Sweet Venom (Crazy in Love #1)

by Kirsty-Anne Still

  “I got you these,” Liam says, sitting on the coffee table in front of me, unapologetic for disrupting my internal thoughts. A feeling of nostalgia washes over me, watching him sit before me. He leans forward, uncurling his hand. “Doc said you’d need them until you decide to get some help. You can’t handle withdrawal without help.”

  I laugh lowly, partly due to shame as I take an orange pot, the label saying Vicodin. Ashley forced me to go without, cursing a new hell upon me, but I now know my dependency on the drug isn’t healthy.

  “I told him I’d get you help,” he says, almost sheepishly. “If you’ll let me.”

  I give him a reassuring smile. “I wouldn’t know how to function without them,” I admit, a blush grazing my cheeks.

  “Then it’s time we found out.” He puts the pill in my hand, closing my hand around it. “When you’re better, we’ll deal with it.”

  I hope he’s right because I don’t think I can deal with it alone.

  I spent months learning how to deal with the pain the burns inflicted on me, the consequences to my nerves and the lack of feeling in parts of my body are not easily overcome which is when I fell victim to Vicodin. I enjoyed how it felt when it finally gripped my bloodstream. It was a euphoria I could survive in. When times got difficult, that was always the thing I could fall back onto. Like Lawson used to be, that drug made life bearable when it was anything but.

  “When they said you were hurt I didn’t give a shit about the plan,” he admits, looking down at his hands instead of at me. “I didn’t care if you freaked or you hated me … I just had to be in there with you.”

  “If I couldn’t have Lawson … I’d rather have you,” I admit, showing him that nothing’s changed between us, but I know things will have shifted astronomically for him and Lawson. “He won’t forgive easily, but he will forgive you.”

  “I sure hope so because right now, I don’t think he will,” Liam says, looking up at me with genuine fear in his eyes. “When Leo told me the plan I thought it was bullshit, and I did decline, but then he left me with all the information Seamus finally found, and I couldn’t dispute that the plan was the only way. She was destructive, and she was unforgivin’ with her plans, and I couldn’t let her have any longer in this family than she’d already been granted.”

  “So, my jealous ex look wasn’t all bad,” I object, giving a heavy eye roll. “Everyone thought I was the crazy one, but I never stood a chance with her.”

  “From what I heard you took a plank of wood to her face after a good beating, taking a bullet, and being off those meds for too long,” he jokes, looking reasonably impressed with me. “I forgot how much I used to love seein’ you give a good fight.”

  I grin, blushing at the thought. “That seems like a past life now. It all does.”

  “Why does this seem like you’re givin’ up?” he asks, cocking a brow.

  I spent a long time watching him at the hospital, lost in the drowsiness I was feeling and the disbelief that it was over. I watched him as he awkwardly tried to make everything okay when he knew it wasn’t. I only watched him closely because I felt like some miracle had happened. Lawson dying was something we wouldn’t heal from, and I couldn’t stop myself from realizing how lucky we had gotten. Regardless, what anyone else thought when I hugged him it was out of gratitude. I was thankful we didn’t have to mourn him anymore. That we got a new chance.

  “I guess it is,” I lowly admit, my voice becoming hoarse. “You saw it when I got into that room to be with Lawson,” I say, remembering how concerned I was and how ready I was to be in his arms and while I got that wish it soon died. “Whatever good that was for.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well,” I start, shrugging as a lump forms in my throat. “We can’t come back from this.”

  “Says who?!” he exclaims, looking horrified.

  “I do,” I reply and find myself unable to shake the tears. “I hurt him, Liam. More than anyone ever could. I can never make up for that, and I don’t expect him to forgive me. Before I did … I thought me comin’ home would just solve every issue, but it doesn’t. It just makes it worse.”

  I hiccup, and I struggle to get myself under control.

  “Hey,” he says, grabbing my hand in his, supporting me. “He needs you … just as much as you need him.” He gives me a small grin, one that gives more support than a thousand words. “Don’t pass up this opportunity when you’ve both lost so much already. You might not be able to make up for what’s happened, but you can make up a new future for you both.”

  “I don’t know,” I doubt.

  “Just listen to me for a moment,” he argues, clearing his throat. “I knew if I died, Lawson would need the next best person to support him … and that was you.” He withdraws, looking around before leaning back in. “And while I hated Leo for exploiting those videos and photos, I’m glad he did. You never went through that recovery easy, and it wasn’t just because of your injuries, but because you knew every step of the way you were hurtin’ the one man you know you’ll only ever be able to love.” He breathes a huge sigh. “I’m glad Lawson finally saw that.”

  I bite my lip, trying to see his sense, but I can’t help but feel it only extorted his feelings further.

  “Liam,” Lawson says, breaking the moment. “Do you mind if I have a moment with Eden, please?”

  Liam looks at me, stuck between whether to leave or not. I give him a small head nod, and he gives me a wink. I know it will take time to forgive him for a lot, I can’t be angry with him. Liam being alive was the best outcome for everyone, I just hope the others see that fact before it’s too late.

  Slowly, Lawson gingerly lowers himself onto the edge of the couch, making sure not to jolt me too much.

  “I’m not going to break,” I say, teasing him gently. “I’m made of tougher stuff, and you know it.”

  “I know,” he admits, looking nervous. “I just wanted to say sorry.”

  “Don’t do that, Lawson,” I reply, cutting him short. “Don’t act like the guilty party here.”

  “Well, aren’t I?” he asks, that anger still sitting firmly in his voice.

  “No way,” I say, reaching out to him. “Lawson … you did what you were due. You opted to fall in love.” It doesn’t hurt quite as much as it did to say that. “For whatever it’s worth, I’m pleased she made you feel again. I’m so fuckin’ grateful she gave you that fire back.”

  “You did that,” he tells me, interlocking his fingers with mine. “You comin’ back started a fresh shit storm, but I couldn’t have been more thankful for you coming back.” He swallows, looking at his hand in mine. “And I know I was harsh in the beginnin’, there was never some slim choice of us getting together.” He looks back up, a lighter look to his beautiful blue eyes. “She was never going to be you ... no matter how much I hoped and prayed. I was only ever going to compare her.”

  “Well, you need to stop that,” I tell him, bravely say. “No comparisons needed.”

  There are a thousand words I can speak.

  “Eden,” my name breaks the tension, and my heart plummets.

  I look to my right, straight at the face of the last person I expected to see. My mother stares at me with the first bout of concern since my attack. It’s stifling to look, and I want nothing more than to throw my arms around her and allow her to soothe my every ache.

  “I think I’m going to go outside,” I say, finding the room becoming overcrowded. Lawson moves, understanding me more than anyone else as he allows me to get up. “Too many people in here,” I grouse, regrettably shifting my weight, awakening the pain in me.

  “Eden,” she says, stepping forward, her hands coming out to help me.

  “I don’t need your help,” I admonish, fighting my way up regardless of all the eyes watching me.

  “You’re strugglin’,” she says, stepping closer. “Let me help, please.” I can see she’s struggling, but I can’t forgive her. “I’m sorry it took me so
long to realize how unfair I have been to you.”

  “No! Don’t do that!” I argue, shaking her off. “Don’t act sorry.” I watch her eyes fill with tears, pain adding heaviness to the threat of an onslaught. “You lost your husband that night; I get it. I understood the pain you were in, but while you decided you never had a daughter, I was the one that had to lose both her mom and dad.” I flare my nostril, feel the agony pierce my chest as I finally get to vocalize my hurt. “And I knew I deserved it.”

  “You didn’t,” she says. Finally, all of the compassion I hoped every day for is here for me, but I can’t accept it. “I was wrong for how I behaved, but you didn’t deserve anythin’ that happened.”

  “I did. You were right. You were right about everythin’,” I tell her, showing her that I take the full blame. “I don’t deserve anyone loving me anymore … and I’ve grown to realize that.”

  “Don’t lie,” she admonished, rebuking my heartbroken claim instantly. “I failed you, Eden. I stopped supportin’ you long before that attack, but I was scared. Your father was dead, and it was better to disassociate than to stick by you. You were the easiest person to blame when we had no one else to.”

  “And that’s meant to make me feel better?” I scold, not able to withhold the hurt. “That’s meant to make up for the pain and the sufferin’ I had to endure?” I question, not really expecting an explanation. “It doesn’t even come close, okay? I quickly forgot what my own mother looked like while I lay in that hospital bed and you chipped bits of me away. My mom was always lovin’ and carin’ and did everythin’ for her kids. Regardless, she was always on their side. But you sure showed me what it was like to be an enemy.”

  “Eden,” she starts.

  “You didn’t even let me say goodbye to him!” I argue, exploding with all of my pain filled emotions. “You took that right away from me, mom!” My anger causes my ribs to seize with pain, the tension pulsating in my wounded shoulder. “I lost him, too, but the difference was I watched as I lost him knowin’ I couldn’t do anything to save him! They made sure I would endure every bit of that punishment and, boy, did they succeed.”

  “I know,” she whispers, her sobs swallowing her voice. “I know, and I’ll regret that for the rest of my life, but I can’t keep living like this.”

  “You helped make it easier to leave,” I argue, not listening to her. I just want to free myself of the pain I’m in. “As if the threat on Lawson wasn’t enough, my mother torturin’ me every time she begrudgingly entered my hospital room really tipped me over the edge … and you want me to just wrap my arms around you and let you help me … finally.”

  “Eden,” Leo says softly, coming in to stand with my mother. “I paid your mother a visit. She’s willin’ to get help. It’s the first time she’s listened to anyone, but she’s willin’ to do anythin’ ... for you.”

  Her willing nature isn’t enough when I know that the resentment she held for me had to derive from somewhere real and raw. The hate she allowed to cement in her every word and action isn’t something that can just be let go of.

  I know I’m weakening and I know running isn’t an option. I can hide from this, so I decide to cut myself open and bleed for her. To cure the pain, she helped push upon me; she has to witness it all. Every time I saw her after getting discharged from the hospital, I hardened myself, forced the coldness to take me over, but I can’t do that anymore. I’m tired of that fight.

  “I’d do anythin’ to make you love me again,” I say, my admittance hollow and void of emotions as I tire.

  “Oh, Eden,” she says, her eyes softening more. “You don’t have to do anything’.”

  “I do,” I say, flaring my nostrils as my breathing starts to race. “It’s not that easy to just get over what happened, and I can’t just forgive you,” I say, angrily wiping my tears away, pressing them into my skin. “I can’t just forget it all happened.”

  “That’s not what I’m expectin’ at all,” she tells me, her tone softening. “I just need a chance to make it right.”

  “Give me the chance to think about it,” I ask without expecting a response. She has to give me the time to wrap my head around it. “I need some air,” I say turning away from them. “Before I totally lose my shit.”

  I navigate my way around Frazer and Nate, ignoring Tess and Alex and gingerly work toward the large patio doors. I never understood why we always came out here to get space, but the moment the cool air fills my lungs I realize I’m no longer gasping for air. Instead, I can breathe freely, without prejudice and I can finally feel sense settling upon my shoulders.

  Going to the seating area, I gently sit down, keeping my back to them all as I look out at the skyline. I take in the life of the city before I allow my shoulders to fall and my tears to pour.

  “You and Lawson should write this area off to other users,” Liam jokes, his voice getting closer. I rub my tears away as I prepare for some fresh pep talk. He drops into the seat opposite, looking at me casually as if nothing’s happening. “I know what she put you through was horrible, but you always wished she would come back to you.”

  “And I got it,” I remark, bitterly. “After nearly dyin’ … again.”

  He’s lost for words as he watches me. Sitting here, with the breeze whipping around me, I feel most at peace. The storm raging in me is settling as my every decision is finally boiling down to one.

  “My dad always used to say this one quote … that two souls were created together and in love before they were born ... I believed that in every second I was with Lawson.”

  "And now? Do you still believe that?" Liam asks, leaning forward, intrigued by what I have to say.

  "You can't rewrite history," I say, offering him the tiniest of smiles. “I don’t know if it still stands.” I clear my throat, losing the sentimentality and harden myself for what I’m about to do. “I think it would be best for Lawson if he had a real shot at life ... without me holdin’ the threat of comin’ home to him.”

  “You're leavin’?!” he gasps, sitting up sharply.

  I nod, finding I hate myself for my selfishness. “I have a flight at eight tonight.”

  “Where to?” he asks, pressing for the details.

  “If I told you, I'd have to kill you,” I say, beginning to move. “I thought about stayin’.”

  “Did you?” he asks, allowing himself the resentment. “Because I don’t think you did. We just got everythin’ on the straight and narrow.”

  “No, we haven’t,” I chide, shaking my head in dismay. “You two need to mend your friendship. You can’t do that when he feels he has to mend bridges with me, too. So, I’m leaving … he deserves the chance to really recover.”

  “Why do I feel like you hate yourself for this decision?” he asks, and I hate him for his perceptive nature.

  “Am I that obvious?” I ask, releasing a humorless laugh. “Anyway, that doesn’t matter!” I explain, but Liam’s look on me grows more incredulous by the minute. “I want him to have a chance to live properly, Liam. He deserves the chance to do that.”

  “And you’ll just leave it all behind … like it meant nothin’,” he says, brandishing his hurt openly.

  “It meant everythin’,” I argue, but even my conviction is unbelievable. I reached into the back pocket of my jeans, pulling a square piece of folded paper. I toss it onto the table, and he grabs it with disdain. “I managed to write this at the hospital. Just give him that and tell him that he deserves the goodbye.”

  “This isn’t a goodbye,” he scolds, holding the paper up.

  “A letter is the only way,” I tell him. “I’m too weak to do it any other way,” I admit, losing all strength. “I’ll be gone without him even realizing.”

  “Just like before,” Liam gripes, his jaw clenching.

  “Not like before,” I say, finding it hard to keep my tears at bay. “He has my goodbye. He already knows my reasons.”

  Once they all start to settle, I’ll slip away.

>   This time forever.

  I counted all the ways my life could become completely fucked up.

  This wasn’t one of them.

  It didn’t matter how many people told me she fooled them; I can’t get over the humiliation now deep rooted in me from Ashley’s deceit. It’s worse than what I felt after Eden disappeared following my proposal.

  Obviously now, that loses its ferocity becoming paler in comparison.

  Eden’s treachery had her reasons – forgivable ones at that. Ashley was out to benefit herself however she could do so.

  God, Eden.

  I’ve barely been able to look at her since we got home from the hospital without wanting to take her and run. When I found her in that warehouse, worn and broken, I wanted nothing more than to forget the rest of the world.

  Now, however, I have no idea how to make this up to her. She tells me not to apologize, to not feel an ounce of guilt, but how do I not? I was the one that decided to go against my dad’s wishes and pursue something – anything – with her. I saw her as some beacon of hope but all she was to me was a siren to hell, and I never knew until it was almost too late.

  Taking a bullet was the least I could do to seek penance.

  I had a million ways to make it up to Eden, but I hadn’t a clue which one was the right option.

  All I knew was that I didn’t want to do my life without her and I didn’t want to watch her leave again. Many would say I was crazy, but I’d know they’d never have loved someone like I did Eden. It was enduring and painful, but I knew it would only be worth it if it were mine for eternity.

  I was at a total loss how to secure that.

  Hearing a knock on the open door, I groan, rubbing my brow.

  “Just give me five minutes,” I object, protesting to the thought of being with anyone right now.

  “I thought you’d be somewhat happy I’m back,” Liam jests, unmoving from the doorway.

  I look up at him, every inch of his alive being, and I can’t help but disbelieve it. After all, he died, and now I can’t begin to believe how they managed it. They arranged the perfect death. Between them fooling a roomful of people.