Where Seagulls Cry

by Yvonne Whittal

  'You married me for far less reason than that.'

  Something warned her that they should discontinue this conversation as she saw his eyes become cold flints of steel. 'That's different,' she muttered.

  'Would you care to explain?' he persisted.

  'Adam, you're twisting me into uncomfortable knots and I don't like it,' she replied, a frightened pulse throbbing at the base of her throat. 'Let's just agree to disagree, and leave it at that. Please, Adam?'

  For a moment there was absolute silence, then Adam relaxed visibly. 'You're old-fashioned, Kim, but I like you this way,' he laughed mockingly, sliding his hands down her back towards her hips as he pulled her closer to him. 'It makes you all the more interesting, despite the fact that I shall have to educate you in the scientific workings of the human body.'

  'Heaven forbid!' Kim laughed nervously, pushing him away and escaping as quickly as she could from his disturbing nearness.

  That night she lay awake, listening to Adam moving about restlessly in his room across the passage. For some time now she had suspected that he was not sleeping well, but, not wishing to intrude unless he approached her for help, she had remained in her own room each night, waiting for his restless pacing to cease before she eventually slept.

  She buried her face in her pillow and tried to force herself to sleep, but every fibre of her being was aware of the struggle taking place in the room opposite hers. She could help him, but would he welcome her interference? She hesitated only a moment longer before slipping out of bed and putting on her wrap. Not bothering to put anything on her feet, she padded across the darkened passage to his room. A thin strip of light showed beneath his door, and Kim hesitated with thudding heart before knocking on the door and entering.

  He turned towards her, his face haggard. 'Kim?'

  'Yes.' She went towards him then, compassion sweeping aside her fear of evoking his anger. 'Are you finding it difficult to sleep?'

  'Yes.' His hair stood on end the way his fingers had ploughed through it. 'It's this confounded darkness. The night loses its significance when the day is just as dark. It's sheer hell trying to get through these silent hours each night.'

  'I know.'

  'How can you know?' he demanded, rounding on her angrily. 'What do you know, you who have your sight?'

  Kim winced inwardly, but refused to be ruffled. 'If you get into bed, I'll help you to get to sleep.'

  'How?' he wanted to know with stinging sarcasm. 'By singing me a lullaby?'

  'Stop being so damned sarcastic and self-righteous!' she snapped angrily, shivering slightly at the coldness of the floor beneath her bare feet. 'Let me at least try to help you before you condemn my efforts outright.'

  Adam turned away from her and, without a word, removed his dressing gown and climbed into bed. 'Right,' his lips twisted cynically. 'What happens next?'

  'This,' said Kim, snapping off the bedside light. 'Now we're both in complete darkness. Well, almost,' she added as the moonlight filtered in through his window.

  'Is this part of the therapy?' he asked, and Kim detected a hint of amusement in his voice that made her blush in the darkness.

  Without replying she sat down beside him on the small single bed and took his hand in hers. 'I often used to sit like this with my father,' she confided in him, her voice low and reassuring. 'Sometimes we talked about silly little things that really meant nothing, and quite often I just sat with him in silence until he slept.'

  'I think I'm beginning to understand,' Adam said after a while, almost as if he had made an astonishing discovery.

  'Are you?' Kim asked warily, looking down at the dark outline of his head on the pillow. 'My father always maintained that the silence at night became a threat to him. He said it ruled his mind and twisted his thoughts until he was certain he would go mad. It was, of course, that feeling of being completely isolated from the rest of the world, and that was when the touch of a hand or the sound of a voice was so important to him.' She moved her hand slightly and felt the responding pressure of his fingers. 'You see, Adam, I do understand. You need just that little bit of assurance that you're not alone.'

  'What would I have done without you, Kim?' he sighed heavily, and she knew instinctively that he had relaxed completely.

  'Don't say that,' she reprimanded gently. 'No one is ever entirely alone. There's always Someone there when we're in need.'

  There was a brief silence before his whispered query reached her ears. 'Do you mean God?'

  'Yes… and don't overwhelm me with scientific theories to prove that God doesn't exist,' she added quickly before he could interrupt.

  'I may not believe in love, Kim,' he rebuked her, 'but I do believe in God.'

  'And God is love,' she could not help quoting, and this Adam could not dispute.

  According to the luminous hands of the clock, she sat with him for almost an hour, long after his regular breathing had indicated that he was asleep. She held his hand, reluctant to leave him, until her aching limbs forced her to slip her hand from his and rise to her feet, biting back a cry of pain as the blood shot into her numbed legs.

  Kim held her breath as he murmured her name, but he merely turned over on to his side and slept on. She hovered a moment longer beside his bed with a feeling of indescribable tenderness as she looked down at his sleeping form, then, smothering a yawn behind her hand, she tiptoed from his room and sought the comfort of her own bed.

  Adam was less sceptical after that night, welcoming her soothing presence with obvious relief on other occasions when sleep evaded him, and it forged a bond between them that grew stronger as time passed.

  The peaceful tranquillity of their life had to end some time, Kim knew, and, although she dreaded the thought, she realised that they could not continue shutting their minds to the future. Adam would have to return to the life he knew before his accident had made him seek the solitude of Heron's Bay, and she would have to guide him in that direction, even if it meant that she would no longer be needed.

  'Let's go out in the motorboat,' Adam suggested one morning when the air was still and warm. His restless energy disturbed her, but she refrained from commenting on his unusual behaviour.

  'You can steer this thing, can't you?' Adam asked matter-of-factly when they eventually clambered aboard his boat.

  'Of course I can,' she replied indignantly as she sat down behind the wheel. 'I had a boy-friend once who owned a boat.'

  'Oh?' His smile was gently mocking. What happened to the boy-friend?'

  Kim turned the key in the ignition and the engine sprang to life. 'He was here on holiday, and I was in my last year at school,' she shouted above the noise. 'For the first time in my life I was smitten, but it was a romantic crush that lasted only for the length of his holiday.'

  'Did you sometimes wish that you could have resumed your relationship with him?'

  'No, never!' she shouted emphatically. 'He had pimples.'

  Adam's unexpected roar of laughter was drowned by the revving of the engine as she steered out to sea.

  This suggested pleasure-trip turned out to be disastrous for Adam. The choppy, swaying movement of his sleek vessel had an adverse effect on him, and his enjoyment soon diminished. One glance at his pale, taut features told her that he was fighting against a rising nausea.

  'Go back!' he shouted urgently even as she turned the boat about and headed back to the shore, where the small jetty jutted out into the sea.

  Kim eased the boat into the private enclosure and cut the engine before tying it securely to its moorings. She turned to Adam then and almost cried out at the look of utter dejection on his pale face.

  'Adam, are you all right?'

  'Yes,' he replied, grinding his teeth. 'Don't panic, just get me out of here.'

  Moments later, with the steadiness of the jetty beneath his feet, he clutched at Kim as if for support. 'I'm sorry, Kim,' he groaned, the colour returning to his cheeks as he held her closer to him.

  'Don't apolog
ise, Adam,' she whispered reassuringly against his chest, her arms sliding about his waist in a comforting gesture as she felt him tremble. 'I understand, and I should have known better.'

  'It was the motion of the boat beneath me, and not being able to see—'

  'I know,' she interrupted swiftly. 'You don't have to explain.'

  Adam's hand moved against her cheek and found its way into her hair, and then, for the first time since their wedding day, his hard mouth found hers with remarkable accuracy. Surprise made her stiffen against him, her lips unresponsive beneath his despite the wild beating of her heart. 'Don't read too much into this kiss,' she warned herself as she fought down her clamouring emotions.

  'Shall we go home now?' she asked unsteadily when he finally raised his head, and he nodded briefly, keeping his arm about her as they walked along the beach towards the steps leading up the cliff.

  That afternoon a letter arrived for Adam with a Cape Town postmark. 'Shall I read it to you?' Kim asked unthinkingly.

  'How shall I know what's in it if you don't read it to me?' he snapped irritably, and Kim bit her lip nervously.

  She tore open the envelope and extracted the letter. It was a single page written in a masculine handwriting, she noticed as she glanced down at the signature. 'It's from someone who signs himself Bill Stewart.'

  Adam nodded briefly, sucking at his pipe. 'He's a scientist at the Scientific Institute.'

  Without waiting for further information, Kim read the letter to Adam. It started with the usual enquiries as to his health and then swung directly to the reason for communicating. 'The directors have been understandably reluctant to replace you as Chief of the Scientific Institute,' Kim read aloud, discovering for the first time the important position he had held, 'and have asked me to negotiate with you in this matter. They have put forward a few suggestions which might interest you, and hasten your return. Let me know when it would be convenient for you to see me, then I shall take a day off and drive out to Heron's Bay to discuss the details with you.

  'There is an element of extreme urgency, as you well know, and it's more than my job is worth to mention it on paper. Regards, Bill Stewart.'

  Adam clenched his teeth about the stem of his pipe and frowned heavily, offering no comment.

  'Will you see him, Adam?' Kim asked eventually when she could bear the silence no longer.

  'No! Of what use am I to the Institute as I am?'

  She cast him a startled glance. 'How can you say that when you don't even know what they have in mind?'

  'I don't want their pity.'

  'Who said anything about pity?' she demanded angrily. 'Really, Adam, you're being rather obstinate. At least see this man and let him explain before you flatly refuse what they may have to offer. You can't spend the rest of your life hibernating from the rest of the world, fighting off reality.'

  'You seem to forget,' he said in a tight-lipped fashion, 'I'm blind.'

  'What difference does that make?' Kim pressed on regardless of the consequences. 'You may be blind, Adam, but there's nothing wrong with your brain, so why not use it instead of letting all that information go to waste?'

  He got to his feet, clearly agitated by her persistence, for he kicked a small table out of his way and sent it skidding across the floor. 'For the last time, Kim,' he said harshly, 'I will not see Bill, and I will not accept their charity.'

  Kim shivered at the finality in his voice. 'It appears as though there's some urgency,' she continued bravely, jumping nervously as he swung round to face her, his sightless eyes pinning her ruthlessly to her chair.

  'The matter is urgent,' he ground out the words, 'but there are others who can continue where I left off.'

  'Are you sure?' Adam remained silent and she regained her confidence. 'Would you mind if I saw Mr Stewart and found out exactly what they have in mind?'

  'It won't help,' he argued stubbornly.

  'If I were you, I would at least like to know what it is I'm refusing.'

  Her words hung heavily in the air between them, but Adam had obviously digested the suggestion, for a smile of resignation hovered about his lips. 'If it will make you feel better, then write to him and make an appointment to see him. But I must warn you that your efforts will be futile.'

  That same evening after dinner, Kim wrote to Bill Stewart and, after introducing herself as Adam's wife, suggested that they meet each other at the only existing cafe in Heron's Bay on a date that would suit him. She did not omit mentioning Adam's reluctance to return to the Institute, but suggested that if she knew more about the proposition, she might be able to persuade him otherwise.

  With the letter addressed, sealed and ready to be posted, Kim went to bed that night with a feeling that hovered between anticipation and fear. What would the future hold for Adam and herself? she wondered as she tossed about in bed. If there was a chance that he could resume a semblance of his former life, then she could not restrain him, but what would a change like that hold for her personally?

  Her thoughts kept her awake for some time before she noticed that Adam, too, was having difficulty in getting to sleep. Was he thinking about his future just as she was? Would he let his blindness stand in his way permanently? She shrugged off her thoughts and reached for her wrap at the foot of her bed.

  'Can't you sleep?' she asked moments later as she entered his room to find him pacing the floor.

  'No.'

  'Neither can I,' she admitted truthfully, helping him back into bed and snapping off the light.

  Adam's hand reached for hers as she sat down beside him on the bed, and for some time they remained like that, holding hands in silence, until he suddenly removed his hand from hers and found her shoulder. The pressure of his fingers sent tremors along her nerves and, holding her breath, she wondered at this sudden digression from their normal routine.

  'Kim,' he said softly, his hand now finding her cheek and gently caressing her neck, 'I'm sorry that the day turned out so disastrous.'

  'I told you not to apologise,' she reprimanded, keeping a tight control on her tremulous voice.

  His hand went round to the nape of her neck and she was pulled unresistingly towards him until his mouth found hers. Unlike that morning, her lips were instantly responsive against the demanding pressure of his. He held her with both arms now, his hands caressing her and arousing emotions she had thought herself incapable of experiencing. Trembling and unable to resist, she clung to him as his hand slid beneath her wrap, moving urgently against her shoulder before exploring lower.

  'Kim?' he groaned against her lips, and her name was a plea for acceptance which her loving heart could not deny, for the urgency of her own need was as great as his.

  'Yes, Adam. Yes,' she whispered as he pulled her down beside him, and then, unable to think of anything other than the demanding pressure of his lips and arms, she allowed herself to be swept along on a seemingly never-ending tide of rapture.

  Kim awoke the following morning with the unfamiliar weight of Adam's arm flung across her waist. As memories of the previous evening came flooding back, she felt no shame as she recalled the awe-inspiring emotions awakened within her by the gentleness of his caressing touch. There had been no fear; no withdrawal at the last moment, only a complete surrendering of herself as his whispered endearments added to the rapture in the fusion of mind and body.

  She turned her head and glanced at his face only inches from hers on the pillow, and felt an overwhelming rush of tenderness warm her heart, accelerating its steady pace. His taut features were relaxed in sleep, making him appear almost boyish, with his hair tousled and lying across his forehead. She loved him with a burning intensity she had not thought possibly and she would continue to love him even if he should eventually have no further need of her and sent her away, she thought agonisingly as she slid carefully from beneath his restraining arm without waking him.

  Bathed and dressed, she went down to the kitchen to make some coffee, and for some time she stood and watched
the sun rising in the east like a glowing ball of fire. 'How different everything looks this morning. How fresh and new,' she thought, bemused. She felt different as well. She had become a woman overnight; a woman who had been made aware of her own needs and desires, and of emotional heights she had not known existed until Adam took it upon himself to educate her.

  A step behind her made her turn and the object of her thoughts stood before her in dressing gown and slippers, and still unshaven. She met his glance and blushed furiously despite the fact that she knew he could not see her. 'I thought you were still asleep,' she said.

  He smiled briefly. 'I heard you moving about in the kitchen and decided to come down and have my coffee with you.'

  'You're just in time, I'm about to pour.'

  'Kim,' he said urgently, reaching for her and pulling her unresistingly towards him, 'about last night… have you any regrets?'

  'None at all,' she assured him, aware of the heavy beat of his heart beneath her fingertips. 'Have you?'

  There was a hint of remorse on his face. 'Only that I actually had no right—'

  'You had every right, Adam,' she interrupted him adamantly, clutching at his shoulders and shaking him slightly. 'I'm your wife.'

  'Yes,' he acknowledged with a trace of the old mockery as he bent his dark head and rubbed his rough cheek against hers. 'You are my wife, and no one can dispute that fact now, unless you want our marriage to go back to what it was?'

  'No!' She buried her flushed face against him, standing on tiptoe to slide her arms about his neck. 'No, I don't. I… want to be your wife, Adam.'

  'In every sense of the word?'

  The rough warmth of his lips against her neck was creating havoc with her emotions. 'In every possible way, but only if you wish it too.'

  'I do wish it, my dearest Kim,' he murmured against her lips. 'Amid all the uncertainties of this world, that is one thing you can be absolutely sure of. I do want you.'