Happy Campers

by Karen D. Badger

  Cat and Jen led the way out of the ranger’s office, with Billie and Fred bringing up the rear. Before exiting the office, Fred placed his hand on Billie’s arm, holding her back. “Billie, did you see that girl with the big—”

  “Oh, yeah. I saw them… er… I mean, her.”

  She and Fred smiled all the way back to their campsites.

  Chapter 17: Ghouls Just Wanna Have Fun

  Billie watched as Jen walked painfully across the campsite.

  “Jen, I’m really sorry for what happened this morning. The snake incident was unfortunate. I was probably wrong to have suggested you lead the way.”

  Jen settled herself into the camp chair as comfortably as she could. “Well, I would rather it was me than one of the kids. I’ll get over it. You’ll just have to listen to me cry and complain for a few days.”

  “That’s nothing new,” Fred observed. Jen slugged his arm.

  Billie snapped her fingers. “You know, I might have something that will make your butt feel better.” She ducked into her tent and returned a moment later carrying a jar of soothing salve. “This is really good stuff. I’d rub it on for you, but I don’t think Cat or Fred would appreciate it.”

  “You got that right,” Fred replied as he caught the jar Billie tossed to him.

  “Okay, guys, drop the kindling right here,” Cat directed as she led a train of children out of the surrounding woods, each carrying an armful of sticks that had fallen from the trees.

  “Can we make s’mores again, Ma?” Seth asked.

  “Sure. Why don’t the four of you make a circle around the campfire with the chairs, while Sky comes with me to carry the marshmallows? Sound good?” The children nodded. “Billie, would you mind building up the campfire?”

  “Can I give you a hand, Cat?” Jen offered.

  “No. You just keep that sore butt of yours right where it is. We’ve got it covered.”

  “What can I do to help?” Fred asked.

  “How about you come up with this evening’s entertainment? Besides making s’mores, that is. Use your imagination.”

  Fred grinned. “Okay. Give me a minute or two. I’ll come up with something.”

  As night fell around them, the Charland/Swenson clan sat in a circle around the campfire.

  “What are we going to do, Dad?” Stevie asked his father.

  “Hmmm.” Fred hesitated, then abruptly pulled a flashlight from his lap and held it under his chin. “How about a ghost story?”

  “Yeah,” the kids exclaimed.

  Jen shook her head. “I don’t know about this, Fred.”

  “Aw, come on, Mom,” Stevie wheedled.

  Jen looked at Cat and Billie, neither of whom objected. “Okay. You win. Go for it.”

  All of the children sat on the edges of their seats as Fred began his story.

  “One rainy night, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street. Along the way, he had to walk right by a cemetery. Just as he walked by the gates, he heard a bump coming from behind a gravestone. Bump… bump… bump. He didn’t dare to look back. Instead, he began to walk faster, but the bumping noise became came louder and faster. Bump, bump, bump.

  “He stopped and turned to see what was causing the noise. What he saw terrified him. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin. It was standing on end and bumping from side to side— bump, bump, bump.”

  The kids’ eyes widened as Fred provided the sound effects.

  “It began to rain even harder as the man started to run. The faster he ran, the faster the coffin came after him. Bump, bump, bump. In the road ahead of him, he saw a branch that had fallen from a tree during the storm. He grabbed the branch as he ran by. He didn’t dare to stop, so he turned around and threw the branch at the coffin. The branch splintered into a million pieces, and the coffin came after him even faster. Bumpity, bumpity, bumpity.

  “The man turned the corner onto his street; he was almost home. When he reached his house, he ran through the front gate, the coffin right behind him. The axe he used to split wood rested against his woodpile. He grabbed it and turned to face the coffin. Using both hands, he threw it as hard as he could. Smash! The axe shattered on the unnaturally strong wood, and the coffin continued after him.”

  Skylar climbed into Cat’s lap, and the two older girls were holding hands for moral support as Fred continued with his story.

  “The man dashed into his house and slammed the door behind him. He slid all of the bolts closed, but the coffin crashed right through the door. He ran to the fireplace mantel and grabbed his shotgun off the wall. He blasted the coffin with both barrels, but the shots bounced harmlessly off the coffin. He began to panic; nothing seemed to stop it. With limited escape routes, he ran toward the stairs. The coffin followed him. Bump, clomp, bump, clomp.

  “Scared to death, the man ran into the bathroom and locked the door behind him, but just like the front door, he knew it wouldn’t do any good. The coffin banged against the door once, twice, and on the third time, the door exploded and the coffin came in. Desperate, the man reached out and grabbed a bottle of cough syrup from the medicine cabinet and threw it at the coffin. The bottle shattered, the cough syrup poured on the coffin, and the coffin stopped.”

  Fred shut off the flashlight, then sat back in his chair and looked at the children. Stevie and Seth looked at each other, their brows knit in confusion. The girls sat on the edges of their seats, waiting for Fred to finish the story. Cat, Billie, and Jen exchanged glances, suppressing their grins.

  “Aren’t you going to finish the story, Dad?” Stevie asked.

  “I did.”

  “You did?”

  “Yeah. The cough syrup stopped the coffin. Coffin… coughing. Get it?”

  Stevie and Seth threw themselves back in their seats. “Aw, Dad, that was so lame,” Stevie complained.

  “Yeah, Dad. Lame, really lame.” Jen threw a marshmallow at Fred.

  “Okay, troops, time to hit the hay. It’s past midnight.” Cat turned to Jen. “How does hot tea laced with honey sound?”

  “Wonderful,” Jen replied. “Give me a hand getting up, and I’ll help you make it. Billie, Fred, any takers?”

  “No,” Billie said. “Got a cooler of beer right here with my name on it.”

  Fred rubbed his hands together in anticipation. “Ditto.”

  “Come on, Seth. Let’s tell more ghost stories in our tent,” Stevie said as he grabbed Fred’s flashlight.

  “Cool!” Seth followed his friend to their tent.

  Billie tried to put Skylar down so she could go with her sister and Karissa to their tent, but the five-year-old clung to her. “I don’t wanna go, Mommy.”

  “Why, lovebug?”

  “I’m scared. What if the coffin comes?”

  Billie hugged her daughter. “It was just a story, and a bad one at that. There is no coffin.”

  “But Uncle Fred said there was.”

  “Well, there isn’t. It isn’t real. Now give me a kiss and go with your sister. Bedtime.”

  Tara, waiting patiently for her sister, held out her hand. “Come on, Sky. Karissa and I will protect you. You can sleep with me in my sleeping bag, in case the coffin comes back.”

  Billie saw Tara grin at Karissa over Skylar’s head.

  Skylar ran back into Billie’s arms. “Mommy!”

  Billie frowned at her daughter. “Tara, did you have to do that?”

  Tara laughed. “She’s just so easy.”

  “Enough. Now take your sister and go to bed. And be nice to her, do you hear me?”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Tara said as she and Karissa escorted Skylar to their tent.

  Billie turned to Fred. “You’re a dork, you know that?”

  Fred reached for a beer and handed one to Billie. “Yeah, but you love me anyway.”

  Chapter 18: Blazing Saddles

  With the children securely tucked into their tents, the four adults sat around the fire ring enjoying their beverages and each other’s
company.

  Jen shifted in her chair. “What a day we’ve had.”

  “You got that right,” Billie said.

  “Do you think the boys will be traumatized by having seen the nudists, Billie?” Cat asked.

  “It isn’t like they haven’t see nakedness before, Cat.”

  “Karissa and Tara saw it too,” Jen reminded them.

  Fred nodded. “I’m more concerned about them than the boys.”

  “Why are the girls any different from the boys?” Cat asked.

  “They’re boys,” Fred said. “Boys are expected to be curious about naked women. I had Playboy magazines under my mattress at their age.”

  “There were naked men there as well,” Jen pointed out. “I don’t like the idea that our nine-year-old daughters saw danglies.”

  “Neither do I,” Fred said. “Maybe we should talk to them about it.”

  “Maybe we should just not make a big deal of it,” Billie suggested. “Unless, of course, they ask us about it.”

  “Agreed,” Cat said. Jen shifted in her seat. “How’s your butt, Jen?”

  “Sore. It’s difficult to sit comfortably.”

  “I hope it doesn’t keep you from trying horseback riding again.”

  “Don’t hold your breath.”

  Fred smirked. “Maybe we should have gotten you a padded saddle.”

  Billie crossed one leg over the other. “Well, use that salve I gave you tonight. It should help.”

  The friends fell silent as the flickering fire held them entranced.

  … Until a few moments later.

  “Ewww! What’s that smell?” Cat pinched her nostrils shut.

  Jen frowned. “Fred, you didn’t!”

  Fred donned his most innocent expression. “What?”

  Pffffffft.

  “Oh my fucking God! Fred, you are such a hog!”

  “What?”

  Pffffffft.

  Cat looked at her wife. “Billie?”

  Billie grinned.

  Pffffffft.

  Jen pulled her shirt up over her nose. “I’m going to puke.”

  “I’m right beside you, Jen,” Cat said.

  Pffffffft.

  Jen struggled out of her chair and walked to the edge of the campsite. “You are so gross, Fred!”

  “It’s Cat’s fault,” Fred said.

  “Why is it my fault?”

  “Because you fed us beans for lunch.”

  Pfffffffffffffffffffffffft.

  Cat jumped up from her chair. “Oh my God! Billie!”

  “I’m with Fred. It’s your fault,” she said.

  Cat ran over to join Jen. “How can the two of you just sit there in the middle of it?”

  “Are you going to stand on the edge of the campsite all night?” Fred asked.

  Jen glared at him. “Beats the hell out of the gas chamber you’re sitting in.”

  “Yeah, the air hovering over you is green, for Christ’s sake,” Cat added.

  Fred reached for the fire poker. “No!” Jen screamed. “You’ll ignite the gas and blow us all to kingdom come!”

  “Mom, what’s that smell?” Seth called from his tent.

  “Try to sleep, honey. It’s just Mom and Fred digesting their lunch,” Cat replied.

  “It’s gross!”

  “I know. Just try to ignore it. Go back to sleep.”

  “Now look at what you’ve done. It woke the boys up,” Jen said.

  “They’re guys, they’ll understand,” Fred replied.

  “Again with the guy thing, Fred?” Jen complained. “You don’t think girls can cut toxic wind? Hell, look at Billie.”

  Cat looked at Jen. “I don’t know about you, but there’s no way I’m sleeping with that tonight.”

  “My thoughts exactly.” Jen looked at Billie and Fred. “You two can suffer together. I’m sleeping with Cat tonight.”

  Chapter 19: Once Bitten, Twice Shy

  Cat was busy making coffee the next morning when Jen emerged from her tent. She couldn’t help smiling as she watched her friend walk gingerly across the campsite. “You’re walking like you have a load in your pants.”

  Jen grimaced. “Very funny. I’ve never hurt so much in my life. Walking is pure torture, and sitting is totally out of the question.”

  “You look tired.”

  “That’s because I hardly slept a wink last night. I just couldn’t get comfortable.”

  “Just think of how much worse it would have been if you had to sleep in the gas chamber.”

  “Amen to that. Last night it smelled like something crawled up inside them and died.”

  “I don’t know what we were thinking when we put beans on the food list,” Cat admitted.

  Jen yawned. “Nudge me if I fall asleep today, okay?”

  Cat handed her a cup of coffee. “Maybe this will help.”

  “Thank you. Maybe you should just pour it on my ass. The heat might do it some good.”

  Cat raised an eyebrow. “Now that’s an idea.”

  “What?”

  “Heat.”

  “Heat?”

  “Heat. What do you say we ditch the kids and the fart machines, and spend the day at the hot spring?” Cat suggested.

  Jen grinned. “Now that’s an offer I can’t refuse.”

  The two families sat around the picnic table and enjoyed a hearty breakfast of scrambled eggs, sausage, and toast, all except for Jen, who ate her breakfast standing up.

  “I’ll take another cup of that.” Billie raised her cup to Cat.

  Cat filled Billie’s cup, then topped off her own. “Anyone else want some before I put it back on the burner?” She returned to the picnic table and sat down beside Billie. “Have I told you yet today how much I appreciate you?”

  Billie frowned. “Uh-oh. What do you want?”

  “What do you mean? Can’t a girl tell her wife how much she loves her?”

  Billie reached for Cat’s hand. “I love you, too, but I can tell when there’s a motive behind your sweetness.”

  “Am I that transparent?” Cat asked.

  “Like glass.”

  “Then I guess there’s no sense in beating around the bush. Why don’t you and Fred take the kids exploring in the caves today?”

  “Caves?” Seth and Stevie said together.

  “Yes. I read about them in the brochure. They’re in the rock face on the far end of the campground. A few of them are supposed to be really deep.”

  “Are there bats in the caves?” Karissa asked. “I hate bats.”

  “Don’t be such a girl,” Stevie teased his sister.

  “Hey, I was born this way,” she replied.

  “You’re afraid of bats?” Tara asked. “Bats are cool.”

  “So, what are you and Jen going to do while we’re in the caves?” Billie asked.

  “We’re going to relax in the hot spring. The heat will do wonders for Jen’s sore butt.”

  “I can warm your butt up for you,” Fred said to Jen.

  “Dad, you are so gross,” Stevie said.

  “I second that,” Jen replied. “Remember you’re in mixed company, sweetheart.”

  “What do you say, Fred? Are you up to a little spelunking?” Billie asked.

  “Spelunk away,” Fred replied.

  “So, does that mean we’re going?” Seth asked.

  “Only if we can get Mom to pack us a lunch to take along.”

  “It’s a deal,” Cat said.

  “I’ll help you,” Jen offered.

  Cat and Jen put on their bathing suits and set off toward the hot spring, towels thrown over their shoulders.

  “I’m so looking forward to this,” Jen said. “No kids, no husbands—”

  “Or wives,” Cat interjected.

  “Or wives. No dishes to do, laundry to fold, rugs to vacuum. Just hot water, peace, and tranquility. It’s a dream come true.”

  “I’m with you on that one, sister.”

  They sat on the underwater ledge that sk
irted the manmade pool fed by the sulfur hot spring. Steam rose around them as they relaxed in the hot water. As luck would have it, they were alone.

  “It kind of smells like last night,” Jen said.

  “Last night?”

  “Yeah. The smell of the sulfur reminds me of the green air we had hanging over the campsite after Billie and Fred graced us with their gastric emissions.”

  Cat laughed. “That was pretty gross.”

  “No kidding. I could hear Fred letting loose all night long, even from your tent. I wonder how Billie slept through it. I hope she sleeps with her mouth closed. I’m willing to bet someone could die from inhaling that shit.”

  “Billie was just as bad. Until last night, I never knew a woman could emit such disgusting odors.”

  “This sulfur smells like roses compared to those two hogs.”

  “Swine! They’re swine, I tell you!” Cat agreed. She tilted her head back and sighed. “This feels wonderful. Don’t you think?”

  It took Jen a few minutes to seat herself somewhat comfortably in the pool, shifting from cheek to cheek periodically to relieve her residual discomfort. She leaned her head back, closed her eyes, and sighed as the heat from the spring permeated her sore butt.

  “Cat, you’re a lifesaver. Thank you for suggesting this. It feels great.”

  “I didn’t need to twist your arm very hard.”

  “No, you didn’t. I’m a ho for hot water.”

  Cat looked at Jen out of the corner of her eye and grinned. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  Jen fell silent, contemplating the water for long moments. “A penny for your thoughts,” Cat said.

  “I… I was just wondering what it’s like to be gay. I mean, I look at your relationship with Billie, and I think how wonderful it would be to be with someone who actually gets you on an emotional level. I love Fred very much, but sometimes he just doesn’t understand how I’m feeling.”

  “For me, that’s probably one of the biggest benefits. I mean, men and women are conditioned differently—by society, by their parents, by their peers. Men are conditioned to be defenders and breadwinners, while women are conditioned to be nurturers and caretakers. I know the saying is that opposites attract, but when it comes to lesbian relationships, having two people whose first instinct is to nurture is a huge bonus. Don’t get me wrong, Billie and I aren’t always on the same wavelength, especially since her surgery, but when we hurt one another, I think there’s a greater understanding of how the other feels.”