Alas My Love

by Tracie Peterson

“But you are no child now, neither does he see you as a child. I know the heart of men, and I know that man better than most. He cares deeply for you, Helena. If this is a matter of him not having a title or lands of his own—”

  “His title, or lack of one, does not matter,” Helena interrupted indignantly. “I care little for such things. I would live in a hovel with him were I only able to be his wife.”

  “Then why leave? The duke has bid you stay as long as you desire. Tancred and His Grace hope to resolve the death of their parents, but that may take some time. I no longer object to you marrying Tancred.”

  Helena put her hands to her head as if to stop the pounding against her temples. “Cease!” she demanded. “I cannot bear this much longer. I want to go home. It matters not why. Will you take me on the morrow?” She dropped her hands and reached out to Roger with pleading in her eyes. “Please.”

  Roger nodded. “If that is your desire.”

  “ ’Tis not a matter of desire,” Helena whispered, desperately close to tears. “ ’Tis what must be done.”

  Roger stepped forward to put an arm around Helena, but before he could do so, Maude’s voice sounded from behind them.

  “Yea, ’tis what must be done.”

  Helena drew closer to Roger. She glanced up to find him frowning, then dropped her gaze to the floor. There was no way she could explain it to him. Maude knew full well the reasoning behind her sudden declaration to return home, but Helena knew she’d say nothing.

  “What causes you to skulk about the halls like a rat in feeding? Are you feasting upon our private words, Maude?” Roger demanded.

  “Some privacy,” Maude retorted and drew closer. “I heard you to my room.”

  “Still, it was not your concern.” Roger’s mind went back to his earlier suspicions about his sister. Somehow, seeing her made his thoughts take a bit more validity. Roger’s arm went protectively around Helena’s shoulders. For once, he was not going to allow Maude to bully the younger woman.

  “I heard her say she wants to go home. I believe this most beneficial to all concerned. With the facts before us and Tancred cleared of wrongdoings, I desire to resume our friendship. I can scarce do that with the child in my way, now can I?”

  Roger laughed. “Tancred would not notice you if Helena were removed to the Holy Lands.”

  “How caustic your words are, dear brother,” Maude said, straining to control her temper. She glared down at Helena and hated her even more. “Yours is but a childish fascination. What existed between Tancred and myself is something far more real.”

  Helena said nothing. She could not very well defend herself and plead with Roger to keep his word and return her to his estate. Maude’s murderous threats continued to haunt her. Maude would no doubt poison Tancred’s drink or food if Helena refused to leave Gavenshire.

  “Mayhaps she is right, Roger. Either way, I will be ready in the morning.” Helena eased herself away from Roger and stepped toward her bedchamber door. Her heart was sickened at the thought of giving her beloved Tanny over to Maude. “Please, put the matter to rest,” she whispered before hurrying into her room and securing the door. Once there, Helena gave into heart-wrenching sobs that did not cease until well into the night.

  Morning came too soon for Helena. She had tossed about the large bed throughout the night and had found no peace. How could she leave him when she’d only just found him? How could she allow him to believe that she no longer cared, when her heart was near to bursting for all the love she felt for him?

  Getting up and washing her face, Helena no longer cared what happened. She knew that Roger was a changed man, and for that she was grateful. She had seen the softening in his eyes and known in his voice a gentleness that had been missing for eleven years. He would not hit her again. In fact, he would probably hurry to see Maude married off, even to Tancred, and allow Helena to stay at home and care for him until he found a wife. After that, Helena sighed, after that she would go to the convent. What purpose would there be to fight that move if Tanny were already married and beyond her grasp?

  Without waiting for assistance, Helena found the burgundy surcoat she’d worn on her arrival to Gavenshire. It was patched and stained, a poor companion to the grand and beautiful things Arianne had made for her, but it belonged to Helena and she would leave with nothing more. Pulling it on in the dim light of dawn, Helena could scarcely keep from crying anew.

  When she stepped into the hall, Helena half expected Maude to be waiting. When she found that Maude was nowhere in sight, relief washed over her. It would be hard enough to leave without having to face Maude again. Helena’s most fervent prayer was that she could somehow escape speaking with Tancred, as well.

  “What would I say?” she muttered to herself. How could she declare her love one day and callously take it back the next? He would see her as deceitful and wicked, and there would be nothing Helena could say to keep him from such opinions. His anger, even hatred, might make her departure easier, Helena thought. But then, she truly doubted that anything would help.

  She came upon Roger, who was talking with a stunned-faced Arianne. Richard was at her side and looked up first to spy Helena.

  Arianne turned and, recognizing Helena, rushed to her side. “Is it true that you asked your brother to take you home?”

  “Aye,” Helena whispered. “ ’Tis what I desire, Your Grace. He did not force me into this.”

  “But you told me only yesterday—”

  Helena held up her hand. “I know, but ’tis different now.”

  The chapel bell began to peal, calling the castle to services, and Helena relished the excuse to hasten away before anyone could question her further.

  Tancred came upon his brother and a teary-eyed Arianne. He was so taken aback by Arianne’s tears, that he instantly scowled. “Is something amiss?” he asked Richard.

  “Aye, ’tis a matter most disturbing,” Richard replied in a hushed tone as they walked on toward the chapel.

  “Why does she weep?” he asked, leaning in close to his brother’s bearded face.

  “Helena told us she’s leaving with Roger. They plan to depart after we break the fast.”

  “What?” Tancred’s voice rose and Arianne’s head shot up.

  “ ’Tis true enough. She claims Talbot has not forced the matter, but that it is her desire to go.” Arianne’s words were hardly more than whispers.

  “I don’t believe it,” Tancred stated. “I cannot believe she’d leave without word to me.”

  Richard shrugged. “Perhaps you are the only one who can learn the truth.”

  “I will learn the truth,” Tancred replied between clenched teeth. “I swear it.”

  Tancred saw Helena flee the chapel as soon as the service was over. He stalked after her with determined steps and never noticed the look of dissatisfaction on Maude’s face at his actions. Helena could not leave him now. He loved her, and though he could not declare it and ask for her hand in marriage, he was determined that she know the extent of his feelings. He would insist she wait for him. Wait at least until the matter of his parents’ death was cleared. Then, if need be, he’d beg Richard for a home at Gavenshire and take Helena as his wife.

  Reaching back to childhood instincts, Helena fled to the mews where the hooded falcons were kept. She had loved to venture to just such a place as a child and now it offered her a comfort of sorts. She leaned hard against the far-end wall and buried her face in her hands. Would the tears never dry up? She had cried bucketfuls in the night, and her face was red and her eyes swollen from the tirade. But still, she cried.

  “Oh, Tanny,” she moaned his name softly through her sobs. “Tanny.”

  “I am here,” he said softly. Startled, she looked up and saw that he had followed her into the mews.

  “No,” she said and cried all that much ha
rder. She couldn’t look at him or the truth might come from her lips. She couldn’t let him know her fear or the circumstances that drove her away.

  Tancred pulled her shaking form against his body and held her firmly. Helena pushed away from him, but he’d have no part of it and drew her that much tighter against him.

  “Why are you leaving me?” He whispered the question against her ear.

  Words refused to form. Helena fell limp against him and cried. She drenched his chest with tears until the surcoat was wet and uncomfortable against her cheek. Tancred waited patiently, stroking her face gently.

  “Why are you leaving me?”

  Chapter 17

  Roger was desperate to find Helena. He’d seen her fearful glances at Maude and could well imagine that the older woman had threatened and browbeaten the younger into submission. Why had he tolerated it all those years? Helena had never been anything but joy to him. Sadly enough, a joy he had denied himself when his heart had hardened against Tancred.

  Following the path he’d seen her take, Roger came into the mews and found Tancred holding the weeping Helena.

  “Is she ill?” he questioned.

  “I am uncertain as to what ails her. I found her here weeping, calling my name, and yet she refuses to speak to me.”

  “Helena, stop up the flow and speak to me,” Roger demanded.

  Helena lifted her face and turned her red, swollen eyes to meet Roger’s gaze. She drew a ragged breath but still could not speak. Shaking her head dispiritedly, she buried her face in her hands.

  “What is this about?” Roger asked more gently. “Please tell me. I promise I am not the man I was before. I will listen and understand.”

  “I cannot speak of it,” Helena managed to croak out between sobs.

  “Pray tell, why not?” It was Tancred’s turn to ask questions. “I have patiently waited for you to put your tears aside and talk to me, and now you say you cannot speak of it? Am I not worthy of an explanation?” Helena looked back to Tancred and knew she was lost.

  “Oh, my love,” she whispered, “you deserve more than simple words.”

  “I will happily settle for them alone,” Tancred replied with the barest hint of a smile. “Later, however, I might well extract a heavier payment.”

  Helena shook her head. “I have endangered you. Perhaps you as well, Roger. Please ask nothing more of me. I cannot speak of it!” She pushed away from Tancred and turned to leave, but neither man would hear of it, and each took hold of a slender arm.

  “You are no longer a child, Helena.” Roger’s voice was stern, yet loving. “I insist you bear the truth to me. I will protect you from whatever you fear.” Helena looked up and met his gaze.

  “As will I,” Tancred promised.

  She turned from Roger’s face to Tancred’s. Both men were so hopeful in their desire to help her, but memories of Maude loomed in her mind and spoiled the scene.

  “Nay!” Helena shook her head violently. “You cannot take my punishment this time.” She ripped away from their hold and put several paces between them before turning. “ ’Tis true enough I am no longer a child. In matters such as these, the stakes are much higher and I do not merit a child’s punishment. Nay!” She choked back a harsh, near hysterical laugh and held up a hand to Tancred’s advancing form. “ ’Twill be no simple denial of supper or extra hour of housecleaning. ’Tis now a matter of life and death and I will not be the one to cause bloodshed.”

  “What are you saying, Helena?” Tancred’s voice was soft, yet demanding. “Whose blood is to shed?” He took another step.

  “Never mind.” She struggled to calm her nerves.

  Tancred again moved forward. “Helena, whose blood?”

  “I’ve said too much.”

  “Nay, you have said too little. Whose blood is to be shed?” He was only inches away from her now.

  “Yours!” Helena exclaimed, then put her hand to her mouth. Her eyes grew wide with shock at the word she’d spoken. There was no taking it back, and she knew Roger and Tancred well enough to know that this simple announcement would not go unquestioned.

  Roger saved her the moment of dilemma. “Maude.” He stated the simple word, knowing full well that his guess was accurate.

  Helena dropped her hands and stared in wonder at her stepbrother. “I. . . But how. . . ?” She couldn’t answer.

  “I thought as much.” Roger’s eyes narrowed in anger. “You will sit down and tell us all.”

  “But I cannot,” Helena said, shifting her gaze from Roger to the face of her beloved Tanny.

  “You will do as you are told,” Tancred said, taking the falconer’s stool and pulling Helena to his lap. “I believe we used to resolve problems just like this when you were but a child. Shall we play one of our guessing games and learn of your dark secrets?”

  Helena was appalled at the amusement in Tancred’s voice.

  “ ’Tis no matter of games. She means to wed you or—”

  “Or kill me?” Tancred threw back his head and roared. “She was always one to weave tangled webs. Think not much of it, nor trouble your heart on that one.”

  “She killed my mother!” Helena exclaimed and tears came again to her eyes.

  “What say you?” Roger stepped closer. “Can this be true?”

  Helena’s trembling shoulders slumped against the security of Tancred’s arms. She gave only a brief nod before giving way to her sorrow.

  “But how?”

  “Poison,” Helena finally admitted. “Oh, can you not see? My mother was a thorn in Maude’s side. Mother did nothing but offer her love, and Maude cast it aside as though it were tainted. She blamed my mother and me for all of her hurts and miseries.” Helena’s trembling voice had steadied as she reached her real concern. “She tired of my mother’s interference and poisoned her. She’ll do the same to all of us, but especially to my,” she paused, “to you, Tanny.”

  He smiled and slipped his warm fingers under her chin. “Maude is no threat to me, except that she divide us apart. I cannot cast off the devotion of one so dear and true in fear that one so evil and false would see me dead.”

  “Do not trifle with Maude. She is evil, Tanny,” Helena said, hoping that the seriousness of the matter would settle upon him.

  “Aye, I can vouch for that,” Roger agreed.

  “You are in as much danger as Tancred,” Helena said. “Is it not true that should you die, Maude will take control of the estate? After all, there are no male heirs and not one relative beyond you two who lay claim to your father’s blood.”

  “You are right, and the point is well taken. I had not considered Maude’s limitless treachery. The matter is such that we must work together and lay a trap for this beast.”

  “But how? If I do not leave within the hour, Maude will know that something is amiss.”

  “I will state that our journey is to be delayed by a day. That should give Tancred and me plenty of time to set our plans into action.”

  Helena dried her eyes with the back of her well-worn tunic sleeve. “I cannot let you risk your lives. I haven’t the heart for such matters, nor the faith.”

  “What say ye—this great woman of faith, who knew no fear of the years or miles that separated her from the love of her heart? Faith is all that we do have.” Tancred stroked her cheek fondly. “Without faith, we are lost.”

  “Yet let us be up and about putting faith into action,” Roger interrupted. “Were you not telling me of your great philosopher and his mind toward reason?” Roger smiled conspiratorially at Tancred.

  “Aye, ’tis true enough. Faith and reason. The two walk as friends, hand in hand. Ye cannot be a man of faith without putting that faith to the test. And testing your faith oft pushes a man to great depths of reasoning. Still, ’tis God’s reasons and faith in
Him that lead us forward.”

  “I do not understand,” Helena said, looking defensively from Tancred to Roger.

  “Be of courage, Helena. That is enough of a task for you,” Roger reassured. “Tancred and I can manage Maude.”

  Roger and Helena entered the great hall together. Helena was notably subdued and kept her head down to avoid meeting Maude’s stare. Maude was already seated, impatiently awaiting the formal announcement that she’d anticipated since the night before, while Arianne and Richard shared intimate conversation with Tancred.

  The priest offered a blessing on the food and the fast was broken with warm bread and porridge. Helena had no stomach for the food. In her mind she kept imagining the death of her mother. Food had been the bearer of Maude’s misdeeds, and as she thought of it, Helena choked on her porridge.

  Coughing quietly into her linen napkin, Helena felt Arianne’s reassuring hand on her arm. She glanced up to meet warm brown eyes that sympathetically assured her that all was well. The slightest smile touched Arianne’s lips and then faded as the duchess turned to receive a question from one of the serving boys.

  Devon had been called away, so Roger took the seat beside Helena. How very different a matter of days has made, she thought. It was once a terrifying thought to have Roger so near, and yet now Roger offers immense comfort.

  “I am afraid I must plead the duke’s indulgence,” Roger announced amidst the table conversation.

  “By my leave,” Richard replied, playing out his part.

  Helena realized instantly that Richard and Arianne were well aware of their roles. It was the reason for Arianne’s smile and for Richard’s calm, deliberate manner. Helena wished she had some of the duke’s calm assurance. The butterflies in her stomach refused to settle, even as Roger continued with his announcement.

  “With your permission, Sire,” he began, “my sister, Lady Helena, and I will be departing for our lands.”

  “I beg you, no!” Richard said in a voice that hinted surprise. “My wife has come to greatly depend on your sister. Might you reconsider?”