Happy Campers

by Karen D. Badger

  “That makes sense.” Jen fell silent.

  Cat reached out to touch Jen’s arm. “Are you okay? You seem preoccupied.”

  “See? That’s just what I mean. If it were Fred sitting beside me right now, he’d have no idea there was something on my mind. He’s oblivious.”

  “He loves you very much.”

  Jen smiled. “I know he does, and I love him, too. I just wish sometimes he was more intuitive about how I feel.”

  “Don’t be afraid to tell him that. My guess is he’d be willing to try. Fred’s a good man.”

  “Yes, he is, and I’m lucky to have him.”

  “You’re lucky to have each other. Like Billie and me, you’re like two old souls that have been together through time.”

  “He’s a keeper, that’s for sure. Thanks for listening.”

  “No problem.”

  “So, why do you think Billie’s been behaving badly since the surgery? It was almost two years ago that she was shot. She seemed okay after her recovery, didn’t she?”

  “She hasn’t really been behaving poorly, just different. She’s a little needier than she used to be, and, like I said before, her fuse appears to be shorter than normal.”

  “Could the surgery have caused it?”

  “That’s possible, but not probable. The bullet entered her frontal lobe, which, as you might know, contains synapses that control the personality. I hate to put it this way, but the bullet kind of gave her a minor frontal lobotomy. Personality changes are pretty much expected when that happens. But like you said, she was fine for the first two years after the shooting. The surgery was to remove the scar tissue that formed along the path of the bullet and was suffocating her brain. I guess, in a way, the surgery may have caused the change, but if she hadn’t been shot in the first place…”

  “Forgive me for asking, but she isn’t being violent, is she?”

  “Not with me and not with the kids, but I have to admit that her temper has become quite unpredictable of late.”

  “Well, I hope this vacation helps.” Jen yawned loudly. “Damn, I’m tired!”

  “Well, lay your head back and relax. Doctor’s orders,” Cat said.

  Jen promptly fell asleep with her head and arms resting on the edge of the pool. Cat looked at her friend and smiled, then leaned her head back and closed her own eyes. Soon, she too was fast asleep.

  For a short while.

  “Yikes!” Cat screamed as a searing pain shot through her thigh, jolting her out of a most pleasant dream. She grabbed her leg and screamed again as she scrambled out of the spring.

  Jen was startled awake by Cat's screams. “What the hell! Cat, what is it?”

  “Get out of the water, Jen. Quickly, get out,” Cat yelled.

  “Why?”

  “Water snake!”

  Jen reacted instantly. Despite her sore bottom, she was out of the water like a shot, quickly scooting behind Cat and peering over her shoulder into the water in time to see a long, shiny black snake slither away. “Oh, my God. Oh, my God,” Jen said. “I hate snakes.”

  “It bit me!” Cat squealed. “The bastard bit me!”

  “Let me see.”

  There on Cat’s thigh were two small holes about half an inch apart, with a milky, bloody substance oozing from them.

  “Are you okay? How do you feel?” Jen asked.

  Cat took a moment to take stock of how she felt. “I'm a little lightheaded, but I don't know if it’s from the snakebite or adrenaline. My leg feels kind of weird, though. I hope the snake wasn’t poisonous.”

  “Poisonous? Are you serious?”

  “Very. If that was a cottonmouth moccasin, I’m in big trouble. Venomous snakebites can be deadly if not treated quickly.”

  Jen grabbed Cat’s towel and draped it over her shoulders. “We need to get you some help.”

  “Jen, I can’t imagine the campground would allow anyone in the hot springs if there were venomous snakes around. It was probably just an ordinary water snake.”

  Jen put her hands on her hips. “And if it wasn’t? What then?”

  Just then, Cat’s leg gave out, and she fell into Jen’s arms. “Shit, my leg is numb. Maybe getting help is a good idea.”

  It didn’t take long for Jen to find a park attendant at the hot spring. In no time, a Jeep was arranged to transport Cat to the campground infirmary.

  The campground physician poked around the bite, which was rapidly swelling. “What did the snake look like?” he asked.

  “It was long and black with a white belly,” Cat said.

  “How long?”

  “I don’t know, maybe five or six feet. Jen, you saw it. How long would you say it was?”

  “At lease five or six feet, maybe longer. Is it poisonous?” Jen asked anxiously.

  “Was it thick bodied, or thin?” the doctor asked.

  “Thin. Definitely thin,” Cat said.

  “Well, your blood pressure and pulse are good. Are you having any trouble breathing? Any nausea or vomiting?”

  “None,” Cat replied. “So is it poisonous?”

  “Poison is ingested or inhaled, venom is injected. Snakes are not poisonous, they’re venomous,” the doctor explained.

  “Thank you for the biology lesson, Doctor. Now please answer the question. Is Cat going to die?” Jen demanded.

  “Do you feel any weakness or tiredness?”

  “Do you not understand English?” Jen shouted.

  “Jen, calm down,” Cat said. She turned her attention back to the doctor. “There is numbness and tingling at the site of the bite. No shock and no apparent invasive tissue damage. Obvious swelling. And before you ask, no pain at the site, but that could be explained by the numbness. There are no sign of ptosis, dysphagia, or diplopia, nor do I seem to be suffering from hemotoxic or neurotoxic effects. Now, we would appreciate a diagnosis, Doctor. Does this case warrant a trip to the emergency room, or should I assume your laissez faire attitude is because you know the snakes in this area are not venomous?”

  “You go, Cat!” Jen said.

  The doctor sat back and raised an eyebrow. “Ah, yes. From your description of the snake and from your apparent expert diagnosis, Doctor…?”

  Cat offered her hand in a firm shake. “Charland. Doctor Caitlain Charland. Nice to meet you.”

  “Yes, Doctor Charland. As I was saying, from the description of the snake and your symptoms, it appears you were bitten by a rat snake.”

  “Rat snake? How much more disgusting can you get?” Jen said.

  “Rat snakes resemble cottonmouth moccasins, which are venomous, except they are much slimmer. Two weeks ago, another camper was also bitten by a rat snake. They’re quite harmless, however, the site of the bite will swell. After the initial numbness and temporary loss of coordination wear off in a couple of days, it might be painful to the touch for an additional day or two. I prescribe immobility until the feeling and strength return to your leg. That should happen in the next day or two. Unless you have any questions, you can get dressed. I’ll speak to the park attendant and arrange for a ride back to your camp site.”

  Jen helped Cat to dress after the doctor left the room.

  “Great, just great,” Cat said. “Billie’s going to have a fit. What else can go wrong on this trip?”

  “What do you mean?” asked Jen.

  “Billie wasn’t too crazy about this camping trip to begin with. So far, I’m inclined to agree with her. I mean, look at us: a flat tire on the interstate, that flirt at the restaurant, the tent poles left at home, the shower incident, that homophobic guy on the trail, the nudist colony at the beach, your ride on ‘Trigger, Horse from Hell’, noxious gas around the campfire, and now this snakebite. What else can go wrong?” she exclaimed. “This was supposed to be a nice, relaxing vacation. ‘Rest, take it easy,’ Doctor Connor told us. The last thing Billie needs is more to worry about.”

  Chapter 20: Laughter is the Best Medicine

  “Bugs! I hate bugs!” Billie ran
ted as Cat applied anti-inflammatory cream to Billie’s body. Her face was so swollen, she was barely recognizable.

  “Billie, are you allergic to stings?” Cat asked. “You’re awfully swollen.”

  “Not that I know of. I’ve been stung before without having a reaction.”

  Cat counted the hornet stings on Billie’s face. “Eight, nine, ten. Maybe the swelling is due to the sheer quantity of stings. Whatever possessed you to walk into a hornet’s nest?”

  “Whatever possessed you to go swimming with snakes?” Billie retorted. “Do you think I did it on purpose?”

  “Okay, I deserved that.” Cat slapped Billie's hand away for the umpteenth time. “Stop scratching at yourself.”

  “This itching is driving me crazy!” Her voice rose an octave with each word.

  “Itching is an allergic reaction. It’s a good thing they gave you a shot of adrenaline at the infirmary.” Cat squeezed another dab of cream onto her finger. “Billie, hold still. Your squirming is making this difficult. Don’t forget, I have limited mobility here. I can’t go chasing you around the tent to spread this cream on you.”

  Billie tried to remain still, lying on her stomach in the tent while Cat applied the cream to her shoulders. Neither woman spoke for long moments. Finally, Billie turned her head and said to Cat, “Does it hurt?”

  While running her hands over her wife’s lean, muscular shoulders, Cat had allowed her mind to drift back to the dream she was having in the hot springs. Billie’s voice startled her back to reality. “Huh?”

  Billie's brow knit in irritation. “I asked if it hurt.”

  “Does what hurt?”

  “The snakebite, Cat. Hey, are you all right?”

  “Oh, that.” Cat smiled. “Sorry, I was a little distracted. No, it doesn’t hurt. It’s quite numb, as a matter of fact. It hurt like hell when it happened, though.”

  “Want me to kiss it and make it better?” Billie offered, wiggling her eyebrows.

  Billie’s eyes wandered to the place high up on Cat’s thigh where the snake bit her, and Cat was aroused. “Cream’s starting to work, huh?” She leaned down and placed a light kiss on Billie’s lips. Suddenly, Cat burst out laughing and threw herself backward onto the pillows.

  “What the hell is so funny?” Billie demanded.

  Cat wrapped her hands around her midsection while she laughed and rolled around on the sleeping bag. “I’m... I’m sorry, love. It’s just that—” Cat burst out laughing and ouldn’t continue.

  “Damn it, Cat, you’re pissing me off.”

  “I’m sorry, Billie. It’s just that your face, it looks so funny all swollen up like that,” she managed to say. She could see Billie was not amused.

  “Stop it, Cat,” Billie demanded, an injured expression on her swollen face.

  “I'm sorry, really I am.” Cat tried not to look at her wife. She hazarded a glance to see whether Billie accepted her apology, and then again burst out laughing uncontrollably.

  Billie grabbed her T-shirt, threw it on over her head, and stormed out of the tent, ignoring Cat’s apologies and pleas that she return.

  Billie stomped back and forth in front of the campfire, kicking up dirt along the way.

  Jen reclined in a nearby lounge chair, reading a book. She lowered the book into her lap. “Want to talk about it?”

  Billie stopped pacing. “Jen, where are the kids?”

  “Fred took them to the playground. Stop avoiding the question. Sit,” Jen ordered.

  Billie looked like she was going to object, but gave in and sat on the edge of the lounge chair. She lowered her face into her hands.

  “Are you okay?” Jen asked.

  “Fucking peachy.”

  “You sound angry.”

  “Angry is putting it mildly. I’d like to punch something right now.”

  “Talk.”

  Billie pouted. “She laughed at me.”

  “Cat laughed at you? Why?”

  “She seems to find my appearance amusing.”

  “Well, you do look kind of funny right now, Big Guy,” Jen said seriously.

  Billie raised her eyebrows and looked at Jen. “You, too?” she asked angrily. “I should have known you’d side with her. I didn’t laugh at you when you were hurt.”

  Jen grabbed Billie’s shoulders. “Now you just wait one minute, girlfriend.”

  Billie waited for the explosion that didn’t come.

  “No, no, wait. There’s a better way to do this. Wait right here. Don’t move.” Jen rose from her chair and went into her tent. Moments later she returned and sat down next to Billie. “Close your eyes, Billie.”

  Billie looked at her as if she were insane.

  “Come on, humor me.”

  Billie finally gave in and closed her eyes. A moment later, Jen said, “Okay, now open them.”

  She opened her eyes and looked directly into her own reflection in the mirror Jen held in front of her face. Her first reaction was shock. Her second reaction was to break out in hysterical laughter, bending over and clutching her stomach. When she finally regained control, she looked at Jen and wiped the tears from her eyes. “Oh, God,” she gasped, “I’ve never laughed so hard in my life.”

  Jen nodded. “Now do you blame her?”

  Billie had the decency to look embarrassed. “No, I guess not,” she admitted. “I guess I should do some damage control, huh?”

  Jen rose to her feet. “I think I’ll go find Fred and the kids. We should be back in, say... two hours? Yeah, two hours sounds good.”

  Billie stood and hugged her friend. “Thanks for making me see what a horse’s ass I've been.”

  “Don’t you ever mention the words horse and ass in the same sentence in front of me again. Got that?” Jen said as she started for the trail toward the playground.

  “Got it.” Billie went back to her tent.

  Chapter 21: Sunshine on My Shoulder Makes Me Happy?

  The next morning, Cat poured five glasses of orange juice and handed them out to the children sitting around the picnic table.

  “Here you go, kiddoes. There’s cereal as well, if you want some.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  “Good morning.” Jen unzipped the dining tent and hugged Cat. “Coffee smells good.”

  “Have a seat, and I’ll pour you a cup. Is Fred still sleeping?”

  “Actually, he’s getting his shower gear together. I’ll head that way myself after breakfast.”

  “That’s where Billie is right now.”

  “How’s she feeling this morning?”

  “Pretty good. No ill effects from the bee stings, other than that she looks like she has chicken pox.”

  “You were right about her temper. She was fit to be tied when you laughed at her yesterday.”

  “I couldn’t help myself. She looked so funny all swollen like that. The old Billie would have taken my reaction more lightly.”

  “You know, you might just have to get used to the way she is now. This may be the new Billie.”

  “Yeah, I’ve thought about that. It will take some getting used to.”

  “Well, don’t give up on her. She loves you very much, despite how quick she is to anger.”

  “I know she does. I’m trying, really I am, but some days I just want to give it right back to her.”

  “I hear you, but just like the advice you gave me about Fred, let her know how her reaction makes you feel. Maybe she doesn’t even realize it.”

  Cat hugged Jen. “Thanks.”

  “Speaking of how you feel, how’s the leg?”

  “A little tender where the snake bit me, otherwise, full mobility has returned.”

  “That’s good. That snake scared the bejesus out of me.”

  “Yeah! At the risk of sounding like a health clinic, how’s your backside this morning?”

  “Better. As long as I take it easy, I’ll be as good as new in a couple of days.”

  “When I suggested this camping trip, I didn’t anticipate all
the health hazards. Geez, we’ve had more medical emergencies in three days than we normally have in a year,” Cat said.

  “We’re out of our element,” Jen replied. “There’s bound to be more screwups when you’re in unfamiliar surroundings.”

  “You have a point.”

  “Hey, ladies,” Billie said, entering the screen tent.

  “How was your shower, love?” Cat asked. She grabbed another cup and poured coffee for Billie.

  Billie rezipped the tent behind her. “The shower was great. Thanks for the coffee. Morning, Jen.”

  “Hey, Billie. You look much better this morning. Swelling’s gone.”

  “Thank God for that. Where’s Fred?”

  “He should be back from the showers any minute. In fact, there he is,” Jen said as Fred walked across the campsite toward the dining tent.

  “Is there any coffee left?” he asked.

  “Come in and have a seat. I’ll pour you a cup,” Cat said.

  The two families sat around the picnic table, enjoying their breakfast and chatting about possible plans for the day.

  “What are we going to do today?” Seth asked.

  Cat raised her hand. “I vote we do something non-involved. After the past two days, I just want to relax.”

  “Amen to that,” Jen added. “How about shopping?”

  Tara, Karissa, and Skylar eagerly agreed.

  “Shopping? You've got to be kidding.” Billie was afraid that Cat would force her to go along for the ride. She hated shopping. “How’s that relaxing?”

  “Count me out,” Fred said. “Shopping is definitely not for me. I opt for a day of fishing. What do you say, boys?” he asked Stevie and Seth, who nodded their heads vigorously.

  Billie shot him a pathetic look that begged him to invite her along. When he didn’t, she began whimpering. When he still didn’t tumble, she kicked him under the table.

  “Ow! What did you do that for?”