Alas My Love

by Tracie Peterson

  “I wish it could be so, Your Grace, but there is much amiss in my land. Only this morn, I had word of a border dispute. I must return.”

  “Aye, ’twould be for the sake of your people and land. I see the need, still, could Lady Helena not stay on? We have extended a home to her as long as she desires one.”

  “Aye,” Arianne joined in, turning to Helena. “You are most welcome here. Timothy will scarce know how to fall asleep without your angelic song.”

  Helena smiled sadly. She was still uncertain of her own part, and for all the lives that hinged on her reactions, she was uncomfortable with the plan. “I must go,” was all she managed to say.

  Arianne knew the younger woman’s distress and hurried to move the conversation on. “I will have Matilda see to your packing.”

  “Nay,” Roger said with raised hand. “My sister has requested that those generous garments be left in your care.”

  Arianne said nothing more, and Richard picked up the conversation. “You will certainly require provisions, and with two women, you will require an escort.”

  “I beg Your Graces’ indulgence,” Maude interjected. “I should plead upon your mercy and ask that I might be allowed to remain behind. I fear I am not up to the long journey and request a few more days of respite.”

  “Of course,” Richard replied after a quick, reassuring glance at his wife. “You are most welcome to stay with us.”

  “Thank you, Your Grace.” Maude bowed her head in feigned humility.

  “That still leaves you with Lady Helena’s safety in mind,” Richard continued.

  “ ’Tis no problem, Brother,” Tancred nearly roared. It was the cue he had waited for. “I would like very much to accompany Sir Roger and Lady Helena. Upon a time, their home was my own. It would give me great pleasure to once again view it. That is, should Sir Roger and his sister be in agreement with this idea.”

  “ ’Twould be my delight,” Roger exclaimed as though hearing the idea for the firs time. “I pledge you shelter and comfort for as long as you desire.”

  Maude’s head snapped up at this new development. Helena noted her disgust but continued quietly picking at a piece of bread, while Roger and Tancred played out the scene.

  “By my brother’s leave, I could take several of his men and accompany you,” Tancred announced.

  “It would be greatly appreciated,” Roger replied, and both he and Tancred turned to Richard for confirmation.

  “A splendid idea!” Richard’s words were given in such positive affirmation that Helena nearly laughed aloud. She barely controlled the smile that played at her lips, but when her gaze fell upon Maude’s pinched expression, Helena instantly sobered.

  “ ’Tis settled then,” Tancred said after taking a long drink from his mug. “I will prepare as soon as we adjourn.”

  “Nay,” Richard said thoughtfully. “I would ask that you spend yet another night in my care. I have need for my men until the morrow. Would another day matter, Sir Roger?”

  Roger looked down at Helena. “Would the morrow be soon enough, my sister?”

  Helena nodded nervously. She was twisting the dark burgundy velvet of her surcoat. “Whatever His Grace wills.”

  Roger added his confirmation. “We are your humble servants.”

  Everyone at the duke’s table could clearly see Maude’s irritation. She tore at her bread and crashed her cup around as though she were trying to stave off vermin.

  Conversation carried them through the rest of the meal, and though nothing more was said of the Talbot departure, Helena was certain that Maude contemplated her revenge. Helena knew that her stepsister would find a way to blame her for these developments. Of course, in this case, she would have reason to do so, but Helena would give her no satisfaction in knowing that.

  When breakfast was completed, Roger helped Helena from her chair and Richard did the same for Arianne. Servants hurried around the room to clean up the mess, while everyone else flooded into the various parts of the castle and grounds to begin their day.

  The duke immediately caught Roger’s attention, leaving Helena momentarily wondering what she should do with herself.

  “Please say you will come and sing for Timothy,” Arianne said, with a hopeful smile.

  “Of course, Your Grace,” Helena replied. “ ’Twould be my honor.”

  “I shall miss your voice when you are gone from this place.” Arianne’s words were genuine and heartfelt. “I have enjoyed not only your songs, but the words we have shared in conversation. I have no sister, and so I have but glimpsed the delights of one through our friendship.”

  “Sisterly delights are overly credited,” Maude said in a haughty tone from across the table. “ ’Tis well enough to share company as grown women, but as children,” she paused with a meaningful glare at her stepsister, “the matter can be quite different.”

  Arianne gave a brief lyrical laugh. “I would well imagine it to be so. I was not without sibling. My brother, Devon, was my fondest companion, at least while I was at home.”

  “Then he must know well how little sisters can play cruel jokes and spy out from their lairs. ’Tis mostly mischief and mean-spirited games that young ones have to offer.”

  “I cannot call you false, Lady Talbot,” Tancred interrupted, “but neither can I imagine either Lady Helena or the duchess as mean-spirited. ’Twould be impossible for a cruel word to pass from either of those sweet mouths.”

  Helena wanted to laugh, but the sight of Maude clenching her velvet surcoat in her balled fists kept her from uttering a peep. Instead she allowed Arianne to take hold of her arm and lead her from the room.

  At the stairs, Arianne paused and turned to find Maude scowling. “You are welcome to come with us, Lady Talbot.”

  But Maude had already sent a serving girl to retrieve her cloak and shook her head to reject the offer. “I am afraid I require a bit of fresh air. My condition is not so that I would feel comfortable with the child.”

  “Very well,” Arianne replied sweetly. “But surely you will come and see your nephew, Tancred?” Helena stared at Arianne’s suggestion, and Maude turned red in anger. There would be no way for her to take back the declined invitation should Tancred accept.

  “I would be most honored to hear Lady Helena sing. Seeing my nephew would be a fond way to pass the hour, as well.” Tancred joined them at the stairs. He offered his arm to Arianne, who simply shook her head and nodded to Helena.

  “I would not presume to interfere,” she said with a grin.

  “Nor would I presume to contradict the duchess of the land,” Tancred said, flashing a charming smile at his sister-in-law.

  Helena felt it was wrong to goad Maude, but a part of her delighted in the obvious attention. Arianne had made it perfectly acceptable for her and Tanny to spend time together, and Helena was not going to do a simple thing to discourage it. She turned to Tancred from the gray stone step above him. From here they were nearly eye level with each other, and Helena found the moment quite moving. Tancred put out his hand, and Helena touched her fingertips to his. For a moment neither one did anything more. It was as if the rest of the world had completely forsaken them.

  Tancred’s harsh face softened as his dark eyes drank their fill of Helena. She felt a blush warm her cheek and her heart beat faster. How she loved this man! Melodies welled up from within her soul, and Helena felt as though she might burst into song at any moment.

  “And what will you sing for us, sweet Helena?” Tancred breathed the question in a hushed whisper, almost as if he had read her mind.

  Helena smiled and spoke in an almost seductive way. “Mayhaps I shall sing a long song.” Her eyes twinkled mischievously. “But only if I am so inspired.”

  Tancred stared at her quite blank-faced, but his eyes sparkled in amusement. “Of course. Let us pra
y it is so.”

  They hurried up the stairs together, neither one noticing the cloaked form that stood in the shadows below. Maude’s brooding glare followed them from behind the hood of her cape.

  “I warned you, Helena,” she murmured, but there was no one to hear her, nor to understand the danger Maude had come to represent.

  Chapter 18

  In the duchess’s private solar, they gathered with Timothy. The baby cooed and gurgled his approval of the new company, and when Arianne handed him to Tancred, Helena laughed aloud at the expression on his face.

  “He will not break,” Arianne said with a smirk, while Tancred held Timothy stiffly. The look on his face said it all. “Do not tell me the great fearless lord of the land who came last year to best my husband now trembles before his son?”

  Helena giggled, then cupped her hand to her mouth at Tancred’s look of mock disgust.

  “I thought you loyal to me,” he said sternly, then softened the words with a wink.

  “To find another as loyal as this one,” Arianne said, taking a seat, “would be quite impossible.” She watched her brother-in-law in his discomfort. “By my leave, Tancred, please sit down.”

  He did so in a manner that caused him to move as little as possible from the waist up. Helena could not refrain from laughing out loud.

  “I heard that snickering and will deal with it later.”

  “Forget not, I am under the duke’s protection,” Helena said in a singsong voice. “Harm me and deal with him.”

  “Aye,” Arianne acknowledged conspiratorially. “My husband would be far from tolerant.”

  “Cease your prattle!” Tancred said in a voice louder than he’d intended. This sudden sternness caused Timothy to pucker his face. Tears filled the baby’s eyes, and soon he was wailing loud enough to bring down the walls.

  Helena reached out and took the baby when Arianne sat back and watched in amused anticipation. Tancred was relieved to be rid of the squalling infant. He had little experience with babies. The frailty and tininess of them only served to make him feel cumbersome and awkward. Helena, he noted, was quite at ease with her charge. She began to sing to him with such love and gentleness that the infant instantly calmed.

  “I will surely miss her ways with Timothy,” Arianne said softly. “She has been a wonder and pleasure to have in our care.”

  “I can see why,” Tancred said with a smile. He could well see in his mind’s eye a home of his own and Helena singing to his son or daughter. What man wouldn’t count himself blessed to make that vision an actuality?

  Helena stopped singing and smiled over her shoulder. “He is the pleasure. I have been healed of my mother’s passing while caring for this one.”

  “I never thought of it being a benefit to you,” Arianne confessed. “I was so pleased to have your companionship that I began to fear ’twas selfishness on my part.”

  “Never fear it to be so.” Helena brought Timothy back, and before Tancred could protest, she placed the baby in his arms. “I love children and I want an estate filled with them, or,” she paused, “even a hovelful. It matters naught, so long as they are loved and made to feel wanted. The place, the wealth, the manner of life, none of it be as important as love.”

  “Love will not fill an empty belly,” Tancred said, meeting her meaningful gaze. He was well aware of what she was saying to him.

  “Perhaps not, but love will sustain a person through all forms of torture and heartache. I know this full well and will listen to no other on the matter.”

  Arianne grinned at her brother-in-law, who was now relaxing a bit with Timothy. “It would seem you are bested in this matter. I suggest a compromise.”

  “And what might that be?” asked Tancred with a grin.

  “Marry the wench,” Arianne said in a low-bred manner.

  Helena blushed at Arianne’s boldness, while Tancred sobered considerably. “ ’Tis not a matter that I may yet address.”

  Helena said nothing. Perhaps Tanny had no interest in ever marrying her. Would he do the one thing Roger had accused him of with Maude? Would he dally with her feelings and leave her to face life with a broken heart? Nay, that could never be.

  Arianne was the one who spoke, and again the conversation played itself out as though Helena were absent from the room. “Pray tell, why not? Is her love not true enough?” the duchess questioned with the slightest hint of sarcasm in her voice.

  “You know very well that is not the case.”

  “Then what? She has offered you a life of devotion. Should it seem so strange that you might take her hand in marriage?”

  Tancred’s voice took on a tone that warned the women he was not pleased with the turn of this conversation. “ ’Tis not a matter we should attend to at this time.”

  Timothy again found his uncle’s voice overbearing and began to cry. Arianne took this as the perfect reason to excuse herself and got to her feet. “My son is hungry. I will take him to my chamber where we might rest. Feel free to reason this out together.” Her words were spoken as a hopeful suggestion.

  “There is little here that may be discussed,” Tancred replied, handing the baby to Arianne. “I will, however, endeavor to clear what you have muddied.” He wasn’t truly angry at Arianne, and he relayed that fact with his eyes. The matter did need to be addressed, in spite of his desire to avoid it.

  Helena watched as Arianne took Timothy and left the room. Her heart was in her throat, and she wanted to avoid Tancred’s eyes as he got to his feet and crossed the room to where she stood.

  “I am sorry if I have distressed you,” he began. “ ’Tis not my desire to do you harm.” He fell silent, wondering how his words would be received. “I have wanted to speak with you on this matter. Come, sit down and I will try to explain.”

  Helena allowed him to take her hand in his. It was warm and comforting to feel his large fingers close around her smaller ones. She wanted so badly to throw herself into his arms and plead with him to flee with her before Maude could do more harm, but somehow she knew the words to come had little to do with Maude.

  Sitting, Tancred stared at her for a moment. Helena met his stare uneasily, and she fought to keep tears from forming in her eyes.

  “Helena, might I be forthright with you?”

  “Of course,” she replied, fear creeping in to sour her tone.

  Tancred eased back against the chair and chose his words. “I am a pardoned man, that much is true. The king realized that I am not the one to blame for my parents’ death, but the matter is not resolved.” Helena nodded so he would continue. “The fact is,” Tancred paused and looked at her intently, “until my name is truly cleared, I cannot even call it my own. It still bears the blood of those I loved.”

  “Tanny, you know it matters naught to me.” Her voice was soft. “I don’t care what the whole of England thinks, I love you and always will.”

  “But it matters to me!” Tancred bellowed. He frowned intently at his manner. “I beg your forgiveness, but I am not a man of gentleness.”

  Helena smiled, and though she wanted to avoid anything he might perceive as confrontational, she shook her head. “You are wrong, my love. You are a very gentle man. Tanny, the past has left its mark on both of us, but it needn’t bury us as well.”

  “I have nothing to offer anyone, much less a wife. I cannot put my burden upon the shoulders of another. Especially one such as you.”

  “And what do you mean by that remark, Sire?” She was clearly offended.

  Tancred got to his feet and paced a few steps before turning back to face her. “You are a delicate blossom and should be cherished and preserved for all that is lovely and truly good in this life. I cannot give you those things, Helena. I cannot even give you my name, because I have no name. I have but the letters that form a word, and that word s
tands for nothing but pain and betrayal. Until I learn of the true murderer’s identity, I don’t even have my name to share.”

  “Bah! Purely talk of a man. Why say you this? Is a name so much more important than what dwells within your heart? Is God not the source of your light and life? Is that to be perceived as nothing?”

  “Nay, of course not,” Tancred’s voice sounded in frustration. “Listen to me, Helena. You pledge life and love to a person you know nothing about. I’ve given this much thought and believe that you have fallen in devotion of a man who no longer exists.”

  Helena took a deep breath. “You cannot return my love and so you look to put my love away from you? Is that your game?” Her heart was aching at the mere thought of such a thing.

  Tancred stared at her in confusion. He seemed to be trying to sort through the words. “You doubt I could care for you?”

  “It seems you doubt I could live with such caring.” Helena stood and crossed to Tancred. She did not reach out to touch him or even to offer him her hand. “You misjudge me, Sir. I am more durable than you can imagine. I leave you, however, to your decisions and choices. I cannot be false to myself. I cannot pledge ignorance of my heart. Be it well with you or not, I am offering my love and life.”

  She walked away from him, leaving Tancred stunned. How could he explain to her what he felt, knowing that he must ask her to wait—perhaps forever?

  Helena passed into the hall and lost her bravado. All of her courageousness was but an act, and here, alone, she could admit to herself that the outcome of their meeting left her frightened.

  Helena slipped into bed early. She hadn’t bothered to go down for supper, and when her chambermaid appeared with a tray of food, she’d sent the girl away without sampling a single morsel. Arianne had pleaded an audience with her, but Helena had begged her understanding and sent her away.

  Her heart was heavy with grief and worry. How could Tancred consider letting her go away from him? Had he not proclaimed his joy at their finding each other again?

  The wind picked up outside and made a howling sound against the window. The restless waters of the sea crashed against the rocky cliffs just beyond the castle estate and left little doubt in Helena’s mind that a storm was brewing.