Hate to Love You

by Ivy Symone

  She and I sat on the back of her building breezeway steps and openly spied on the girl’s apartment. The white SUV was definitely parked outside of the apartment.

  “Who else was with him?” I asked.

  “I think only Quan but Ranessa down there with him,” Nikki explained.

  “And you’re sure it’s Marcos and not Gogo?”

  “Gogo got hair; Marcos don’t. I know the difference between the two.”

  “I should just go down there and knock on the door,” I said.

  “All he’s gonna do is embarrass you,” she said. “I mean, Marcos cool to an extent. But beyond that I wouldn’t trust his ass. He got too much money to wanna be just tied down with you. Guys like him have plenty of women. You can’t even go to a club with him.”

  She was right.

  “Besides, has he said y'all go together?” she asked.

  “He’s said that I belong to him.”

  “That’s not the same as y'all going together. He can claim you and every other female in this city,” she said. “I bet he telling Lisa the same thing.”

  I wanted to cry. I wanted to believe I was special to him. I should have never given in. My young heart wasn’t equipped for it. I was just gonna end it. I got up and took off down the hill to the other apartment building.

  “Nephia!” Nikki called out to me. “Don’t be stupid!”

  “I’m not,” I said. “I just want him to know I see him.”

  “And what’s that gonna do?”

  Hell, I didn’t know. I wanted him to know I was hurt.

  I got to 1101K and knocked on the door. I was glad it was pretty early because no one was really out to witness this.

  The door opened and there was the girl. She was a dark skinned ghetto fabulous girl that I had seen around with Ranessa before. She stood aside with a smirk allowing me a full view of Marcos sitting on her sofa, shirtless.

  “Marcos, it’s your little friend,” she taunted.

  “Who?” he asked not bothering to even look my way.

  Lisa stepped out of the way so he could see me.

  His face frowned up when he saw me standing at the door. His eyes returned back to the television before him. He simply said, “Go back home, Nephia.”

  Really? So this was how he was gonna do me? I wasn’t going to argue and make a fool out of myself in front of this girl and Ranessa.

  Fuck it! I had to.

  “What is this, Marcos?” I asked.

  “Didn’t I tell you to go home?” he snapped.

  “I wanna talk to you!”

  “I don’t. Now get the fuck on,” he said angrily.

  Lisa snickered finding it all humorous.

  Ranessa said, “Damn, why don’t her young ass get it? That’s why you can’t mess with young girls.”

  Lisa shook her head.

  “Marcos?” I queried desperately. I wasn’t thinking about Lisa or Ranessa.

  I’m not sure what he grabbed from that girl’s end table but I didn’t stand there long enough for it to hit me. It shattered once it contacted with the door and the threshold. I could hear Lisa fussing and going off while Ranessa laughed.

  Marcos snarled, “Shut the goddamn door on her ass!”

  I turned away and walked off like a dog with my tail tucked between my legs. Nikki was right there to console me and let me know it was going to be alright. But it wasn’t. Because the day I was telling him about Kenny, I should have been telling him I hadn’t had a period since we’ve been having sex. Now I was really messing my life up; all because of his lies.

  I didn’t even feel like staying and talking to Nikki anymore. I caught a cab back to Cayce. Instead of going straight into the house, I walked up to the community center and swung on the swings. I cried for a while and blamed myself for everything. I had to get back focused the way I was before Marcos. But now a baby would be in the picture.

  ______

  After that incident, I didn’t hear from Marcos until two weeks later. He showed up over my mama’s house early one Sunday morning. He was by himself. He rarely came inside but he did this time.

  “What’s your problem?” he asked me. His brow was pinched in a scowl.

  “I ain’t got one,” I said sitting down on my bed, placing a pillow over my stomach.

  “So, why ain’t you called me?”

  “Why would I call you after you treated me like you did?”

  “How did I treat you?”

  I cut my eyes at him and sucked my teeth. “Don’t be stupid, Marcos.”

  “Neph, I ain’t your man so I don’t know why you came to that girl house like that anyway,” he explained.

  My mouth dropped open in disbelief. “Are you serious?”

  “We ain’t no fucking couple.”

  I could feel the burn of tears forming. I pouted, hugging my pillow closer. “Okay, we’re not a couple. This was why I never wanted to get involved with you or any other boy because all y'all do is break girls’ hearts and use them.”

  “I didn’t use you,” he said.

  “Then what was it, Marcos?”

  “Shit, every fuckin’ thing we did was mutual. You wanted it just as much as I did. Hell, you got compensated for it. So how I use you?” he asked.

  I shrugged and lowered my head in sadness. “I guess you’re right.”

  “To be honest, I was never supposed to fuck your little young ass. I fucked up. The shit was wrong but that young pussy of yours was calling.”

  I looked at him intently. “So you knew it was wrong to be messing with me?”

  “You were too young,” he said.

  “So what now?” I asked.

  “Usted calcula que mierda fuera niña. Here, just give me my damn phone and pager back.”

  My mouth dropped open in disbelief again. Without arguing, I retrieved his stuff and threw it at him.

  “Hey!” he shouted sternly. “No need for the fuckin’ attitude. You know I can’t keep fuckin’ with you.”

  “You coulda fooled me!” I cried. “You didn’t want another nigga in my face and I was supposed to be all yours, but you had the freedom to be with whoever you wanted to be with.”

  “Shut up, Nephia,” he said annoyed. “Another reason I came by here was to let you know I’m about to go to Colombia for a little while. I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

  “Bye,” I said with an attitude.

  “Fuck you too, Nephia,” he said nonchalantly. He got up to leave. Before he walked out of my room he stopped at my chest of drawers. He was messing with something but I refused to watch him as he walked out of my life. I waited until I knew he had left before I had a fit and broke down crying.

  Lailani came into my room. “What’s the matter, baby?”

  I looked at her and screamed into my pillow.

  “You broke up?”

  “I don’t wanna talk about it, Mama,” I cried. I got up to look on top my chest of drawers. He left a big knot of money and his chain with the cross that I loved. I didn’t know what him leaving it behind meant. Was it some type of peace offering and asking for his forgiveness? I looked at the money. I was sure I had enough money to get twenty abortions. Now the problem was telling my mama so that she could help me get one.

  Chapter 7

  Another year of school started and was almost over. I was back focused on my work. I managed to find the joy and laughter in everything as I once had before. Corvell and Nikki were my biggest supporters. And since there were drastic changes happening in our lives, my mama had started doing better. It actually showed in our home life. Jovelyn was a lot happier and healthier. Hell, Lailani had even picked up some weight. We even managed to get a home phone and basic cable.

  As time went on, I couldn’t deny that I missed Marcos like hell. He was my first love. I don’t think I wanted to give myself to another guy as I did with Marcos. But it was sad because he had been gone since the end of June. It was almost time for my Freshman year to come to an end and I had not heard fro
m him at all. In a couple of months it would be a year since he left. I saw Quan a few times but he didn’t really speak to me like that.

  I wanted to know how he was doing. I wanted to know if he was okay. I wanted to know if he had found him somebody new.

  “Hey, Nephia!”

  It was the last day of school and I was saying my goodbyes to some of my classmates. Since arriving at Stratford High School I had gotten a lot attention from so many different new boys. Most of them were upper classmen. I turned down a lot of offers to go to senior and junior prom.

  I looked up and saw Kendall approaching me. He was really crushing on me. And if I was still stuck on stupid I would probably give Kendall a chance. He was cute and athletically built. He was really sweet and was gonna be the star quarterback for next football season.

  “You catching a ride with me?” he asked.

  “I gotta see what Corvell and Nikki doing,” I said.

  Kendall smiled showing off his deep dimples. “Boy, I swear. Y'all don’t do nothing without the other.”

  I smiled back, “You know it.”

  “So, what are you gonna get into this weekend?” he asked.

  I shrugged. “I’m not sure. I know we were probably gonna go to the skating rink tomorrow for Tamara King’s birthday party. It’s her sweet sixteen.”

  “Oh, yeah. Me and some of my friends were gonna go check that out too. I heard it’s supposed to be off the chain.”

  “Yeah, I heard the same thing,” I smiled up at him. “Well, maybe we could see each other there.”

  He smiled back. “Yeah, that’ll be good.”

  I could hear Corvell’s loud mouth before I seen him. “C’mon, Nephia!”

  “I’m coming!” I yelled. I shrugged at Kendall. “I’ll guess I see you tomorrow.”

  “Yeah,” he said.

  I could feel him staring at me as I hurried off. Kendall was ideal for me but I just didn’t want to get caught up again.

  Corvell looked past me at Kendall. He grinned at me. “Girl, that boy want yo’ little Asian ass.”

  “Oh shut up!” I playfully punched him. “Where Nikki at?”

  “She waiting on us, on the side,” he said. “I hope you got your money cause we ‘bout to go shopping, bitch.”

  Corvell was a trip. I could do nothing but shake my head at him most of the time.

  And remember the knot of money Marcos had left behind for me? Well, it turned out to be ten thousand dollars. I’ve been pinching off of it for this whole year now. I paid Mama’s bills with it and we brought extra food when needed. But before Marcos left the ten thousand, I already had a good twenty-five hundred from where he had previously given me a wad of money. So, if I ever have the chance to run back into him, I would like to personally thank him for that. And I still had the necklace that wasn’t white gold after all. It was platinum and diamonds!

  ______

  I was actually excited about going to this party. It would have been a while since I really allowed myself to enjoy the social scene. I had been keeping myself busy between school, extracurricular activities, track and field, and home life. My only social interaction was between bells at school and talking to Corvell and Nikki on the phone.

  I decided on a Chicago Bulls Jordan 23 jersey dress. It was cute. I wore my hair down which was rare, so it fell down my back and over my shoulders in its natural, wispy, fine state. I placed a matching Chicago Bull’s snapback cap on my head backwards. I placed the diamond necklace around my neck. I put on some cute gold hoop earrings. I slipped on my white footies with red pompoms and slid them into some red Nike Cortez sneakers.

  Nikki and Corvell came right on time to get me Saturday. I said goodbye to my mama and Jovelyn. I told Lailani not to worry or wait up. I gave them all kisses before I left.

  This party was already live when we arrived. Everybody was at the Brentwood skating center. It was packed!

  Kendall spotted me right away. He complimented me on my look. He said I was cute.

  “I ain’t never really seen you in a dress though,” he said with a laugh.

  “I know,” I said.

  “But you somehow managed to dress that down too,” he added.

  “It’s not too boyish, is it?”

  “I don’t think a boy could come close to looking like you do,” he said.

  I blushed. This boy was really sweet. Everyone said I should give him a chance. They said we would make a cute couple. I don’t know. It depended on how persistent he was.

  He and I talked a while before we decided to head out to the rink to get our skate on. I wasn’t the best skater but I enjoyed trying to keep up with Corvell and Kendall. Those boys were so cold on the wheels!

  I busted my ass a few times. Kendall was right there to help me to my feet every time. I was having a good time until I saw a figure in all white talking to the birthday girl and her mother. When I saw Gogo and Boogie, I knew the all white was Marcos. Why was he here? When did he get back to the US?

  “Nephia?” Kendall was saying to me. He waved his hand in front of my face.

  Corvell and Nikki came rushing over to me. Corvell said in a panic, “Bitch, guess who just showed up here?”

  Nikki said, “From the looks of it, she just noticed.”

  I broke out of my trance. “I gotta go. I can’t be here if he’s here.”

  “Fuck that,” Corvell said. “He don’t run nothing. That nigga been gone for almost a damn year. Knowing his retarded ass he probably been here stalking yo’ ass from a distance.”

  “He don’t care about me like that,” I said.

  “Don’t go,” Nikki said. “Stay here and have fun with us. Ignore his ass. Hell, you here with Kendall anyway.”

  “Is that dude?” Kendall asked. He seemed a little bothered by the competition.

  “Yeah, but he was last year. It’s over,” I assured him.

  “But isn’t he the one…” he let his voice trail for me to fill in the blank.

  I nodded my answer.

  “Don’t let him showing up ruin your night,” Corvell was saying. He blew an exasperated breath of air. “Aw shit girl, he done spotted yo’ ass.”

  I looked over where he was and sure enough he was looking in our direction. Shit! “I gotta go.” I hurried off the rink and rushed to the shoe rental to get my shoes back. The boy behind the counter wasn’t going fast enough. I could see the mass of white moving closer to me in my peripherals. I grabbed my shoes as soon as the boy placed them on the counter, I ducked around a partition and shot across to the ladies room.

  Putting on my shoes in one of the bathroom stalls I thought I was safe in there. That was short lived, because when I came out, there he was, in the ladies room, waiting on me. His arms were folded across his chest that looked like it was more swollen than I remembered. His pretty boyish looks were still intact. His hair was a little curlier because it had grown out. But damn! He still looked good in his all white.

  I looked at him unsure of what he was thinking. He was showing little emotion. He was just staring at me.

  I decided to break the awkward silence. “Hey. I didn’t know you were back.”

  “That’s all the fuck you got to say to me?” he asked angrily.

  Here it comes, I thought. He done heard some shit! But it wasn’t bad; I just knew the type of person Marcos was and he wasn’t going to like what he heard.

  “What am I supposed to be saying?” I asked.

  “You know what the fuck I’m talking about,” he said. He unfolded his arms and walked upon me as if he was about to strike me. “C’mon man. We about to take a ride.”

  Grabbing me up by my arm he practically dragged me out of the restroom. I tried to pull away but he wouldn’t let me go. He was embarrassing me and I didn’t appreciate it one bit.

  Corvell, Kendall and Nikki rushed over to see what the matter was.

  “What are you doing, Marcos?” Nikki asked.

  “Mind your fucking business!” he snapped.


  “Why you handling her like that?” Kendall asked trying to stand up for me.

  Marcos didn’t even have any words for him. Instead, he shook me in his grasp and pointed to Kendall. “Is this the nigga you been fucking?”

  “No!” I said trying not to cry in front of all of these people.

  “And if she was, why would you care?” Nikki challenged. “You left buddy!”

  “Nikki, don’t,” I pleaded with her.

  “Didn’t I tell you to stay the fuck out our business!” Marcos spat.

  “Okay, Marcos,” I pleaded with him. “Let’s just leave.”

  “Don’t go with him!” Nikki yelled.

  I didn’t want to cause a bigger scene than it already was becoming. I willingly went with Marcos although he refused to let my arm go.

  Surprisingly, Boogie and Gogo didn’t accompany him. He was driving a white Lexus SUV now. He literally threw me in the passenger side. I gathered myself as he walked around to the driver side and got in.

  “Talk, Nephia!” he demanded as he started the car.

  “About what?” I asked calmly.

  “Don’t play mothafuckin’ stupid with me! You didn’t think I would hear about the shit you done while I was gone?”

  “First of all, Marcos, what I’ve done while you were away is not your business. You left without so much as caring about me,” I said.

  He peeled out of the skating center’s parking lot missing parked cars by merely inches.

  “Can you slow down, and where are you taking me?” I asked.

  “I’m taking you home. What the fuck you got on any goddamn way? Don’t you think that dress a little too short?”

  “My dress is fine.”

  He scoffed. “What the fuck you wearing my necklace for and you fucking other niggas?”

  “I haven’t been fucking other—”

  And just like that he smacked me. It really took me by surprise.

  “Lie again!” he spat. He went to hit me again but I cowered, covering my face. He balled his fist and punched me in my shoulder instead.

  “Marcos!” I cried out. “Please!”

  “Whatchu callin’ my name out for now? Were you callin’ on me when you was fuckin’ the other nigga?”