My Dirty Detour: An Alpha Male Mafia Comedy Romance

by Grace Risata

  “Yes. I’ll take the bet. You’re the real deal, aren’t you?” Sergio asked in wonder.

  “I have no idea what that means.”

  “It means that you really, genuinely care about Rocky,” he explained.

  “Of course I do! Why the fuck else would I be here?” Duh.

  “You’re not a Yoko at all, you know that, V?” Sergio said.

  “V?”

  “Yeah. If you’re going to be part of the group and tell us all to eat a dick and act like one of the guys, then you’re going to need a nickname. ‘Violet’ is too much of a girly feminine name. It doesn’t really suit you. I like ‘V’ better.”

  “But what does it stand for?”

  “Does it have to stand for something?“ he asked.

  “Yeah. No good words start with V. Vain, Vagina, Vengeful, Vexing, Villainous, Vicious, Vindictive, Venomous!” I did pretty well on my SAT’s. I’m well-versed in the English language.

  “Wow. But what about Vivacious, Vivid, Vulgar, Victorious, Vigilant, and Valuable?” Sergio asked.

  “Holy shit, you’re pretty smart. I like Vulgar. That describes my language most of the time.”

  “Fine. V is for Vulgar Violet.”

  “I like it!” I exclaimed with glee.

  We walked over to Dmitry and Rocky to check on their progress. Rocky saw us approaching and noticed the giant grin on my face.

  “What the hell’s gotten into you? You look like the happiest girl in the world!” Rocky marveled.

  “I have a nickname! I’m part of the dude group now! I’m NOT a Yoko!” I explained, much to his confusion.

  Dmitry looked to Sergio for an answer but he didn’t get one. Instead Sergio gave Rocky a giant bear hug and picked him up off the ground. “I’m sorry, bro. I’ll quit being a jealous bitchy wife from now on. I promise!”

  Rocky removed himself from Sergio’s death grip and complained, “I can’t leave you two alone for a fucking minute. Would someone kindly tell me what the hell you’re all talking about?”

  I smiled and said, “I’m solving problems. It’s all good now. Don’t worry about it.”

  “I had a nice little chat with Violet,” Sergio explained. “She’s good for you, Rocky. Keep doing what you’re doing, ok?”

  “You’re dead on your feet, Sergio. Go get some sleep and come back in a few hours,” Rocky advised his friend. Sergio left to do just that.

  “Later you’re telling me what that was all about. Right now, I’m going back to practice with Dmitry.” Rocky continued, “But thanks for whatever you told him. He seemed to be in good spirits.”

  “I’m just taking care of some unfinished business. Speaking of that, I have some calls to make.”

  Now that the whole “Sergio and Rocky aren’t getting along” situation seemed to be somewhat resolved, I had some more damage control to handle. I parked myself back in the grass and settled down to make a few calls. First up: Irina.

  I called her phone and was surprised that she answered right away. “Hello,” she said.

  “Hi Irina, it’s Violet. I was just calling to see how you were feeling this morning. You had one hell of a fight last night. You were awesome, by the way. How bad did you get hurt?”

  “I’ll live. Vasily is taking good care of me, if you know what I mean,” Irina giggled. Yes, she actually giggled like a school girl. “It turns out that being my naughty nurse suits him, too. Nothing gets your adrenaline pumping like a knock down drag out fight. And nothing, I mean not a fucking thing in the world, gets a guy hotter than watching two chicks fight it out. Vasily and I haven’t gone at it like that for a while. I think I’m more banged up from the sex than from the fight. Intense!”

  “Ok. Too much information there!” I gagged.

  She laughed and continued, “I only wish I could have finished the fight. We were just getting started.”

  “Really? It looked like you both inflicted serious damage on each other.”

  “No, not that much actually. She pulled out some hair and I took a punch or too. The worst part was when she raked her nails down my cheek. I have bloody scratch marks on my face from that soul-less heifer. I think I got her good in the mouth once. I bet the bitch has some loose teeth today.”

  “One thing’s for sure, the villainous snow queen’s white dress isn’t white anymore.”

  “Villainous snow queen? That sounds like an outfit I would wear for Vasily. I’ll have to come up with one of those.”

  “Maybe Natalia would let you borrow hers? She’ll have to have your blood dry cleaned off it first.”

  “Ah, yes. I sure had a good time last night. I should fight more often. Did you learn anything from watching us?”

  “Yeah! I learned that if I ever attempted to do anything remotely close to that, I’d get my ass totally handed to me,” I admitted.

  “Without a doubt. So, what’s going on over there? What are you all doing today?”

  “Dmitry and Rocky are outside practicing fight techniques or something. I’m watching them. Sergio left to go home and take a nap. He was up all night doing roof duty. He felt guilty because Dante tried to snort coke in front of me and Rocky freaked out and had a meltdown.”

  “I know. Dmitry told me. Gossip gets around pretty quick in our circle. Did you panic when Dante pulled out the drugs?”

  “No, he never got a chance to even open the vial. I didn’t really care, I wasn’t doing it. Have you ever done that?” I’m guessing she had.

  “Yes, one time in school. It was just a group of girls and one of them some, so we decided to try it. At first you feel like you’re king of the world and you’re better than everyone and all the answers in life are perfectly clear. I understood how people could get addicted. I wanted more. But then after a while when I was coming down from it, I got jittery. I was paranoid and I got the shakes and I felt like I was going to die. That was the end of that. I never did it again. The low afterward wasn’t worth the high that I got. It’s not for everyone. I’m not going to even ask if you tried it. I’m pretty sure I know the answer. Have you ever done ANY drugs at all?”

  “Nope. I’m boring.”

  “I figured that. Do you guys have any plans for lunch? Why don’t we bring some food over and we can grill out later?”

  “That sounds good to me. I’m glad you’re still alive and I’ll see you later.”

  “Gee, thanks.”

  Next up would be Stella.

  “Hey. Are you busy?” I asked her.

  “Yes, I’m at work. Some of us have to work for a living and we can’t hide at our boyfriend’s place all day.” Ouch.

  “Thanks for the sympathy, Stella. You have no idea what’s been going on the past few days.”

  “That’s because you haven’t told me any details. I’m not a mind reader, you know!” I guess she had a point. I hadn’t been remotely honest with her about anything that was going on.

  “Fine. Do you really want to know?” How much was I allowed to tell her? For some reason, I felt the need to protect Rocky and his friends. I should also be protecting Stella. Maybe the more she knew, the more dangerous it would be for her. I didn’t want her getting into anything risky. The less she knew, was probably for the best. “Rocky’s psycho ex threw down some challenge that she was going to kick my ass on Friday. Rocky freaked out and said he’d fight in my place. Obviously he can’t fight this girl, so she substituted her world championship fighter brother from the Ukraine. He’s flying in to try and beat the shit out of Rocky on Friday.”

  “Wow. You really got yourself in some deep shit, haven’t you? What happened to the shy Violet who only had the problem of which TV show to watch if two good ones were on at the same time?” Stella marveled.

  “Those were the good old days,” I mused. “I’m trying my best to dig myself out of this. I mean I’m not being stupid. I’m not fighting the crazy bitch. Rocky and Dmitry both insist that he can’t lose. I’m not so sure about that.”

  “I haven’t gotten a
chance to talk to you since the big show-down at the brewery with your mom. I didn’t believe you when you were describing Irina and all your new friends….but holy shit, they all look famous or something. Especially that Irina chick. The guys look like male models or strippers. I kept expecting some ‘boom chicka wow wow’ music and that Sergio guy to strip down to a thong. You sure have some nice eye candy to keep you occupied while you’re under house arrest. Damn!”

  “Yeah, it’s all fun and games and orgies. I’m a bit pre-occupied with keeping Rocky alive, so I haven’t had the chance to have any pillow fights with Irina. You should have seen Rocky’s ex, though. Picture a crazy bitch who’s had a ton of plastic surgery and has the personality of a cartoon evil genius. She even has a henchman who looks like an assassin. It’s too wild to be true, but it is. I swear! ”

  “Wow. Did you talk to her? What did she say to you?”

  “She told me I looked like a librarian so I called her a cunt and she spit on me.”

  “What?!? I think you’re making a long story short, and in this case, I’d prefer the long story!”

  “No time. But I’ll admit, it was pretty epic. This is the stuff of legends. It’s hard to keep up this lifestyle though. Major adrenaline rush. I miss my couch and a good book. Stressful!”

  “I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you. Good luck with all that and tell me how it goes, ok?”

  “Will do. Talk to you later, Stella!”

  That went well. I hoped my next call would go just as smoothly, but I highly doubted it would.

  “Hi, Mom, it’s me. I’m just calling to check in.”

  “It’s my runaway daughter, calling to let me know she’s still alive. How considerate of you.”

  “Mom. I’m not a runaway. I’m only doing the best I can under the circumstances. I know I was pretty vague about what was going on, but give me a chance to explain, ok?”

  “I’m listening,” she responded. I guess that was better than her hanging up on me.

  “Here’s the story. Rocky’s crazy ex found out about me and she got pissed and came here to confront me. She has no claim to him. They broke up two and a half years ago. She challenged me to a fight, as if that would somehow solve anything. Rocky told her that there was no way in hell that I’d be fighting her. I guess the rules say that he had to make a substitution. He’s going to fight her brother now. Her brother is a championship fighter back where he’s from. I’m worried about Rocky because I don’t want him to get hurt. The fight is on Friday.”

  “Hmm,” she replied. “Well, I guess it’s admirable that Rocky doesn’t want you to fight. Because you’ve never fought anyone in your life and you’d get killed.”

  “I know I would. You didn’t see her. She looks pretty wicked. Like in the witch sense.”

  “Is she good looking?”

  “Of course. She’s way hotter than I am, but a lot of it is fake. Caked on make-up, hair extensions, fake tits, nose job. You name it, she bought it. I can take her in the personality department though. She’s cold hearted and manipulative.”

  “If she’s so horrible, then what was Rocky doing with her in the first place?”

  “Good question. It’s complicated. You see….it was kind of an arranged thing with their families. He was with her out of a sense of obligation. At first I was doubtful about how that all worked, but his friends confirmed it and I’ve seen how she is with my own eyes. No one would willingly go after that, unless they were certifiably insane or had a death wish. One day he finally realized the depth of her dark twisted soul and he had to leave and get away from her. He came here and the rest is history. Now he has to fight this dude to get everyone off his back.”

  “So what if he wins and what if he loses?”

  “If he wins, we all live happily ever after. If he loses, then I’m in for a world of hurt.”

  “Well, I’m not going to say I warned you this might happen….ok….I will. I told you this might happen because Rocky seemed a bit out of your league. I only cautioned you to keep you safe. You never listen to your mother!”

  “Sometimes I do. I haven’t eaten any pink burgers and I always used a condom.”

  “Ugh. I don’t want to know!” she yelled. I laughed.

  “Mom, I’m trying to make the best of a scary situation. My life has somehow turned into a TV movie of the week. It’s exciting. I’m not going to lie. But I’m not doing anything crazy. I’m still being cautious. Hopefully the fight will go well tomorrow and things will go back to normal.”

  “Ok. I hope it all goes smoothly and things work out for you, Violet. You know I love you and I’ll always be here no matter what stupid shit you get yourself into.”

  “Aw, thanks mom. I love you, too!” I hung up the phone and got a little teary.

  Rocky walked over to take a break from his training and he noticed me wiping my eyes.

  “Are you okay? Who were you talking to? Is something wrong?”

  “No, I’m fine. I just talked to my mom and Stella. Don’t worry, I didn’t tell them anything about who you all were. I mean about your mafia stuff. I just told them that you had to fight and that I was worried. Stella made me laugh and my mom told me she loved me and that she’d be there if I needed her. I needed to hear that from both of them. I miss them. I know it’s only been two days but I’m not used to this life. It’s all high stakes and ass loads of drama. I’m a ‘sit on the couch and read a book’ kind of girl. It’s taking a lot for me to get used to this. How do you do it?”

  I stood up and Rocky put his arm around me in a warm embrace. I rested my head on his chest and sighed. This was the comfort I needed.

  “It’s not something you ever get used to, Violet. It wears you out. In New York, it was go-go-go all the time. Every day someone had some new problem for me to fix. It ages you. Part of the reason I like Pineville is the slower pace. I can go off and be by myself and I don’t have to worry about little bullshit drama the way I used to. I’m too old for that shit now. I don’t miss that life. You never get used to it. I don’t want to go back to that. Hell, I don’t even want to be reminded of it. You have no idea how much I just want everything to go back to the way it was before Ursula set foot in town. I want to run my business and be with my girl. I want my biggest decision to be which movie to see when I’m on a date with you. I want you to go back to how you were,” Rocky admitted.

  “How was I?” Aside from having straight hair today, I pretty much felt like the same Violet I had always been.

  “You were more relaxed. Ok…you were never totally relaxed, but now you’re really on edge. I notice you stiffen up every time someone knocks on the door, because you’re afraid of who it might be. You look around more, worried about what will happen next. You’re kind of jumpy.”

  Really? I have every reason to be. I took a step back and looked up at him. “Two days ago I was planning what romantic surprise I could cook up for you next, and now I’m just praying that you’re not going to die tomorrow. I’m the same Violet on the inside, but every situation around me has taken a complete turn. Mob people are flying in left and right, violence is waiting around every corner, coke-heads and degenerate bitches are insulting me, and I don’t know who to trust. Up is down and backwards is forwards. I don’t handle change well at all. When the mailperson gives my package to the wrong house, it sends me into a fit….but this….this is asking a lot!”

  “I know, baby,” Rocky soothed. “You’re handling things way better than I thought you would. I give you a lot of credit. You’ve had a hell of a lot dumped on you these past few days. You had every right to run for the hills, but you haven’t. You stayed by my side through all of it. That means a lot to me. I know you’re upset, and I know this is way out of your comfort zone. It’s killing me to have to put you through this. I’ll make it up to you. I promise.”

  “Don’t worry about me, ok?” I sighed. “I’ll live.” I reached up and gave him a hug. “In addition to talking to Stella and my mom, I also talked to I
rina. She’s bringing food for lunch and she had the idea of grilling out.”

  “Good. I’m hungry. All this training worked up an appetite.”

  ------------------------------

  Irina and Vasily brought a car load of food. We had steaks, burgers, hot dogs, corn on the cob, and more food that wouldn’t even fit on the grill. Vasily was the grill master. We were all on the roof sitting in lawn chairs and lounging around waiting for the food to cook.

  “Violet does not eat pink meat, Vasily. Make sure her burger is well done and burnt to a crisp,” Sergio taunted. He was on his fourth beer and treating this gathering like a roof-top Fourth of July party instead of the day before the big face-off. I cut him a little slack because (1) he had a lot going on, what with his best friend about to participate in a major fight, (2) he had family problems with his cousin being a giant douche and (3) he barely got any sleep last night. He did look a little better, having taken a shower and put on fresh clothes. He wore a pair of blue jeans, fresh white running shoes, and a navy blue button down shirt. Although I noticed that the shirt was buttoned wrong.

  Dmitry was on his third beer. “Fuck that! I want my burger to MOO or I’m not going to eat it.” I have no idea why they were downing beers like it was a frat party. It was noon on a Thursday for crying out loud.

  “You two can shove your burgers up your asses, I’m having steak,” Vasily declared. He was also on beer number three. This wouldn’t have been so eventful, except for the fact that they started drinking about half an hour ago.

  “Why are you all chugging beers like they’re going out of style?” I asked.

  Sergio was happy to answer that. “Why the fuck not? It’s a beautiful day. I had three hours of sleep. I’m getting wasted. It’s beer o’clock, Violet. My brother thinks I’m a fuck up and my cousin thinks I’m lame. I haven’t seen my dad in two and a half years and I don’t even know if he cares or not. My best friend is going to get the shit beat out of him tomorrow…by the brother of the bitch who was directly responsible for the death of my brother. I had enough. I’m done dealing with reality. Now you motherfuckers better catch up to me. By my calculations, I’m ahead by one beer. Drink for being bitches!” Beer number four was polished off and thrown in a pile.