Bound (Bound Duet Book 1)

by Stephie Walls

  “Baby, don’t shut me out.” He had to be fucking kidding.

  I didn’t know what delusional rock he lived under, but he closed the door, he was absent during this pregnancy—he shut himself out. My emotional turmoil ran rampant between crushing sadness and fiery rage. Gray was about to get the brunt of my hormonal shitstorm.

  “I’m sorry, Gray. I have to go.” Before he responded, I hung up and allowed myself to cry, mourn, rage, and throw things. Physically and emotionally exhausted, I couldn’t handle the most basic aspects of life these days. I was—weak, unable to function on my own, and allowed life’s circumstances to dictate my worth, viability, and happiness. I swore—promised myself—I’d never be that girl again.

  I succumbed to sleep; it was the only thing that numbed the pain.

  My phone was so loud it could have woken the dead. I had no idea why the damn thing wasn’t on vibrate or why people insisted on calling me in the middle of the fucking night. Gray’s name on the caller ID didn’t bring me any joy. Normally, I’d answer, and he’d come over after leaving whatever bar he stumbled out of, probably the one near my apartment, but not tonight. I switched it to vibrate before I threw it back on the coffee table and went back to sleep. Right after I’d fallen asleep, the home phone rang. Gray and his ex-wife were the only people who even knew the number, and it was a safe bet it wasn’t Abby. Stumbling to the wall, I pulled the base down and unplugged the phone, silencing the relentless noise. And hopefully, eliminated any further interruptions. Irritated as hell, I laid back down on the couch, covered up with a blanket, and let sleep envelop me.

  Time had escaped me, and I wasn’t sure how much later it was when the beating on the door jolted me from a pain-pill-slumber. I threw the blanket on the couch and stomped toward the front entrance. Gray stood mere inches away when I squinted through the peephole—beyond livid. He had his Georgia Tech hat on backward with a T-shirt and jeans, but his face was beet red. I had never ignored him, but over the last seventy-two hours, I had disregarded every effort he’d made to contact me. But if I let him in, he’d provide the comfort we both desperately craved—and I wholeheartedly wanted. When I closed my hand around the knob, I almost turned it but stopped myself.

  I couldn’t do it anymore; I couldn’t stay on the rollercoaster that was Gray Dearsley.

  If I ever wanted to heal, I had to get away from him. I had to let him go like he had me. It wasn’t because I didn’t love him, it was actually because I did, but also because I loved myself—or at least I wanted to.

  He yelled through the barrier between us. “Annie, I know you’re there. I know you can hear me. Open up.” The desperation in his tone almost cost me my resolve. “Baby, don’t make me stand out here. Talk to me, please.”

  I needed him to leave. I wouldn’t be able to maintain my resolve much longer. He had that authority over me, the power to change my every thought because I wanted him. I belonged to him. But for the first time in my life, I realized that didn’t mean we could be together. Loving him wasn’t a reason to be committed to him.

  “Bird Dog?”

  Through the peephole, all I could see was the top of his head.

  “Annie, please.” His plea was softer, as if he felt me only a few inches away, right on the other side of the metal separating us. Hearing footsteps on the stairs, I glanced back out to see he’d gone. I turned my back against the door and slid to the floor. With my head on my knees, I wrapped my arms around them and poured my emotion out in rivers of salty brine.

  I sat on the floor and struggled to believe I hadn’t let him in. He had known I was here, inches away. I’d heard him talking but had chosen not to answer. I needed to let him go, but his loss would have been easier to grieve had he died. Knowing he walked the earth at the same time I did, yet he had chosen not to be with me, wasn’t something I could face.

  I wasn’t surprised when my phone rang again minutes later. He couldn’t let me go—he wouldn’t. As long as I breathed, he’d keep me connected to him, owning me. Regardless of how strong I was, Gray called the shots, abused my loyalty in favor of playing his version of the game of life. He wasn’t pained by my absence unless he believed I’d moved on. He wanted me available on his timeline. He wanted me to remain celibate, to wait at home for him. No one could live like that. I didn’t recognize the number on the phone, but there was only one person it could have been.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, baby.” He wanted to comfort me—to fix things long enough for me to believe in the fairytale again. He needed to atone for his sins, but it wasn’t for my forgiveness—it was to assuage his own guilt.

  “Hey, Gray.”

  “Let me come over. We need to talk.”

  “There’s nothing to talk about, Gray. I can’t do this anymore.”

  “What do you mean you can’t do this anymore?” The apparent alcohol in his system amplified his anger. He had been drinking, and it made this an even worse time to interact.

  “Just what I said. I want something you can’t give me. I can’t keep sitting around hoping you’ll change your mind. That someday, you’ll love me enough to commit to me—deem me worthy. That you’ll get tired of chasing this idea of independence and accept that I love you. That’s not enough for you, Gray, and that’s all I have to offer. I love you so much I’ve lost myself trying to show you. I lost Cole trying to prove it to you. I’m hurting as much as you are. I don’t want to do this, but all I’ve done the last few weeks is think about this never-ending cycle. You will never be any different. You are who you are, and I don’t want to change you. I want to be what you need, but the fact is we want different things out of life. I need stability, safety, and security. You need independence and spontaneity, living life day to day. Neither of us will change who we are at the core. But, Gray…I love you enough to let you go so you can be who you’re meant to be.”

  “You didn’t lose Cole because of me. You lost Cole because you were snorting shit up your nose and smoking crap you had no business smoking. You took him from me, Annie!”

  That was it.

  I hung up.

  I wouldn’t listen to him heap abuse on me. I was doing it to myself daily, and I refused to allow someone who claimed to love me to do it instead, or in addition. I assumed Gray was reeling for the first time. He realized he had now lost his son…and me.

  Lynn told me he had appeared relieved when he found out I’d miscarried. Instead of comforting me, knowing I loved the little boy I’d never met, he now blamed me for his demise. Lynn had confirmed for him how hard I took Cole’s loss, and overall, I hadn’t been dealing with it well.

  There was a tiny piece of me that was proud I stood up to him, but I knew he wouldn’t believe me. He didn’t think I had the courage to love him and not be with him. We had talked about it countless times—neither of us thought there would ever be a time we weren’t in each other’s lives. We were tied together by some higher power. I’d promised him more times than I could count that no one would ever love him the way I did—and that remained true. What I couldn’t do was stay in his back pocket and wait for him to offer what I needed.

  He had taken a cheap shot, blaming me for Cole, but he hadn’t said anything I hadn’t already thought. Maybe I wouldn’t have lost him if I hadn’t been doing drugs when I got pregnant, but hell, I hadn’t known I was pregnant and thought I had taken steps to prevent it from being a possibility.

  Or maybe it simply wasn’t meant to be.

  Maybe it wasn’t our time.

  Shit, I didn’t know. I only knew I fucking hurt.

  I hurt worse than I had ever hurt after losing Will, and that guilt was crushing. Gray hurt, too. I couldn’t soothe either one of us, and for me, that was almost as bad as losing my son.

  History kept repeating itself—I couldn’t stop the pain, and I hadn’t stopped the loss. I wanted to make his pain go away, curl up in his lap with his arms around me, have him kiss my forehead, and reassure me I wouldn’t die from the grief.r />
  But this time, he’d gone too far.

  He’d lost me.

  Chapter Eleven

  For all practical purposes, Gray had become a whore over the summer. Unfortunately, I still ran into him a good bit because of Topher, Scarlett, and the simple fact we lived in the same town. Every time I saw him, he was with a different girl, each one younger than the last. I talked to him occasionally, and he sent me random text messages telling me he loved me, or he wanted to hook up. Sadly, I usually responded and frequently met up with him. I hadn’t dated anyone in the months since Gray. My heart was still his, but since he’d abused it, it was better to keep a distance—I satisfied my carnal needs instead of emotional ones. The sex was still amazing, but the truth was, I would take whatever part of Gray I could get. This way, outwardly, it appeared to be on my terms, that I was the one who had walked away.

  His friends thought I was crazy. Mine thought I was insane. They both told me all the time I needed to move on, to find someone who would love me the way I loved Gray, but I had an unhealthy need to cling to him. I’d stopped seeing my shrink because I was tired of hearing his opinion on how harmful this relationship—or lack thereof—was. I was unable to let go and didn’t want to. My mind knew he couldn’t change, and this was who he was at the core, but my heart simply didn’t care.

  My soul clung to the scraps he tossed in my direction. He was always with a different girl, and they all looked at him the same way I used to, or still did when no one else was around, but oddly enough, he brushed them aside when we ran into each other. He never hid who I was or ignored me. He introduced me, hugged me, talked to me, and without fail, every girl had known exactly who I was upon introduction—although I’d bet money none of them knew we still hooked up. For some reason, I took consolation in that. I found comfort in knowing he cared enough about me for them to be familiar with my name.

  For the most part, they’d given me warm receptions. One or two had tried to solicit information on the infamous Gray—how to hold on to him, how to get him to open up, how to get him to commit, blah blah blah. Each time, I wanted to smack them, and remind them our relationship hadn’t worked, so I might not be the best person to ask. It was asinine to believe the ex could provide insight into the future, but for whatever reason, whoever he portrayed me to be in his life, they believed I was their answer. The key holder. I’d held that position before and failed miserably at that responsibility.

  What a useless title that was to have.

  I was a pathetic mess who had no business socializing with anyone at all. I’d waffled back and forth on how to proceed with him and had held onto this false sense of control because I believed it appeared I called the shots to outsiders. I wasn’t fooling anyone but myself, and my ping-pong mentality wasn’t getting me anything other than whiplash. At some point, I had to be strong enough to stand up and walk away…for good. But tonight, wouldn’t be that night.

  Scarlett and I had gone clubbing at The Astro and were standing at the bar waiting on drinks, both completely blitzed. The lights moved around in waves and danced to the music thumping in my ears. The club was designed for recreational drug users—whether the owners wanted to admit it or not. Black lights played on the dark walls and were the only illumination on the dance floor—this was an amazing place to roll. We had dosed in the parking lot before coming in, and as the wave started to set in, the atmosphere accentuated my high. I was easily lost in the people who danced with glow sticks to the funky techno beat. We frequented the club often enough that the bartender knew us fairly well. I stood at the counter talking to him when the weight of a hand on my shoulder stole my attention away. I wasn’t sure who I expected to be behind me, but it wasn’t Erin. She was a sweet girl; I couldn’t help but think she had the same horrible taste in men I did. I offered her a gentle smile before greeting her. “Hey, Erin, what’s up?”

  “Hey, Annie!” Her cheeks might have cracked if she’d forced her smile any further. She really was cute and sweet as could be, or maybe just naïve.

  I liked her, even though I knew she was fucking Gray, which tore me apart.

  “I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute?”

  She had to be kidding. For her to have even posed the question, she had to literally scream in my ear. Surely she didn’t think we were going to have some heart to heart amongst all this chaos, or ever.

  “I know it’s loud in here, but if we could go back toward the front, it’s not as bad. I promise I won’t take much of your time.” She pleaded with her eyes, and for some odd reason, I had a bit of a soft spot for her.

  I gave Scarlett a hesitant look before she waved me off with her brow raised. Erin took my hand and led me through the crowd in some odd, intimate connection. She glanced over her shoulder a few times to make sure I was still with her, like her holding my hand wasn’t enough of an indication I hadn’t made a break for it. She escorted me back to the entrance, along the circular wall at the front of the building that separated the club and created a hall to the dance floor. The cool autumn air rushed through the front doors every time they opened as Erin led me to the benches that lined the walls.

  I started to protest. “Erin, look, I don’t think this is a good idea.”

  “Annie, please. I just want to talk to you. I swear it won’t take long.”

  “What could you possibly want to talk to me about?”

  This was strange—I’d suffered enough. It was heart-wrenching for me to talk about Gray with my own friends, much less his newest flame. There was nothing I could tell her that would benefit her in the slightest.

  Her shy demeanor didn’t prepare me for her barrage of questions. “Annie, I really appreciate you talking to me. I know you know Gray better than anyone. He talks about you all the time. He considers you and Topher his best friends, but you probably already know that.”

  Actually, I was completely shocked. I believed in some fucked-up way Gray loved me, but he chose everything else over me, so it was difficult to believe he considered me one of his best friends.

  “We’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months, but I don’t seem to be able to get past the outer shell. The only thing he opens up about is you and only if I pry. I want to know him the way you do. I want a committed relationship. I’ve told him I want to move this to another level, but he resists. What am I doing wrong?”

  This poor girl had no clue. She was so young and so naïve. I could tell she cared about him, but she was fighting a losing battle. If Gray hadn’t let her in, he wasn’t going to. I debated sharing anything with her and thought the entire situation was all kinds of inappropriate. But in the end, if I could save her from lost years and my fate, then maybe all of this had been worth something.

  “I’m not sure I’m the best person to be giving you advice, but I’ll tell you what I can. When I met Gray, he was separated from his wife. It was an ugly divorce that went on far too long. I didn’t set out to be with him. Actually, I didn’t even know who he was. He pursued me. I don’t know how much he’s told you about our relationship—”

  “I know about Cole.” All of a sudden, it was like there was a boulder on my chest. The tightness was so overwhelming. I couldn’t fathom him talking to anyone about our son. That loss was too intimate—too personal.

  “What?” I replied breathlessly.

  “That day we saw you with Scarlett, the first time you and I met, he told me you were pregnant. When you lost the baby, he went ballistic. He wouldn’t talk to me, completely shut me out, and then shut down. I know he’s not over you, Annie. I also know the two of you continue to see each other on a casual basis. He’s been honest.”

  That was shocking. Had I been in a more sober state, I might have been offended or even embarrassed. “He told you that we still see each other? And you still want a relationship with him?” She was in worse shape than I was having met him. I hadn’t known about the other woman, or that I was the other woman, but Erin knew all about me and still wanted
in on Gray’s life.

  “Yeah. I can’t say I like it, but he’s always been upfront with me about it.”

  I had no idea how to respond to that revelation. Part of me wanted to ask her why she wanted to be in a relationship with someone she already knew was sleeping with other people, but since I didn’t want to be the pot or the kettle, I just moved on and kept talking.

  “The best advice I can give you on Gray is let him be who he is. He’s not going to change to meet your needs. His independence is more important to him than any relationship, and the harder you push to get what you want, the faster you’ll drive him away.” I sighed heavily, hating this conversation as a whole. “If he didn’t come back when he found out I was pregnant, I can assure you, he won’t commit to you if you keep pushing him. Just let Gray be Gray.”

  This was so awkward. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the girl, but at the same time, I hoped to warn her in time to keep from getting her heart crushed more than it already was.

  “If you can’t handle the relationship as is, then you need to walk away. That’s what I had to do. I’m not going to lie to you. I love Gray more than anything in the world. If I thought there was even a remote chance he would change, that we could have the same life goals, you and I wouldn’t be having this conversation—you wouldn’t be in the picture. I would try to continue the relationship, but Gray doesn’t want the same things I do. He loves me beyond a shadow of a doubt, but I love him enough to know that he can’t change, and it wouldn’t be fair of me to ask him to try. This is who he is. I want him to be true to himself.”

  I knew she was too young to understand what I was saying. She hadn’t had enough life experience to know that what you want isn’t necessarily what you need. Hell, I was still trying to teach myself that lesson. My head knew it was true, but my heart refused to believe it.

  “I struggle every time I see him, every time I’m with him, to keep my emotions at bay, to keep things casual. That’s the best I can get from him right now. That’s the best I’ll probably ever get. Maybe someday I’ll meet someone who’ll break that tie, but until then, I acknowledge the truth of what I have. I would urge you to do the same.”