Shipping Sharon

by Daisy Dexter Dobbs

  Maisy opened the tin and Hershey became more attentive than ever as he began sniffing the air and licking his chops.

  "Aw, you don't want to do this, honey," Norman said as he spied the cache of chocolate candy in the tin. "You've come much too far to backslide now. You've got more respect for yourself than that." He reached in to seize a chocolate kiss and Maisy slapped his hand away.

  "Respect! Respect? Did you hear what's going on in there?" She pointed towards the living room where the three men were still gathered. They're in there talking about God knows what. No, scratch that. We already know they're talking about me. Hmmm, maybe Wilson's regaling Keller with the story about how Rudy supposedly pleasured me under the table in the restaurant!" She slapped her hand against the kitchen counter, rattling the three liqueur bottles and her tumbler.

  Norman cringed. "Maisy, I--"

  "My life is doing a slow, swirling flush down the toilet, and you--the person singly responsible for this entire mess--have the gall to ask me about self respect. Norman, you truly are insane, you know that?" Maisy took a deep breath and then chugged a good portion of the chocolate syrup-laced liqueur before turning back to Norman and heaving a shrug.

  "My life is ruined," she continued, unwrapping a Snicker's bar, "so why not eat my way back into obese oblivion? I'll never be able to face any of these people ever again as long as I live anyway--especially Keller."

  "Did I hear my name?" Keller said as he came around the corner.

  Maisy eyed Keller and began to swig from her tumbler of chocolate elixir.

  "What is that she's drinking? It looks like maple syrup."

  "Worse. Godiva," Norman answered, tsking. "Mixed with chocolate syrup."

  "Jeez." Keller shuddered. "Maisy, you'll make yourself sick with all of that sweet syrupy stuff. Not to mention what you'll be doing to . . . to your baby," Keller said in a strained voice.

  "Baby? Hah!" Maisy said before slurping back another big glug.

  "Keller," Norman said, "you don't understand. Maisy's not really preg--" Norman stopped abruptly when he saw Big Willy coming around the corner. "Uh, Keller's right, Maisy, you don't want to harm the baby." Norman punctuated the sentence with that damned infernal giggle of his.

  Maisy curled her lip at Norman and muttered something under her breath, finishing with, "You're worse than slug-slime, Norman. After my suicide-by-chocolate, I swear to God that I'm going to come back and haunt you until the day you die." She swigged from her tumbler again. "I'll make your life a living hell." She walked over to Norman, whose expression was forming into that familiar panicky grin, and jabbed her finger hard against his chest. "And don't you dare break forth with that maddening giggle of yours again, do you hear me? And never utter the phrase, Trust Me, ever again."

  "Feisty little lady you got yourself there, Rudy," Big Willy said, elbowing the German.

  "Ya, my little Maisy is--"

  "Shut up, Rudy," Maisy said, pointing at him as she downed the last of the liqueur. "You've already put both feet in your mouth tonight, there's no more room in there."

  Rudy immediately clamped his mouth shut, looking almost as if he wanted to cry.

  "Aw, jeez. Now see what you made me do, Norman?" Maisy said.

  "Me?"

  "Yes, you! The poor sweet guy is just trying to help me out of this screwy situation you hatched in that miniscule brain of yours because he cares for you so much, and now you made me go and hurt his feelings." Maisy's words were beginning to slur and she swayed a bit as she stood in place. "I'm sorry Rudy. You didn't deserve that."

  Big Willy scratched his head. "I think I'm missin' somethin' here. What are ya'll talking about, Maisy? You don't mean to tell me that there really is something to that hogwash about cousin Norman and this foreign fella bein' . . . bein' . . . Shoot. I can't even bring myself to say it. It makes my belly ache just thinkin' about it."

  "Of course not, Wilson. I'm just as straight as you are. Isn't that right, Keller?" Norman shot a pleading look Keller's way.

  Keller heaved a deep breath and rolled his eyes skyward. "Sure," he said, grinning and clapping Big Willy on the shoulder. "I was just joshing with you. Norman's a man's man if ever I saw one--a real lady killer."

  Big Willy looked mighty relieved as he swiped his hand across his forehead and gave forth with a resounding Whew!

  Norman mouthed a silent thank you to Keller and smiled. "Maisy didn't mean anything, Wilson," Norman said, placing his arm around his cousin's shoulder. "It's just the alcohol talking. She gets like this when she drinks." Norman tsked and shook his head. "Just rambles nonsensically.""I most certainly do not!" Maisy stated emphatically.

  "Yes you do," Norman and Keller chorused back to her.

  Looking wounded, Maisy gasped. "I resent that, gentlemen. I can handle my alcohol just as well as any of you can."

  "Yeah, I caught a glimpse of your amazing fortitude twice now, as I recall," Keller said with a gleam in his eye.

  "Oh," Maisy said. "Well--" She hiccupped and giggled. "That's because I didn't have any experience with alcohol then."

  "Like you do now," Keller added.

  Maisy nodded confidently. "Exactly." And then she hiccupped again.

  "You know how novice drinkers are, Wilson," Norman said, tsking again.

  Big Willy nodded. "'Specially the ladies," he said, chuckling. "Can't hold their liquor none too well."

  "Right," Norman agreed with a nod. "Maisy rambles when she's had too much to drink. Like I said before, pay no attention to her," Norman insisted.

  Big Willy looked at the swaying woman and shrugged, seemingly accepting Norman's explanation. "Anyway, listen, Maisy, I gotta run. I just wanted to stop over here on my way to pick up that cute little filly you and cousin Norman fixed me up with."

  He winked and Maisy poured the rest of the contents from the Bailey's bottle into her glass, which amounted to just under a cup.

  "Oh boy, here comes the really good part, Keller," she slurred with a laugh. "Wait'll you hear this. You're going to hate me forever." She paused to hold out her hands and flex her fingers.

  Walking to Maisy, Keller shook his head and put his arm around her shoulder, rubbing her arm in a comforting manner. "Maisy, I might be completely confused and I might be angry, but I can promise you that I'll never hate you. Now what are you doing with your hands?"

  Teetering in place, she continued to flex and examine her outstretched fingers for another moment and then turned to Keller. "Hmmm, I see that my hands and fingers are still working, so it seems I'm not dead yet, so . . . cheers," she said as she gulped back half of what she poured out, following it with another bite of her chocolate bar.

  Keller shook his head and groaned. "Aw, Maisy, I don't even want to think about how you're going to feel in the morning."

  "No problem. I will feel nothing because I will be dead. Chocolatcide," she said, laughing. "Like suicide, but all done with chocolate. What a way to go!" She took another bite of chocolate and made satisfied little sounds as she savored it.

  "She surely is cute and funny when she's tipsy, ain't she?" Big Willy jumped in. "I think you'll be getting' lucky tonight, Rudy." He jiggled his eyebrows. "Know what I mean?" The silence in the room was deafening. Big Willy shrugged and continued, "Anyways, I just wanted to thank Maisy and cousin Norman for makin' me the happiest cowpoke alive, that's all." Winking, he pointed an imaginary pistol at Norman and Maisy.

  Norman licked his lips apprehensively and walked over to Big Willy, placing his hand against his cousin's back. "Why don't I walk you out to your car and you can tell me all about it," he said, trying to steer Big Willy out of the kitchen and away from Maisy and Keller.

  "Heck, no, cousin. I want Maisy to hear this, too--whether the little filly is tipsy or not." He laughed. "Now I know this might sound like fast work, but when true love hits, it hits fast and hard I always say. Sharon and I spent the afternoon together getting' to know each other--real good, if ya know what I mean," he elbowed Keller and wink
ed. "I want the two of you to be the first to know that I've decided to ask the little lady to be my bride and move to Saudi Arabia with me."

  "What?" Norman gasped. "After only knowing each other for a few hours?" Big Willy nodded enthusiastically. "Jeez," Norman added, "that was easier than I thought."

  "What's that, cousin?" Big Willy said.

  "Nothing. Forget it." Norman grinned.

  "We're shipping Sharon to Saudi Arabia!" Maisy shouted, hoisting her tumbler in the air and taking another swig. "Whooppee!"

  "Congratulations to you and Sharon, Big Wilson," Rudy said, grasping the cowboy's hand and pumping. "I hope you will be very happy together in the desert."

  "Thanks Rudy. Once me and my new lady get set up out there I'll have to try that sexy little pleasuring-under-the-table trick you were doin' to Maisy at the restaurant last night," Big Willy said. "She certainly seemed to be enjoyin' that." He grinned, winked, and elbowed Rudy.

  Norman slapped his hand over his face and groaned, while Keller uttered an incredibly colorful and imaginative string of obscenities as he pounded his fist against the back of a chair.

  "So it was you making out with Maisy last night, after all," Keller said to Rudy.

  Rudy's eyes nearly jiggled as the poor guy nervously looked from Keller to each of the others and stammered.

  "Yup, that was Rudy all right," Big Willy said, motioning towards the German. "Them two lovebirds couldn't keep their hands off each other all night. Whew, yes indeed, they were goin' at it hot and heavy."

  "Lord," Maisy pleaded, looking skyward, "why am I still here? Have mercy on me and get me out of here, will ya? Just let me slip into a chocolate induced coma and never wake up."

  Keller looked from Rudy to Maisy and threw his hands up into the air. "That's it. I'm outta here." He turned and started to walk to the front door when Rudy grabbed his arm.

  "No--wait. It is not what you think, Keller," Rudy offered, tugging on Keller's arm. "Please . . . I cannot let Maisy's dreamboat sail away. You must let me explain . . . later. You will stay, ya?" he said, giving Keller a gentle, but firm enough push so that he plopped onto one of the oak kitchen stools.

  "Keller, you can't go," Maisy pleaded. "We haven't had our dessert yet." Giggling, she jiggled her brows and tried to wink. "Remember?"

  "You guys are a barrel of fun with all your kiddin' around, but," Big Willy glanced at his steer horn design watch, "I've gotta go or else I'll be late. I got a big evenin' planned." He winked and elbowed Keller again. 'Hey, cousin, maybe you can help me out here. I'm driving myself tonight and I need some directions to the little lady's house." He pulled a business card from his jacket pocket and held it out it to Norman. "She wrote her address on here and, for the life of me, I can't figure how to get there from Maisy's place."

  As the card made its way from Big Willy to Norman, Keller caught site of it and gasped. He grabbed the card and studied it.

  "Oh no," Norman muttered.

  "Sharon Chaney," Keller read in astonishment. "This is Sharon's business card."

  "Well, dang, that's what I been trying to tell y'all," Big Willy said. "She's the sweet little filly I been goin' on about all night. You know her?"

  "Know her? She's my sister!"

  Maisy chose that point in time to grasp her tumbler, slide down against the side of the kitchen cabinets, and sit unceremoniously on the kitchen floor. As she slurped what was left of the Bailey's in her glass, she made a valiant attempt to fight off Hershey, who wanted his share. "Bye-bye, Sharon," she mumbled, waving.

  "Well, fancy that! Ain't this a small world," Big Willy said as he slapped Keller on the back. "So then you must know Norman here from the days when him and your sister were a hot item, huh?"

  "What?!" Keller's jaw dropped.

  "Oh God," Norman managed through a pained groan as he slapped his hand to his face and peeked at Keller through spread fingers.

  "Aw, don't worry none, Keller, I know it's all supposed to be hush-hush," Big Willy said, "so I ain't about to spill the beans. Heck, sometimes former lovers end up despisin' each other like that. I promise I won't never let on to your sister that Norman and Maisy set her and me up together."

  Cocking his head, Keller's eyebrows arched in interest. "Norman and Maisy, huh?"

  Big Willy shook his head and laughed. "'Course, I know that Sharon and Maisy don't get along none too well cause of sharin' the same husband, neither. Funny, ain't it?"

  "Hysterical," Keller agreed, as his perplexed expression morphed into an amused smirk.

  "Yup, "Big Willy continued, "Cousin Norman is Sharon's former lover, and Maisy is Sharon's dead husband's former wife." Big Willy scratched his head. "Whew, things sure do get mighty complex."

  A grin tickling his features, Keller looked first at Norman, who was doing his best to evaporate into thin air, and then down at Maisy who was licking the inside of her tumbler. "Well, with good old cousin Norman orchestrating things," Keller said, "you can just about bet on things getting complex."

  "Uh-oh, Norman," Maisy uttered in a failed attempt at a whisper, "now Keller knows about our big secret plan to ship Sharon to Arabia."

  "Take another bite of that Snickers bar and keep quiet, Maisy," Norman said, letting forth with a horrendous giggle as Keller gave him the eye.

  A contemplative look across his features, Keller stroked his jaw for a minute or two and then turned to Big Willy.

  "Hey, Willy--"

  "Big Willy."

  "Right," Keller said, waving his hand in dismissal. "Were you by any chance at my sister's real estate office this afternoon--driving a car with a giant steer horn hood ornament?"

  "Sure thing, buddy. Ain't that Caddy a real honey? You should hear the horn--plays the first few bars of the Yellow Rose of Texas."

  "Definitely one of a kind. I'm curious--why were you at the real estate office?" Keller continued to prod.

  Norman jumped in quickly. "He was there because--"

  Keller held up his hand like a crossing guard signaling a stop. "Uh-uh. I want to hear it from your cousin, Norman, not you."

  "I was afraid of that," Norman muttered.

  "It was all cousin Norman's idea."

  "Gee," Keller said, "what a surprise.

  "Kinda killed two birds with one stone," Big Willy continued. "I needed someone to take care of my real estate business before I go to live with them A-rabs in the desert, and I also needed someone to replace the gapin' hole little Maisy left in my heart when she went and married Rudy. Cousin Norman was kind enough to tell me about this little filly he used to bed." Big Willy paused. "No disrespect intended to your sister, Keller."

  "I understand," Keller said with a nod.

  "So, anyway, cousin Norman thought we'd be perfect for each other. And, damned if the boy wasn't right. Yeehaa!"

  "Yeehaa!" Maisy echoed from the floor.

  "And the added bonus," Big Willy continued, "is that I hear tell your sister's a sharp little cookie in real estate."

  "That she is." Keller nodded and a slow grin inched across his lips. "You know, believe it or not, I think I'm actually beginning to understand what's going on here." A moment later, Keller broke into a rip-roaring bout of laughter. He looked at Norman, who was positively green, and then at Maisy, who was green also--but for entirely different reasons, and he laughed harder.

  "Operation Shipping Sharon," Keller said through his laughter. "Brilliant--I love it."

  Maisy and Norman whipped their heads towards Keller and chorused, "You do?"

  Rudy expelled a whooshing sigh of relief. "This is good. Everything is happy and okay now, ya?" he asked hopefully.

  Keller wiped the tears away from his eyes. "You," he said, wagging an outstretched finger at Rudy, "still have some explaining to do, Mr. Schwarzenegger. And I can't wait to hear the details." Keller turned back to Big Willy. "And Norman was absolutely right, Big Willy. I can't think of anyone who'd be more compatible with my sister than you, ol' buddy." He placed his arm around the Texan's s
houlder and gave him a buddy hug. "The two of you were definitely made for each other--an ideal pairing if ever there was one," he finished, working hard to control his rising laughter. "And how long will you be living out there in Saudi Arabia?"

  "Oh, 'least five years I'm bettin'. They're letting me have the palace for as long as I want it. I just hope your sister sees fit to say yes to my offer of marriage."

  "Palace?"

  "Yup, they're settin' me up real spiffy--with servants and the whole shebang. Them A-rabs know they better treat Big Willy real good, else he'll take his millions of American dollars right back to the good ol' U S of A."

  "Does Sharon by any chance know she'd be living in a palace out there?" Keller asked. "And that you're a millionaire?"

  "Multimillionaire," Big Willy corrected proudly as he nodded. "Yup, that little filly's eyes lit up real big and sparkly when she heard that."

  "I'll just bet they did." Keller laughed. "Don't worry. If I know my sister, she'll say yes faster than--"

  "A Texan can guzzle a keg of moonshine."

  "Just what I was going to say," Keller said, grinning.

  "Well, hot diggity-dog! Guess that means you and me'll be family, huh, brother?"

  "Yup, I guess it does. Can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to that," Keller said, squelching his rising laughter. "But you can't tell my sister that I know about any of this, Big Willy. We don't want to get her dander up and have her run out on you like Maisy did, do we . . . brother?"

  "Hell no." Big Willy stepped around to where Maisy was sitting, bent down and said, "Pardon the profanity, Maisy."

  She graced him with one of those wide, vacant, inebriated smiles and nodded. "You are pardoned."

  Turning back to Keller, he continued, "I understand how touchy these things can be. Don't worry, your sister Sharon ain't never gonna know that you and me met each other here tonight. What the little lady don't know won't hurt her, right?" He winked at Keller, who winked back and smiled.

  "Right."

  "Right," Maisy echoed gleefully and then hiccupped. "Buh-bye Sharon!"

  * * *