Bound (Bound Duet Book 1)

by Stephie Walls

  He was no better than his father.

  Seeing Gray with another woman—or girl, rather; she couldn’t have been more than eighteen or nineteen—shattered what little hope I had held on to. Scarlett and I didn’t stay long after running into Gray and Erin. I couldn’t handle it. I sat at the table letting the tears streak my face before she finally asked the waiter for our check. Food uneaten, we had left. I kept reminding myself we weren’t together, although we had never officially broken up. He did whatever he wanted to do. Yet, I convinced myself that only meant hanging out with his friends, not dating other people—it was all a demented lie I chose to believe. The cushion on the couch had formed around my butt as I sat alone in my apartment. I rested my hand on my little bump and talked to Cole as though he could hear me. I reassured him I loved him, and that he had been conceived in that same emotion. But it was me I was trying to persuade to believe the words.

  Over the next few days, I didn’t do much. I had called my teachers and told them I was pregnant and had typical morning sickness issues. Fortunately, I had been in their classes before, and they knew I didn’t arbitrarily skip lectures and always turned in my best work. They were being lenient and allowed me to finish the remainder of my summer classes from home. I did what I had to do to stay caught up with school, but other than that, I hadn’t left my couch or my bed.

  I hadn’t showered in three days. I was barely eating and avoided all human interaction. I hadn’t answered my phone because I didn’t have anything to say to anyone. Text messages and voicemails were being ignored, and I had no idea who had been at my door, but I hadn’t bothered to answer those intrusions, either. To say I was inconsolable was an understatement. Gray had been my entire world for over two years. He was everything to me, losing him was like losing my soul. I was utterly broken. With no desire to try to pull myself together, I was falling further into an abyss.

  I had fallen asleep on the couch again and assumed it was late since it was dark outside, but I had no concept of time. Honestly, I couldn’t say with any certainty what day it was since I hadn’t left my apartment in over a week. The knocking on the door hadn’t ceased. When I glanced at the clock and saw it was almost two in the morning, I worried if this incessant pounding didn’t end, my neighbors might call the cops. Dragging myself off the couch to peer through the peephole, I saw Jenny’s little hippy ass, so I opened the door.

  “What the hell, Annie? Where the fuck have you been? I’ve called, come by, emailed, no answer. People worry about your ass!” Jenny was sober, worried, and now that she had determined I was breathing, she was just plain pissed off.

  I silently ushered her in with a wave and closed the door behind her while she plopped her butt down on the couch. I needed to move. “I haven’t wanted to be around anyone, Jenny.”

  “You look like shit, Annie. Have you lost weight? You have black circles around your eyes, too.”

  “Thanks for the rundown. Nothing like a good friend telling you how awful you look to lift your spirits.” Sarcasm dripped from my words. She heard it in my voice but wouldn’t let me play it off.

  “Annie, Lynn talked to Scarlett. We all know about Gray and his little girlfriend. Lynn reamed his ass. She says Topher told her that Scarlett let him have it, multiple times. All your friends are fighting for you behind the scenes. Why won’t you let any of us help you through this?” Her wrath had turned to sympathy.

  I hated it, which was why I’d shut myself up in my apartment since the night I saw them together. “Jenny, I know you guys mean well, but if Gray doesn’t want to be with me, there’s nothing I can do about it.”

  “Don’t give me that bullshit. Everyone knows Gray owns you. You love him more than life itself. It’s no secret, not even to Gray. Why are you letting him do this to you? You are so much stronger than this. You didn’t fall this hard when everything happened with Will, and you fell pretty damn hard then. You’ve got to get out of this damn apartment and live your life. Fuck Gray.” Ahh, the love of good friends; they always had the words to defend you, knocking down whatever asshole had hurt your heart.

  “I don’t have it in me right now. I’m sure it’ll get better with time, but I can’t risk running into him again. It hurts too much. He acted like he didn’t know me, Jenny. He just sat there with some random girl. He didn’t get up to hug me, didn’t regret being with someone else, nothing. He asked about Cole like he’s ten, not his unborn child.” The damn waterworks assaulted my eyes, again. “Damn it, I fucking hate crying. I hate people seeing me like this. This is why I haven’t left my apartment. The hormones are running a crash course on my emotions.”

  “Well, I’m not taking no for an answer. I’m coming over tomorrow to pick you up at ten. We’re getting you out of this fucking apartment. I don’t care what we do, but you will see sunlight. Where’s Gray’s key?”

  “What?”

  “Gray. He had a key. Where is it?”

  “In the drawer in the kitchen. Why?”

  She went into the kitchen and rummaged through the mess before she located the key. When she held it up, I nodded, confirming she had the correct one.

  “I’m taking it. You aren’t locking us out anymore, Annie. We’re your friends, and we’re going to get you through this. Be ready tomorrow morning. If you aren’t, I’ll use my new key to let myself in. I’d hate to bind and gag a pregnant woman, but I’m not above it. Please don’t make me do anything that might hurt Cole.” She gave me a big smile. “See you tomorrow, girl.” Then she left, but not until after the deadbolt latched from the breezeway.

  At nine o’clock, my alarm went off. I forced myself to get up from the comfort of my bed and took a much-needed shower. It had been four days since I’d bathed. I had started to smell myself, and my hair was one giant ball of grease piled on top of my head. As I walked into the bathroom to turn on the shower, I stripped off my clothes. I should have probably burned them instead of trying to wash the stench out. The shower door swung open with a flick of my fingers, I stepped into the hot water, and let it soak my hair and drench my skin. It felt amazing as though it was soaking life back into my pores.

  I stood in the stream, more relaxed than I had been in days. The scent of my shampoo awakened my senses; and the scrub of my loofah brightened my limbs. I conditioned my hair and shaved my entire body before I sat down on the little seat in the shower. While my body felt better, my heart throbbed in agony. I missed Gray—his touch, his warmth, his love, his security. Everything about it was unhealthy, and I couldn’t pull myself out of my Gray-induced coma.

  I missed everything about him.

  Somehow, I had to find a way to let him go, but I had no idea how to make that happen. I didn’t cry. I ached, everywhere, inside and out. I didn’t allow myself to linger in the shower; it was not helping my mental state. Toweling off quickly, I then threw on some jeans, a concert tee, and my Docs before drying my mess of hair and winding it up in a ponytail. With some lip gloss, I was ready to go as Jenny opened the front door.

  “So, now that you have a key, you aren’t knocking anymore?” I laughed at her.

  “What’s the point? You knew I was coming, and you know I have a key. Win win. You didn’t even have to answer the door. You ready?”

  “Yep. Where are we going?”

  “Well, since you don’t seem to be eating, and losing weight when you’re pregnant and already too thin, I thought we’d start with brunch, but no mimosas for you. Then maybe go window-shopping at the mall to get you out around people. The walking will help you, too. Endorphins or something like that. Then on to the nail place for a mani/pedi.”

  She was trying really hard to make this fun—a girl’s day like any other day. One thing I loved about Jenny, she always had a smile on her face; the glass was always half full, and if not, she just got a smaller glass.

  We settled on Mimi’s for brunch. The portions were huge, which was exactly why I presumed Jenny had insisted on it, but the food was good, too. I really wasn’t h
ungry. Actually, my stomach hurt, but it was more like a cramp than nausea. When we sat down, I slid into the booth and felt a stabbing sensation right below my bellybutton. The jolt was sharp enough that it caused me to wince out loud.

  Air rushed between my teeth as I sucked in sharply catching Jenny’s attention. “You okay? What’d you do?”

  “Nothing, just got a cramp when I slid in, but it’s gone now. No big deal,” I reassured her; although, I wasn’t so sure myself. The discomfort continued while we ordered, then as I pushed my food around my plate. It had gotten so intense I was nauseous. Scooting off the bench, I gave Jenny a weak smile. “I’m going to run to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

  “Everything okay? You look pale. Do you want me to come with you?”

  “No, silly. I’m fine. If we both disappear, the waiter’s going to think we skipped out on the bill. If I’m not back in five minutes, send out a search party.” I giggled to ease her worry—and possibly my own. The physical throbbing I’d thought was my ache for Gray had settled into my belly in the form of spasms. I had gotten so used to feeling like shit I had ignored my body’s pleas for attention.

  When I reached the bathroom, I closed the stall door and leaned over the toilet. Dizzy, I steadied myself—against my better judgment—with my hands on the toilet seat, and sank to my knees. The heat in the building was killing me; I was burning up. Sweat dripped down my face and blackness encroached on my vision. I closed my eyes and tried to regain control, taking deep breaths—unable to fathom why the hell it was so hot in this damn bathroom.

  “Annie?”

  The footsteps were muffled on the tile, but I couldn’t open my eyes for fear of falling over or passing out.

  “Annie?”

  Shit, I must have passed my five-minute marker. The search party was out in full force.

  “Oh God, Annie. Open the door.”

  When I didn’t open it, she crawled under the stall. The space was too small for one, much less two, but once under the door, she unlocked it and flung it open. “Annie, there’s blood. I think I should call 9-1-1.”

  “Blood? What are you talking about?” I couldn’t open my eyes. Instinctively, I knew the moment the words came out of her mouth, but if I looked, it would be real.

  “Annie, you need to get to a hospital, there’s blood everywhere. It soaked through your jeans. I’ll be right back, don’t move.”

  I wasn’t sure where she thought I’d go in this condition, but I obliged and remained still. Consumed with emotion, I sank down to the cold tile floor. With my stomach clutched by my hands, I talked to Cole. I told him I loved him and apologized for never getting to meet him. I admitted my sorrow in not taking better care of him so he would one day see the sunlight and smell the rain. There on the bathroom floor, I begged God not to take him from me. I tried to barter with the Almighty to allow me to keep my little boy. I promised Him the moon, but in the end, God already had everything, including the stars, and my pleas fell on deaf ears.

  I woke up in a hospital room with Jenny and Lynn sitting side by side at the edge of my bed. Their faces showed signs of tears—wet lashes, red and puffy eyes, swollen lips. Instinctively, I reached to my belly, sending Lynn into a tizzy, but she couldn’t find the words. I knew he was gone. I closed my eyes to drown myself in darkness; the tears seeped down the sides of my face. I couldn’t stop the sobs from coming as I rolled onto my side and clutched my belly, aching for the loss of my child.

  Sometime later, the nurse came in to check my vitals. I opened my eyes to find Jenny and Lynn still there, looking exactly the same, as if no time had passed. The nurse asked me about my discomfort level, but I was unable to respond. There was no way to assign a number to mourning. She meant physically, but the emotional hurt had manifested itself into the physical, and it all bled together.

  According to Karen, the nurse, they had done a D&C when I was brought in. The miscarriage had already begun, and I’d lost too much blood. Nothing could be done to stop it. My discharge from the hospital would come the following day, accompanied by pain medication. Her instructions included continued rest for several days and pain medication, and after that, I quit listening.

  I’m not sure what it is about loss, but it makes people react in strange ways. I normally wasn’t the type to interrupt someone or be intentionally rude, but I just blurted out while Karen was mid-sentence, “Where’s Gray?”

  My eyes sought my friends for a response, Lynn finally admitted, “We didn’t know if you’d want us to call him. We thought you might want to be the one to tell him.”

  Karen was wide-eyed, but I was sure she’d been privy to this odd type of conversation before. I didn’t bother to let her continue whatever she had been saying before I had her cut off.

  “Did I do something wrong? Is it my fault Cole didn’t make it?”

  “Oh, sweetheart, no! Unfortunately, miscarriages happen, and medically, we usually don’t know the cause.” The warmth in her words was encouraging like she really meant them, but she didn’t know about the drugs before I had found out I was pregnant. She didn’t know about the stress. She didn’t know about the depression since Gray had left, and even worse since I’d met Erin.

  Before I could stop them, I choked on sobs. “I killed him. It’s my fault that sweet little boy will never meet his daddy or even see the light of day.”

  All three women tried to reassure me that wasn’t true, but deep within I knew it was. One more loss. One more failure. One more disappointment.

  Four o’clock the following day the hospital discharged me. Lynn didn’t go with us to my house, but Jenny assured me she wasn’t leaving anytime soon, although I had no idea how she managed that with her family obligations. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to wallow in the grief that consumed me. Instead, I went home to sleep for what must have been two full days. I got up to pee, took more pain medication, and then lay back down. Jenny never left the apartment—she was usually on the couch watching TV.

  Eventually, she had gone grocery shopping, and I’d even found her doing laundry, but I never spoke to her. I just drugged myself and went back to bed. She must have gotten tired of sitting around, or maybe it was the constant chirp of my phone, either way, she finally barged into my room, demanded I get up and then tossed my cell phone on the bed next to me.

  “Annie, I wasn’t trying to be nosy, but I wanted to make sure to ward off any unwanted visitors who didn’t get a response to their text or phone calls. I’m fairly certain Gray knows about the baby. He’s blown up your phone. I finally responded, telling him you were asleep, and I’d have you call when you got up. Unfortunately, that was over twenty-four hours ago, now he’s flipping out. You have to call him.”

  “How the hell did he find out?” I was half-awake but more than pissed that someone had taken it upon themselves to share information with him without my permission.

  “I don’t know. I’ve been holed up here with you for two days, so it sure as hell wasn’t me.”

  “What have his texts said?”

  She nodded toward the phone and indicated I should read them myself. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what he had to say. They started out concerned. No mention of Cole, but text after text filled with worry. Scarlett said I had been sick, and no one had seen me. The longer they went unanswered, the more irritation I detected in his words until they were demanding, wanting to know where I was, what I was doing, why I hadn’t respond. He never mentioned Cole or the hospital, but Jenny was right—he knew. He just wouldn’t acknowledge it in a text message. I threw myself back down on the pillow and stared at the ceiling before I let out a deep breath.

  “Annie, I’m going to get out of here for a while, let you deal with this your own way, privately. Call me if you need me; otherwise, I’ll be back tomorrow to check on you.”

  “Thanks, Jen.”

  I picked up the phone and called Gray. He answered on the first ring. “Annie?”

  “Hey.”

  “W
here the fuck have you been?”

  “At home.” I didn’t like his tone at all. Either he calmed his ass down, or this would turn into our second fight. Right now, I didn’t care one way or the other how he wanted to play it.

  “Why haven’t you answered?”

  “Gray, you can either calm down and talk to me like I’m a human being or I’m hanging up, and you can get your answers from someone who cares what you think right now. That would not be me.” I was fuming mad. Hormones apparently still pulsated through my veins because I didn’t give two shits what Gray Dearsley thought or wanted to know.

  “Where the hell did that come from? I’m concerned about you, and you’re yelling at me?” Gray’s fear was coming out in anger. This was his distress getting the best of him, but right now, I simply didn’t give a shit.

  “Look, Gray, I’m exhausted, and I’m not interested in fighting with you. Is there something you need or did you just want to know I’m still breathing?” I sounded like a bitch, even to my own ears but I’d not only reached my breaking point, I’d long surpassed it. I was sure Gray was dumbfounded by the words I spewed at him. I had never talked to him like this.

  “I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “Bird Dog, I know.”

  His confession silenced me. I was speechless—clueless what to say.

  “Why didn’t you call me?” His voice was soft, almost loving.

  “I didn’t call anyone, Gray. I don’t even remember going to the hospital, and it was over when I woke up. I’ve been in bed for the last two days doped up on pain medication.”

  “What happened?” His voice cracked as he asked the question, either from trying to maintain control over his tone or from pain at the loss of the child neither of us had the pleasure of ever meeting.

  “I don’t know. The nurse said it happens.” I hovered over the brink of an emotional breakdown I couldn’t afford to have with Gray in attendance. The child I wasn’t sure I had wanted took a piece of me when I lost him. I needed to get off the phone, quickly. “Gray, I’m not feeling all that great. Can we talk later?”