Dreaming of You

by Jennifer McNare

  “I take it that your marriage to the earl…wasn’t a love match,” Natalie said, her expression understanding.

  Melody shook her head slightly. “No, it wasn’t.”

  “My brother didn’t go into the details of your prior relationship of course, but I assume the two of you had feelings for each other?”

  Melody thought back to those glorious afternoons at the cottage. “Yes, we did. But now… well… things are different.”

  “Gavin is upset that you didn’t tell him about the children sooner?” She kept her voice low so that it didn’t carry to where William and Emma played.

  “Yes, I’m afraid that he is still very angry with me.” That was certainly an understatement.

  Natalie squeezed her arm reassuringly. “I’m sure that given time the two of you can work things out.”

  “I hope so.” Melody replied, trying to look optimistic. Though she feared Gavin would never be able to completely forgive her for what she had done, she could only hope that with the passage of time they could eventually move past the worst of it, and ultimately find some measure of happiness together. She still loved Gavin to the very depths of her soul, and no matter what their future held she knew that was unlikely to change.

  Over the course of the next few days, Jane and Natalie increasingly commanded the majority of Melody’s time. Though she and Gavin would wait at least a month before officially announcing their engagement to Society, Natalie and Jane were eager to begin the initial preparations for their impending nuptials. Whether or not they were fully aware of the underlying tension between her and Gavin, she wasn’t sure, for neither of them made mention of it as they enthusiastically discussed venues, guest lists and the design of Melody’s wedding gown. For her part, Melody did her best to appear enthusiastic as the plans progressed.

  The wedding itself was to be a relatively small affair they had decided, at least in comparison to the ceremonies typically favored by members of the ton, but as it would be Melody’s second marriage, a scaled down affair shouldn’t raise too many eyebrows they reasoned. And of course, as Melody wasn’t a debutante but rather a widow, the length of their engagement could reasonably be shortened as well. That had been Gavin’s one stipulation. Despite his mother’s initial protests, Gavin had stood firm on that point, refusing to agree to a long, drawn-out engagement. Other than that, he seemed to want no part of the planning process, preferring instead to spend his time getting to know William and Emma. Although the children hadn’t been told of Gavin and Melody’s intent to wed, clearly they wouldn’t be opposed to the match, for it was apparent to all that William and Emma adored Gavin. While they still had no idea that Gavin was their father, the relationship between the three of them grew visibly stronger each and every day.

  Even now, as Melody sat looking at fashion plates with Jane and Natalie, Gavin and the children were fishing in the small pond located just a short distance from the house. When Gavin had suggested the outing earlier that morning, William and Emma had jumped at the chance to spend the day with him. Even Emma, whose inherent shyness usually kept her close to Melody’s side, had eagerly left her mother behind to accompany the males on their excursion. Thinking about it now, Melody smiled to herself as she recalled the sheer joy that had sparked in Emma’s eyes when Gavin had surprised her with her very own fishing pole. Even in the inky darkness of the cottage she’d known that he was a wonderful and amazing man, and seeing it now, firsthand, only reaffirmed that realization. William and Emma couldn’t have asked for a better father, and no matter what happened between her and Gavin in the years ahead, she would always be thankful that he was now a part of their lives.

  When Gavin, Melody and the children began their return trip to London two days later, their coach held another occupant. As Natalie had returned to Town the previous morning, it was his mother who sat beside Melody as the coach pulled slowly away from Rutherford Park. With the unexpected introduction to her grandchildren, in addition to his and Melody’s imminent engagement, his mother’s demeanor had undergone a significant transformation during the past week. Suffering greatly from the loss of her husband and eldest son, the past two years had been especially difficult for her, and he couldn’t have been more pleased to see her embracing life once again. For her sake, as well as the children’s, he had been doing his best to hide his underlying feeling of resentment toward Melody and would continue to do so once they reached London.

  Though it wasn’t easy, he knew that holding on to his bitterness and anger would do little to change their present situation, or their future. Like it or not, Melody Cavendish, the woman who had lied to him and betrayed him in the worst possible way, was about to become his duchess, for better or worse. And regardless of his feelings, he was simply going to have to make the best of it.

  Chapter 23

  The weeks following their return to London passed by in a blur of activity. Accompanied by the dowager duchess, and more recently Natalie and her husband Alfred, Melody and Gavin had attended the theater, the opera, an art exhibit and a handful of other social events. They also spent as much time as possible with the children, and had even taken them on a special outing to see the animals at the London Zoo, when Gavin had surprised them with a prearranged private tour.

  As they had hoped, the ton was soon abuzz with rumors about their relationship, and ultimately the debates began as to whether or not the Duke of Rutherford, clearly smitten with the widowed Countess of Edgington, had finally found his future duchess. If the numerous wagers placed in White’s infamous betting book were any indication it was said, the overall consensus was that he had.

  For Melody, the time spent with Gavin was bittersweet. For while she fell more in love with him each and every day, his attitude remained woefully unchanged. While outwardly his manner toward her appeared warm and solicitous, she alone detected the subtle air of disdain reflected in his expressive eyes whenever his gaze fell directly upon her. It broke her heart, for each and every day brought her a greater awareness of the type of man Gavin was, and in turn, a greater awareness of just how much she had lost. Sadly, she realized now that all of the assumptions she had made about his character during those long ago afternoons, had all been correct. He truly was a wonderful and amazing man, and the crushing sense of loss she now felt for what might have been was an excruciating anguish that she would likely have to endure for the rest of her life.

  Presently, they had just settled themselves once again upon the plush, velvet-covered seats within one of Gavin’s numerous, lavishly-appointed carriages. For tonight they had continued to further the speculations of the gossipmongers by attending a dinner party hosted by the Duke and Duchess of Camden. But unlike their previous outings, on this particular evening it had been just the two of them, for Natalie and Alfred had another engagement, and Jane, feeling a bit under the weather, had decided not to join them at the last minute and had sent her belated regrets to the duke and duchess. Not surprisingly, until now she and Gavin had spent very little time alone since leaving Rutherford Park, and presently, sitting within the dim shadows of the carriage on their return to Cavendish House, there was a distinct, underlying tension in the air between them.

  Glancing to where Melody sat silently upon the opposite seat, there was just enough light within the vehicle for Gavin to discern the frown that tugged her lips into a downward arc and to note the rather austere set of her otherwise flawless features. Eyeing her from beneath his hooded lids, he had a fairly good idea as to what it was that had caused her current state of discontent, or rather who had caused it. Anastasia Petrovich. Unbeknownst to him prior to their arrival at the Camden residence, Anastasia had been among the invited guests that evening.

  Although he had deliberately kept his distance from the countess since returning to London, in an effort to bolster the notion that he was now enamored with Melody, he and Anastasia’s prior relationship had been widely speculated upon by their peers, and thus their former association was fairly common
knowledge amongst their gossip-loving set. And apparently his soon to be intended was well-aware of it as well. Throughout the night he’d caught Melody’s gaze shifting between he and Anastasia on more than one occasion, a slight frown marring her lovely countenance on each occurrence, quite similar to the one she wore now.

  Seated across from Gavin, Melody was struggling with the disconcerting notion that had been preoccupying her thoughts for most of the night. As their coach moved from the Camden’s drive out onto the street, the question she’d been pondering for the past several hours seemed to slip past her lips without conscious thought. “Is she your mistress?” She had considered it before of course, the night of the Markham’s masquerade triggering her initial suspicion, but seeing Countess Petrovich at dinner tonight had once again brought the matter to the forefront of her thoughts.

  Gavin’s eyes widened at the bold question. Well, well, apparently his assumption had been correct; it appeared that Anastasia was the cause of Melody’s current displeasure. Interesting, he mused. But was it something as simple as petty female jealousy, which seemed unlikely, or something else entirely that had sparked her discontent? He had to admit that his curiosity was aroused. “I do not have a mistress,” he replied honestly. “However, I fail to see how that is any concern of yours, one way or the other.” His tone had a slight edge to it.

  He was right of course. Considering the circumstances, it wasn’t any of her concern. Theirs was to be a marriage of convenience, nothing more. He had made that quite clear. She should let the matter drop, but unfortunately that was easier said than done. Just because the countess wasn’t his mistress, didn’t mean they weren’t intimately involved. Summoning her courage, she forged ahead, despite her good sense. “Are you lovers?” Her tone wasn’t accusatory, but simply inquiring.

  “Again, I fail to see how that is any concern of yours.”

  His voice was low and controlled, but she noticed that the edge was gone. “It isn’t,” she replied quietly, but nonetheless, she wanted to know, even if the answer was one she didn’t wish to hear. She met his gaze without blinking. “Are you?”

  The question was whisper soft, but her gaze was steadfast. He hesitated for a moment before speaking. He didn’t owe her any explanations; in fact, he didn’t owe her a dammed thing. But for some reason unknown even to himself at that moment, he decided to answer her truthfully just the same. “No, not anymore.”

  “Oh.” She believed him. Though it pained her to know that the beautiful Russian countess had shared Gavin’s bed in the past, she was immensely relieved to know that she no longer did.

  Gavin was silent as he studied Melody’s expression. What the devil was this all about, he wondered?

  Since she’d already broached the subject, Melody supposed that she may as well continue on and ask an even more difficult question, brazen as it may be, for it was something that had been weighing on her mind for quite some time. “Do you plan to see other women once we are married? Intimately, I mean.” She wasn’t stupid, or naive. She already knew the answer to her question, but she asked it anyway. For in truth, what she really wanted to know was if their marriage of convenience was destined to be a marriage without any form of physical intimacy as well.

  Her continued boldness astounded him, and for a moment he was sorely tempted to remind her that how he chose to conduct himself outside of the charade they were perpetrating, as well as the periphery of Society’s prying eyes, was none of her dammed business. But then his thoughts abruptly took a different turn. Perhaps it wasn’t jealousy or even mere curiosity that had prompted her questions. What if she was asking for an entirely different reason altogether? Did she wish to take a lover, or lovers, after they’d wed. Considering his apathy toward her, the notion shouldn’t bother him in the least, but surprisingly he found that it did. “Why do you ask?” His tone was frigid as he pinned her with his fixed gaze. “Are you curious to know my intentions so that you may ascertain whether or not I shall be willing to look the other way if you should wish to seek your pleasures elsewhere?”

  Melody merely gaped at him in astonishment for a moment, completely shocked by his assumption, for that wasn’t what she had meant at all. In fact, the thought had never even once crossed her mind. “No, of course not,” she said, finding her voice. “That wasn’t why I asked at all.”

  “Wasn’t it?”

  He sounded dubious. “No, it wasn’t,” she stated more firmly. “I assure you that I have no intention of taking a lover after we are wed.” No intention, and no desire to do so, she clarified in her mind. Gavin was the only man she would ever love, the only man who would ever touch her heart, or her body.

  She’d damn well better not, Gavin thought angrily, though he didn’t voice it aloud. Some men of his acquaintance might be willing to look the other way when their wives cuckolded them, but he certainly wasn’t one of them, regardless of the circumstances surrounding his and Melody’s obligatory union.

  “Though you might imagine otherwise, I assure you that I would never even consider doing such a thing.” Although she was stunned by Gavin’s erroneous conjecture, Melody was even more surprised by his rather heated reaction. Was it simply a matter of male pride that caused him to react so, or did the thought of her with another man upset him for another reason altogether? She told herself not to read too much into it, but it was hard not to. She so desperately wanted to hang on to that tiny glimmer of hope that she and Gavin would someday live the life she had always envisioned. “Believe what you will, but the truth is that I have never been with anyone but you,” Melody admitted softly.

  Gavin’s only reaction was the slight widening of his eyes as he wondered whether or not she was telling the truth. But secretly it vexed him to realize that for some inexplicable reason, he suddenly hoped that she was. “So why then, did you ask?” he queried, deliberately avoiding verbally acknowledging her last comment.

  “I’m not sure really,” she hedged. How could she admit the truth? That the thought of him in the arms of another woman made her want to retch. That she wanted him to seek his pleasure in her bed and no one else’s. That she would welcome him with open arms, for she still longed for his touch more than anything in the world. He wouldn’t believe her anyhow. “Curiosity I suppose.” It sounded ridiculous even to her own ears and inwardly she cringed. She should have just kept her mouth shut.

  “Curiosity?” he scoffed. “What is there to be curious about? Did you expect that I would live the life of a monk after we were wed?” The notion was absurd.

  She didn’t answer his question. “You are right,” she said instead, her tone subdued. “It is none of my concern, and I should not have asked.” Looking away, she turned her gaze to the uncovered window.

  They traveled in silence for a time, both lost to their own contemplations.

  Damn her, Gavin thought as he surreptitiously watched her from across the aisle. What right did she have to sit there looking like a wounded doe all of the sudden? What the hell did it matter to her, what he did or didn’t do after they were officially pronounced husband and wife? Their marriage was to be nothing more than a sham. She knew that. He sighed in aggravation, folding his arms across his chest. Hell, she couldn’t possibly expect that it would ever be anything more than that, could she? But did she want it to be? No, surely not. Undoubtedly, he was simply misreading the situation, for she couldn’t possibly want that any more than he did. She’d never cared about him. He had been a tool, a means to an end, nothing more. Everything she had ever said or done had been a calculated pretense. So clearly there had to be another reason. But what was it?

  “I find it difficult to believe that mere curiosity was the only thing that prompted your earlier question,” Gavin said, abruptly breaking the oppressive silence.

  Melody turned to face him, surprised that he would choose to start the discussion up again. However, if he was going to give her another opportunity to address the matter, she would be a fool not to take it. Whilst they�
�d sat in silence, she had pondered the one thing that might actually lure Gavin to her bed, and in turn, give them a chance at the life she had always dreamed of. In truth, it was a perfectly reasonable inquiry and something that surely needed to be addressed at some point. “Well yes, I suppose there is another reason,” she began somewhat hesitantly.

  “And that reason would be?”

  “Children.”

  “Children?” That certainly wasn’t what he’d been expecting to hear.

  Melody clasped her hands together in her lap to keep from pulling at her skirt in nervous agitation. This wasn’t going to be easy. She took a deep, calming breath before she continued. “I realize that you can easily fulfill your…er, physical needs…elsewhere,” she began, blushing profusely. “But if you desire to have more children…I would certainly understand the need for us to…that is…I would be amenable to…satisfying those needs.”

  Oh. Gavin was momentarily nonplussed and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I see,” he said, for lack of a better response.

  “Do you?” she asked. “Desire to have more children?”

  “I hadn’t really thought about it,” he acknowledged. He’d been so focused on William and Emma of late, that he hadn’t even contemplated the notion.

  “I admit that I have always longed for a large family,” Melody said softly. “But of course the decision is ultimately yours.”

  Gavin hesitated for a moment before answering, eyeing Melody thoughtfully. She was a wonderful mother, he mentally conceded. He’d seen that firsthand. And though he hated to admit it, the thought of her warming his bed was a tempting notion, and the begetting of more children would certainly make that a necessity, he realized.

  Despite his lingering feelings of anger and bitterness, he couldn’t deny that he found Melody’s remarkable beauty and lush figure incredibly desirable. It was a purely physical attraction, nothing more, he told himself. So then, why shouldn’t he allow himself to benefit from the one positive aspect of their impending union? It was certainly worth considering. In fact, it only seemed fair, for she was definitely going to get a hell of a lot more out of their marriage than he was. She was going to be the next Duchess of Rutherford, and as such, free to enjoy all of the benefits that entailed. Why then should he deny himself access to her copious charms if he didn’t have to?