were dealing with things way beyond your emotional capabilities.

  “Then why do I feel so horrible?” Kim asked. The question was more for herself than for Dave but he still answered, “because in situations like this no matter how much you do, it is never enough. But what you have to remember is that Richard loved you and Judith loves you.” Her paused for a minute giving Kim to take in what he had just said before continuing, “Kim, you did fine. Look forward to what you can do now.”

  “I am moving back.”

  “Yes, you are moving back.” He echoed softly almost in relief that Kim had decided to come back home.

  Kim disconnected the phone and crawled into bed, but her mind was racing.

  It wasn’t her job or the fact that she was going to move back home. It was Dave! Over the past year or so that she had been with him, she had never really given him or their relationship much thought, not until Judith and Richard had explicitly told her about their disapproval of their relationship. Dave had come into her life at the time when she had to take on the responsibilities for which she was not prepared, and she felt lost and weighed down. It was as if she had been in autopilot mode when she had first met Dave. He had just fitted into her life so easily that she hadn’t even realized when he had become such an important part of her. She had never thought much about what he had meant to her, but he was important. He had supported her in every decision she took. She couldn’t help but smile in fondness to the thoughts of him, and then the unexpected hit her.