The Baby Issue

by Jennifer Taylor

  She felt tears welling into her eyes when she heard the throbbing note in his voice. ‘Oh, Ben, I never wanted this to happen…’ she began brokenly.

  ‘Shh. If I don’t need to say anything, neither do you, sweetheart.’ His expression was tender. ‘I understand how you feel, Anna. Really I do. You don’t have to explain anything to me.’

  He drew her into his arms then and his mouth was so gentle when it found hers that she couldn’t find it in her heart to fight what was happening. She lifted her face towards him, shuddering when the first tender assault on her senses turned in the blink of an eye to something far more intense. There was a new hunger about the way Ben’s lips claimed hers now, an urgency to the way he drew her closer so that her body was pressed against the length of his.

  Anna gasped when she felt the physical evidence of his desire yet it wasn’t shock that she felt but a deep, burning need to respond. Ben wanted her and she—well, she wanted him just as much!

  He drew back abruptly and his eyes seemed to burn as he stared at her. ‘I want to make love to you, Anna. You know that, don’t you?’

  ‘Yes.’ Her voice was little more than a whisper, the husky sound of it sending a shiver pulsing through him, and she felt his hands contract on her arms.

  ‘It won’t harm the baby if we make love, but it’s your decision. I would never, ever do anything to hurt you.’ He smoothed his hand almost reverently down her body, following the full swell of her breasts, the curve of her belly, and this time it was she who shivered because the sensations his touch had aroused shocked her so much.

  Her eyes rose to his and she saw the understanding on his face even before she had tried to explain. ‘I never expected…never thought…’

  ‘That you would want to make love while you were pregnant?’ His lips were tender as they skimmed up her cheek, his voice vibrating with a desire which he made no attempt to hide. Anna shivered again when she heard the passion that coated each word.

  ‘Yes,’ she admitted shakily, unable to lie.

  ‘There are no rules in a situation like this, Anna,’ he whispered, dropping butterfly-soft kisses across the bridge of her nose. ‘So that means that we aren’t breaking any.’ He kissed her upper lip, then her bottom one, gently drawing it into his mouth, sighing when he heard her gasp. When his hands slid down her body again, she moaned out loud, unable to hide how the caress made her feel.

  Ben responded by drawing her even closer, his hand splayed at the small of her back as he held her against him and let the urgent throbbing of his body show her very graphically how he felt. ‘And there’s nobody in the world who can tell us that what we’re doing is wrong.’

  His mouth found hers again and she was lost the very instant she felt his lips closing over hers. She opened her mouth for him then, feeling the heady rush of pleasure that filled her as his tongue sought entry and mated with hers in a ritual as old as time, yet one that felt so new and fresh to her that it seemed to arouse all her senses.

  She clung to him as her legs threatened to give way, feeling the heat of his body flowing into hers, smelling the raw, male scent of him, tasting the passion they were creating together. When Ben swept her into his arms and carried her from the kitchen, she didn’t protest. Her head was no longer in control. It was her heart that was in charge now, her heart that was dictating what happened next, and she didn’t have the strength or the will-power to fight it.

  Ben set her down in the middle of the bedroom and just looked at her. ‘I thought you looked lovely the first time you wore that dress, but you look even more beautiful tonight.’

  He kissed her gently then slowly reached behind her and slid the zipper down. With infinite care he slipped the dress off her shoulders and let it fall to the floor.

  Anna stepped out of the pool of cloth, shivering when she saw the way he was looking at her as she stood there in the coffee-coloured silk slip that she wore beneath. Would he still find her attractive when she was completely undressed and he could see how the baby had made her body swell? The thought that he might be repulsed by how she looked made her heart turn over, but there was no time to reconsider what she was doing when he suddenly smiled at her.

  ‘Now your turn. How are you with buttons?’ He took hold of her hands and placed them on his chest, smiling encouragement when she hesitated.

  Anna bit her lip as she started to unbutton his shirt. She was trembling so hard now that it seemed to take for ever to accomplish the simple task. However, Ben was patient to a fault, standing rock-still in front of her until she had undone the very last one.

  He shrugged off the shirt and tossed it into the corner then turned to her again. ‘My turn next.’

  He slipped his fingers beneath the straps of her slip and slid them down her arms, then bent so that he could draw it off her body. Anna steadied herself by holding onto his shoulder as she stepped out of the silky fabric, feeling little flurries of alarm darting through her. All she had on now were a rather utilitarian bra and a pair of matching briefs, and she was suddenly overwhelmingly conscious of how she must look. She didn’t think that she could bear it if Ben thought that she was ugly!

  ‘You’re beautiful, Anna, so very beautiful.’

  There was a reverence in his voice as he straightened and looked at her that made her fears instantly evaporate. There wasn’t a shred of doubt in her mind that he was telling her the truth. When he reached behind her and un-clipped her bra she no longer felt ashamed or scared. She stood in front of him proudly, watching the desire that crossed his face as he cupped her breasts in his hands and lifted them so that he could place his mouth to her nipples.

  Anna cried out when she felt the needle-sharp sensations shooting through her as he suckled her breasts. She had to grip his arms for support because the feeling was so intense that she could barely stand it.

  Ben raised his head and she could see the passion that had turned his eyes almost black when he looked at her. ‘This is what you want, isn’t it, Anna? Tell me to stop if you still have doubts.’

  She moistened her lips, feeling the pulsing hunger building deep inside her as he stroked her wet nipples with the pads of his thumbs. ‘I don’t want you to stop, Ben,’ she admitted hoarsely. ‘I want you to make love to me.’

  ‘No woman will ever be loved as I am going to love you,’ he bit out, bending to lift her into his arms. He carried her to the bed and laid her down on it, his expression saying all that needed to be said as he looked at her for a long moment after he had stripped off her briefs and she was lying naked in front of him.

  Anna took hold of his hand and laid it on her stomach, pressing it gently against the swollen hardness. ‘Love me, Ben,’ she whispered. ‘Please.’

  It was all the invitation he needed. He quickly stripped off the rest of his clothes and lay down beside her, gathering her into his arms and holding her close so that she was in no doubt that it was what he wanted as well.

  Anna closed her eyes, letting herself drift as passion claimed them, letting her heart have its way and her head be silenced. Maybe this was wrong and she would regret it, but she couldn’t bear to stop what was happening. She couldn’t bear to deny herself this time in Ben’s arms even if it was a mistake!

  CHAPTER NINE

  MOONLIGHT streamed through the window, casting a silvery light over the room. Anna lay on her side, watching Ben as he slept. His skin was dappled with light, lending him a strangely ethereal appearance which was totally at odds with the flesh-and-blood man lying beside her. They had made love with a passion and intensity that made her heart race when she thought about it. It had been everything she could have dreamed of, which made it all the more difficult to know what to do.

  Ben loved her. He hadn’t said the words because she hadn’t let him say them, but that didn’t alter how he felt. How did she feel about him? It was a question which she had shied away from answering but she had to be honest with herself at last.

  She loved him, too. She could never hav
e made love with him if she hadn’t loved him with all her heart. However, the situation wasn’t straightforward. It wasn’t simply a question of seeking the right answers then knowing what to do. There were too many other things to be taken into account.

  She sighed as she rolled over and stared at the ceiling. How could she let Ben become involved in her life when it would mean such drastic changes for him? Maybe he felt that he could accept the baby at the present time, but how could she be sure that he wouldn’t change his mind in the future? The thought that he might one day come to resent this child she was carrying scared her.

  ‘What are you thinking?’

  His voice was soft and deep, filled with so much love that Anna felt her heart ache. She kept her gaze focused on the ceiling, not wanting him to see how confused she felt. She had to be strong now, make her head take charge and not listen to the clamouring of her heart, but she couldn’t do that if she let Ben persuade her that everything would work out.

  ‘Nothing,’ she replied woodenly.

  ‘You’d be no good at poker, Anna Clemence.’ He slid his arm around her and gently drew her onto her side so that she was forced to look at him. ‘You’re a rotten liar.’

  She sighed. ‘Is that a fact?’

  ‘Yes.’ He kissed her quickly on the mouth. ‘I know for certain that you’re lying there worrying your beautiful head about this situation, so there’s no point pretending.’ He framed her face between his hands and his gaze was fierce all of a sudden. ‘There’s nothing to worry about, Anna. I promise you!’

  ‘I wish I could believe you,’ she began shakily.

  ‘Then let me convince you.’

  His mouth was urgent this time, his hunger barely contained despite the hours they had spent already making love. Anna knew it was the wrong thing to do but she responded blindly as he made love to her again with a tenderness and passion that touched her soul. That Ben loved her this much was almost more than she could bear in the circumstances, but she couldn’t deny his feelings any more than she could deny her own. She loved him with all her heart, with every scrap of her being, but sometimes love wasn’t enough to guarantee that nobody would get hurt.

  He gave her one last, achingly tender kiss then tossed back the quilt. ‘I’m going to take a shower. It’s time that we got a few things straight and I won’t be able to keep my mind on what needs to be said if I stay here.’

  ‘Ben, I—’

  ‘No.’ He shook his head. ‘Don’t say anything now. We need to sit down and discuss this calmly, rationally, Anna. I know I’m going to have a job convincing you that what we have is too important to risk losing, and I don’t want us to make any mistakes.’

  Anna sighed as he left the bedroom. He must have guessed how uncertain she was, but how could she allow herself to be persuaded when in her heart she knew that it would be wrong? She wanted to do what was right for all of them and letting herself be carried away by her feelings for Ben—and his for her—wasn’t the way.

  There was a heaviness in her heart as she got up and slipped on a robe. When Ben had finished in the bathroom she took a shower then got dressed even though it was gone midnight, needing the protection of clothes to give her the illusion that she was in control. However, as she left the bedroom she knew that was all it was—an illusion. She didn’t feel in control of anything at that moment!

  ‘I’ve made some tea. I thought it might be better than coffee at this time of the night.’

  Ben got up as she went into the sitting room and poured her a cup of tea. He placed it on the table in front of the sofa but Anna chose to sit in a chair instead. It would be difficult enough to keep a clear head when she had to face him, but impossible if she sat next to him.

  ‘Do you want to go first or shall I?’ There was an edge in his voice which she had never heard in it before, and she looked sharply at him. He wasn’t looking at her but she could tell from the taut line of his jaw that he was steeling himself for what was about to happen.

  ‘You may as well start,’ she said softly, wishing that there was a way to make this easier for both of them.

  ‘Very well, then. I love you, Anna.’ He shook his head when she went to protest. ‘No. There’s no point in lying about how I feel. I love you and I’m not ashamed of the fact. I believe that we could have a future together but I sense that you don’t agree. I think that you’ve got some crazy idea into your head that the baby is a handicap.’

  ‘It isn’t crazy at all. The truth is that this baby isn’t your responsibility, Ben. It wouldn’t be fair to turn your life upside down by expecting you to take care of it.’

  ‘You wouldn’t be turning my life upside down! You’d be giving me the chance to do something that I want to do!’

  He stood up abruptly and paced across the room then swung round. ‘I want to be part of this baby’s life, Anna. I need to be a part of yours! Don’t deny me either of those things, I beg you!’

  She shook her head in despair, hating to hear him sound so distraught. ‘It isn’t that simple! All right, so maybe you feel that you can love this child now, but how about in the future? Can you guarantee that you’ll still feel the same and that you won’t come to resent having to look after it? What happens if we have children of our own—would you be able to love this child as much as you would love them?’

  ‘Of course I would! I can’t believe that you’re asking me a question like that.’ His face was set as he came back across the room and stood in front of her. ‘I shall love this child every bit as much as any other children that we might have. Why on earth would you doubt it?’

  Anna looked away, not wanting to see the hurt and anger in his eyes. She didn’t doubt that he believed what he said, but she couldn’t dismiss what her brother-in-law had told her, that no man really wanted another man’s child. Perhaps if the baby had been half hers then she would have felt easier about the idea, but it was Jo’s and Mike’s child.

  The reality was that Ben would be committing himself to caring for a child that wasn’t even hers, let alone his! How could he not come to resent the responsibility that had been thrust upon him? She didn’t think she could bear it if a time came when he regretted having fallen in love with her.

  She was still trying to find a way to explain all that to him when he spoke, and she shivered when she heard the unaccustomed harshness in his voice. ‘Maybe this hasn’t anything to do with the baby at all. Perhaps the real truth is that you have doubts about your own feelings, Anna. It could be that I was presuming too much to think that you loved me.’

  Anna bit her lip. The urge to confess that she loved him with all her heart was almost too great to bear. However, if she did that then he would find a way to convince her that her fears were groundless. Was she really prepared to risk ruining his life because, selfishly, she couldn’t bear to live the rest of hers without him?

  Her head spun with all the thoughts that were whirling inside it but she simply couldn’t decide what to do for the best. And in the end Ben took her silence as his answer. ‘It seems that I owe you an apology, Anna. Obviously, I completely misjudged the situation. All I can say is that you can rest assured that this will be the end of it.’

  He didn’t say anything else before he left the room. Anna heard him walking into the kitchen then the sound of the back door opening and closing. She sat right where she was, recalling the day when she had first met Ben. Then she had stood on the stairs after he had left, listening to the silence. She had felt so alone that day, so bereft, yet it had been nothing compared to how she felt at that moment. This time it felt as though Ben had taken her heart away with him when he had walked out of the door.

  ‘Lucy is being discharged this afternoon. I thought I’d drive over to the hospital to collect her if you wouldn’t mind covering for me.’

  Anna was in Adam’s room, discussing a patient’s treatment, when Ben knocked on the door. It was almost a week since the night they had slept together and he had treated her with faultless court
esy ever since. It was obvious that he intended to stick to his promise never to raise the subject of how he felt about her, and although she knew that she should be relieved, it still hurt to have him treat her so distantly all the time.

  ‘Of course. What’s going to happen about her? I don’t like the idea of her being stuck in that poky little bedsit again when she comes home,’ Adam asked, frowning.

  ‘Janice Robertson has invited Lucy to stay with her for a couple of weeks.’ Ben shrugged. ‘I’m hoping to persuade Lucy that it would be a good idea, but she didn’t seem keen when I mentioned it to her. She said that she didn’t like accepting favours from people.’

  Anna frowned. She couldn’t help noticing how weary he sounded that day. Her heart twisted painfully when she saw the lines of strain that bracketed his mouth. It was obvious that the situation between them was taking its toll on him and she couldn’t help feeling guilty, even though she knew that she had made the right decision.

  ‘Try and talk her round to the idea,’ Adam advised him. ‘The last thing we want is a repeat of what happened. Did you find out why Lucy took that overdose, by the way?’

  ‘It appears that she’d had a final demand for her water bill. She simply didn’t have the money to pay it and was scared stiff because they were threatening to cut off her water supply,’ Ben said grimly. ‘I’ve been onto the water company and told them in no uncertain terms what I think about their methods. They’ve promised to look into the situation and not send her any more demands.’

  ‘Good. It comes to something when people are driven to taking their own lives because they can’t afford the basic necessities,’ Adam said disgustedly.

  Anna shivered. She was very aware that she, too, would be forced to live off a pittance soon. She couldn’t help wondering how she was going to manage after the baby was born.

  She quickly excused herself, not wanting Ben to suspect what was going through her mind. It wouldn’t be fair to add to his burden by letting him see how worried she was. She had made her decision to go it alone and it had been the right thing to do. She would just have to take each day as it came.