Hartstrings: A Jaded Regret Novel (Jaded Regret Series Book 3)

by L. L. Collins

  I rolled down the window. “Not in Andrew’s world.”

  Chapter Seven

  Tanner

  “Son of a bitch!” I yanked the strap of my guitar over my head and tamed the urge to throw it.

  Beau lifted his eyebrows from behind his drum kit but didn’t say a word. He was a man of few words, though he was better since being with April. This time, though, his expression said it all.

  Bex wasn’t nearly as quiet. “What the fuck, Tan?” She stepped closer to me and her pissed off, fire-shooting eyes zeroed in on my face. I saw Johnny glance over at Beau before turning back to us. He watched his wife, waiting to see what kind of ball busting she was about to give me. I deserved whatever shit spewed from her mouth, and I knew it.

  I fucking sucked. We had one week of our tour left, and I’d already mentally checked out. I never acted this way, and my band had no idea how to handle this side of me.

  At the silence, Natalie popped her head out from behind the stage. “What’s up?”

  Bex glanced over her shoulder at Natalie and then back to me. “Tanner needs some pussy or something. He’s playing like shit.”

  I almost laughed. Almost. She was right; I was in serious withdrawal. I hadn’t been this celibate…well, maybe since I knew what sex was and how much I loved it.

  I tried to ignore the expression on Natalie’s face at Bex’s comment. Things had cooled significantly with us, and I was grateful. Natalie hadn’t spent much time next to me since our encounter in Florida, and while I felt bad about almost sleeping with her, I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. Especially not now.

  I held up my hands. “I’m sorry. I’ll get it together, I promise.”

  “We have one motherfucking week left, Tanner. I don’t know where the hell your head has been or what is going on, but I want you to find a girl or ten to fuck before tonight. You need to be ready to leave every single bit of you on this stage like you used to. We clear?”

  A girl or ten to fuck. I didn’t remember the name of the last girl I’d slept with. There were girls; of course, I’d kept up my reputation. When it came down to it, I couldn’t let people think I had erectile dysfunction. I had enough other dysfunction. But much like Aster back in Florida, I’d kept up the façade but hadn’t had the balls—pun intended—to go through with it.

  I was broken.

  In more ways than one.

  I had to fix it, but I honest to God wasn’t sure if I could.

  I wanted to sink myself deep inside someone and forget…but I couldn’t.

  Bex stormed off the stage, mumbling something about taking ten minutes for me to “beat my dick.” I wished that would solve my problems, but it sure as shit hadn’t. Johnny followed her, leaving Beau and me alone on the stage.

  I turned back to my bass guitar, strumming the strings. Normally, I could play without thinking about it, but we had some new more complicated stuff, and I hadn’t practiced enough. Even when I did practice, I was all fucked up in the head.

  “Hey.” Beau stood off to the side, his quiet demeanor settling me. Beau was one of the greatest guys I’d ever met. Despite his issues and his past, he’d found happiness with April, and it had changed him.

  “Sorry, man. I’ll be okay.”

  “Tanner, you know I don’t like to get involved in other people’s business. So I’m going to say this. Whatever it is, talk to someone about it. Whether it’s one of us or not, let it out. It’s going to keep eating at you.” He nodded the unspoken words between us. He knew this from experience. The things Beau had gone through last year was enough to scare all of us into paying more attention to each other. We were family; blood be damned.

  I wanted to scoff at him and tell him my only problem was which pussy to stick my dick in tonight, but I couldn’t lie. A few weeks ago, that had been my only problem.

  Now the gorgeous face of a broken woman consumed my every thought.

  Coupled with the other beautiful face I hadn’t seen in twelve years.

  My thoughts and dreams vacillated between the two women who affected my life in completely different ways.

  “Thanks, Beau.” I fist bumped him and made my way off the stage and to my dressing room. We were mere hours from another sold out show.

  I needed to talk to Mac. Maybe she could get my head straight.

  She was my most frequently called number now. Over the last several weeks I’d been gone, we talked at least twice a day. She tried her hardest to find out what happened to Tracey, and I tried my hardest not to ask her how things were going with Andrew.

  Unless there was something major to talk about with either, we avoided the topics.

  Though I still wanted nothing more than to grab her up the second I got back to Florida and make her leave that asshole, I also knew it had to be on her terms.

  I hit her number as soon as the door closed behind me. Within seconds, I heard her sweet voice say my name.

  “Hey, Mac.”

  Keys clicked, and papers rustled. “You okay?”

  I blew out a breath. “I’m all fucked up in the head. Bex yelled at me, and I deserved it. I have to get ready to play tonight, and I’ve been way off my game. I thought talking to you might help. Are you busy?”

  “I’m never too busy for you.” Mac paused. “I’m still at work. I could use a break. What’s wrong?”

  I caught my reflection in the mirror and stared, wondering what it was exactly. My eyes seemed dull and lifeless, even to me. “I don’t know. I can’t get out of my own head.”

  “What does that mean? Are you worrying about Tracey? You know I’m working on it and will keep you updated the second I find a lead.”

  “I know. I don’t know what it is, to be honest. Maybe it’s bringing up all the things I’d tried to bury over the years by looking for her again, and it’s fucking me up. I play for her, every single day. When we were kids, she lived for listening to me play. She came to every single practice. The only time in our whole lives she didn’t come was the day she…”

  “She disappeared.” Mac finished for me. “Oh, Tanner. You know she loves you. I didn’t know her, and I can tell you that just by listening to you talk about your relationship with her. It was—and is—special. When you’re playing tonight, I want you to think about her out there in the crowd, a smile on her face. I also want you to know that I promise I’ll do whatever I can to find her, Tanner. I’m good—no, I’m great—at my job.”

  I smiled for the first time today, watching my reflection change in the mirror. The bright blue of my eyes that were identical to my sister’s shone, reminding me of the way she used to laugh and tease me. “What would I do without you, Mac?”

  “You don’t have to find out, so don’t worry about it. You worry about being the kick ass, no holds barred bass guitarist of Jaded Regret. I want to hear that you worked it so hard tonight you had a record number of bras thrown on the stage. I want to see your notorious self in the rags in a few days. Got it?” Humor laced her voice, and I could picture a little smirk on her face as she teased me.

  “You got it. Thanks, Mac. I’ll call you tonight. Will you be alone?”

  “Yes.”

  * * *

  Pretend Tracey is out there, watching you. I strummed the strings on my bass guitar, stretching my neck from side to side. It was time. The crowd screamed, reverberating off the walls of the huge amphitheater we played in. Our opening act was almost finished. They had a female drummer, and she was hot as fuck. They were rather talented, and I expected them to get popular quickly. Our label had recently signed them so they were now on the fast track to success.

  I hadn’t missed her eyeing me before they went out to play.

  She was totally my type.

  Maybe I could try.

  It would get my mind off things.

  I heard the lead singer’s gravelly voice talking to the crowd, asking if they were ready for Jaded Regret. The screams got louder, and I smiled. I loved this life. It never got old, people payin
g money—a lot of money—to see us play. When I was out there, I could forget for a little while who I was and what I hid from everyone.

  I could pretend I was just another rock star on another stage, playing another song for a sold out crowd. I could pretend I was a manwhore with a line of pussy waiting for me backstage.

  I could pretend. Period.

  It made me almost believe it, too, while I was out there.

  “You get your head on straight?” Bex appeared next to me. She wore an outfit that was every rocker guy’s wet dream: short black leather shorts and a matching crop top. Her makeup was dark and heavy; her hair was curled and hung down her back. A guitar charm hung from her belly button piercing.

  The woman was hot as fuck, and she knew it.

  “I’m good, I promise.”

  She eyed me for a moment, assessing me to see if I was telling the truth. Finally, she nodded. “Is this about that chick you met a few weeks ago?”

  I feigned indifference. “Mackenzie? No.”

  She pursed her lips. “I don’t believe you. You’ve been…different since you met her.”

  I shrugged. “We’re friends. I’m trying to get her away from her abusive boyfriend.”

  Bex laughed. “You’re friends? Is that what you’re telling yourself?”

  Johnny came up next to her and nuzzled her neck, making her squirm. I had no doubt they’d just finished fucking in their dressing room. It was common knowledge that it was a tradition with them before a show. He whispered into her ear, and she turned and wrapped her arms around his neck. They began kissing. I turned away when Johnny pulled her body close to his. Watching them made me feel something I wasn’t sure how to identify.

  Thank you, Johnny, I silently thanked him. Saved by the libido.

  Beau walked up, tapping his drumsticks together. He surveyed Bex and Johnny and rolled his eyes.

  “Do they ever stop? I mean seriously. They have kids now. You’d think they’d stop wanting to hump like rabbits all the damn time.”

  I lifted my eyebrow at him. “You and April have kids. Do you still want her all the time?”

  Beau flushed and averted his gaze from mine. He was as opposite of Johnny and Bex as any person could be, but I knew how hot he was for his wife.

  “Point taken.” Beau smiled as he reached over and tapped Johnny with his drumstick. “Dude. You might want to stop. We’re about to go on, and it would be…interesting…if you went on stage with a raging hard on.”

  Johnny pulled back from Bex, his gaze never leaving her face. “You’re the hottest fucking woman on this planet. Let’s kick some rock ass.”

  Bex smiled and pulled away from her husband. She’d changed so much in the last few years that sometimes it was hard to believe she was still the same person.

  We circled up and completed our signature handshake right as the lights in the arena darkened, and the noise became deafening.

  It was showtime.

  * * *

  Sweat poured down my face and chest, but I didn’t care. It felt amazing up here. We were about to wrap up yet another sold-out show in yet another city, and I was on my game tonight.

  I knew Bex was happy with me because she’d turned back to me several times and nodded.

  She and Johnny played together for this song, and her strong rasping voice reverberated throughout the room. The crowd was mostly silent; the only sounds you heard from them were a cat call or “We love you, Bex and Johnny!” every once and a while.

  I glanced over at Beau, whose drumsticks were still as they sang acapella for the end of the song. His gaze met mine and he nodded. An unspoken conversation traveled between us. Their guitars hung in front of them, unplayed.

  I glanced out at the crowd. It was hard to see much past the first few rows due to the lights directed on the stage, but I could make out the faces of many of the fans that had spent a lot of money to see us tonight.

  There were no bras thrown onto the stage right now, but I’d collected quite a few of them already. When we did our last song, that’s when they would throw the rest of them. I looked at the women I could see, wondering how many of them had already shed their underwear.

  A woman in the third row caught my eye. She had straight blond hair and a slight body, and she stared straight at me. Our gaze connected and I felt the air whoosh from my lungs at what I saw.

  Bright blue eyes that stood out from the crowd.

  Just like mine.

  My heart thumped along with the lyrics of the song. My mind raced to connect what I was seeing. She didn’t break her gaze from mine, a slight smile on her lips as she realized she had my attention.

  Bex and Johnny hit the last note in their song, and I knew that meant it was time to complete the show with our last song.

  If I flaked on this song, she would kill me. She’d kick me out of Jaded Regret and find someone who could keep their head on straight, and I’d deserve it.

  I forced myself to step back and get into position. I broke eye contact only to make sure the rest of the band was ready before I shifted my gaze right back to her. It was a crazy coincidence, right? Surely she was just a woman who resembled her. There was no way she would show up at one of my shows after twelve years. Would she?

  “You’ve been so amazing.” Bex’s voice boomed throughout the arena. “I can’t believe our time is almost up.”

  The crowd booed, and I watched her. She watched me. I forced myself to stand there and not run into the crowd and grab her. I knew I couldn’t let her leave. I had to find a way to talk to her.

  “I know. It’s always hard to say goodbye.” Bex indicated us. “Haven’t my boys been amazing tonight, though?”

  The crowd screamed, jumping up and down at her words. A few more bras littered the stage, followed by screams of “Do me, Tanner!”

  I ignored all of them. She fidgeted with her hair, a nervous smile on her lips. It almost seemed like she was…flirting. But if it were her, she wouldn’t be acting like that. Maybe she was just nervous. Hell, I couldn’t stop the assault of butterflies taking flight in my stomach.

  What if it was her?

  What would I do?

  The opening chords of our last song rang out, and I forced myself to break eye contact as I came in, moving my fingers on the strings. I paused during Beau’s new drum solo and then stared right back at her as the crowd went ape over him. He stood and threw his drumsticks into the crowd in his signature move. When he pulled out another set of drumsticks and came back in, I followed with a riff of my own, going right into my solo.

  A few chords later, the four of us came in together. Bex’s voice, backed up by Johnny, resounded throughout the huge room. For a moment, I got lost in the lyrics and the meaning behind the song, but I didn’t stop watching the Tracey look alike.

  When the lights blacked out and the crowd screamed, demanding more, I became frantic. She couldn’t leave. I had to find her. I heard the clanking of the metal clasps from bras as they were thrown from the audience, and some of them wrapped around my ankles as I tried to move closer to the edge of the stage.

  “Tanner!” I heard Bex yell my name. It was our cue to leave the stage before they turned the lights back on and started dismissing the fans. But I couldn’t go. My vision adjusted to the darkness, so I made my way to the edge of the stage.

  People had shifted, and the girl was no longer in the same place. I scanned everyone in the vicinity where she’d been standing.

  A few of them noticed me standing at the end of the stage and began jumping up and down. “He’s coming for me!” “Tanner! I’ll be in your bed tonight!” and “Look, Tanner! I threw my bra!” echoed around me, but none of the comments came from the girl I wanted to see.

  I spotted long blond hair moving away down the aisle and turned, setting my guitar gently on the ground. I had to follow her. As I was about to jump down to the ground, a strong hand gripped my bicep.

  “What in the ever loving fuck are you doing?” It was AJ, and he seem
ed mad as hell. “They threw you over a hundred bras tonight. Pick one of those with a number in it and come on.”

  I shook my head as he began to drag me backward like I was a hundred-pound kid. Just as I gathered enough strength to pull away from him, the lights flooded on, and everyone saw that I still stood there. Bex, Beau, and Johnny stared at me from backstage like I’d lost my mind.

  I think they may be right.

  The girl stopped and glanced back at me long enough for me to wrestle away from AJ. I jumped off the stage, immediately surrounded by well-meaning fans.

  I heard AJ cuss behind me and then he jumped down, pushing the crowd away from me. I strode through the people until I reached her. Her mouth dropped as I stopped inches away from her. She glanced around, no doubt wondering if I came to see her.

  When I stood close enough to see the bright blue of her eyes, I searched her face for the features I saw every time I stared in the mirror. If it were her, wouldn’t she throw herself in my arms by now? What if she didn’t remember who she was? What if her connection to me was unexplained in her head?

  “What’s your name?”

  She blinked, not answering right away. AJ kept the crowd away from the two of us, but it didn’t stop them from screaming lewd comments at me.

  “M-my name is Chloe.”

  Chloe. My mind raced. What if she’d changed her name?

  “Chloe what?”

  She glanced over to what must’ve been a friend standing to her left. “C-Chloe Adkins.”

  “Tanner.” AJ’s voice was in my ear. “I can’t hold them back much longer. I’m one person. You’re going to be mobbed. If you want her, I’ll get her to come backstage.”

  If you want her. He didn’t understand, but I couldn’t expect him to. None of them knew who she could be to me.

  I nodded, and he stepped in front of me. I turned and hopped back on the stage, jogging backstage where the rest of my band watched.

  “What in the ever loving fuck were you doing, Tan? Was all of that for a piece of ass? You know every one of them were videotaping. That’s going to hit every single rag site,” Bex said as I walked past her. Johnny and Beau said nothing, as expected.