Toxic Secrets

by Jill Patten

  The next morning I woke up to what felt like someone playing with my hair. At first I thought it was just my imagination, but, as my senses woke up, I realized the movement was real. I didn’t want to move just in case it was some vicious cat or dog that I had not been introduced to yet. As I slowly opened my eyes, I was greeted with Jaxon’s, as blue as the sky on a clear day.

  Jaxon beamed at me. “Good morning, Princess.”

  The edges of my mouth curled up. I could wake up this way every morning for the rest of my life, and never get tired of the beautiful sight before me.

  I placed my hand over my mouth to block my morning breath. “Princess? What happened to Sweet Cheeks?”

  The sweet smell of mint swirled out of his mouth. “Princess suits you better when you’re sleeping. You look so serene, so graceful, and so pure. I could sit here and stare at you sleeping for hours.” The backside of his knuckles lightly stroked my cheek. He was staring at me without really looking at me. “You know sometimes it’s almost like you’re not real. I can see you, but not touch you.” It appeared as though his words had escaped him, that he was lost in a world a million miles away.

  “Jaxon, where are you?” I snapped my fingers in front of his face.

  His eyes blinked rapidly as he arrived back into the here and now. He smiled from embarrassment. “Sorry.”

  “Where did you go?” I cocked my head, curious as to where his mind had traveled to.

  He leaned up to place a chaste kiss on my forehead before climbing off the bed. “Just to the kitchen. I brought you some milk, fresh fruit, bacon, and sourdough toast for breakfast. The bacon and toast are probably cold now, but I didn’t want to wake you when you were sleeping so soundly.” He picked up the tray of food from the dresser and strolled over to me, taking his sweet time.

  It was plain to see that he was avoiding the question I was really asking. I decided to leave it alone for the time being, but sooner or later he was going to have to start opening up to me.

  Scooting myself back in the bed, I stuffed the pillows behind me so I could lean comfortably against the headboard. “Looks great. Thanks.”

  His lips turned up to one side, giving me that one dimpled grin I adored so much.

  Jaxon sat the tray in front of me then bent down for a kiss. My hand shot up in front of my face blocking his lips before they reached mine. I shook my head. “Uh ah, no kissing until I’ve brushed my teeth,” I garbled through my hand.

  “There is no way someone as sweet as you could turn sour by a little morning breath,” he laughed, “but have it your way.” He kissed the back of my hand instead. Quickly, I grabbed a piece of bacon and shoved it into my mouth to kill the rotten fumes before they could reach his nose. Jaxon shook his head, smiling hard at me and giving me both dimples.

  Without hesitation, I gobbled up my breakfast under the scrutiny of Jaxon’s eyes. He not only liked to watch me sleep, he seemed to enjoy watching me eat, too.

  I pushed the tray away from me. “So, what are the plans for today?” I asked. He plucked my napkin from my tray and swiped it along my chin, wiping up something I must have missed. The gesture was innocent, nothing out of the ordinary. Normally I would’ve been embarrassed for leaving traces of food on my face, but instead my heart skipped a beat from his nearness. The gentle way he touched me sent my chill bumps on guard. “Thanks,” I let out in a huff of air.

  “I’m sorry, but we have more training to do.”

  I groaned, frustrated.

  Oblivious to the way he just affected me, Jaxon took my tray, placing it back onto the dresser, then sat down beside of me on the bed. “But tomorrow, I was thinking we could go to Disneyland, or spend the day down on the beach, or I could take you into Hollywood, or we could watch a Dodgers game,” he rattled on, ticking each finger as he went. “Or we could be adventurous at somewhere like Knott’s Berry Farm or Raging Waters,” he added, shrugging his shoulders, seemingly content with any of the choices named.

  All those places sounded wonderful to me. Of course, anywhere with Jaxon would be exactly where I wanted to be. “Umm… well since I know very little about the places you just named, how about you pick and let it be a surprise?” I suggested with my eyebrows arched.

  “You got it,” he smirked, leaning his head in close to my face until his nose was within an inch of mine. “But, first, I need to discuss something very serious with you,” he said with so much magnitude.

  My breathing held still as his gaze hypnotized me. I nodded once to him, afraid to make any other movement. Although his voice was strong and stern, his eyes were feral, eating me alive with lust. “You make me fucking crazy. After what happened between us yesterday, and then to carry on throughout the rest of the day as if we are nothing more than friends…” He closed his eyes, squeezing them tight and latched onto my face with his warm hands. “It’s making me lose my mind.” He inhaled deep, a look of pain crept over his face. “I want to touch you. I want to kiss you. I want to let every fucking person I come in contact with know that we are together, and not just as friends,” he confessed. His long, black eyelashes opened up, outlining his baby blues. “I was miserable yesterday, Courtney. Do you know how many times I wanted to put my arms around you? How close I came to kissing you?” His lips covered mine, not giving me the chance to tell him how much I wanted him to kiss me as well. To hug me, to shower me with affection.

  His warm tongue skimmed along the seam of my lips. He wanted in, I wanted him in, but I couldn’t let him invade my dirty mouth. I broke the kiss and turned my cheek against his lips. Panting in his ear, I whispered, “Jaxon, I want all those things too, but I don’t know how you really feel about me. I feel like I barely know you.”

  He pulled away from me to study my face. His forehead creased as his eyes flickered back and forth to each of my eyes. “Has anyone ever told you your eyes sparkle like emeralds? The shade of green is so unique… beautiful,” he whispered.

  I nodded, “Yes, my mother tells me all the time. She says ‘babies born in May have eyes like the deepest green of an emerald, a hidden gem, born from all the April rain.’” We stared each other down in silence. Once again he was averting my question. I wasn’t going to let him this time. “Look, Jaxon, I like you. A lot. I’m physically attracted to you. You make me happy. You make me feel things I’ve never felt before—physically and mentally. You make me feel confident, attractive, and alive, but I’m confused. I’m confused because I feel like I don’t know who you are. I feel like you show me the person you want me to see, but there is another Jaxon that I’ve not met yet.”

  Instantly, he began clearing his throat. He was uncomfortable. He stood up and walked over to the fireplace keeping his back facing me. His arms were stretched out, defining every pound of muscle as his hands rested against the mantle, holding all his weight and whatever burdens he carried. I wanted to smack myself for turning a beautiful morning with him into an awkward confrontation. I didn’t know what to do, I just knew I was thankful that he didn’t run off this time and leave me again without discussing whatever issues we had looming over us.

  “Jaxon—”

  “What do you want to know, Courtney?” He snapped. “Do you want to know that I was raised by my grandmother because I killed my mother during childbirth, and my father hated me for it so he left me, never to return? Never to look for me? Never to meet his first and maybe only son? Are those the things you want to know?” He demanded, his shoulders rose and fell with each heavy breath he took. “Yes, there are things you don’t know about me, Courtney, but I’m trying to do you a favor. I don’t want to burden you with my past. My problems are for me to deal with, not you,” he said, his finger pointed at me.

  My heart ached for him. It hurt to have a non-existent father, I knew that. But to have one that hated you was gut-wrenching. Hopping off the bed, I ran over to him, wrapping my arms tightly around his waist. “We don’t have to talk about it anymore. It must’ve been painful for you to grow up without a fa
ther. I’m sorry to have brought any of this up.”

  He stood there motionless, his arms hung limp by his sides. The only movement he made was the heavy breaths he took. It hurt a little that he wouldn’t hug me back, but I also understood his frustration with me. I’d dug up a memory of his that he chose to keep buried in the back of his mind, a painful memory that he stashed away for a reason. His reason was to avoid the pain. It was evident with the agony all over his face.

  I held my grip on him and laid my head against his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat. “But I want to thank you, too. I want to thank you for staying in here with me, for not dodging my questions.” I took a chance and looked up at him. His gaze was staring off into no man’s land, his eyebrows furrowed and the corner of his lips drawn down into a frown. He was suffering alone… inside, and it killed me that he wouldn’t let me help him. I reached up and placed my palm against the stubble on his face, my thumb lightly caressing along the outside of his bottom lip. “Jaxon,” I whispered, hoping to draw his attention. “I like you a lot. Probably more than I should in such a short amount of time. I know I’m young and inexperienced and a lot of times naïve, but I feel something different with you, and I think I would like to know what it is,” I hesitated. “What I’m trying to say is that I think I would like to be more than your friend, too.”

  He ducked his head down gazing at me. His eyes shined from the slight presence of moisture. His body hunched over me, and I felt his arms slowly move around my waist. His hold grew tighter and tighter until my feet no longer touched the floor. He buried his face into my neck and placed feather-light kisses behind my ear. “I will open up to you, Courtney. It just has to be on my time. You have to wait until I’m ready, okay?” He asked lightly in my ear.

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  “Don’t be afraid, Court. I’m going to make you happy, I swear it. I will never do anything intentionally to hurt you.”

  He slowly released me, letting me slide down the length of his hard body. As I descended, I could feel every ripple, every groove of his rigid muscles. Once my feet touched the floor again, he bent down and placed a tender kiss on my lips. “I think we’ll head into Hollywood tomorrow. We can go to Universal Studios or we can see the former Grauman’s Chinese Theatre or do a little shopping in Beverly Hills. Whatever you guys want to do, I’m game,” he said, all signs of his distress wiped clear from his face.

  I hoped he followed through with his admission because, right now, the way his moods jumped around, I was worried I’d end up in the same situation I found myself in with Phillip. An unstable man was always a dangerous man.

  “Sounds great to me!” I said cheerfully.

  “You know, if you and Kendra get bored around here, I’ll leave the keys to my Jeep, and you two can take it into the city. Do a little sightseeing or go shopping. There are a lot of great stores in Coto.”

  Confused, I scrunched my eyebrows together. “But if we take the Jeep, what are you going to drive?”

  A pleasurable grin spread across his face, creating deep dimples. “I’ll drive Black Stallion.”

  “Huh?”

  He huffed, like I should know what he was talking about. “My restored, nineteen seventy-two Chevy truck. She’s my beauty. My baby. I would’ve introduced you already, but she gets jealous very easy,” he laughed. “Maybe one day you’ll get to meet her.”

  I shook my head at his silliness. “Oh brother, guys and their stupid toys with motors.”

  “I’ll go tell Reed and Kendra the plans and you go get your sweet ass ready,” he laughed, giving me a swat on my butt.

  Chapter 28 ~ Love Material

  Over the last four days, Jaxon and I seemed to have very little time to ourselves. I wasn’t sure if he was purposely avoiding alone time with me, or if maybe I was just expecting too much of him. A lot of the time, when we did have a moment alone, he kept his distance, like he was purposely being stand-offish. I missed him, though. I was growing accustomed to the security I felt while around him, and these feelings I was growing for him so quickly were scaring me.

  Kendra and I were left alone for most of the day while Reed and Jaxon spent long hours training at the bar. Even though Reed was days away from graduating with a business degree, Jaxon still wanted him to have ‘hands on’ experience. He felt he needed to get familiar with the ‘ins and outs’ of running a restaurant equipped with a bar and live entertainment. Knowing it was the main reason for us coming out here, I couldn’t help to feel selfish. I wanted time with Jaxon. Alone.

  He gave us the key to his Jeep and free reign to do whatever else, but we opted to spend our days in the sun. We wanted to go home with a natural tan instead of the fake one everyone else had to get during this time of year.

  Jaxon had his own little mini-water park. Aside from the pool, there was a swinging rope like the one we used to jump from by the river back home. There was also a spiraling tunnel slide and an open curvy slide, both emptying into the massive-sized pool. And then there was a lazy river that outlined the entire pool. That’s were Kendra and I liked spending most of our time.

  I felt like I’d been here for weeks, but, then again, it felt like time was moving at the speed of light.

  Kendra and I floated around Jaxon’s lazy river, soaking up those skin-wrinkling types of rays. According to Jaxon, the weather was warmer than the norm. He’d tried to convince me into believing it was all because of me, but I knew he was feeding me a line of crap. Still, I loved how he said things to me just to see a smile on my face.

  With a light breeze blowing and daydreaming about Jaxon, I was so relaxed lying on my stomach that I started to doze off.

  “So are you ever going to tell me about what’s going on with you and Jaxon, or am I gonna have to squeeze it out of you?” Kendra said, waking me up.

  I opened my eyes, squinting at her. She had a tight grip on the corner of my float, lying on her stomach facing me. Her eyebrow was arched waiting for me to answer. It didn’t take me but a second to refresh my sleepy eyes. Anytime I thought about physical contact with Jaxon, my heart began to flutter. “What do you want to know?”

  She gave me an obvious eye roll. “You know damn well what I want to know. Spit it out. I want it all. I want details of details,” she giggled.

  The smile that appeared on my face was unstoppable. “Wellll… let’s see,” I thought looking into the cloudless sky. “We’ve decided we want to be more than friends. I’m not really sure what that means or where we are headed, but I like it too much to stop.” Propping up on my elbows, I gushed with excitement. “He is so sweet to me, Kendra. Gah! The way he touches the small of my back when I’m near him, the way he laces his fingers in mine like it was second nature. He even smells me! I mean he literally presses his nose into my neck and sniffs.” My tone fell flat when my insecurity tapped on my heart. “It kind of scares me though because I’ve never had that. I worry that it’s too good to be true.” I flopped around onto my back nearly toppling off into the water.

  When a few droplets of water landed on my bare stomach, I was thankful the pool was heated. I challenged myself to be a little more daring by wearing the bright, yellow G-string bikini Jaxon had bought me yesterday. He thought he was being sneaky by not telling me about it. Instead, I found it this morning under my pillow with a little note laying on top of it, written in his chicken-scratch handwriting, ‘Please don’t be offended, but that prehistoric bathing suit of yours was boring me.’ I had yet to inform him of my discovery. Kendra nearly had a coronary when I removed my cover up. Surprisingly, she didn’t question me about it. Something told me that she already knew about it, especially since it was my favorite color. And that was something I’d never told Jaxon.

  “Hmm… interesting.”

  I looked at her curiously, “What’s interesting? Do you know something I don’t?” I said, shielding the sun with my forearm.

  “No! Not at all,” she smirked.

  “You lying ho! You better spill it
now, or I will flip you off that float and drown you.”

  Kendra had the look of fear in her eyes. Not because she was afraid of me drowning her, but because she was afraid of getting her hair wet. In her mind her hair was untouchable. You touch one strand and she’ll slice your fingers off without you ever feeling it. At least that’s what she threatens anyway. “Don’t even think about it. I’ll cut a bitch, and you know it,” she warned.

  I snickered at her. “Promises, promises. How many times have I heard that ceaseless threat? Just shut up and tell me what information you’re not telling me.”

  She peered up at me. “Courtney, I know you don’t have anything to worry about. His feelings for you are genuine. The way he watches you is so intense, it makes me jealous.” She wiggled her fingers around in the water chasing a bug away. “Reed and I were talking about it last night in bed. He notices it too.”

  I made a mental note to catch Jaxon staring at me when he didn’t think I was looking.

  Knowing Kendra as well as I did, I recognized the look on her face. It was a look of ‘I know something, but I don’t know if I should tell you.’ She was trying to decide whether or not she wanted to tell me. It didn’t make any sense why she had to ponder the matter, because she always ended up telling me. She opened her mouth then closed it, then opened it again. Here it comes.

  “I’m going to tell you something, and you better not breathe a word.”

  Blowing out an exasperated breath, I rolled my eyes. “I promise, scouts honor, blah, blah, blah. Just spit it out. You know I’m not going to say anything.”

  Kendra narrowed her eyes at me. “You’re such a bitch sometimes.”

  I grinned at her. “I know.”

  “Reed talked to Jaxon a little bit about you while they were training. You know how Reed can get protective of you?” I nodded. “Well he flat out asked Jaxon what his intentions are with you. He told him you’ve been through enough, and you don’t need another jerk to come along and trample on your heart.” I loved Reed. He had always been my brother from another mother. “Anyway,” Kendra continued, “Jaxon told him the feelings he’s developed for you are real. He said even though the situation sucks, meaning the age difference and distance, that, no matter how hard he’s tried, he can’t get you out of his head. He also said he was glad you were only staying here for a week because, if he spent any more time than that with you, he would be afraid of falling in love with you.” Kendra’s voice softened. “He says your love material.”